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Author Topic: Without help does a unaware pathological cheater and lier just change? +rant  (Read 331 times)
Octy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 21, 2017, 05:02:38 PM »

I do hope the best for my ex except with the r/s immediately following me. I know the wiser members will remind me that the relationship was unhealthy and to move forward with ME. I agree. Except as of yet I don't care to feel my way out of the selfishness. I also have compassion as I would be on another forum (mostly alpha male based "crazy" ex girlfriend bashing sites that make me uncomfortable and are ignoring the nuances of individual people and r/s) than bpdfamily.com  .
My ex accepted another man's ring six weeks after our last breakup(stated that before) Petty me looked disordered myself trying to fight through her misdirections in the way she smeared me. She lied to everyone about me moving back home(1100miles away)for a month as she slept in my bed every night. I'm still not going into what led to this it just involved a lot of exes. When people realized I was still in town and it looked bad her accusations got worse, although in that mind I can see now she believed some of them. When it ended I was the fool to contact him on social media. He was an ex from way back and told me he knew her better that me. I told him she had spent the last ten months living with me and he believed none of it. I told home he would just be dancing with her shadow and would see her dark side soon enough. She eloped with him to Hawaii were he is stationed. The majority of her home town knew me as her boyfriend and many heard us talking rings. To him we dated. A lot of shame has come from my drinking towards the end. The past lies that got caught and were mostly forbidden to talk about or became accepted blame reversals came up when I drank. Her silent treatment didn't work as I would point out the impossibility of her reasons. I never questioned or controlled(who could) any part of her life and told her the lies being so many how could I not notice. I wanted the truth vs any lie. I mostly believed the unbelievable. So after editing this rant... .My shallowness is what plenty of us think about and work around.  That I hope the current r/s fails for justification. Just this one for me. I'm disgusted at myself because they are married. He does know that she cheated on him with me though it seemed the other way around to me. I know that many have witnessed the next r/s fail. I want him to see the whole picture. If I'm have any redeeming point in this it's that I would hope it would then lead to help.

So... .I  know she is so impulsive and that with him at sea 6months off and on, the suductive side of her small town, who me, yet 5"9' bombshell looks and cheating past doesn't fare well for him. She called him a child compared to me so her manipulation will work longer with her acting. "Whoops" may work for a while here.

 I'll try to form a question in the heading now.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2017, 05:15:45 AM »

Hi Octy 


Except as of yet I don't care to feel my way out of the selfishness.
Can you embellish on this?

I also have compassion as I would be on another forum (mostly alpha male based "crazy" ex girlfriend bashing sites that make me uncomfortable and are ignoring the nuances of individual people and r/s) than bpdfamily.com  .
I'm not condoning being excessively harsh toward people here. If one party takes fidelity seriously, then the other party cheats--doesn't it make sense that the faithful one may get very hurt? When we eventually acknowledge that we wanted something very strongly, e.g., a relationship with a faithful partner, then that trust gets broken--then that can also be a path to working with our losses.

Trying to avoid judgment--I think a person who has made a habit out of cheating and lying can be expected to continue the habit.
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Octy
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2017, 03:30:38 PM »

gotbushells
 About my use of "selfishness".

 It seems a lot of great advice that comes from moderators and advisors (and even my trusted family/friends) steers our feelings away from the person with BPD and to concentrate on ourselves. It is the way out of this eventually. I also know that our path is not linear and it's O.K not to be ready yet. I just judge myself for knowing better than to go over and over and over the events of the past(ruminating), when it can't be changed. This is very unlike me. Thought I could just move on as I lean towards eastern philosophy. I've actually had an uncle just tell me to "get over it" a few months ago. Ouch. I know this  forum is were I may be understood. It is just so chaotic to not have had it witnessed outside of the r/s. I also have had relationships twice as long that I moved on from so much easier. The "selfishness" is wanting her current r/s to fail. That's a point I dont want stay in. What's worse is the accusations that I was the lier and cheater. She was much younger than me and I want the truth of her character to be owned by her. I know Im grasping for straws as she most likely will deflect her actions with superhuman explanation.

gotbushels
"Trying to avoid judgment--I think a person who has made a habit out of cheating and lying can be expected to continue the habit"

I'm trying to eventually avoid judgement also, but calling myself "selfish" I was judging myself. The smearing causes me to want the mask to slide and her actions in the dark to come out. In other words I do not wish her better yet and that is is selfishness.
To each their own In processing. I only meant that some sites don't acknowledge that BPD exists and that woman(sexist even if the stats lean towards higher female diagnosis) are "all" just "crazy".
Im stuck on a phone so I hope this is legible
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once removed
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2017, 04:00:09 PM »

the phrase "try to feel your feelings without judgment" isnt some platitude, it can be a real life changer.

The "selfishness" is wanting her current r/s to fail. That's a point I dont want stay in.

thats honest. its human, and its a feeling. it doesnt have to last forever either.

I want the truth of her character to be owned by her.

thats very familiar to me. it felt like anger, but it was no longer a relieving sense of anger, just intrusive and consuming and stifling. have you thought about putting it toward a creative action?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
gotbushels
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2017, 07:46:58 AM »

Yes, focusing on ourselves is good way to go forward. When we act in a manner consistent with our beliefs and values, that's coming from ourselves. Sometimes this process of a relationship with pwBPD can help us investigate beliefs that we previously took for granted.

I think you're right, I do think the path is not linear and it takes time.

I hope this helps with the rumination. If you're finding yourself stuck in a judgment cycle of yourself and ruminating--you can try writing it down. This can sometimes help in moving forward.

I do think that off this forum you may feel a lot of the 'get over it' sentiment. I found that people off this board don't understand. When I explained how my ex fit the DSM criteria, I was mostly met with "oh okay, I can't relate to that" sort of thing. It basically stopped conversations. So I too feel understood here.

I want the truth of her character to be owned by her.
I share once removed's familiarity with this statement. I'm looking forward to your thoughts from here.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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