Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:42:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Smarter than they let on  (Read 786 times)
professorplum

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 22


« on: January 18, 2017, 02:20:52 PM »

One of the things that has been the hardest over the years in dealing with my BPD wife is expressing my disbelief that being treated the way she treats me is "ok".  But the thing is, my wife never/rarely has a spell during the week, when we are both busy working and getting people to meetings and activities.  It is only on Saturday or Sunday, when we have hours to burn, that she turns on me and blames me for her bad feelings.  Also, she doesn't do it in front of other people (or she hasn't for years). 

So, although I know her feelings are real - in that she really experiences them  - I can't help but feel that she is in control of where and when she lets herself have an episode.  And she knows that someone seeing her behavior from the outside would not think it was acceptable. 

I have to think that she is smarter than she lets on about this behavior. 
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 02:46:13 PM »

Many of us have had this very thought for the reasons that you conveyed.

Is it possible though that it is during those "hours that you have to burn" that she feels more intimate?

I ask because one of the things that can trigger a pwBPD is intimacy. The pwBPD can feel very close to the person with whom they are intimate and that can either trigger the fear of abandonment or engulfment. The fear becomes very real and very intense. The pwBPD dysregulates as a result.

Also, a high functioning pwBPD may very well be able to control his/her emotions in front of others. Their fear of rejection, and thus abandonment, may be what keeps that in check.

It may be emotionally driven rather than intellectual. I could be wrong, just some food for thought.
Logged
professorplum

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 22


« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2017, 03:00:07 PM »

That's a really insightful comment - thank you.  That's probably a good way to think about it/frame it for myself so that it is less frustrating. 
Logged
isilme
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 03:08:03 PM »

High functioning BPD seems most likely to affect more intimate relationships. 

The outbursts are not about being cognitively handicapped, in my opinion, but emotionally disabled.  High functioning can control their overt expression of emotions as needed out in the world, usually, but when home, need to vent that spleen on the nearest acceptable target - you.  Also, I've been the target of a silent rage many times simply because H got mad in public and screaming will draw attention to him, and in some corner of his mind, he KNOWS that will not be acceptable.

H can hold himself in check all day around coworkers, and most of the time around friends, but with me, and sometimes with his family, does he allow "his hair down" and let himself indulge in all the out of control emotions that I think have been festering.  He describes himself as a teapot, himself, as even he cannot hide the fact that his emotional outbursts are rarely in keeping with the actual "trigger" and are instead a mess of all the inner turmoil he has going on.

I refer to our broccoli incident a few months back.  I cooked an entire bag of frozen broccoli for the two of us to have for dinner, and planned to incorporate any leftovers into my lunches over the next few days - I like leftovers better than sandwiches at lunch, or putitng them into TV dinners.  He freaked out, because I "did not follow instructions" and cook only the amount he wanted.  It was a very volatile tirade, I was trapped in a corner in the kitchen unable to walk out, had the bag of broccoli thrown at me, stomping, cursing, yelling for about 15 minutes or so, and then he left the room. 

Was he actually mad about broccoli?  No.  There had been issues all week with trying to communicate with people at work, and he gets very frustrated if people don't immediately understand him - it waffles between feeling superior knowing he communicates perfectly to feeling like a failure who should quit his job he sucks so much at it and it's only time till he's fired.  But co-workers are not "safe" to yell at.  There are actual repercussions for yelling at your co-workers.  So, he saw my "failure" to do as he said gave him an excuse to yell about what was bothering him, driving me back to these boards as we'd not had an incident like that in some time. 

I can hold in my tears for quite a while, until I feel "safe" crying.  I was bullied at school for being odd, and had 2 BPD parents who punished me when I did not show appropriate emotions, i.e. nothing that ever made them feel bad, so a crying child is not allowed.  And when I finally am alone and feel safe crying, I let go and get it out.  A pwBPD feels "safe" yelling at their significant other, and yes, their children, because they are "safe" targets to tell I hate you don't leave me.  Children CAN'T easily leave.  And honestly, neither can spouses easily leave forever.  They know we've tied up our hearts into them, and that we will most likely take it and stay. 
Logged

Tattered Heart
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943



« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 03:35:35 PM »

I think your thought could be correct, but there also could be other reasons:

I know for myself I am more emotional, raw, and just authentic in front of the people closest to me. I know that I can't act the same in public as in the privacy of my home. because I would be looked down on or treated differently. So it could just be a comfort level. We also tend to treat those closest to us the worst. I might yell at my husband for hurting my feelings but I'm never going to yell at my boss for hurting my feelings.

