I blame myself but I also blame her for pushing me too far

[In a bad way]

My mistake was after she had let me down again badly for about the fourth time in two weeks was to get drunk, I hadn't drank on my own for 3 years until she started to cabbage my head.
I sent her some texts with home truths about her abusing me and putting me last over her kids dad, that's a long story which I will go into another time.
Also I mentioned I was fed up with her instant personality change which lead to her treating me like s**t but she denied it and just said everyone has mood swings.
I'd been trying for months to get to the bottom of why she changed in an instant, there were outside pressures from other people as well.
The killer was though I said I should have got rid of her 8 months ago when I realised what a nut job she was and I never wanted to see her again and no wonder her previous boyfriends never stuck around. (I've since found out some didn't and most were abandoned by her)
She has never contacted me since, that was over 7 months ago, to her I don't exist anymore.
She will as she as done in the past move on to someone new or no doubt already has probably several times if her past is anything to go by.

So yes I blame myself but I also blame her for pushing me too far causing my reaction.
Funny thing is all my phone calls are recorded by default and I've listened to the ones from those few days and I sound like a man on the edge who had had enough.
I forgave her for so much abuse and pain she gave me but she couldn't forgive me for that, I know I will never hear from her again and it's killing me.
I knew she was ill but never heard of BPD at the time, plus she didn't remember what the bad person in her had done when she came back down to earth so I couldn't and don't hate her, I wish she would contact me even though I know it was a screwed up relationship for other reasons as well as her illness, mainly the interference from the kids dad and the control he still has on her after them being apart for ten years.
I could go on and on but feel I have already high jacked your thread... .I'm sorry if I have.

[ynwa]

I sound like a man on the edge who had had enough.


I forgave her for so much abuse and pain she gave me but she couldn't forgive me for that.

Hey inabaway,

I read your post and see that maybe you feel torn between your reactions then and what you feel now?  That's a lot to accept, and in a relationship with someone with BPD, it's not uncommon.

Maybe those two sentences are important to you?  They struck me as strong reminders of how she cabbaged your head?  You definitely could have done better. You also could have done better in astrophysics, built your own spaceship and flown to Mars.   

What I'm saying is, don't be too hard on yourself with "blame".  Ask yourself, if you are really worse off without her in your life.  And then ask yourself if she was, would you still be feeling pushed and reacting to someone.

Ynwa

[In a bad way]

       What I'm saying is, don't be too hard on yourself with "blame".  Ask yourself, if you are really worse off without her in your life.               

I haven't got a simple answer to that, yes I am full of guilt but I also know if that weekend hadn't happened she would have carried on causing me pain.
However that pain wasn't as bad as this pain of being without her so YES I do feel worse off.

     And then ask yourself if she was, would you still be feeling pushed and reacting to someone.             

Sorry I don't get the meaning of that sentence.

I can't get my head round how she can just switch off and I'm dead to her after all our plans and promises.
I kept every promise yet she broke 98% of hers and backtracked on the others, I want to believe she really did love me like she said but did she? Realistically she couldn't have done... .Why did she wear my engagement ring?
I also know I'm not the first and won't be the last "victim" that falls for it, when she was on one she liked to show and send me text from previous BF's.
It was easier to read them even though I didn't want to, it was the only way to stop her screaming.
The texts were like what she sent me, she even used the same nicknames for me as she did for them. There was one from the guy she was going to marry before me saying he was fed up with being dumped every 2 weeks.
She got rid of him after a year but that was also the third time she had been in a relationship with him with others in between.
It's like she is a serial (can't think of a word).

Crazy thing is if someone said to me a few years ago and described their relationship as mine was I'd tell them to run as my friends did me.
So she must be addictive as people have said on here, not just to me but the guy she was with 3 times.
Nearly 8 months down the line I am only a tiny bit better and that is down to finding this forum.
I'm still depressed and scared, I have trouble going out and no appetite or motivation.
She is just as she was.

I have a million more things to say all of which are crazy and unbelievable to people so I will just add to this thread as I go along.

So yes logic and head say "bo**cks to her she will never be happy it's not in her and I'm better off out as people say BUT heart is broken and the way in which she can switch off is mind blowing and painful.

[ynwa]

And then ask yourself if she was, would you still be feeling pushed and reacting to someone who more than likely can't or won't change.

Sorry, lost that text somehow.  I can see you trying to make sense of basically being dumped after having gone through so much?  And why does it not make sense. 

I don't try to hang on to the BPD terms, because I like you and others have a support system that doesn't know BPD. And it's so hard to explain what I went through to them, without them going cross eyed.  But FOG and Cognitive Dissonance works up here on this board and it's something you went through and might not have ever known.  But they don't explain the exact situations.  We find ourselves looking back at the What the heck moments and just have no idea how they happened.

