I'm trying to reconnect with a sister with BPD traits

[Determined25]

This is a long, tumultuous story, so I'll try to keep it brief. I have had an on again, off again relationship with my older sister for the past 5 years. She no longer speaks to my parents because of her and her husband's erratic, emotionally and physically abusive behavior, he who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

She has a 6 y.o daughter from a previous relationship that I helped raise from the day she was born, who was and still is the biggest love in my life, and two other daughters with her current husband. She also converted to Islam as he did and they are of a very "strict" nature where they don't even go to their neighbor mosque because the mosque "wrongly makes their own interpretations"

So yes, I have a lot on my plate. After almost two years of not speaking with her due to an argument that arose when we were discussing her relationship with my parents, I decided on a whim to just stop by her house with my dog and visit them.

She welcomed me in with little to no problems. I said hi to her husband, who ignored me, and he left for work shortly. After spending some time with her and my nieces, we agreed to hang out again soon. I made plans with her the following week to take her and the girls out. She said she was happy and excited.

The following day, I receive pages upon pages of text messages from her bringing up the past, criticizing my intentions, saying we couldn't move forward until my parents met with her and her husband, saying that I was picking my parents side, that she couldn't trust me, etc.

MY QUESTION IS... .I am more aware this time that it is her disorder speaking, and that I cannot take her abusive language personally... .but HOW can I diffuse her and maintain a relationship with her so that I can be in my niece's lives? I just want to be able to put past arguments in the past and move on. And I also refuse to have her put me in the middle of her and my parent's issues.

[Mutt]

Hi Determined25,  

'

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how painful and disappointing that would feel when you're denied access to your niece when you mended a falling out. Many of our members can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.

HOW can I diffuse her and maintain a relationship with her so that I can be in my niece's lives? I just want to be able to put past arguments in the past and move on.

She's triangulating which is common with a pwBPD/NPD, BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others, a pwBPD will cast themselves as victim and others a persecutor, the way to diffuse her is to identify triangulation and to not participate in this dance, remain in the middle of the triangle and don't take any sides, if you take a side it keeps conflict and blame ongoing. That being said, she's triggered with feelings that she can't cope with and projecting that on someone else, which is you at the moment, it's not personal to us, I suggest to depersonalize the behaviors. Here's an article on drama triangles.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle