Am struggling with the cheating, lies and abrupt end aspect of him ending it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This man behaved madly in love with me right up until the very end. Only one month ago today.  One day a really nice heart to heart talk and him wanting me to move into his house to the very next day not answering my calls or texts, to the following day him posting pics of he and another woman on FB. Then the following day the call.  He raved with such hatred towards me.  Said he hated me and never wanted to see me again and if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  I couldn't get a word in except why are you doing this.  He said he found someone new and he didn't owe me an explanation and hung up.  I've been completely blocked out on FB and he changed his phone number. 

We had so many plans for our future.  He always brought it up and talked about it.  He wanted a full commitment from me.  He said he wanted me with him everyday forever.  He was insanely jealous and my fidelity was really important to him.

I recently learned a week ago he had an online dating profile up for a month before he dumped me abruptly.  That's how he met that woman.  They only met each other for one weekend before our breakup at the end of that month as I had his time accounted for as he was with me the rest of the time.  She lives about 2 hours away and knowing his work schedule and honestly when I was in the FB stalking stage, they can only see each other on weekends. Seems she's forgotten that she has kids that need caring for and they go out a lot and party Friday - Sunday.  I wonder how he' going to react when finally she has to actually play mommy and say no to him like I was having to for a bit before the break up?  He didn't like being told no.  How is that going to be okay with him when being with me almost daily apparently wasn't enough according to him?

Anyway, why didn't he just break up with me and then do the online thing?  Why the jealously and accusations of me cheating knowing I was faithful and why the concern I be faithful to him if he was going to do this?   Why do they have to line up a replacement like people talk about here?  Why wasn't I enough for him?  How can he just discard such a close and intimate relationship with no remorse?  Is he smooshing her the way he did me?   Telling her the same things.  He's definitely taking her to the same places when she visits and his FB mimicks all the pics he and I took of each other.  I almost feel like he's attempting to recreate our relationship. 

I once heard him tell a friend "this is the love of my life right there" as he grabbed my hand and pulled me over to him.  I feel like my entire relationship with him was one big lie.  That he couldn't have possibly loved me.  It was nothing more than a game to him.  That he is one hell of an actor.  I must have meant nothing to him yet... .

I keep seeing on here about recycling.  My counselor and friends and a couple of people here tell me he will try to come back.  But why me then?  I wasn't good enough apparently.  I don't see him coming back out of the blue.  Why wouldn't he just pick someone else?  Why am I at risk of being a target again?  Should I really anticipate that he will try to?  I just can't wrap my head around that he'd even try considering how brutally and I believe deliberately set out to hurt and punish me for some perceived reason.  Now I'm scared.  But I'm still grieving too.  If he did try to come back, I'm not ready yet to fight it.  I feel too weak yet.

It's funny.  My counselor said to me that considering how long his past relationships lasted, I'm at the high end of his spectrum so she feels he felt something genuine for me in his mind though Lord knows what it was.  I just don't get any of this.  I just wish he had broken up with me compassionately before he sought another woman.  Thanks for listening.

[mjssmom]

This man behaved madly in love with me right up until the very end. Only one month ago today.  One day a really nice heart to heart talk and him wanting me to move into his house to the very next day not answering my calls or texts, to the following day him posting pics of he and another woman on FB. Then the following day the call.  He raved with such hatred towards me.  Said he hated me and never wanted to see me again and if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  I couldn't get a word in except why are you doing this.  He said he found someone new and he didn't owe me an explanation and hung up.  I've been completely blocked out on FB and he changed his phone number. 

We had so many plans for our future.  He always brought it up and talked about it.  He wanted a full commitment from me.  He said he wanted me with him everyday forever.  He was insanely jealous and my fidelity was really important to him.

I recently learned a week ago he had an online dating profile up for a month before he dumped me abruptly.  That's how he met that woman.  They only met each other for one weekend before our breakup at the end of that month as I had his time accounted for as he was with me the rest of the time.  She lives about 2 hours away and knowing his work schedule and honestly when I was in the FB stalking stage, they can only see each other on weekends. Seems she's forgotten that she has kids that need caring for and they go out a lot and party Friday - Sunday.  I wonder how he' going to react when finally she has to actually play mommy and say no to him like I was having to for a bit before the break up?  He didn't like being told no.  How is that going to be okay with him when being with me almost daily apparently wasn't enough according to him?

Anyway, why didn't he just break up with me and then do the online thing?  Why the jealously and accusations of me cheating knowing I was faithful and why the concern I be faithful to him if he was going to do this?   Why do they have to line up a replacement like people talk about here?  Why wasn't I enough for him?  How can he just discard such a close and intimate relationship with no remorse?  Is he smooshing her the way he did me?   Telling her the same things.  He's definitely taking her to the same places when she visits and his FB mimicks all the pics he and I took of each other.  I almost feel like he's attempting to recreate our relationship. 

I once heard him tell a friend "this is the love of my life right there" as he grabbed my hand and pulled me over to him.  I feel like my entire relationship with him was one big lie.  That he couldn't have possibly loved me.  It was nothing more than a game to him.  That he is one hell of an actor.  I must have meant nothing to him yet... .

I keep seeing on here about recycling.  My counselor and friends and a couple of people here tell me he will try to come back.  But why me then?  I wasn't good enough apparently.  I don't see him coming back out of the blue.  Why wouldn't he just pick someone else?  Why am I at risk of being a target again?  Should I really anticipate that he will try to?  I just can't wrap my head around that he'd even try considering how brutally and I believe deliberately set out to hurt and punish me for some perceived reason.  Now I'm scared.  But I'm still grieving too.  If he did try to come back, I'm not ready yet to fight it.  I feel too weak yet.

