She's using her kids as pawns...

[Lil_moe]

My sister is tearing our family apart. The endless lies. The changing stories. The outbursts. The name calling. The lying, lying, and more lying. Let's back track a bit:

I've known for years that my older sister has BPD. 99.9% sure. But recently, things have been getting out of hand. Our grandmother died recently (whom we were never close with) and she went into this emotional month long rage. She has gone to the extreme to not only accuse both our grandmother's (father and mother's mother) of emotional and extreme physical abuse, but also my parents. And these stories are so extreme, I know they're false. It's completely fabricated. They came out of nowhere.

But a bit before that, she had a disagreement with my mother. My sister has 2 girls, 6 and 4, and bullies them and punishes them, and has zero consistency with discipline. She's scary. They literally fear her. Her husband is completely unaware of anything. Zones out, uninvolved, even eggs on my sister's outbursts. Instigates. It's a match made in hell, and I fear for those girls. She also is a notorious doc hopper; takes those girls to different doctors whenever she can for weird symptoms or diagnoses that don't add up.

But this disagreement with my mother began because the 4 year old wet her pants at school, and my sister didn't want her to see my mother (whom the 4 year old adores) because it would be rewarding her. Why would you punish a 4 year for an accident? But that's beside the point. My mother called her on it, because that isn't fair to the 4 year old, and my sister LOST it. She told me my mother has "lost access" to the girls, like she's using them as a punishment. Claims my mother abuses the girls and other super offensive things and tore my mother to shreds.

Now, no one from our family can see the girls, and she refuses to communicate with any of us (I also have 2 brothers). She and her husband have alienated themselves and their children from us, and we're so scared for them. They're just babies, and we're beside ourselves. We're walking on eggshells, but it doesn't matter because she gets mad about things that aren't real.

Please help. We are so lost. We care about those girls and want them with us. We also want to try to mend this with my sister, but she refuses to even speak to us. It's so hard. We are absolutely heart broken. Please help.

[Mutt]

Hi Lil_moe,



Those poor girls. I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. I sounds like your sister has split the entire family black. Has she done something similar before? How long does she generally split family members black?

[Lil_moe]

Hi Mutt,

She has done this before. She's been lying for as long as I can remember. She has forced her husband's family out of her life as well, and they haven't spoken in years, over something seemingly insignificant; something I wouldn't be upset enough over to cut all ties with the family. I've seen her do this to friends and colleagues her whole life. First time we're on the receiving end. Any criticism and she blows up, but she isn't afraid to tell us all our flaws and mistakes. Even if they're made up! It's scary, because she's so unpredictable. :/

[Mutt]

Hi Lil_moe,

I know it's scary and it's sad that the kids are in the middle, it's also not personal, it's a defense mechanism that protects against anxiety and stress.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

I recall how distressing it felt when my ex would lash out and threaten me, it's not personal to me, there's something else that is unrelated to me that's going on in her life, I had to stop reacting to her. She can't control splitting and neither can I, but I can weather these storms and also know that it's not permanent, the pendulum swings both ways, has your sister idealized family members?

I'm split white at the moment, I don't want to trigger shame with my ex wife, i'm careful with how I communicate with her, I mostly use BIFF, Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm because there's nothing for her to hold unto to create drama and conflict and it makes me a small target. The less attention that I give to her, the faster whatever she's upset with blows over, she can't come to me to sooth.

[Lil_moe]

Hi Mutt,

I like that idea of BIFF. I'll pass that along to my family. I just wonder how long it'll be before we hear from her again. Thank you so much for the insight, and giving me hope that the door will still be open to communicate with her. I really appreciate it. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you!

[Mutt]

Here's an article on Bill Eddy's BIFF technique. My ex wife has been out of my life for awhile but I find it helpful to come here when BPD things are going on in my life, it helps with re-centering myself. I hope that you and your family get to see the kids very soon. Hang in there.‎
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B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications