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Author Topic: Is this an example of FOG?  (Read 943 times)
Ragnar1982
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« on: January 29, 2017, 05:42:22 PM »

I just got this message from my ex... .I think it screams of FOG, but I'm also unsure if I continue to overreact. We exchanged a few messages earlier today, but I kept them brief. Certainly not "cold".

"You know, I just find it so sad that you feel the need to treat me like I'm some sort of monster when I reach out to you. I'm obviously in pain, -my name-.  To give such cold responses to me is so unbelievably unlike you. You can continue to blame me for the person you've become, but you are an adult and need to take responsibility. You are who you are. I'm glad your therapy is made you feel vindicated. "
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infjEpic
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2017, 09:58:03 PM »

I just got this message from my ex... .I think it screams of FOG, but I'm also unsure if I continue to overreact. We exchanged a few messages earlier today, but I kept them brief. Certainly not "cold".

"You know, I just find it so sad that you feel the need to treat me like I'm some sort of monster when I reach out to you. I'm obviously in pain, -my name-.  To give such cold responses to me is so unbelievably unlike you. You can continue to blame me for the person you've become, but you are an adult and need to take responsibility. You are who you are. I'm glad your therapy is made you feel vindicated. "

Yes, it most certainly is.

Sometimes, one wonders if there is a school for manipulators and abusers which we are not aware of.

I could show you a WhatsApp msg and a bunch of FB messages and email, which are nearly word for word the same.
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Ragnar1982
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2017, 10:00:33 PM »

Thanks for following up with me again. I'll read these for sure. Also, I didn't take the bait. I have not responded. I fear I opened the door earlier today by trying to be cordial with her. Big mistake.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2017, 11:22:17 PM »

Yeap, I have the same style emails. They are good. I don't know how many times I've questioned my own sanity. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the sociopath who needs serious help as she claims. She was officially diagnosed mixed cluster B.
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Ragnar1982
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« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2017, 09:30:16 AM »

This morning I got a text that says "you win" and a few FB messages saying there will be another "me". Someone who fu@#s like me (classy), it who is a real man. And also that she can't believe my disgusting treatment of her. She blocked me on FB (we weren't friends anymore). I responded to her text saying this isn't a game. She said F You, and that was it for now. These cycles are maddening. I was trying to be a bit compassionate with her by at least acknowledging her initial messages and call that started this post, and I'm quickly right back here. I don't feel really awful right now, though. More enlightened of anything. I feel like I know what I can expect. We have been broken up over a month and she still is scratching and grasping at straws.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2017, 09:40:47 AM »

This morning I got a text that says "you win" and a few FB messages saying there will be another "me". Someone who fu@#s like me (classy), it who is a real man. And also that she can't believe my disgusting treatment of her. She blocked me on FB (we weren't friends anymore). I responded to her text saying this isn't a game. She said F You, and that was it for now.

She probably already has your replacement lined up... .probably did 2 months ago.

She'll probably start with the suicide threats next. Ignore them.

Her goal is to provoke a reaction. Any reaction will do. Usually hurt is easier to provoke, especially at this stage. If that doesn't work - fear will do. Threaten to kill herself etc.

Whatever else it is, it's not love that is driving her actions which you have described.

Excerpt
These cycles are maddening.

Infuriating, Hurtful... .but not maddening. They're giving you the clarity required to step out of the madness cycle.

Don't beat yourself up for not understanding sooner tho - we all have to go through about 2 recycling attempts before we can accept the truth.

Excerpt
I was trying to be a bit compassionate with her by at least acknowledging her initial messages and call that started this post, and I'm quickly right back here. I don't feel really awful right now, though. More enlightened of anything. I feel like I know what I can expect. We have been broken up over a month and she still is scratching and grasping at straws.

Yep, and it goes round and round, until the Non says 'No More' and goes full NC.

Compassion is in your nature - unfortunately, that's why keeps us locked in.
Trying to bash a square peg of non-disordered compassion and reason, through a circular hole of BPD disorder and whim... .Just doesn't compute.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2017, 09:51:37 AM »

I was trying to be a bit compassionate with her by at least acknowledging her initial messages and call that started this post, and I'm quickly right back here. I don't feel really awful right now, though. More enlightened of anything. I feel like I know what I can expect. We have been broken up over a month and she still is scratching and grasping at straws.

Ragnar1982,

I'm sorry that her reaction was so hurtful. That's tough. It sounds like the slight change in your attitude/tone may have triggered fears in your ex. Some people are highly sensitive to minute changes in others' behaviors/tone/language, etc. Her coping strategies then kick in and she reacts and pushes. Emotional instability is a hallmark of BPD.

I understand your wanting to be compassionate; I was like that, too. Unfortunately, the intent doesn't always get through.

What do you think is the best course of action for you right now?