I see the same issue that during the week things are relatively quiet and then they explode on the weekend. I've chalked it up to during the week he has an outlet for his stress: work. (even though work creates stress). When he is at home, there is not as much mental stimulation or things to do so he ruminates on little things. He is addicted to stress and when there is no stress being induced by work or other people, then he has to find it in me.

The third thought is that my H gets a supply of admiration from co-workers, bosses, getting work done. When the weekend hits he isn't hearing the positive "good job" all the time. So like a junkie, he needs a fix and if he doens't get the fix from me, he takes it out on me.
Logged

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2017, 09:05:02 AM »

There are also pwBPD who need to create the same level of emotional electricity externally that they are feeling internally. If she is feeling chaotic inside, and you are calm, she may feel invalidated and unconsciously seek to stir you up in order to have her feelings match yours. Once she sees you are emotionally activated, she can relax a little.

Probably the important thing is to focus on how you respond, so that your relaxing weekend doesn't get hijacked.

How do you respond when you feel provoked?

LnL
Logged

Breathe.
mmcnulty
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: ready to remarry non BPD
Posts: 157



« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2017, 09:10:45 AM »

There is really only so much you can do if she isn't being treated.  Until you set boundaries, and accept the consequences of setting those boundaries, I predict you're going to lose a lot of weekends that could otherwise be enjoyable.  Is this how you want to spend the only life you get?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2017, 04:29:31 PM »

For high functioning pwBPD the structure provide by the daily routine/workday etc, soothes them by giving them a reason for being/status/relevance/point of reference.

During "leisure time' they have to coordinate/consider others 'on the fly', this becomes an imposition and frustration comes out and then others become an impediment.

ie structure is the glue that holds them together

Being black and white the two opposites are extreme contrasts. This lack of middle ground can cause high functioning pwBPD to exhibit OCPD like traits at times.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Auspicious
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8104



« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2017, 07:42:41 PM »

Many possible factors, and I think folks have touched on them. Routine and structure can help keep things in check, at least temporarily. And those we are close to can be much more emotionally triggering.

Also, expectations can be built up for family time - she envisions things going a certain way, people acting a certain way, and then inevitably things don't go quite or entirely as she envisioned. Both because nobody can read her mind to know exactly what she pictured, and also because nobody is perfect, and people inevitably "fail" her.

Expectations for herself, too, maybe - hey, its the weekend, I should be feeling happy, but I'm not feeling happy. That must be someone's fault (if you have BPD), and guess what, you're someone.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

Have you read the Lessons?
Duped 1
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 409


« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2017, 09:48:39 AM »

Mine completely hid it at work and with friends. I would often tell her if she treated her co workers or friends like she treated me, she wouldn't have a job or any friends at all. She would respond with:" yeah but everyone is just polite in public but I'm in an intimate rs with you so you get the real me". A complete phony if you ask me.
Logged
WifeInOz
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 55



« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2017, 04:21:02 PM »

Islime, Ive said this before , you and I have similar situations. I am an aspie (I have aspergers very high functioning) and I HAVE READ that Aspergirls marry Borderlines often; not because we seek them out, but we fall easily for their bull___ in the beginning. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and are very faithful... .easily manipulated too. THe borderline persona will FEED on that!