You have described a pattern of relationships that started and ended in ways that don't make sense.  Why would you be any different?

The pain of loss is large and powerful. You miss her in memories.  I'm only 2 months out from a relationship I thought would last forever.  I've come a long way, but I'm so far from having one day where I don't think of her.  But... .everyday, and I mean everyday, I'm better off without her.  That took 2 months to say and mean it.  But like me, You were Idealized. You were Devalued. You were Discarded. None of these three things were your fault.

There are some great articles on here.  And workshops to help you see that it wasn't your fault.  If you haven't read them, please do.  It will answer some, and even make some new questions.  I didn't know a thing about BPD, until after the relationship ended.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

You will and already ARE getting through this.  If you go back to your description of her behaviors, you will see the answers too. 

how are things in the rest of your life?  Job, friends? Hobbies?  Do you have a favorite food?  There is more to you than this one person.  I'm learning that, and relearning with everyday.

[infjEpic]

Everybody is capable of an emotional overreaction
Not justBPD

After the attempr on my life, i walked down to her wokolace and wanted to confront her.
You'd swear i was gonna fight Mike Tyson... .

I left it. Then i was dangerously suicidal.


I had fantasies about throwing acid on her face and burning down her uncles farm house.
Then she'd be a saint and id be banged up

Your guilty because you believe you were At fault, but you weren't.

She provked that reaction

You do realise that you could have tried a million alrernate ways but the outcome would be the same.


Why do you feel you are not better off?
Have you sooken with a counsellor?

Sorry for typos - on phone

[In a bad way]

    And then ask yourself if she was, would you still be feeling pushed and reacting to someone who more than likely can't or won't change.              

No she can't and won't change and when she did it was short lived. First 4 months were fantastic, not a single disagreement or anything.
Then one night we were watching TV, something funny and laughing at it both happy. She suddenly looked at me and told me to f off out of her house and called me everything you can think of... .I honestly thought she was joking but she wasn't and she carried on so I had to leave.
Next morning I got a text asking where and why I had gone, I told her.She said she couldn't remember and was sorry.

This got more frequent, I tried to put it down to wine but she had always been drinking it before hand. Time went by she got worse, I put that down to something else which I will explain in a bit. It's slightly off topic but important and relevant.
Then I got the "I don't know why I do it you will have to help me" and "if I do it again just ignore me and go to bed"
That wasn't possible when she sat on the stairs not letting me past and the front door open screaming that loud the whole street could hear... .So I had to leave.
Next day or sometimes an hour later a text... ."where have you gone?"
crazy madness.

As for favourite food I don't have any anymore, I struggle to eat and my favourite foods and cooking remind me of her, I cooked every night except for Sunday when she did.
Hobbies... .Iv'e just started to get back into watching football, I go out if the match is on TV, (to the pub)
I go to the pub on Friday mainly (as daft as it seems) because her mum goes in there (we don't speak), I know she will tell my ex I've been in which means my ex will not go in (I want her to text or something but I don't want to bump into her)
That way she can't smear me to people.

[In a bad way]

Everybody is capable of an emotional overreaction
Not justBPD

After the attempr on my life, i walked down to her wokolace and wanted to confront her.
You'd swear i was gonna fight Mike Tyson... .

I left it. Then i was dangerously suicidal.


I had fantasies about throwing acid on her face and burning down her uncles farm house.
Then she'd be a saint and id be banged up

Your guilty because you believe you were At fault, but you weren't.

She provked that reaction

You do realise that you could have tried a million alrernate ways but the outcome would be the same.


Why do you feel you are not better off?
Have you sooken with a counsellor?

Sorry for typos - on phone

I see what you are saying I just can't help the way I feel.
I feel I'm not better off because I don't have a life or plans, she was my life and all my plans were with her.
I WAS better off before I met her.
Now I have the sense of loss, when she was "normal" for want of a better word she was the most fantastic person I had ever met. I'm 50 in a few months and can't see a way forward.

Money is running out and I haven't got the motivation to do anything about it, I sold my house that I had in another country which was an investment for the future... .I made a massive loss on it but I did it for us and her empty promises of how everything would be OK when we got married so I needed the money to get married and deposit for our house... .Yes I know I was stupid but she was so convincing when "normal".

[statsattack]

Remember this ratio it's 47.5 your fault 47.5 her fault and 5 for people who got involved who had no right and made things worse.

Whether you did anything wrong or not some how not fixing cracks in the dam led to this issue. You can only control what you can control so focus on improving that 47.5

[In a bad way]

     Remember this ratio it's 47.5 your fault 47.5 her fault and 5 for people who got involved who had no right and made things worse.             