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Ragnar1982
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« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2017, 09:57:57 AM »

My best course of action right now is not to react. Things are more clear for me now. Although it effects me, I don't feel the need to react or defend myself anymore. It's funny to me that recently she keeps referring to herself as a monster. I've never once called her that. But I do know others have called her "inhuman" before, or so she says. I wonder if she thinks/knows she is a monster, liar, manipulator, and it's her way of pinning that assessment on me.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2017, 10:24:30 AM »

My best course of action right now is not to react. Things are more clear for me now. Although it effects me, I don't feel the need to react or defend myself anymore. It's funny to me that recently she keeps referring to herself as a monster. I've never once called her that. But I do know others have called her "inhuman" before, or so she says. I wonder if she thinks/knows she is a monster, liar, manipulator, and it's her way of pinning that assessment on me.

I'm poison or I'm a monster - they seem to be the 2 most commonly used phrases.

It's probably a deeply held belief related to the BPD.
I also believe it's intended to generate FOG.

Sounds like you are making definite progress here. Well done.
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Ragnar1982
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« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2017, 02:45:47 PM »

I'm having a hard time today. A few hours ago I received this:

"I'm sorry if I said the things I did. I'm just angry and hurting like mad. No need to reply, just had to say it."

The compassion in me wants to reply to her. I don't want her to be hurting. I want HER! This is so circular day in and day out. It's hard to keep my resolve. Every time I don't respond I feel like she is slipping away. I want to just suck it up and learn to manage this relationship better. I feel like such a jerk for leaving her hanging all the time, but I also know that when I try to talk to her about why I can't be with her it just continues with these cycles. I'm feeling so lost today. I just wanted to post something to try and get me through a few hours. I'm starting to feel selfish and like I'm making it worse for both of us.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2017, 03:11:25 PM »

I'm feeling so lost today. I just wanted to post something to try and get me through a few hours. I'm starting to feel selfish and like I'm making it worse for both of us.

Ragnar, these are the really tough days, when we feel lost and don't know what to do. I'm sorry you are feeling bad. It's normal for lots of conflicting emotions to run through you. It was like that for me, too.

If you can, feel your feelings—just let them move a bit. You don't have to act on them. Your mind will tell you that you do, but you don't. Just pause a while and comfort yourself as you would your best friend.

We're here to listen.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
schwing
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« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2017, 03:19:14 PM »

F.O.G. interaction is any kind of communication/interaction that leaves you feeling either (1) fear, (2) obligation or (3) guilt.

"You know, I just find it so sad that you feel the need to treat me like I'm some sort of monster when I reach out to you. I'm obviously in pain, -my name-.  To give such cold responses to me is so unbelievably unlike you. You can continue to blame me for the person you've become, but you are an adult and need to take responsibility. You are who you are. I'm glad your therapy is made you feel vindicated. "

She is telling you how you feel: "you feel the need... ."; she's not asking if this is your intention.  "I'm obviously in pain... ."  She is trying to make you feel guilty or perhaps pushing you to feel the obligation to correct the record -- that you do not mean to hurt her, that you don't have this need to treat her like a monster as she alleges.

"To give such cold responses to me is so unbelievably unlike you... ."  Again, bait.  Change my mind.  Fix the narrative.

This whole "communication", if it can be called that, is not an attempt to understand you or to tell you something about her that might be unclear to you.  There is no effort/desire to understand you or to help you understand her.  She is baiting you.  She is venting how she feels.  

It's up to you to decide how best to respond (or not respond) in your own interest.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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Ragnar1982
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« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2017, 04:30:47 PM »

Thanks schwing and heart,

I've decided not to respond. I'll leave her with the thoughts of what she said to me. Not the initial communication, but the one that came yesterday morning in this thread. Her half hearted apology reads to me like she is trying to give herself a boost for "doing the right thing". After what she said, I'm not accepting it like I have so many times in the past. I refuse to reward bad behavior. If she finds my silence abusive, so be it. It is not I'll intentioned by any means.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2017, 07:30:32 PM »

I feel like she is slipping away.

Hi Ragnar, sorry to hear that you are struggling today. 

I don't hear that she is slipping away from you, rather, I hear that her control of you is slipping away and she is working hard to maintain it. 

For me, when I was deepest in my FOG I had a sudden realization one day.  It was just a thought at first but then it started to grow and take shape; what if my gut feelings are right about my spouse.  I obviously didnt believe it, but I allowed myself to entertain the idea, no filters. 

What I concluded was that my feelings were valid!  May not sound like much, but when I was taking responsibility for everything I was also dismissing all the feelings I had about her part in the problems we had.  This thought stuck with me and started to grow stronger. 

I finally confronted her with my feelings and stated that I felt abused.  She didn't deny it, in fact, she told me I deserved it.  Of course that started me in another cycle of arguing, but the point is, I did not deserve it, in fact, I deserved to be respected and honored - I was her husband.  Who wants to start a life with someone that feels you should be abused by them?  Is that love?  I know it is not for me, and yet I was perpetuating the same relationship style.

What does your gut tell you?  Pretend for a moment, what would you do if your gut was right?  What would you say.  You don't have to literally tell her, but tell us.

JRB
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infjEpic
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« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2017, 07:59:04 PM »

I don't hear that she is slipping away from you, rather, I hear that her control of you is slipping away and she is working hard to maintain it. 

Nailed it.

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