Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:55:20 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I don't know how I can do this  (Read 333 times)
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« on: January 28, 2017, 12:08:32 PM »

I have really taken a step back from my pwBPD this week - he asked for space and I know I need space.  I haven't been spending evenings at his house and I have really worked on keeping things light and professional as it can be at work. Its been getting really busy at the office - I have to keep my focus on work.

Last night, he asked me to come over for dinner.  I hesitated which in hindsight must have invalidated him.  I said I had a couple of errands to do and I would stop by afterwards.  He said fine - he would like to have a relaxing night and watch tv.   I got there and he was in bed.   I knew he wasn't sleeping but just laying in bed in the dark.  I asked him if he was ok - he didn't answer me and I went downstairs.   I sat on the couch for a little bit - thinking he would come down.  He never came down.   I got frustrated and I left.   I didn't go up and talk to him before I left - I didn't say a word.  I was getting upset and I didn't want to argue with him.   He called me 5 minutes after I left.   I didn't answer.   I didn't have a good feeling and I didn't want to fight. 

This morning, he called and I did answer.  I know I am probably delusional but I was hoping that we could have an actual conversation about what happened last night.   He was furious that I didn't have the common decency to even say goodbye and he can't believe I am so cold and don't care.  I got mad. He invited me over - refused to talk to me - and then when on about how lonely he is and how selfish I am.   Which, of course, spiraled the entire conversation downhill very fast.  I got very upset and emotional - he said that he associates me with chaos and unhappiness and will never see me any other way.  I am just a source of money for him and as soon as he gets what he wants  - he will move on.  He said he associates me with all the unpleasant things that mess up his head and it just keeps getting worse.  I was hurt and I couldn't keep my mouth shut.   I should have ended the call and let it go.   Instead, I am a mess right now. 

I guess I got lulled into thinking that we could be cordial at work and we could somehow work through things.  He made comments throughout the week about how he is getting the wrong treatment at therapy and he knows he has to stop handling stress by lashing out and hurting me.  He said he wants to work on changing his behavior and he asked me for help.  I said I would support him any way I could.  But I can't ignore the toll it is taking on me.   For whatever reason, when he talks about ending our personal relationship, I go into a blind panic.  My immediate response is that I don't want it to end.  Emotionally, that triggers me into being stuck.  Logically, I know how unhealthy this is for me.  Its unhealthy for him too.  We barely have a work relationship since he basically stopped working long ago.  The entire business rests on my shoulders and I am worn out.  I love what I do.  I had such high hopes for things and now I am just sad about it all. 

I don't know how I can see him at work - act like everything is fine when I don't feel fine at all.  I am hurt and worn out.   I guess I have made progress over the past 4 years but it's hard to feel like that today. 
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2017, 01:59:23 PM »

After I posted this, I spent some time reading things on the board.  I don't want to be such a sad pathetic person. I wanted to reinforce the lessons and help myself feel better. 

I found an article about the 10 beliefs that can get you stuck and I realize this is me.  The only ones that didn't fit were 7 and 8.  Otherwise, I am stuck and have been stuck holding on to these beliefs.   

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them
10) Belief that they have seen the light

I realized that I am keeping myself stuck - actually, keeping him stuck as well.  I have been holding so tight to some of those beliefs and I keep getting hurt and worn out.  I know that he is mentally ill.  I have been committed to staying for so many reasons and now I wonder if any of my reasons are valid.  I thought I had radically accepted things.  I don't think I have.  I don't really know what to do with all my emotions right now - I have to accept even if I commit to staying - he is totally done with our relationship.   He associates me with so many negative experiences in his life - it hurts that all the good things are gone from his mind. 

I have to help myself get through this and I know I am lost right now.   

Our lives are so entangled and intertwined - I don't know where to start.  I don't want our relationship to end.  But he has been ending it for years and I keep ignoring that.  Any thoughts or suggestions would really help.


Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!