It's funny.  My counselor said to me that considering how long his past relationships lasted, I'm at the high end of his spectrum so she feels he felt something genuine for me in his mind though Lord knows what it was.  I just don't get any of this.  I just wish he had broken up with me compassionately before he sought another woman.  Thanks for listening.

[Soulcrushed4]

You aren't alone in your confusion.

The endless why's send me to a very dark place.
I too struggle with feeling unworthy and left trying to make sense of something illogical that seems so incredibly calculated and intentional.

My ex has certain lines he uses on various new marks, he used them on me and used them on those before me, they seem to be mixed up or modified slightly depending on what it seems the person can do for him be it financial or emotional support or sex or whatnot. He seems to be an expert at manipulating people and situations to lend plausible support to whatever his latest storyline is. I believe he honestly truly believes his own lies which helps in selling the latest sob story to the random of the moment and at this point is incapable of facing reality.

I am glad my therapist has not indicated his feelings for me were genuine based on the length of the relationship as I'm not convinced anything was genuine or if it was then it was only genuine in a very fleeting moment of time or at least not my idea of a genuine relationship. I am more inclined to think I was simply the latest in a long line of enablers foolish enough to focus on momentary good qualities combined with having garbage boundaries that stuck around where someone healthier or with more self esteem or who knows what would have ended things at the first red flag.

Having been recycled countless times already I am working on me and facing my part in the ongoing cycle. Not being caught up in the daily (hourly) chaos allows me to see him and myself and our relationship in a much different context. The one time I take a chance in believing in the fairy tale romance it turns into an absolute nightmare.

I don't know that answers to all my why's  exist that would ease the heartache and appease my mind at the same time.

Be gentle with yourself as you take your journey.

[ynwa]

Mjssmom,  I want to extend a hug to you.  .  I see an honest and loving person, using that honesty and love to stand up and be brave.  Thank you for sharing your story. 

There is no reason why or how with BPD sometimes. You have asked some powerful questions.  Most of them have no real answers and I don't mean to sound harsh are about him.  His self centered feelings cannot work themselves out and extend to you.

Have you read the articles here? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

Have you mentioned to your therapist about him being BPD or having traits? 
Have you built a support system? And have you thought about preparing yourself if and when he comes back?

What you are feeling, what you are going through WILL GET BETTER. it's a process, it will take time.  You are stronger than you realize.  So smile!  Ok?

Ynwa

You are not alone in this.  you will get through it. 

[mjssmom]

Thank you for your kind words both of you.  Your right, this IS so confusing and it was so abrupt.  It was devastating.  It was utterly shocking.  I almost still can't believe this isn't just a terrible nightmare.   I have PTSD and this triggered it so I went to my counselor and it was there it was suggested he most likely has a personality disorder.  As we dug in together and I also talked to his sister and then took that info back to my doc and therapist during my appointments,  they agreed that BPD is the most logical conclusion.  Though of course my doc added the disclaimer he'd have to talk to him to know with 100% certainty of course.  So with EMRD therapy for my PTSD, which actually really seems to be helping, hopefully I will be built up enough to just walk away should he contact me.  Right now though, especially now that I know more about BPD, it's hard despite what he did to feel angry.  I still am in love with him but I'm empathetic too.  That's what would do me in if he were to call me anytime soon.  I also would feel the need to ask him all those questions.  See if he can feel any real remorse.  I'm scared of my own feelings more than anything else.

[ynwa]

Hello again mjss,

I'm glad to hear your therapist is aware.  Diagnosis is really only helpful for the person with the disorder.  For you it will help as they guide you through the steps to being the best you. 

For you, it's ok to feel everything, and learn to use it in a positive way.  You have a right to be angry and resentful, even of someone you love.  Finding the balance, and detaching from the emotion is hard.

You have questions?  Ask us here, or your therapist.  You might get some clarity, but I'd suggest more for yourself and about yourself.  Find support in you.

I would ask, what scares you about your feelings?

[mjssmom]

Mostly I'm scared because I still love him and I'm afraid he'd probably at this point be able to draw me back in again and forgive him because I empathize with this illness.  I'm having a hard time blaming him for what he's done.  Can he fully comprehend the pain he's caused me?  I'm scared of my feelings for him and remembering the good times and how loving he could be right up until the end would make me vunerable to continuing the cycle.  So right now that's another thing my therapist and I are working on... .just letting go of the future we had planned together.  But also I'm reaching the angry stage.  I didn't deserve to be lied to and told I'm loved all the while he was deceiving me only to be replaced 2 days later.  He acted loving and was pushing me to move in with him right up until the very end.  I have to wonder, was it an act to set me up knowing he had this other woman in his back pocket, just so he could inflict the most painful punishment he felt I deserved?  He seemed sincere the last time we spoke about us.  In fact demanding that the following week when I would be off of work that we were going to discuss me moving in whether I want to or not.  I just don't understand all of this.  It's broken my heart to be intentionally hurt like this.  I didn't know he was capable of this.  I was confident this man really loved me and he said he'd ever hurt me yet he went out of his way to do so.  So I also fear him coming back while I'm making progress but truthfully, I also fear I'll never see him again.  I miss him so much.

[mjssmom]

And I'm angry at myself that miss him and still love him.  I should hate him for what he's done but I just can't right now.

[mjssmom]

Thanks for the link ynwa.  I'm going to read them this morning.