Feeling Scattered

[jade907]

   So I have a lot on my mind today. Today is my ex-BPD/NPD-husbands court date for his breaking into my home before I left the state last year to put distance between us. After almost 2 months of no contact, he texted me a love song over the weekend (surely he was drinking), and then again today texted asking if I was going to appear in court tonight. First of all, I felt like my heart was re-breaking all over again seeing his name pop up on my cell. But secondly, I felt rage. I literally moved away to try to extricate myself from him, and after leaving and still struggling to do so, finally did with his final arrest 2 months ago followed by an absolutely nasty last interaction. The true depiction of narcissistic rage and discard, and now he is asking me if I am taking time away from work and a full time masters program, to fly all the way over a state away, rent a car, face his family who he has turned against me, and to go to a court date to defend something that he did that made me realize I needed to leave the state to be safe in the first place? The only way I would do that would be if I wanted to continue to press charges against him, which at times, I question if I am doing the right thing by not pursuing it and just trying to move forward with my life now that I am far from him. I don’t know why I let this get to me though, I know better than to expect logic from him.
   Since his contact this last weekend, I have been having horrible nightmares and just plain stressing. I know that unblocking his number is enabling this, but I am so scared that if I don’t know what he is doing (because his contact usually escalates before he does something impulsive), he will show up on my doorstep here. So I feel a bit stuck, especially with this court date tonight. I feel like it either has the potential to piss him off again, and deter him from charming, or it will encourage him. I’m not sure, but I don’t want to be put in any position of surprise. Does this make sense?
   I have been dating since I left him last April, but only really officially dating the past few months since things became final with the ex. I am finding that I am quicker to jump into things physically now that I am not in contact with him. And then when I go there, I feel void of emotion. Like being with someone new, rather than feeling positive, I just feel empty and discouraged because the idea of starting over is overwhelming and like it will not compare.  Like I might not feel that way about someone again.  This frightens me and makes me mad, because before my relationship 4 years ago, I was glacial and so cautious (yet it landed me in a really horrible relationship anyway). I think it has a lot to do with my association with physicality and attachment. For my ex and I, being physically intimate was such a huge part of our relationship. “Solace sex” that is a way of reasserting love in relationships where attatchment is threatened. I am aware of that now after quite a bit of reflection and research. But is scares me, and frankly, and I feel ashamed. I know there are wounds that cut deep, and I know that despite the fact that I am strong and independent, I am also lonely and seeking connection and probably a lot of bit angry. It just upsets me that I have allowed that to overcome my own sense and that I do know better than to rush into anything, yet I have allowed myself to move faster than I know ultimately I will be comfortable with. I am trying to take a deep breath and not beat myself up, but instead acknowledge it and be more aware as I move forward. Does anyone else feel like they are botching this recovery& move on period? Sometimes I feel like I am doing a sh**** job, despite sticking to No Contact. I feel out of control, like it is taking longer than I’d like for me to remember who I am and who I was before this mans influence in my life.  
   I have been reading the book Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Arabi, and it has been helpful. I recommend it to anyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD with NPD as well. It offers me a lot of validation whenever I find myself ruminating or feeling fragile. It is empowering, so I am going to keep reading that and hope over time I will feel less scattered.  Any other suggestions or guidance would be very much appreciated.

[lovenature]

Hi jade and welcome

I suggest you continue to read and learn about BPD, while there are cross over traits with NPD and HPD, you will find whatever best matches what you lived. Once you have learned enough about your partner, you should focus on yourself and why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship.
It is normal to feel scattered, we are here for you.