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Author Topic: I am pregnant but husband wants me to go for abortion  (Read 393 times)
Viso

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« on: January 19, 2017, 04:14:46 PM »

I am 2 months preggo and since the first day I have found out I am pregnant with my third, my husband has been telling me to go for an abortion. He has threaten to kill me, commit suicide and divorce if I do not go for an abortion. I have been firm with my decision to keep the baby and set my values and boundaries clear. The last "deal" he said to me was "you gave me no choice but to have a third child, then you are not allowed to work for the next ten years. You are to stay home and take care of the kids."
I don't mind staying home to take care of the kids as long as this benefits the kids and is manageable financially. My husband is never regular in the time and amount that he pays in monthly for the household expenses. Because I am working right now, everything works out okay because I have the ability to chip in. My husband said that he will NOT give me any money for personal use because this is my consequences for keeping this child and I am to have NO life. So, this whole thing really is a punishment for making a choice he did not like... .as my psychologist friend suggested, "a ten year sentence to get control of me financially and emotionally". Regardless, I told him if not working will benefit the family and be stable financially, I am willing to do this. And that his silent treatment or yelling hurts me and also affect the kids. His response was that since I have set him up and forced him to accept this third child, I have broken the trust and things will never be the same again. I just don't know if I should even continue to give time and hope that he will treat me like a human being again and not continue to give bad role modelling to the kids.
I am so exhausted
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2017, 07:06:17 PM »

Hi Viso:   
Welcome back.  Appears as if you have been away for a few years.  I'm so sorry about your current situation.  I can see how disturbing it is for you to have your husband want you to have an abortion.  Then, to talk about punishment for you, if you keep the baby.

How did things go with your partner, between your last visit here in 2013 and until your became pregnancy?

Quote from: Viso
As my psychologist friend suggested, "a ten year sentence to get control of me financially and emotionally". Regardless, I told him if not working will benefit the family and be stable financially, I am willing to do this. And that his silent treatment or yelling hurts me and also affect the kids. His response was that since I have set him up and forced him to accept this third child, I have broken the trust and things will never be the same again. I just don't know if I should even continue to give time and hope that he will treat me like a human being again and not continue to give bad role modelling to the kids. I am so exhausted

Any chance for some marriage counseling?  Are you able to see a psychologist for yourself (other than your friend)?  It could be helpful for you to work through your options, by talking to a professional therapist.  I'm thinking that it is probably best to not rely on a friend for this service.

The harsh reality is that we can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed.  The "Silent Treatment" can be very distressing to deal with.  Growing up, my father used to do the "Silent Treatment".  It can be disturbing for children and a poor model for them.  Unless someone tells them that it is poor behavior, they can tend to model that behavior. 

Have you ever been able to discuss the issue of the "Silent Treatment" with your partner?

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WifeInOz
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« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2017, 07:19:01 PM »

Hi
 I am so very sorry you are going through this   He is being outright awful, but you know this. I would ask him why he is being so callous? Afterall, you didnt get pregnant by yourself! He had a hand in this. NO ONE can force you to have an abortion! Stick to your guns! Again, I am so sorry and I wish I could have better words for you to help. Please let us know how you are doing ok?

Julie
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Viso

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« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2017, 12:23:40 PM »



How did things go with your partner, between your last visit here in 2013 and until your became pregnancy?

Any chance for some marriage counseling?  Are you able to see a psychologist for yourself (other than your friend)?  It could be helpful... .

Things have been similar since 2013 with silent treatments coming and going, whenever we have different perspectives. I have continuously worked on setting my boundaries and my values clear. Good communication cannot quite be established even with the acknowledgement techniques and being empathic. I think it is because as much as I acknowledge and understand where he is coming from, if I don't follow his suggestions then I don't actually understand. I have not been posting as my two kids born 2010 and 2012 have been keeping me very busy. Attended marriage counselling in 2011, I went for about two months and my husband only participated in one session. He decided after that session that he has no issue and there is no need for him to continue. But the reason to start marriage counselling was because he shook me and was hitting the walls beside me at that time. Anyhow, because he wasn't willing to participate, marriage counselling ended pretty soon but the counsellor advised me to divorce and said if I did not want to, then I will have to learn to live with someone with borderline personality disorder (counsellor suspects my husband have this) and encouraged me to join this group. My husband was convinced that I was the one with problems at that time and told for me to go to a psychologist to access for depression and other issues. I agreed because my husband always made me doubt myself and I feel guilty. After over half a year of seeing the psychologist, the psychologist confirmed that it is the family dynamics and possibly my husband's and his mom's mental health issues causing them to manipulate me and gave me second thoughts about myself. I was encouraged to do more self care and continue to see a counsellor when needed if the self worth and guilts creep into me again and if I wanted help to build the boundaries.

For this pregnancy, I went to the pregnancy crisis centre and met with the counsellor there for some support and advice. I have also spoke with my priest at church to find some peace.

I have talked to my husband about how silent treatment hurts me and affect the kids. But he feels that is the right thing to do and even told my kids that is okay. I have spoken to my older son, who is 6, about silent treatment and yelling, after my husband told him it was okay to do this to me because I made bad decisions and didn't listen to him. I explained to him that it is not respectful to treat someone that way and modelled expressing my feelings and telling the other person that I did not want to speak at that moment. My son is struggling because he sees his dad as the best, the mr. right and boss of the house. I have spoken to his class teacher and coincidentally, they are working on respectful relationships at school and living in God's love. So, hopefully, this will provide some right guidance.
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Viso

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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2017, 12:29:47 PM »

I would ask him why he is being so callous? Afterall, you didnt get pregnant by yourself!

Thanks Julie... .
My husband is convinced that I set him up for this. He said that he had made it clear that he didn't want a third so why I did not take birth control pills or tie my tubes. And I have been clear that I want another child, so of course I did not do any of those birth control methods. We have always been using natural family planning method because he doesn't like using condoms... .so yes you are right, he totally have a responsibility in this. I didn't know my period was going to be two weeks late... .but regardless, he is not listening because all that to him are excuses, that the truth he believes in is that I tricked him to this.

I am just trying to stay strong and hold this family together as long as I could. Not sure what my next steps are but I know if he starts doing things that affect the kids, I will have to leave and keep them safe.

Vivian
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Fie
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« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2017, 04:01:17 PM »

Hello Viso  

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know how it is to have a BPD partner. 

You are in no way the only responsible person here to not get pregnant. Birth control is something your husband could also have used.

Would you consider going to a therapist, and letting your children go as well ? I think talking to the school teachter can be an excellent idea, but I doubt the school is well informed and trained to teach children how to deal with BPD... .I think it can be crucial for them.

Excerpt
I am just trying to stay strong and hold this family together as long as I could. Not sure what my next steps are but I know if he starts doing things that affect the kids, I will have to leave and keep them safe.

I am not sure what exactly you mean by 'affect the kids', but I am sure it is affecting them already. It is affecting you, so ... .

Please do not listen to your husband when he's telling you to stop working. Do *not* give up your independence.

Keep posting if you want and please go look for counseling for yourself and for your children.
x

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WifeInOz
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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2017, 04:09:35 PM »

Aww Vivian,
  I will be praying for you. Being pregnant is emotional enough without your spouse being this way. My husband is a borderline and when he is in his "dark period" of cussing me out, calling me a scumbag and lazy fat ___ etc he's like the shell of the  man I fell in love with. THen all of a sudden POOF! the reset button gets hit and he is "back to normal". I find it is usually after some sort of sexual activity... .how demented that THIS is what it takes to curb is dark side. I also notice that when the reset button gets hit that the things that bothered him when he was in his "dark side" dont bother him as much anymore. COuld it be possible that your husband could "come around"to the thought of another baby when his reset button gets hit? I know how hard this must be. I pray for all of my BPDFam Friends... .ITs hard to be "us" for having a spouse with this is different than a child or a parent, sibling, friend. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing...  
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2017, 05:41:53 PM »

Hey Viso:   

Thanks for sharing the additional details.  I'm sorry your husband didn't give counseling the effort it deserved.  I'm glad to hear that you stayed with it, after he left and that you will go back to it when you feel it is necessary for you.

You mention your husband's mom.  How much of an influence or problem is she at the current time?

Quote from: Viso
I have talked to my husband about how silent treatment hurts me and affect the kids. But he feels that is the right thing to do and even told my kids that is okay. I have spoken to my older son, who is 6, about silent treatment and yelling, after my husband told him it was okay to do this to me because I made bad decisions and didn't listen to him. I explained to him that it is not respectful to treat someone that way and modelled expressing my feelings and telling the other person that I did not want to speak at that moment. My son is struggling because he sees his dad as the best, the mr. right and boss of the house. I have spoken to his class teacher and coincidentally, they are working on respectful relationships at school and living in God's love. So, hopefully, this will provide some right guidance.

