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Author Topic: Husband doesn't WANT me to work?  (Read 424 times)
WifeInOz
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« on: January 20, 2017, 05:57:53 PM »

Hi Everyone,
 Just a quick question/observation. My BPDh complains when he gets in his "dark BPD rages " that I am lazy and do nothing (when in actuality I am raising three kids one with Austism Spectrum disorder and cooking and cleaning all the time) but when I talk about getting a fulltime job he says sweetly "Noo you cant do that. You have (son with autism ) and the kids schedules and our home to run." Well, he CANT have it both ways  Could it be he DOESN'T want me to get any sort of independence ? Could it be that a job outside the home is threatening to him? Im just wondering ... .any other wife with a BPDH in this predicament?


thanks!

WifeInOz
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waverider
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2017, 05:35:46 AM »

A job is an outside interest that is potential competition for being available to meet his needs. It also gives you status and perceived authority, challenging his role as "breadwinner"
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Healthy88
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 03:53:51 PM »

Hi WifeInOz,

I also believe you shared that you haven't been together all that long and during one disagreement you threatened to divorce him. If you get a full time job, he knows you will be able to make good on that threat, if you so choose. If he has a need for control and his biggest fear is abandonment, your getting a job may very well be threatening to him. It is definitely a loss of financial control and could lead to his biggest fear coming true.

Why do you want to go back to work? Is it because he calls you lazy or to reestablish your independence, etc?
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 05:34:42 PM »

That's a possibility. I used to work in a high position job and after over a decade in that position I got burned out. We made the decision for me to quit and work part time so I could focus on the home more. It was great for awhile but he started coming home from work earlier and earlier. He would get mad that he house wasn't getting taken care of even though when he got home early my job became entertaining him and keeping him happy.

It was during this period that he began to creep more and more toward physical violence. He would threaten me. Raise his fist to me. Corner me. Constant rages

My PT job asked me to fill in temporarily at full time hours for another employee. We agreed we could use the extra money and from then on I never went back to part time. His controlling abusive behavior pretty much disappeared almost immediately. He still calls names and gets mad but no where near what it was when I was part time
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2017, 12:33:11 PM »

Thanks all for your replies,
  Healthy, yes we have only been married for a year. I want to go back to work because my kids are getting older and I want SOME financial security for when I am older as well. I am almost 43 and have no 401K or pension. Also, he does ___ when he is in dysregulation mode that I dont contribute enough financially  well like I said he can't have it both ways. I wonder if borderlines DONT REALLY MEAN what they say when they are dysregulated? Any thoughts on that?
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Healthy88
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2017, 02:33:09 PM »

I think you have to trust your instincts and do what you feel is right for you and the kids. Possibly, when he is in a good place, you can present it in a way that it is not threatening to him and get him on board with the plan?

I don't think my H even always remembers what he says when he is dysregulated, let alone means it. I have sometimes asked for clarification after the fact about something he said and there are times when he will flat out tell me he absolutely did not say something that he did, which makes life so confussing when you don't even realize they have BPD.
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waverider
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 03:44:06 PM »

I wonder if borderlines DONT REALLY MEAN what they say when they are dysregulated? Any thoughts on that?
At that moment they do, they simply haven't weighed up the full implication of what they say. It is much like the first instinctive thought we have, it is soon followed by reasoning. The first comes from the "emotional mind" the second by the "Logical mind",. The two thoughts overlap and we then develop a response which takes into account the emotion and practicalities. This is the WISEMIND.

pwBPD are overwhelmed with the emotional mind and the executive mind is slow to come to the party. Hence the half baked responses and shoot first reactions. This becomes entrenched with black and white defensiveness. Once the crisis is over it is all wiped as though it never happened.Nothing is learned and the whole issue can repeat with no evolution of reasoning
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Healthy88
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 04:29:52 PM »

That explains why they never seem to learn from their mistakes & keep repeating the same actions over and over again, even though they never get the results they want. Where most people correct their actions and try a different approach! It feels like you are dealing with a toddler, instead of a spouse. In my case, my kids are starting to outmature their father and I am afraid without the proper insight and modeling that he may really mess them up for life. I guess that is often when women draw the line in the sand (for the kids' benefit).

I stayed because I thought I could handle it all and it was better for the kids, when they were younger. Found out I couldn't and now am trying to determine what is in their best interest. Financial security or mental health? Naturally, I had hoped, they would end up with both. I am focusing on our mental well being and waiting to see what their father is going to do on the financial end. He has not threatened to pull any financial support to date, and that is the only part of our r/s that he has been consistent in for all these years. I don't understand it at all, unless it is just his way of maintaining control of his 3 objects?

Any ideas why a BPD H would continue to honor financial responsibilities, while not living with his family? He has said he will never divorce me? Right now, I greatly appreciate the support and am happy to accept it. I just assumed it was, because if I remain home with our kids, then he has complete freedom because I will always be there for them? This part of him and his generosity does confuse me?
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waverider
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 08:37:51 PM »

In my case, my kids are starting to outmature their father and I am afraid without the proper insight and modeling that he may really mess them up for life. I guess that is often when women draw the line in the sand (for the kids' benefit).

Be very wary when your kids become aware of this and start to challenge him, it can trigger defensiveness and insecurities, as it is not a reality he wil be willing to accept


I stayed because I thought I could handle it all and it was better for the kids, when they were younger. Found out I couldn't and now am trying to determine what is in their best interest. Financial security or mental health? Naturally, I had hoped, they would end up with both. I am focusing on our mental well being and waiting to see what their father is going to do on the financial end. He has not threatened to pull any financial support to date, and that is the only part of our r/s that he has been consistent in for all these years. I don't understand it at all, unless it is just his way of maintaining control of his 3 objects?

Any ideas why a BPD H would continue to honor financial responsibilities, while not living with his family? He has said he will never divorce me? Right now, I greatly appreciate the support and am happy to accept it. I just assumed it was, because if I remain home with our kids, then he has complete freedom because I will always be there for them? This part of him and his generosity does confuse me?
Part playing the martyr, part not admitting defeat, and yes part seeing money as the root of power and control.

Control is a curious thing, often it is more about a fear of loosing control/giving it away, than of actually acquiring it.
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Healthy88
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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 09:51:37 PM »

Thank you so much for that piece of advice about the kids. He rules them by demanding absolute respect and fear so I don't think they would challenge him out of fear. I think they would vent to therapists and me, while continuing to try and please their father or at least enjoy him when he is in fun mode. I think boys often challenge their father's more, but I think my son is too smart to do that. He loves his Daddy, but is more like I am and has already shown that I am the one he trusts. My daughter will probably always challenge me far more than her father.

Example. One Dr told me once that the kids act entirely different when they are with their father than when they are with me. After that, I took them both for physicals. They were really wound up and not listening to me all that well. I looked at them and asked if they would be acting like that if Dad were here instead of me. They instantly replied NO. They were still young. I asked why not. They said because Dad is a lot meaner than you are!

I hope they will take their cues from me and learn to love him the best they can as he is, just maybe from a little more of a distance now.

Yes I realize, as I now understand what is going on, it will only be a matter of time until they do too. However, I would prefer that a therapist begins explaining it to them, age appropriately, so it does not appear I am saying anything negative about their father. Then they can ask me questions as they want or they can let it go and continue to enjoy their life.

They are perceptive. My son has already made the comment that he thinks his father is kind of like the lone wolf and my daughter understands more of what is going on than I thought, as I am still trying to shield and protect them both. I tried to let them keep their innocence as long as I could hold it all together. If I could have for longer, I would have.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2017, 06:36:13 AM »

I valued my career, and my H knew better than to tell me not to work. However, he also passively made it difficult for me. He used his position as chief wage earner to not help at all with the kids and the house. Sometimes he'd agree to help watch them so I could attend a meeting and then back out at the last minute. His work schedule was irregular- I didn't know when he would leave for work or come home, so I could not rely on him at all. I learned not to ask him at all- or he'd get angry. He would hold up the fact that he has to support the family to justify his right to do this. I of course supported his work and appreciated that he worked hard to support us, but I wish he hadn't been so mean about it.

I didn't expect 50-50, but trying to balance a career and 100% at home was emotionally draining. We finally decided that it was better for the kids to have the full attention of one parent. I don't regret being a stay at home mom. If I expressed any remorse for the loss of a job that I enjoyed, my H would say " I never told you that you couldn't work."

I love the role of mom- the kids mean the world to me. But the lack of positive reinforcement was difficult. My H seemed to act like since he made all the money, it was his, not acknowledging the major unpaid labor I did in the home, which enabled him to focus on his job.

Kids are older now and I am back at work and I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I love my job. H does recognize that, and knows it is important to me.  Perhaps the most telling response was what he said -jokingly- when I was excited about my first paycheck "now you can leave me" . Although he said he was joking, and I have not made any comments or given him reason to think I would- I think this "joke" was rather telling.

WifeinOz- you do have your hands full, and what you do for your children is valuable. You know how costly it would be to hire someone trained in taking care of children with autism. That said- when the child is older, some social contact, camps for kids with autism could do some good.  Being his full time caretaker isn't likely to be forever, but you are making a difference now. Later you may have some time to work.

You can still build workplace skills while being a mom.  I know several moms who volunteered as substitutes, teacher aids- and then stepped into jobs when they opened. One stay at home mom now works in her child's preschool. Moms of kids with special needs have skills to share. I know of one mom who now works as an aid in the schools for kids with delays. Your H may not support you working- but by volunteering along with caring for your child with autism, you might just step into a job in the future.
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2017, 07:36:10 AM »

Thank you all so much for your input... .