Juile
Logged
Artemis_bpd

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2017, 04:26:46 AM »

I can perfectly relate to this. I have a very high functioning uBPDbf. He has a public persona, his intelligence is unquestionable, he is charming and funny and witty with his associates. He is a public personality with thousands of followers.
Nobody among them knows who he truly is, except his family and myself. It is because his relationships with his associates are shallow, they don't trigger intense emotions. Unfortunately, those close to him which includes myself, trigger his intense emotions. And unlike his intellectual pursuits or his public persona, he can't control his emotions. I've seen it, he breaks down when his intense emotions and past memories of engulfment and fears of abandonment are triggered. Attachment triggers. We live a cyclic life of white, then black, then white, and then black all over and over again. No amount of walking on eggshells on my part can prevent triggering. Sad but true.
Logged
Healthy88
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 112


« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2017, 04:54:17 PM »

Getting a little off topic, I now have 2 questions from this post. Isilme, can you elaborate on why children can't cry? My son is very sweet and in touch with his emotions and more of a perfectionist. When frustrated, he will often cry. I get him and am perfectly fine with that and think it is healthy for him to let his emotions out somehow. With me, the crying usually ends in discussion, when he is ready and working through issues. My husband seems uncaring when I cry and began telling my son he could not. That led to a heated argument because I did not agree, nor wanted H to turn my sweet son into him. It then became, if you are going to cry, go to your room. I let that be and naturally, was the one to usually comfort my son and discuss his feelings with him. H thinks he is a whimp and I baby him. He is my youngest and sweetest! I notice H just tries to distract him and make him laugh it off, when he can. I never understood this and do not agree with the message that he is sending that it is not ok to express your emotions.

Next question is for Waverider. I believe my H does better when I keep him as stable and structured as I can. Our whole family does. However, he fights me tooth and nail for his freedom and feels structure is controlling, all about me getting my way, and stability is boring. This makes me confused, as to why he ever married me in the first place?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2017, 06:52:18 AM »

pwBPD especially parents see others and especially their children as projections of themselves, so if they are showing 'weakness" they are letting them down. They think along the lines of "we dont cry in this family". Particularly so if its visible to outsiders.

Structure is hard to create as you cant enforce it, as it is "controlling", you need to create an environment by use of boundaries, stability and example so that structure is the easier option for them to choose. Probably never will have great structure. Rather dont cause them to react opposite just because you are trying to impose it.

It is most important that those around them have structure, even if they oscillate around you a bit. Worse case scenario is when the non tries following them around trying to appease, then no one has structure.

pwBPD rarely want what they need, and believe their wants are their needs.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Healthy88
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 112


« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2017, 03:19:52 PM »

Tks Waverider,

I didn't realize they have a problem with displays of weakness by others, as well as regulating their emotions. My son knows he isn't supposed to cry in front of his father so he either holds it in, cries in front of me or now breaks down in school.  When my H wore me out finally & I broke, all he said was he didn't understand it because I am the strongest woman he knows. Granted it did take him about 18 years to just completely break me, plus I didn't know he was BPD.?

It is impossible for me right now to maintain any sense of stability for myself or the kids when he is around. I guess separation for now is the right decision. It gives him complete freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and still have a family at times when he wants that too. I feel like I am finally letting him have his cake and eat it too, which he was doing anyway. I would just rather he do it from a different home. I guess the only part I am missing is that when he is not working, playing or has the kids then he must spend some time alone. I guess that is incredibly difficult for him. I love alone time so it is hard for me to comprehend. The way I look at it is H was treating me that way anyway so instead of fighting him constantly, I finally gave up and offered him his freedom and pretty much a one sided open marriage. I honestly don't understand what more he could want. I haven't threatened to divorce or abandon him.

Am I missing something here or might this end up being a great solution for us, as crazy as it is?  I think my children, with the help of counseling, are intelligent enough to realize that their father has some issues and Mom is doing the best she can trying to deal with him while still keeping their family together in a sense, until or unless he decides to either end it or get help.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2017, 03:34:19 PM »

You have to look after you. He will never have what he wants and needs as they are mutually exclusive. Neediness is a process not an end result. You can't satisfy neediness no more than you can stop a river draining water away by adding water to it.

Once he acquires what he wants, his needs will drive him to want something else.

The problem is pwBPD perpetually think short term so that the next "fix" or "freedom" will fill that hole in their soul, but it doesn't. It is often referred to as the "Black Hole Effect", you can pour everything you have into it, and it will disappear with nothing to show for it, but you will end up drained having given everything away.

