Dumped by BPD girlfriend for the 4th and seemingly final time

[Injector]

My ex has dumped me three times before, always out of the blue after an especially brilliant evening or fantastic few weeks together. The first time really shocked and hit me for six because she had been saying how happy she was to have found me and how I was the "perfect boyfriend" the evening before. So yes, each time she does it now it isn't shocking or a surprise... .but it's still heartbreaking.

The thing is, the reasons she gives for ending the relationship read like a long, irrational list. Such as I call too much, don't give her enough space, or don't like her child. I think her child is amazing and she knows this, plus I only see her at weekends so how can I not be giving her enough space? As for calling her once a day, really, that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do!

Anyway, to cut to the chase in December we had an awesome few weeks. She told me that I make her so happy, that she's madly in love with me and that she couldn't bear to not have me. We always have a ton of fun together and everything is great... .until her PMS hits and she pushes me away like clockwork. This happens every single month and lasts for 10 days. She thinks incredibly negatively about our relationship, brings up every previous historic disagreement we've ever had, withdraws all affection and doesn't want to see me at the weekend. It's always touch and go whether she dumps me or not and if I walk on eggshells then I'm usually ok... .for a few months. Like clockwork, no matter how great the previous weeks have been, she will dump me every few months. What makes it different this time is that I've been deleted off FB and Whatsapp, plus given the silent treatment for four weeks now.

She said on the day she dumped me that she doesn't trust me, brought up all the previous disagreements we've ever had (and had moved on from) and that it's definitely over this time. She also said that I make her unhappy, when two weeks earlier I'm the perfect boyfriend and I make her so happy. We've had zero arguments or disagreements in the four months since she last dumped me. So am I to think that it's definitely over this time? These dumpings are so heartbreaking, the going from amazing to fully off with the flick of a switch.

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[Mutt]

Hi Injector,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch. I can see how confusing and frustrating that would feel when a pwBPD pushes us away. I can relate with your post, it was routine with my exuBPDw, she'd throw me out of the house or I would leave for my sisters right after the Christmas holidays. A pwBPD have a fear of engulfment a fear of being rejected and consumed by the r/s, a pwBPD will push their partners then pull because the space triggers what a pwBPD fear even more, fear of abandonment. This push / pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner.

It helps to learn as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. It also helps to talk to people that can relate with you, and can offer guidance and support, you'll see that you'll fit right in here you're not alone. Nobody can tell you 100% if she's going to come back, there's always a margin for error but there's a good chance from her past behavior, past behavior can dictate future ones.

What does "fear of engulfment" mean?

PS  you'll find the lessons to the right side of the board ------------------------>

[reignmann151]

hello injector
I have been through what you described. Yes it is hard and heartbreaking and gut wrenching. My ex would do it every 3 to4 days a month so u can just imagine my pain. It would be good for 3 days and then boom shes lie a different person saying that she wants to end it. It would be good mon tues wed and then Fri  I don't want company I want to be alone. I just found this site because I am in bad shape and already it's been helpful to make me understand it wasn't anything wrong with me. I had to start seeing a counceler because of the emotional angish. Just know you are not alone and this could help you heal.

[Careca9]

Hi Injector,

sorry to hear about your situation, im in almost a similar place with my ex so know how you must be feeling. I've also just been finished 7 weeks ago, but for me this was the first time, and this came out of the blue. i was also told i made her so happy and she was so in love one day to it being over the next. I was also then blocked on facebook and whatsapp in the following days and still am now. silent treatment is not nice to be on the end of especially when you can see someone throwing away something so good for what seems no reason at all.

there's lots of good information on here and also on psych forums from a BPD side, id suggest you read up as much as you can to then best decide on your situation and what you should do. each situation is different but the more you know the better you will be to decide on a course of action, dependent if you want her back or not?

I wouldn't read too much into the reasons you were given, if you read a lot of the breakups on here we all have similar experiences. She will be trying to push you away and this is likely to be the easiest topic to use. if you read on the psych forum a lot of BPD sufferers will say they just have to do anything they can to push the other person away to sooth the emotions.

as to whether she will come back, no-one will know. The majority do though so chances are reasonably high that you will be recycled at some point, id just say you should take the time out to re-evaluate if you want her back so you know what to do if she does respond. if she doesn't there isn't anything you will be able to do, you wont find one account on here where someone has reasoned with someone with BPD who has painted them balck and convinced them to change their mind. i'd just advise preparing for that outcome as best you can and try and move on with your life, this isnt you remember its all about them. They hold all the cards so get yourself in the best place you can and have a plan for what you want to do if she makes contact with you, or eventually replies to a message you send