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Author Topic: Advice?  (Read 360 times)
hurthusband
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« on: January 21, 2017, 10:11:03 AM »

Ok.  Now I am not sure what to do in this situation.

My wife has BPD and have essentially gone off the deep end far.  My wife is quite isolated and family passed on with remaining family she does not speak to.  She has no job, nothing much left.  My family is not the most supportive as they have all sorts of own issues which upsets my wife.

So this past Sunday, she caught my 17 year old smoking pot.  While I do not condone it and will not allow it in the house, I am not going to be naive enough to think that its possible to lock him down.  My wife has taken as a failure of her parenting and was talking about taking him out of school, not letting him see friends anymore, and taking away all his gadgets etc.  She was in bed for a day and half over it and reached out to my mother to talk.  My mother recently had surgury, has a number of issues with her company right now, and a daughter that is completely out of control and wreaking havoc on my family.  She would be cut out of family and ignored, but she does have a 4 year old daughter who my mother cares for deeply.  So my mother is in her own world, and I suspect mentally ill herself.

When Tuesday my wife as is the case spends about 2 hours around midnight wanting to talk about what can be done about her future.  How her life is over, she has nothing, my family has abandoned her.  She wants a job, but a job she likes.  She wants my mother to hire her (although they have had numerous issues over the years which worries my mother).  I offered her a job at my work, which scares me but she would not take it.  I am at a loss on what to do.  My mother had talked to her about a job about a month ago.  It was a new business plan she was starting up and I knew this was a mistake.  It was in early stages and it would get my wife's hopes up.  Certain things happened with some of the co-trustees and the deal became impossible which devastated my wife.  I had taken up the idea and started to test waters to see if possible to form, but did not want to tell wife and give her false hope like mother.  Well wife found out and accuses me of letting her suffer when I had a plan and how I never stand up for her (she wants me to fight or verbally reprimand anyone and everyone that ever crosses her.  Many times instigated by her).  I do not believe in fighting as a solution to anything but furthering the incident.  Certainly trying to change people does not work.

anyways she kicked me out of the house and wants a divorce.  Being that she has no job nor income, she is demanding that I give her $33k right now before we even see a lawyer so she can get things set up.  Currently she is living in the house and has all expenses paid, but she hates our house which I do not blame her.  I want to go to a lawyer and discuss all this first and set up things to make sure I am not going to throw myself into some giant mistake. 

Now you ask why $33k? 

I have been supporting my wife and kids through her college and while she has been out of work which has basically been for 8 years now with 6 weeks of employment and her hospitalizations... etc.  When she moved out once 10 years ago I basically supported her then too.  Well her parents died and she got an inheritance.  She put this money in her own bank account that I have no access to.  Approximately $180k, I was fine with that because she can play with that money and the financial stresses of her spending will not cause arguments or harm us as she has expensive tastes and with medical bills of $35k a year, it gets tough to take care of everyone on one income.  Well, she did help paydown $50k of our debt which had gotten out of control.  It should be noted though that approximately 70% of the household funds go to supporting her and her habits with remaining 30% for 2 kids and myself.  Since she did that she also has still spent at least $17k on trips for her and her friends and gadgets for herself out of our joint accounts too so she believes I owe her $33k back if she is going to leave.  A bit of my money (including gifts for bdays etc) is ours (which it should be) and her money is her money.

So, the issue I have is I want to see a lawyer and work out something amicably.  She has already told me numerous time she will not let me see the kids when she gets angry and does not get her way.  She could do that as I am a step parent.  She demands child support which I am happy to provide, medical coverage which I am happy to provide, transportation which I will provide, and of course the $33k which I will provide.  I just want to make sure I do not do all of this and somehow she keeps taking more as $33k is more money than I have in the bank, and business is taking a hit lately.  Also, if I go get that amount of money and place myself in the hole it will as the house is destroyed (she started renovations... many without talking to me... then stopped along with foundation damage now) two cars that I never wanted, and all these other bills then load up her personal bank account and she decides she wants back together... .

that just isnt going to happen.  How can I keep giving into demands of hers to the point I jeopardize myself and my ability to support  a family and explain to others the loans I will have to take to meet this demand and then we back together.  It reflects poorly on me at work which is a family business and thus my ability to properly head a business, it harms my business as her demands have already caused me to take more time off than others.  I have no friends and my relationships with family members is stressed as she fights with them all for various slights. I do not get mad at those people but I do stop associating in support of my wife.  I have no hobbies nor anything I do other than work and devote time to her. 

