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Author Topic: Always researching symptoms and behaviour  (Read 356 times)
Hollyhock

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: January 15, 2017, 04:39:11 PM »

I am in a relationship and have been for over 4 years with my partner. I have read non stop about BPD and she fits the criteria, but I always question this and keep searching as I need more evidence! Is this common?
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 09:19:33 PM »

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I can understand the self doubt if there isn't a formal diagnosis. My ex is undiagnosed, she displays BPD and narcissistic traits, the self absorption could be from a mood disorder it's hard to say.

I'll relay what my T said when I we talked about BPD, he said his ex wife was probably obsessive compulsive and she suffered from a mental illness of some sort. He said the same thing about my ex wife it sounds like she has a mental illness of some sort. I don't things i'll ever really truly know and what comorbid mental disorders that she has.

Our lessons are to the right side of the board and there's an article titled "Is it BPD" you may find it useful.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 08:14:10 AM »

When I first learned about BPD I obsessed over it for quite a long time. I found myself viewing my husband as a problem to be fixed and I thought that gorging on information would help. It didn't. Learn what you can about BPD, but know that learning doesn't fix it. You just have to find ways to prevent it from getting worse. Accept that he has it. Find a way to understand that is just how it is. And then begin focusing on you and how you can best help yourself. The lessons on the right are a great place to start. There isn't a lot out there for people who live with someone with BPD. Most of the info on the internet says, "Leave." That's why I like this board. I'm not being told to leave. I'm being taught how to live more peaceably (but not always) with my uBPDh.
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ElinorD
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 08:23:28 AM »

I'm the same at the moment. It's like I feel the need to prove this is the problem for sure. It might be because it's such a new idea to me, within the last 6 months. It might be because when it first dawned on me, I suggested it to my uBPDh, who flipped out and wouldn't discuss it, so in my mind I'm probably compiling evidence (secretly). It might be because my therapist hasn't said husband has this (she probably won't without meeting him) and she has said I overthink things, so then what do I do but continually analyze and compare his behavior to what I read so that I could make a case.  

I'm trusting that with time I won't need to read about it so much.
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2017, 07:55:36 AM »

I am in a relationship and have been for over 4 years with my partner. I have read non stop about BPD and she fits the criteria, but I always question this and keep searching as I need more evidence! Is this common?

Yes... .very common.  You want to understand what you are facing in the relationship.  There is usually a thought that if you just understood it well enough,  you could explain it to your pwBPD... .they would see the light and the issue would be "fixed".

I also used to think that if I could "just" get her diagnosed, all would be better... .magically... .somehow.

I think you are wise to focus on symptoms, because that is what you actually see and can respond to.  Hopefully we can help you have healthier responses.

FF
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isilme
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2017, 08:35:31 AM »

I think it's a normal reaction, but as others have said, even a formal diagnosis is no guarantee it will be believed.  BPD avoids shame, therefore blame.  So, telling someone you suspect or that has been diagnosed with it that they have it, and therefore share (probably a large part) of the blame for drama in their lives will not help.  It will invalidate.  It will trigger all manner of emotions and reactions you'd do best to avoid.  So use the symptoms as a tool to help you learn how to manage yourself in the storms. 

All we can ever do is work on us.  Sometimes, working on us, getting ourselves stronger and developing new, healthier reactions to BPD behavior can drag the pwBPD out of the rut you're in with you.  But you can't directly make them do anything.  Indirectly as a result of you changing yourself and therefore the household dynamic does that. 
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