Sorry I can't agree on that but thanks for your input.
I do agree on the people who got involved and had no right to as you will see when I can manage a long post.

[infjEpic]

I see what you are saying I just can't help the way I feel.

Any you shouldn't try to.

I'm just given you an opinion and a perspective.

How you feel is how you feel.

Let yourself feel... .that is how you heal.

[/b]I feel I'm not better off because I don't have a life or plans, she was my life and all my plans were with her.

You have a life. Just not the one you envisaged.

Trust me - I can relate to what you're saying.

I was in a 9yr relationship which ended October'15. My plans and dreams went down the toilet. Plans of Marraige, Plans of Kids. All gone.
My dog - gone.

Sat alone in that house I'd bought for our future. I was so scared of not meeting anyone and so vulnerable, when the BPD entered my life - I thought it was my destiny.
So I made a new life and new plans.
Then that went down the toilet.

And guess what - I'm still here. I'm no longer scared and I'm not vulnerable - because of what I went through, not despite it.

I prefer the person I have become, even though it took a lot pain to get here.

I WAS better off before I met her.

In some respects, so was I.
In other respect, I'm better off now.

I couldn't undo it, so I tried to learn and grow as much as possible from it - once I had endured most of the pain.
When you are in pain - you are just surviving.

Now I have the sense of loss, when she was "normal" for want of a better word she was the most fantastic person I had ever met.

Unfortunately, we all share that sense of loss.
And it never really leaves, it just hurt way less - with time.

I'm 50 in a few months and can't see a way forward.

That's exactly how I felt.
Worse actually - I thought I was so messed up - that I'd never be able to have a relationship.
That's what happens to people in BPD relationships.
Give yourself time, you will shake this.

All I can say is that life is so incredibly strange and unpredictable - you just never know what is around the corner.
And I would never have said that before my BPDex - I found comfort and stability in routine and no surprises.

In the BPD aftermath, you are living day to day. For a while. Overcoming tremendous pain.
You cannot see tomorrow, much less a way forward.

Money is running out and I haven't got the motivation to do anything about it, I sold my house that I had in another country which was an investment for the future... .I made a massive loss on it but I did it for us and her empty promises of how everything would be OK when we got married so I needed the money to get married and deposit for our house... .Yes I know I was stupid but she was so convincing when "normal".

You're not stupid.
You got conned... .just like me. And everybody else in here.
You trusted her. She took advantage. That's not stupid.
In a healthy relationship, we call it trusting. It's usually an admirable quality.

Have you spoken to a counsellor/therapist?

[In a bad way]

     Have you spoken to a counsellor/therapist?              

I waited 3 months for an appointment then yesterday they rang me, they wanted to do an hour telephone consultation which was they read questions and give me multiple choice answers and tick boxes.   LOL
I said not what I had in mind I thought I would get to see someone and sit in a chair and talk, they said they had to do that first.
I couldn't do it it seemed daft.
Made me feel like a number in a book.

[In a bad way]

I actually felt better a few months go but the lead up to and Xmas took it's toll for obvious reasons.
Anyway really sorry but I have to get this off my chest as an example of things.
I spent this new years eve in the pub with a few friends and it was OK but I was sad.
The previous new year me and my ex had tickets to an event with loads of friends but she decided she couldn't be bothered, she says to me we will stay in and to make up for it I've bought a sexy little number and we will have some fun.(I never saw that outfit even over the next five months)

So at 9pm my ex falls asleep, actually into a mini coma which she did 6 nights a week. You just couldn't wake her up no matter what, an explosion wouldn't wake her.
I sat there until 5am until she woke up, she looked at the clock and instant foul mood... .I hadn't woke her and she missed the new year celebrations on the TV.
I told her I tried like I do every night but she wouldn't wake up, so she stormed off to bed.
I had a few hours sleep and then cleaned, washed AND charmed down stairs AND cooked  a huge meal for six people.
My ex didn't get up until around 3.30pm, her mother came round for dinner around 5pm and my ex was in the bath. I was relaxing with a glass of wine after all my hard work.
Her mum was offish with me and later phoned my ex and said she wasn't happy with me because I had a glass of wine at 5pm (new years day)... .I said have you told your mum that I had cleaned washed and charmed and made the meal while you were in bed all day.she said no but she would, she never did, just left me looking the bad man.
She said she wouldn't be coming for Sunday dinner in future (she came every week) because she wasn't happy with me about the glass of wine.
So my ex said don't come then,(this woman is an old hag and man hater... .my ex's words not mine).
For 2 Sundays she didn't come and then on the third my ex said to me her mum was coming and would I mind going home because she didn't want to see me, (my food would be warmed up at night after her mum had gone)

So for the next FIVE months I have to leave on Sunday and come back at 7 after her mother has gone!

Then just over a week before we split up I got a phone call off my ex saying her mum was going to her sisters for dinner so I could come whenever I wanted... .(charming)
The following Sunday I get a call saying come for dinner even though my mum is coming, I said I will if you tell tour mum I'm coming (we hadn't spoke for 5 months) and I don't want any arguments.  She refused to tell her I was coming so I said I'm not walking into a war zone either tll your mum or I'm not coming.
She wouldn't so I didn't.
Best and stupidest bit is my ex then says I've never been banned from Sunday dinner and it was me who refused to go for the last 5 months!  Total joke, I wasn't allowed.
THIS IS HOW THEY CHANGE REALITY.

[ynwa]

Hey inabadway,

I watch football as well, YNWA is my name for a reason.  I read your posts, and never feel like anything is too much or not worth sharing.

Your relationship sounds like a lot peoples around here. Confusing, exhausting and just downright crap at times. I can really relate to the spontaneous mood changes and adult tantrums.  And they get worse. That part is not your fault. Staying because you loved her isn't your fault. 

I know for sure, she hasn't ruined the rest of your life.  She has made it really hard to see it, but you are stronger and more able to handle things.  Truly. You dealt with her and her mother.

It's really hard coming out of the relationship with a BPD, because we have gotten so used to being there for THEM. We become caretakers and reactors.  We may have become codependent in their behavior, and have no idea what to do once they are gone. 

But you do.   You are no different than you were before her, and being 50, is not different than 20.  The way this feels is the same for all of us. 

You will get through this.  Is there anything in particular you need help dealing with?  (I know, it's a vague question). Have you read about codependency and the link I gave you?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

Keep sharing, keep working on you.  Ok?  ynwa

[In a bad way]

Thanks YNWA I'm a UTD fan myself but I'll let you off Lol

I'll reply soon but I just need to give another example.It helps.

She would snap and say it's OK for you because you haven't got a full time job and three f*kin kids.
I used to say stop calling them that they are your children.
She would say that  I didn't get up until 4pm, I would ask her how she worked that out when I got up at 6am with her and took her to work just after 7, drove like a mad man to get back in time to take her kids to school then went back to the house to clean, (nobody cleaned except me) then did my work (I had my own little business a few hours a day which was good) then went to the supermarket and picked her up at 4pm.
Her only reply was "because you f***in didn't you stayed in bed all day... .Total madness on her part.


And in case anyone is wondering I was trying to say vacuuming but we call it something else.
H-O-O-V-E-R-I-N-G but no matter how many times I edited it this site kept changing the word as I spelt it to "charmed"... .Least of my worries.

[In a bad way]

Had a bad night tonight, it should have been good I went to the pub to watch the football and do the quiz... .But I couldn't get involved I stared at the floor most of the time.
I keep trying to write things on here but I forget, I get lost in my world.
I wanted to add a couple of examples of bad treatment for no reason and I will but it's a lot to type.
Sorry just let me try and get my head together and I will try.

[In a bad way]

I said I would continue this thread .

I want to give you just 2 examples of her insane thinking.

We had arranged to go to a firework display and on the day I was ill, she told me it was OK and I didn't have to.
I told her that I had promised her kids I would take them, so we went and we had a good night. When we got back one of her kids was telling me that people call her thick and stupid because she can't do maths.
I spent over half an hour supporting her telling her that it's rubbish and not to listen to those people and not to put herself down.

An hour or so later my ex flips into d**k head mode and says I was the most miserable person ever and people (friends ) were worried about me.
I since asked them and it was BS, they said we had a good night.

Anyway my ex then accused me of hating her kids and not caring about her feelings!
I tried to explain that if that was the case why did I go to the fireworks and spend so long helping her daughter when I didn't feel well.
(I think I've missed a bit)
I got so much grief and abuse that was not needed and wrong, I did everything right, not because I had to but because I'm a nice man and I wanted to, it was the real me.
My ex just had to pick a fight and argue over what wasn't true WHY?
She ruined a great night... .again.

I'll do the other example soon.

[In a bad way]

A few weeks later we were going to a Xmas party at one of her relations, I got the you don't have to come because my ex never came he didn't want to.
I said I want to so we went.I knew 4 people, her 2 kids her mum and sister. My ex introduced  me to one person, the rest of the time I'm stood there like a spare part.
Then she vanished, I found her in an empty room on the couch watching TV.
Then everyone else came in and it was a very good night.
We went home and she accused me of being miserable and not mingling with people.
It was the other way around!
She always turned what she did to me and accused me of it, it was mad and unfair.