Deception-Why does no one else know she is BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Do BPD's only act that way in a relationship?

She was a very highly functioning BPD,was that it?

I mean my ex was absolutely loved by all her friends, co-workers, got outstanding work ratings, won patient voted most excellence awards literally almost every quarter, had a PhD and when I talked to her friends about some of her behaviour, it was like "You can't be talking about xxx, she would never do that, she's not like that, nobody has anything but good to say about her, she is going to be a real catch to some lucky guy".  It was rare, very rare it showed in public, like 2 different people.

My head is still spinning 1 year after final contact as to what the hell happened.  I'd have an easier time believing I was abducted by aliens than what I went through for 3 years, then the 1.5 year break-up.  Insane.

[Bo123]

Do BPD's only act that way in a relationship?

She was a very highly functioning BPD,was that it?

I mean my ex was absolutely loved by all her friends, co-workers, got outstanding work ratings, won patient voted most excellence awards literally almost every quarter, had a PhD and when I talked to her friends about some of her behaviour, it was like "You can't be talking about xxx, she would never do that, she's not like that, nobody has anything but good to say about her, she is going to be a real catch to some lucky guy".  It was rare, very rare it showed in public, like 2 different people.

My head is still spinning 1 year after final contact as to what the hell happened.  I'd have an easier time believing I was abducted by aliens than what I went through for 3 years, then the 1.5 year break-up.  Insane.

[Aesir]

I know where you are coming from. My ex is very good at acting and putting on appearances for the public. She seems to have a external locus of control.  She's smart and was a straight A college Grad. But when it comes to those closest to her the  behavior is different, that's where the blaming and distortions start. Sometimes it seemed like she had a split personality. Everyone says she's such a sweet girl. Only if they knew. I wondered did any of her acquaintances notice anything off.

[WishIKnew82]

Do other loved ones know? People that are close to her or were close to her? How did her past relationships go?
I will say this. Being borderline with just 1 person is not possible in my view.
It is a illness that is ingrained in someone's system. One is capable of being happy go lucky in everyday life but the dysfunction will rear its ugly head in very close relationships.  
So do you think you are the only one ever having that experience with her? In that case, you probably just triggered the wrong things in each other? Maybe you just weren't compatible?

I must say that I do have a slight prejudice when it comes to this since my ex accused me of being all of the cluster B disorders. I had been healthy and stable my whole life, never a problem with anyone nor had anyone ever suggested something was off with me until his dysfunction entered my life and he exhausted me beyond belief. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. He was ofcourse still claiming he discovered the 'real' me and no one knew about it because they didn't digg deep enough. Well since he is gone, I am myself again.

[WishIKnew82]

I know where you are coming from. My ex is very good at acting and putting on appearances for the public. She seems to have a external locus of control.  She's smart and was a straight A college Grad. But when it comes to those closest to her the  behavior is different, that's where the blaming and distortions start. Sometimes it seemed like she had a split personality. Everyone says she's such a sweet girl. Only if they knew. I wondered did any of her acquaintances notice anything off.

That is indeed possible. Other people close to her experience the same behaviour. I just have my doubt when there is only one person claiming something. Especially since people with borderline and narcissism love to gaslight people and projecting their own issues.

[ynwa]

I've asked questions of my ex's friends about her. To varying degrees over time, there was and still is behavior that falls into the traits.  Not talking to people over periods of time, when slights were made. Complaining people don't call her, so why should she. Comments about people at work being unable to do what SHE needed, and then later be the BEST ever.

With her family and me, the outbursts and rages were much stronger the push/pull so much easier to see. I was clearly my ex's longest and most intense relationship.  I didn't back away or leave and Her family has no choice. 

When she wanted something, she was an angel. When she did not get it, or perceived anything to be an insult or judgement against her, the abuse started.

Talking to her now, it would seem as I imagined that ironing board flying across the room past my head. The holes in the wall prove me right.

Has your understanding of what happened improved and seeing it wasn't you improved in that time?

[Confused108]

I know where you are coming from. My ex is very good at acting and putting on appearances for the public. She seems to have a external locus of control.  She's smart and was a straight A college Grad. But when it comes to those closest to her the  behavior is different, that's where the blaming and distortions start. Sometimes it seemed like she had a split personality. Everyone says she's such a sweet girl. Only if they knew. I wondered did any of her acquaintances notice anything off.

Havjng a "Split Personality" is possible. I've been told by 2 specialists  and a few BPD books and articles online mention it as well. My ex is a HIGH Functiong  BPD with I belive a "Split Personality". Loved by all her friends , co workers etc. . I also know that with some ex boyfriends were treated like gold and never painted black! While I was pushed / pulled, raged at and treated like sh*t and then of course painted black. My ex is my friend from 12 yo who turned into my girlfriend at 14yo. Long story short we were broken up by my Mom and my ex went loopy and her parents put her in a mental hospital for 2 months. Came out worse then when she went in I'm told by mutual friends. Anyway she ten painted me black for 26 years . Found me on FB Feb 2013 and I was stupid and fell for her bs June 2015 after she told me she still loved me. She finally disgarded me Sept 2015 after a 2 month hell ride of craziness! Def acted as if I was dealing with 2 different ppl. My ex and what I like to call her other personality "The Protector"  who absolutely hates me.

[Mutt]

Hi envision,

Do BPD's only act that way in a relationship?

She was a very highly functioning BPD,was that it?

You can't see mental illness like you can see a bodily injury. All of  our exes on this board are not defined by their personality disorder, they're all different people with different personalities, different severity, traits of the disorder along a continuum.

Intimacy triggers the disorder, unless your really close to that person you're not going to see the behaviors first hand, your ex is not intimate with coworkers, professionals or whoever that she sees outside of the home. BPD Ix arrested emotional development, the person has the emotional equivalency of a young child, a pwBPD want emotional intimacy but cannot sustain healthy adult intimacy.

The closeness from intimacy triggers the fear of engulfment, fear of the self being consumed by the r/s, a pwBPD will push you away, the distance triggers what a pwBPD fear most, abandonment fears and a pwBPD will pull, this push pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non's. ‎

A pwBPD are people from all walks of life, education, vocation, etc... .a pwBPD are just like anybody, the person just happens to be emotionally arrested at the age of a young child and intimacy causes them to act out.

[Gear Jammer]

The BPD girl I was with nobody knew what she was like she did pick fights with the people she worked with but I was the only one that truly knew who she was. She hid the fact that she has mental illness and BPD. When we were alone at work or alone in private you could literally see she felt empty she had that look on her face. If somebody walked in the office or room we were in she could flick a switch in her head and hide her other side soon as that person left she flicked the switch.

When I first met her she never flicked the switch it didn't take long till the switch was flicked and never did flick back. If she wasn't in the mood to flick her switch when people came around she would hide behind me or leave the room.

[apollotech]

Hi envision,

You can't see mental illness like you can see a bodily injury. All of  our exes on this board are not defined by their personality disorder, they're all different people with different personalities, different severity, traits of the disorder along a continuum.

Intimacy triggers the disorder, unless your really close to that person you're not going to see the behaviors first hand, your ex is not intimate with coworkers, professionals or whoever that she sees outside of the home. BPD Ix arrested emotional development, the person has the emotional equivalency of a young child, a pwBPD want emotional intimacy but cannot sustain healthy adult intimacy.

The closeness from intimacy triggers the fear of engulfment, fear of the self being consumed by the r/s, a pwBPD will push you away, the distance triggers what a pwBPD fear most, abandonment fears and a pwBPD will pull, this push pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non's. ‎

A pwBPD are people from all walks of life, education, vocation, etc... .a pwBPD are just like anybody, the person just happens to be emotionally arrested at the age of a young child and intimacy causes them to act out.

What Mutt said, the emotional intimacy is required to trigger the engulfment. Once that is triggered, it gets ugly.

[The Teacher]

My ex is my friend from 12 yo who turned into my girlfriend at 14yo. Long story short we were broken up by my Mom ... .Found me on FB Feb 2013 and I was stupid and fell for her bs June 2015 after she told me she still loved me... .

Wow, Confused... .many similarities with my story... .my stbEX and I dated in high school, were broken up by her dad (her abuser, I only recently learned), and she found me on FB after 34 years... .lured me in... .love of my life spiel... .the whole nine yards. After I married her I learned how unwell she is... .the divorce drags on.

[bus boy]

Hi Envision, my Xw is very much like your description of your X. They are devious manipulators, some of xw's coworkers praise the ground she walks on but some of them have seen the real her and can't stand her. Behind closed doors she was the devil. I like what Mutt wrote intimacy and engulfment, I terrified my Xw, she showed zero intimacy. She put me through unspeakable hell and convinced my I was the most horrible person she ever met and I believed it. She had been totally out of my life for year 1/2, it has been emotional hell but the past while it has been pretty good. My emotions feel right, it's my pesky brain playing tricks on me. They will always fool people, I tell my self everyday " I know how she treated me and that's all that counts"

[Confused108]

Wow, Confused... .many similarities with my story... .my stbEX and I dated in high school, were broken up by her dad (her abuser, I only recently learned), and she found me on FB after 34 years... .lured me in... .love of my life spiel... .the whole nine yards. After I married her I learned how unwell she is... .the divorce drags on.

Wow Teacher I'm sorry you went thru this. My ex got married and moved to Canada. Her marriage of course didn't last. Found a warm body after she threw her husband away and that guy has been on and off her boyfriend for years now. I was just stupid and believed all the crap that came out of her lying mouth. My ex is a real manipulator etc. I feel she just came back into my life to do exactly what she did ... .break my heart all over again. Even tho my mom broke us up it wasn't my fault. My ex believed that I dumped her for someone my mom told her I was dating . This was lie. I told my ex this when we were 15 and she just painted me black and I never heard from her for 26 years. Then when she came back she still believed I dated this person and threw her there. It's like they do t beljve anything only what they want to.

[Lucky Jim]

The closeness from intimacy triggers the fear of engulfment, fear of the self being consumed by the r/s, a pwBPD will push you away, the distance triggers what a pwBPD fear most, abandonment fears and a pwBPD will pull, this push pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non's. ‎

Agree w/that, Mutt.  The paradox is that their behavior -- pushing away -- brings about the exact result that they fear most, abandonment, which causes them to pull.  At that point the whole push/pull cycle starts all over again, and the roller coaster ride continues.

envision: In my view those w/BPD are quite savvy about hiding their disorder from the outside world.  My BPDxW is a gregarious person who was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know that, behind closed the doors, the "Mayor" had a dark side and she was incredibly difficult to live with!  Only those closest to the person w/BPD will ever witness the outrageous behavior.  Others will be kept in the dark.

LuckyJim

[Pretty Woman]

BPD's are excellent actors/actresses.

Did you meet a lot of these "friends"? My ex had a lot of FB friends she would tell personal stories about. But many she hadn't seen since HS. These were OLD stories or things she made up. A majority of her "friends" were people we met together.

She had a few enablers in her rotation but no real friends.

Why do people not know she is BPD? 1) they are used to her behavior 2) many of them are also BPD or more effed up than she is.

At least that's my experience.

Like you, I don't miss the crazy-making insanity.

[Weary1402]

Oh how I can relate to this! I see her pursuing other people just like she did me. Everyone sees her as the broken, helpless, frail person in need of rescue. I got suckered in and once a relationship started it was INSANE! I hate that I look like the bad person in her life. The one causing her emotional distress. I just want to broadcast our conversations so people see who is the abuser. Totally maddening.

[apollotech]

Weary1402:
... .once a relationship started it was INSANE!

Yep, the emotional connection/intimacy is established; engulfment gets triggered, and the ensuing pushing starts. The relationship goes south. That is why only the loved ones see the nasty side of BPD, while the general populace is unaware of the person having the disorder (no emotional intimacy).

You will see that scenario told over and over again on these boards. When the relationship should be at the apex of happiness and contentment--arrival of a child, engagement, moving in together, vacationing together, etc.---the wheels fall off.

[Portent]

You will see that scenario told over and over again on these boards. When the relationship should be at the apex of happiness and contentment--arrival of a child, engagement, moving in together, vacationing together, etc.---the wheels fall off.

Yep for me it was as soon as we tried to vacation with our new child. Once she realized that she had lost her freedom she started to devalue me.

[AustenJ]

Especially for high performing borderlines there is quite a bit of stigma attached to a diagnosis of BPD. I work with my exBPDgf and she would be mortified if coworkers knew of her disorder. There were times even in our relationship that she herself wasn't convinced that she had BPD even though she had been through some therapy. She was convinced that the psychiatry prescribed drugs were bad for her body and that her therapist was a quack. Plus being only 26 years old, the friends she socialized with abused alcohol, vaped, and had reckless sex... .which was all very "normal" behavior for her age, she rationalized. Her and her gilfriends birth control was the morning after pill, which can really screw up your hormones. She was pretty secure in her job as a middle school PE teacher because she found it easier to relate to preteens as opposed to adults... .of course, she still stressed incessantly about doing lesson plans and other parts of her job that would be routine for nonBPDs. But no one saw that except for me... .her coworkers would all consider her very emotional as she would break down and cry frequently at the smallest things... .but most considered that normal for someone so young and sensitive. She would cry privately in front of the principal frequently... .but the only time I recall her breaking down in front of students, Parents and coworkers was at a basketball game--she was the cheerleading coach, naturally, and she had to keep the score book at a game once because we were short-handed. I was running the clock and trying to help her with the book... .it was going well for about 10 minutes until she missed a basket... .which is no big deal to nons... .but when the referee's and coaches converged on her at the scorer's table she totally flipped out, crying hysterically, eventually running and hiding behind the stage curtains... .it was so sad... .and she was so embarrassed... .but very typical behavior for a borderline

[Portent]

Especially for high performing borderlines there is quite a bit of stigma attached to a diagnosis of BPD. I work with my exBPDgf and she would be mortified if coworkers knew of her disorder. There were times even in our relationship that she herself wasn't convinced that she had BPD even though she had been through some therapy. She was convinced that the psychiatry prescribed drugs were bad for her body and that her therapist was a quack.

Sounds like my BPDw. She is scared to death of being diagnossed as BPD. When I first told her I thought she was BPD she freaked out on me. "Thats almost psychotic" etc. she knew exactly what it was which means she had already researched it.

You will find that BPDs tend to know full well what BPD is because they have tried in the past to find out what is wrong with them but refuse to accept it.