Taking it seriously, or taking it lightly

[professorplum]

It is a relief to read other people's experiences with their BPD spouses here, especially ones where they love their spouse and apart from these bad episodes, they have a good relationship. 

My problem in reacting to her strong emotional reactions is that I know that I need to distance myself from the terrible things she is saying about me - but the only way to diffuse the situation is to listen very carefully to what she is saying, acknowledge it, and validate it.  This often involves falsely admitting that I am a terrible person, inconsiderate, I never think of her,  I don't consider her a person who is worthy of having her own feelings, etc. 

So, I go back and forth internally.  I know I need to take what she is saying seriously so that I can process it and respond to her in the only way that gets us both through these bad times.  But at the same time, it is so painful for me that the only way I can keep my good feelings about myself are to not take what she is saying to heart.  It is so frustrating to try to walk this line, to keep my own feelings true to myself while trying to help her feel better. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

One of the things taught here is to not validate the invalid. You know that the things your spouse says about you are not true so don't accept them as true or apologize for those things. Validation means you can see their point of view. When my H says "You are selfish and only think of yourself," I can say something like, "If X happened to me I would probably feel the same too." or "I can see how you would see it that way," or "I never thought of it that way. Thank you for showing me that." Sometimes I can just ask questions such as, "So you are saying that when X happens it makes you feel Y?" You acknowledge what they feel but don't acknowledge whether it's true or not.