First-time poster seeking advice

[rogerm]

For many years I knew there was something wrong in my marriage but I could not figure out what it was. For example, whenever we'd have a fight there was never truly any resolution. It always ended the same way: With her becoming extremely defensive and accusing me of trying to change her. There was never a mutual understanding, an agreement to disagree on the issue, or anything approaching common ground. Then there were the random episodes of explosive anger, the persistent moodiness and irritability, and her general aloofness. I was at my wit's end and often searched the Internet for clues as to why my marriage had run so badly off the rails. Finally, after several years of confusion and depression over why my marriage was failing so badly I stumbled upon some writings online by people who described, in intimate detail, exactly what I'd been experiencing. As it turned out, these people were describing their relationships with partners with BPD. This was somewhat ironic because my wife has often complained that her father suffers from undiagnosed BPD, and I never really understood what BPD was. To learn, through this roundabout way, that my wife may have it, too, came as a surprise, yet it made total sense. Of course, I am not qualified to say if she actually has BPD, but I am qualified to say that I feel as though I'm married to someone who has it. We have two children, 13 and 10, and I have decided to try to stick things out for their sake, but the more I learn about BPD, and the effect it has not only on romantic partners but on children of a BPD parent, the more concerned I've become. How am I supposed to get through this? My spouse won't deal with emotions of any kind, preferring to hide behind snark and sarcasm, let alone consider the possibility that she may have BPD (in her case, the high-functioning variety). I'd love to hear what others who have been in my situation have done and how they've managed to "keep on keeping on" for the sake of their family. I'm hoping this is possible, although I know that for many it is not. Still, whatever words of wisdom you care to share would be most appreciated as I could really use the help. Thanks in advance.

[Mutt]

Hi rogerm,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'd feel worried too. How do you get through this? A couple of quick points.

You're not alone now, you can share your experience with others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You have a collective wisdom that's available 24/7/365.

We encourage to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You can learn to depersonalize the become indifferent to behaviors and that comes from knowledge, understanding why your spouse act the way that she does, there is logic with the behaviors, it's something that she's going through and it's not personal.

[takingandsending]

Hey rogerm,

I am in process of divorce with my uBPDw. Married 17 years. We have a S11 and S5. Two years ago, similar to you, I had just learned that my wife was BPD through our marriage counselor. Reading posts on this site helped me to realize that my story was not unique - there were many common threads, many common behaviors to those of my wife. Maybe more surprisingly, many people married or in relationship to pwBPD share many of the same problems that I have with boundaries, esteem, etc.

In the end, while I don't hate my wife, I came to recognize that I was not willing to live in a one sided relationship that was not happy, peaceful or supportive. Mostly, some words that my therapist shared with me were the biggest cause for change. She noted that children that witness abuse (verbal/emotional in my case) in their parents' relationship do not come away with the emotional resilience and skills for emotional health as adults, no matter what the attached and healthy parent in that relationship does. Staying or leaving is a very personal decision - no two situations exactly alike.

There are great tools here on communication, how to not make things worse, how to form the strong boundaries necessary to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. The one thing I did not find here was how to make a relationship with a pwBPD into a healthy, happy one. There are a few who have done it that post here. All in all, it's up to that person who has BPD, how much they want to change, and how much the non-BPD person can support and learn. In my wife's case, things were pretty entrenched, and I was reluctant to give or do much more for her. I wish you luck on your journey. Post here often. It really does help. And take care of your own needs along the way.

[Turkish]

Hello rogerm,

I'm glad you found us!

First,  I'd encourage you to check out the lessons on the Improving Board:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

There is a ton of info which can help you understand BPD, and Lesson 3 contains communication tools which can help reduce conflict.  I also encourage you to post on the Improving Board vis-a-vis  your r/s with your wife specifically.

Since you posted to this board,  it sounds like your primary concern is the kids.  We can certainly help with that.  How are they doing,  and how do you view their behaviors given the BPD-like dynamic in their parents' relationship? Is your relationship with them generally good?

T

[GentleWay]

Hi, I am new here as well and wanted to welcome you. I think it is an isolating experience to go through a marriage with someone that struggles with these traits or may have BPD so reaching I'm glad you reached out. My first reaction to your questions is to say how you proceed should depend on how respected you feel or how much abuse you feel is happening. For me I hung in there for dear life for what turned out to be way too long. You deserve respect and children need to see healthy boundary setting and relationship modeling as part of their healthy development. If this is not happening you may need to consider if a separation might be the healthier option in the long run. I hope you feel welcomed here and find some support. Peace

[livednlearned]

We have two children, 13 and 10, and I have decided to try to stick things out for their sake, but the more I learn about BPD, and the effect it has not only on romantic partners but on children of a BPD parent, the more concerned I've become.

How are they doing?