This is why the focus here is about you putting yourself first and dont give away the foundations on which you should be building your own healthy life. Your stability is paramount.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Healthy88
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 112


« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2017, 04:01:10 PM »

Thks for reinforcing that it is ok to put myself and the kids first for once. I just feel so selfish taking care of me right now. I seriously doubt he will enjoy his freedom for long now that he has my permission and no need to lie to me anymore about anything.

My biggest fear is that as soon as I get myself together again and create a stable, healthy environment for the kids, most of the time, H will want back in. H always seems to want what he does not or can not have.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2017, 07:14:58 PM »

Islime, Ive said this before , you and I have similar situations. I am an aspie (I have aspergers very high functioning) and I HAVE READ that Aspergirls marry Borderlines often; not because we seek them out, but we fall easily for their bull in the beginning. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and are very faithful... .easily manipulated too. THe borderline persona will FEED on that!

Hi, WIO, I'm another aspiegirl and I've married TWO  husbands with BPD. I think we aspies are very tolerant and accept BS that would quickly cause others to kick a lover to the curb without looking back. We also appreciate childlike qualities that BPDs have in spades.

PM me if you like.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Duped 1
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 409


« Reply #18 on: January 22, 2017, 07:35:25 PM »

it.

Once he acquires what he wants, his needs will drive him to want something else.

The problem is pwBPD perpetually think short term so that the next "fix" or "freedom" will fill that hole in their soul, but it doesn't. It is often referred to as the "Black Hole Effect", you can pour everything you have into it, and it will disappear with nothing to show for it, but you will end up drained having given everything away.

This is SO true! They are never satisfied. EVER!
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #19 on: January 22, 2017, 08:26:21 PM »



My biggest fear is that as soon as I get myself together again and create a stable, healthy environment for the kids, most of the time, H will want back in. H always seems to want what he does not or can not have.

Difference is you will be in a better state of mind to make wise choices. The world, and the choices we have, seems less clouded after we manage to step back and get our side of the fence in order again.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Healthy88
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 112


« Reply #20 on: January 22, 2017, 09:16:43 PM »

Thanks so much for explaining the black hole effect and encouraging me to follow my head and heart and do the best I can for the kids. They are short of amazing. They already make me feel dumb by comparison! Staying with him until now was the right move. People used to say they have never seen two happier kids.

I have to trust as they are getting older, that possibly having more guidance from Mom and less contact with Dad will be best. Not that Mom is perfect by any means. Maybe on some level he knows this too?

The saddest thing to me is knowing that having two amazing kids and a wife who tried to love him through it all isn't satisfying enough. BPDs may never be satisfied, but over acheivers are often that way too. Often trying to hit their next goal without even enjoying the one they just accomplished?

My mom asked if I would ever live with him again and I said sure (he is older than I am), when his body fails him, he needs me to take care of him and he is at my mercy. Just kidding. He probably knows that about me also. If he continues to take care of us, of course I will take care of him when he needs for me to.
Logged
isilme
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #21 on: January 22, 2017, 10:36:06 PM »

Healthy88,

Its not that children cannot cry.  They NEED to be able to cry at times.  I was not allowed to cry, get mad, or express a non sanctioned emotion that was not lock step with what my BPD parents insisted was approved. If they yelled and I cried, I was invalidating them, in their eyes, accusing them of being mean, triggering feeling of whatever shame they actually felt.

As a child and teen, I actually idolized Mr. Spock and Lt. Comdr. Data from Star Trek, who either could suppress emotion or had none.  At school, this helped after a while, because I was a prime target for bulies.  As a paretified child, expected from about age 5 to learn self sufficiency, I was just weird.  I was not allowed to do many child type activities, and spent much of my time alone at home, until I was beckoned.  So I got picked on, and that also fueled my suppression of public crying, because bullies are sadists who like it when you cry. If you stand there like a robot, they don't know what to do.

Not crying is a safety measure for me.
Logged

michel71
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 535


« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2017, 10:53:08 PM »

Here is a strange twist. Interestingly enough my uBPDw raised her daughter to be a "cry baby" in the fullest sense of the word. You know, not healthy crying, but you'd look at the kid sideways and she would start to cry. Manipulative crying. She would really work it to get out of chores or doing homework or whatever. When I would bring this up to my uBPDw she would accuse me of being callous and not letting her daughter show  "emotion".