Notwendy thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I actually DO work partime as a substitute teacher Smiling (click to insert in post) when they call that is Smiling (click to insert in post) I am a teacher by trade but haven't been able to secure a permanent position in 8 years  NJ is very hard to land teaching jobs. My son has Aspergers(High Functioning Autism Spectrum disorder)  he isn't totally incapable of tasks but REALLY needs me around to encourage him as to  how to behave, act, and he does need alot of reminders to do things such as homework Smiling (click to insert in post) Again thank you so much to all of you... .It really helps to have you guys to vent to. Smiling (click to insert in post) xoxo
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isilme
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« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2017, 01:52:13 PM »

Just remember to not expect consistency or logic in requests or gripes from your H.  He is not acting on anything but the emotions of the moment.  When your H is feeling put upon as the "only breadwinner", he will complain that you don't have a full time job outside the home.  When he needs to feel you are beholden to him as the only breadwinner, he will complain they you are needed at home.  Each emotion is true at the time for him, and seeing an inconsistency is beyond him at that time. 

I kinda just respond "Yep" to a lot of these comments when I have no other energy to find a better response - for me, since we both work full time but I am the one who wants the house clean and yard taken care of, I expend more energy on that and less on games, reading, and other pursuits.  This results in H doing a couple of contradictory things

1 - he tries to discourage me from yard work, because it triggers his guilt he's not outside.  Now, he has developed asthma and a few other physical ailments.  Honestly, he CAN'T at this time be outside like I can, and I like the exercise.  But he knows people see me working and not him, and it irks him to wonder what they think of him (because that's all that really matters).  So if I have time, he almost whines, complains or is like, "now, don't over do it today!" as if the lawn understood this.  But then, on days when I DO take it easy due to illness, weather, or both, I'm "lazy" for reading a book or surfing the web, but he's NOT lazy for playing video games. 

2 - he tells me that "the office needs to be cleaned out, the fridge has too much on top, XYZ needs to be done".  Which translates to Isilme needs to do it.  So I agree, sure, it needs to be done.  And leave it.  If I have time, it gets done.  If I don't - he won't do it anyway, or he will get a whirlwind of energy for a few hours and I get stuck "helping". 

He doens't/won't see that calling me lazy for doing what he's doing, meanwhile discouraging me from doing house/yard work, while telling me more work needs to be done is all inconsistent. 
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WifeInOz
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« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2017, 03:22:48 PM »

Hey Isilme 

 The whirlwind life we lead huh ?  I have to laugh cause if I dont ill cry. I was thinking of taking an online course to further my skills and become a nurses aid, I told him this and THAT is when I got the "aww but you are soo needed here to take care of our home and( Asperger's son) really needs you for his appts and hw etc. I think I am going to take the course anyway, they are running a special and it is on sale now. I need to have some MORE marketable skills God forbid something should happen to him or for when my kids are older.
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Healthy88
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« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2017, 05:22:19 PM »

Isilme,

Your H is very lucky to have you. You seem to have a very good grib on all of this and so much patience!
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Notwendy
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« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2017, 05:36:53 AM »

Wife in OZ- take that class. An online class is convenient to keep up with as you can log on when kids are playing, or sleeping. With your teaching credentials, you can even get a masters in teaching on line.

You could even make Asperger's and autism your focus- a masters in exceptional children. Tell your H you are learning to help him- you are- then when he is older, those skills can be used to help others.

Maybe get involved in the local Autism society or parent advocacy group for kids with special needs?

Being that your child is high functioning- it is also going to be good that he not have mom do everything for him at times- there are camps for kids with autism. I know you know this- but your goal is his independence- one day. So take those classes and slowly step in to the workforce or do volunteer work as he grows.

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isilme
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« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2017, 09:15:09 AM »

Healthy88,

Meh - This message string just hit home because he is very inconsistent the last few weeks - he wants me to finish a sewing project, but won't keep the table clear so I can work onit, and so passive aggressively implies that I am being lazy or simply ignoring his desires by not having it done. 

I make custom roman shades for our house.  It's a small house, and I don't want to pay $50+ a shade when I can spend $50 on making 3 or 4, but it takes time to do all the steps, and space.  And when I am the only one doing chores, grocery shopping, and running him to appointments because we're not sure if he will be able to drive leaving them, I kinda don't have time to come home, cook dinner, eat and then clear off the table he messed up again just so I can get back to work.  Given about 2 solid days of him not being home, I'd be done.  Because I get sick of fighting for workspace, I just left the project on hold for several months after completing 2 of the 4 planned windows.  I picked it up again right after Christmas to get the other 2 done, but then he put crap all over the table again and I had to put everything away from guests.  I'm also dreading the installation portion, because I just can't do it with him home and he won't leave.  Even though I've used power tools my whole life, and do most of the home repair, he freaks out if he realizes I am using a power drill or sander or anything. 

I think right now he's just aware enough that I AM doing everything on top of working full time, and so he restrains himself just enough to not overtly call me lazy... .but if something he wants done isn't done (dishes, trash, cat care) he makes sure to gripe loudly about it.  I just don't respond.  I have been pretty upset the last few days because I know he is trying to pick a fight and it's taking a lot to keep my initial responses in, because I don't want a fight.  I'm tired.  I'm busy.  He's feeling the weather changes pretty badly, and he seems to be fighting a small cold, and so his crankiness is just far worse than usual. 

I don't think I am patient.  I just know snapping back never ends well, defending myself by pointing out everything I stated here never ends well.  So I come here as needed to gripe a little to people who get it, so I won't fester.
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