Reaching my limit

[madeline7]

My story may be very familiar, yet I feel singled out so I am reaching out to a community that understands and can hopefully give me validation and strength. After a long and convoluted relationship (if you can call it that) with a BPD Mother and a Father who enabled her throughout, I have reached my limit and feel that I can no longer put myself through the manipulations and emotional turmoil of her explosive and unpredictable outbursts. Yet I feel like I "should" because my Mom is now old and widowed. Actually, I know I "shouldn't" for my own health, but feel I will be viewed by the outside world as uncaring. Thank you for your insights.

[heartandwhole]

Hi madeline7,



I'm sorry that it has come to this, but I can very much understand you reaching that limit. These kinds of relationships can really do a number on our wellbeing. Your concerns about how others will view you is very understandable. You are definitely not alone in that—so many of us have been there. 

Did something specific happen to bring you to this decision, madeline7? Do you have siblings, and if so, how are they handling your mom's behavior?

Keep posting and sharing. We here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi madeline7, 



I'd like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand that you've had enough, we all have our limits and I agree with you that self protection is a good idea if she doesn't respect your boundaries. How's your support system in real life? Do you have a confidante? Is there someone that you can turn to that is no judgemental and doesn't invalidate? Are you seeing a T? You're not alone.

[madeline7]

This was probably a long time coming but since my Dad passed away a year ago, there is no buffer between me and her. I am not on the same page as my siblings, but have a great SO and adult children , and started seeing a T so I have a good support system.   But I am feeling shut out from my family of origin (not just my BPD Mom), and trying to wrap my head around that.

[MiloSpiral]

Hi madeline7,

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with your mother. The guilt and obligation that so many of us feel towards our pwBPD is incredibly taxing, so I can definitely understand why you'd be at your limit. You are not uncaring, and you are not alone!

What do you mean when you say that you are not on the same page as your siblings? Do you mean that your siblings enable your mother in similar ways that your father used to do?

[madeline7]

Yes, one sibling is now enabling like my Dad did and the other sibling and I have grown apart, likely due to years of triangulation from a Mom who is narcissistic. The whole family system is out of balance. I had hoped that we could be a support to one another, so I am now looking outside my family of origin for that, and I guess it has taken me by surprise. So the lack of support I feel coupled with the chronic issues of dealing with a BPD Mom has caused me to say... .STOP the merry go round, I want to get off!

[MiloSpiral]

Hi madeline7,

I very much relate to your metaphor of a merry-go-round! I feel the same way very often. Not so merry, though... .

It is great that you are seeing a T. Outside of familial and friend support networks, Ts are great sounding boards as they are completely removed from the situation and they are experts at validating your feelings. Which, by the way, your feelings are very very valid! I'd imagine I'd feel very similar to you if my family and I were not on the same page about dealing with our pwBPD: lonely, lost, guilty, maybe like the bad guy. These are all very normal feelings and it is okay that you are having them. Just know that you aren't the bad guy and you are actually taking some very concrete and good steps towards maintaining your own health!

Though it may not feel like it right now, it might be a good thing that you are separated from your family of origin right now. It means that you can focus on YOUR healing and you do not have to take an active part in their enabling behaviors. Oftentimes, when we have chosen to stop enabling and someone else hasn't, we have to set up boundaries with the enabling party the same as we would with our pwBPD. While you take some time away from your family, can you think of any concrete boundaries you need to set for your personal health with your family, be it with a sibling or with your mom?  

[madeline7]

Hi MiloSpiral,
I am coming to the conclusion that for now, I have to focus on me and will take a temporary break from my FOO. I feel like there is no hope with my Mom, and it is not in my best interest to have any contact with her, but I am open to communicating with my sisters on an occasional basis should they reach out to me. I am working very hard to grieve the loss of the family I wish I had.