I think it is great that your son is getting a message in school that respectful relationships are important.  Tipping a card to the teacher, that you son might not have a good behavior model in his father, can be helpful to a teacher.  At some point, your son could be the class bully, if his dad's message is not counteracted.

Is your son in a private religious school?  Just zoning on your comment "living in God's love".    Some religions teach that the male is the head of the house (and the one to be followed). If a child get the message that dad is the one to guide him, then that could be perplexing when a father's example is BPD behavior.
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Healthy88
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« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2017, 08:17:33 PM »

Hi Viso,

My first concern after reading your post is that your SO has threatened to either harm you, himself or divorce you. He has a history of getting physical once. He is angry and unstable right now so you should take his threats seriously. Possibly put an exit plan together, in case you need to leave quickly with the kids. Self care needs to come first.

Secondly, having a child can be a stressful event and unfortunately, the two of you had not reached an agreement before you became pregnant. I also believe it takes 2 to tango and he could have used birth control to prevent a pregnancy, as well. However, if he is stuck on blaming you than his feelings = reality, at least for now.

Thirdly, I would not personally quit your job, especially if SO is not financially stable. I don't see how that benefits your family right now, makes you dependent on him and takes away your ability to leave him, if it comes to that. Also, I would fear that the physical abuse might escalate once he feels you are trapped with him and he has more control. Unfortunately, past behavior is often the best predictor of future behavior.

Finally, you need to consider that he may not only punish you. The baby will be the easiest target for him to harm, if he snaps. Again, I personally would not leave him alone with the new baby for quite some time. My SO felt I tricked him with our 2nd. I absolutely did not, but that is besides the point. He seemed emotionally cut off from that child until the child was between 2-3.5 years old. He would do physical things like feed him, hold him change him and sometimes even play with him. I honestly don't think he began to emotionally bond with him at all, until much later. He did not hurt him intentionally, that I am aware of, in a physical sense.

Currently, we are physically separated. My son is very mature, perceptive, intelligent, in touch with his feelings and a great communitcator (so far very different from his father). He did recently share that he feels his father favors his sister and sometimes they pick on him together. Sadly, his feelings may be very accurate and I am no longer there to intervene when they are together now.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you do have a lot to consider. Good luck.
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Viso

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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2017, 11:56:52 AM »

Thanks for all your support! 

Yes, my son goes to a Catholic school and the teachers and priest there are wonderful. I have spoken to them about the inappropriate behaviours my husband has been modelling and they are keeping an eye on my son for any unusual behavioural. I am not expecting them to teach him how to live with someone with BPD, but to recognize what behaviours are appropriate and what are not. My son also sees a psychologist twice a month because I have always been worried that he has inherited his dad's ADHD. And I always have my younger one tag along to the sessions. So, I will be speaking with the psych next week to see what we should do moving forward. I am going back to see the pregnancy crisis counsellor tomorrow.

Many people around me has mentioned divorce. I don't have to capacity to deal with the emotions, the kids' feelings and everything else that goes along with this. Unless my husband starts to do anything aggressive or trying to intentionally build in negative and inappropriate thoughts to the kids, or be resentful for our third, I am not going to make any move. I know I still love this man and pray that he will one day recognize the needs to seek counselling. I don't have high hopes especially with my husband who is influenced strongly by his mother (who in my opinion has not been helping the situation but making it worse). What my husband said to me last week was exactly what his mother wrote to him in a letter a couple weeks ago. That there is no way the two of us can continue in our relationship because I am stubborn, opinionated, selfish and without a generous heart to accept my husband and recognize that my husband has improved so much over the years.

Reset button is great but never really resolve the issue... .and I do agree usually the reset button from the dark side is sex. But given this "baby problem" came from sex, I don't think he will have that desire/interest for a while. My husband has always been desiring more extreme things like watching another man have sex with me... .and of course I have never agreed to this. That will be another challenge as I am sure this will come up in the conversation again when he begins talking.

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Lockjaw
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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2017, 02:38:24 PM »

Sounds to controlling to me.

I know it is stressful to find out you have a "surprise", I have gone through that. And I can tell you right now, I wouldn't take ANYTHING for him. And I couldn't live with myself if I had ever wanted to abort him.

Good luck no matter what you do.
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