Never mind that when I would get to the point of crying and despair, my uBPD wife would admit that my emotions are "hard to take".

By the way, she never displayed any BPD like anger to her daughter. I think she saw her as an extension of herself.

HUH?
Logged
Healthy88
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 112


« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2017, 01:37:39 AM »

I just want to say thanks to everyone for all the insightful sharing. This board is great and everyone is so helpful. In one sense, I can't believe how much I have learned in 3-4 weeks, my head is spinning. In another sense, I feel like I have only dipped my toe into the pound.

Even comments like structure is controlling are helpful. I was raised in a conservative, traditional, structured household. I, therefore, view structure as normal for a family with children to function well. I believe children need structure over chaos so I never saw that as the slightest bit controlling. Reality checks are helpful. I like things structured, H doesn't, hence 2 houses seems like a logical solution. 
Logged
zenolith

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2017, 09:21:34 AM »

I am glad I read this thread. My wife does all of that and I have wondered if weekends were the worst because there's nothing for her to focus on. She keeps it together during the week and always behaves well in front of her friend. The weekends are for fighting. She starts some issue within a few hours of waking up on Saturday. Also, mornings any day of the week are tense. Eggshells everywhere.

She also get really mad when I go skiing or mountain biking on the weekend. Those are the things that help me reset myself and get ready to deal with her again, but she says, "You hate me and we have nothing in common!" It's a vicious cycle of me going out to play and her giving me the cold shoulder which makes me want to leave again. If I invite her to come with me, she will tell me she hates it and that I "drag her" to do things she hates.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #25 on: January 25, 2017, 03:57:57 PM »

It's a vicious cycle of me going out to play and her giving me the cold shoulder which makes me want to leave again. If I invite her to come with me, she will tell me she hates it and that I "drag her" to do things she hates.

Is she willing to suggest something you could do together.

Its not the activity that is the issue it is you prefering something over her. As this is understandable from both points of view it becomes an entrenched pattern.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
zenolith

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #26 on: January 26, 2017, 11:00:24 AM »

Sometimes, but rarely, she suggests something and we do it. Like camping or a trip to the city, but those things don't "count" to her. There's always some reason to discount those other things we do together.

I don't feel like I prefer the mountains over her, but the mountains are healing and recharging to me. I won't give it up. It is a core part of who I am. I'd love it if she wanted to share that interest with me, but she doesn't. That's ok with me, but not with her.

I ski, climb and bike at a high level and she just seems jealous and angry because I have interests that she doesn't share. She claims that she isn't at my level and that I don't have fun when she goes. That's not true. I have fun when she goes, and I slow way down and am encouraging and try to be entertaining, but she gets scared or tired and then gets mad at me and starts to complain, blame me in general terms for her unhappiness, etc.
Logged
isilme
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #27 on: January 26, 2017, 01:47:19 PM »

Excerpt
She claims that she isn't at my level and that I don't have fun when she goes. That's not true. I have fun when she goes, and I slow way down and am encouraging and try to be entertaining, but she gets scared or tired and then gets mad at me and starts to complain, blame me in general terms for her unhappiness, etc.

^^Translation - SHE'S not having fun, but needs to blame it on you.  She feels self-conscious, knows she's not as good at it, and hates that you are modifying your excursion for her because it activates shame.  All negative emotions from the outing are your fault in her mind, because they can't possibly be hers.  Honestly, I think the only thing to do is keep going, going together, as a sort of boundary about not modifying your interests or giving them up while at the same time trying to do things together.  She may get better, get past her issues with it, and learn to enjoy it.  I don't know if that would actually work, but I'd certainly not advocate giving it up to walk on more eggshells. 
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #28 on: January 26, 2017, 03:42:37 PM »

The mountains can break up even strong relationships. 

I have been in relationship with someone who sounds similar to your own athletic level and interests (mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking, white water kayaking, skiing).

It made me feel uncomfortably dependent at times. And I'm athletic. And have outdoor skills. I wonder if she is also struggling with those feelings? If so, that would be doubly tough for her because: BPD.

What about car camping in the mountains, somewhere remote? Less taxing on her physically, and you both get to be somewhere that recharges you?
Logged

Breathe.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!