So... I could give the $33k and say that is it knowing it is possible in a couple of days she completely 180s as she does that alot, and then no going back.  I suspect she wants to do this prior to a lawyer because she is not 100% sure she wants a divorce. 

Other option is I cut her loose.  I give her the $33k and push forward with divorce, losing her forever.  Worrying with guilt over if she is okay and if kids are ok.  I do notknow if the harrassing calls will stop.  I mean its 30 plus a day when angry and she always angry under this.  She feels slighted by me.  Said the most horrific things I heard about myself...

I just do not know what to do.
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2017, 03:21:59 PM »

Hi hurthusband,

I'd make some calls to lawyers, usually they'll give you a free consultation, try calling several lawyers to get an idea of what they'll all say, they may similar things or different things, shop around.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 05:46:26 PM »

I've followed your story over a couple years, and NOTHING gives me hope that this will be settled "amicably". Even if you give her every cent you own and every cent you earn, and keep all the debts in your name instead of hers, and live on the street, I'd expect her to demand more and threaten you with anything and everything.

Next, unless your lawyer tells you you have to pay her $33k now, (or a court orders you to pay it), you are foolish to give her the money based on this demand.

I'm pretty sure that an obligation to support children comes with a right to see them. I'm pretty sure one of the two applies:

They are legally yours, in which case, you will be obligated to pay support, AND have a right to see your children; she cannot withhold them from you
-OR-
They are legally not yours, in which case you aren't required to pay anything, and you have no right to see them.


I suggest you lawyer up and figure out what your rights and responsibilities are, instead of believing any of what she says or demands.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2017, 03:17:56 PM »

Why do I still feel guilt?  I go to therapy.  I take meds for depression and anxiety from all this.  No matter what I try to figure is right it's all wrong.  If I try and explain my rationale it's me insulting her and being mean.  Ppo are gone in Texas so had to sign up hmo.  She been sick for 4 days... she wants to go to doc today and says insurance said she can't cause doc closed... .I'm confused
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2017, 04:06:48 PM »

Excerpt
She been sick for 4 days... she wants to go to doc today and says insurance said she can't cause doc closed... .I'm confused

She's projecting, I can see how that's confusing.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2017, 04:33:27 PM »

She's projecting, I can see how that's confusing.

Well not head stuff but strep sounds like.  102 fever and patches in mouth. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 04:41:05 PM »

It's universal health care up here in Canada. Does insurance cover a visit to the doctor for a prescription for antibiotics in Texas? I think that she's projecting her feelings on the insurance company because she feels bad about something for whatever reason.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 06:52:14 PM »

U have to go to primary or get referral but they can't see her.  I think CA get a retro referral but she just went and paid for it

We were on phone and I mentioned my mom just got home from putting family dog down and she tried to guilt me by saying I should have gone... I screwed up and responded that I was on phone with wife when mom left to go do it wicked was an attempt by me to try to turn her guilt trip back on her but was wrong to do.  Now she really on new level of upset
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Auspicious
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 07:53:44 PM »

If I try and explain my rationale it's me insulting her and being mean. 

If you base your feelings on her judgments, then you are building your house on the sand.

She can think that you are insulting her and being mean. If you know that you aren't, then you need to be secure in yourself and just let her think whatever she wants to think. (Which she is going to do anyway, no matter what you do, so "letting her" think her own thoughts is a lot less exhausting than constantly trying to change them.) 
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