Did you blame one parent more than another?

[GirlWithCurl]

I've been following the message boards for years and have gotten much help because of it.  I've healed a lot but I always wondered why I blamed my mother more than my dad.  He was not as frequently abusive like her but he was definitely abusive.  Well, I think I know why now.  He just didn't want to be bothered.  He figured putting a roof over our heads and feeding us was enough.  Maybe it could have been but he needed to step in when she was at her worst and he shouldn't have reinforced the harm to me by joining her from time to time.  Telling a child they are the dumbest of all the children and then getting up from the table in some sort of smug disgust while your nine year old daughter sat there tasting her own tears is abuse.  I remember it well.  It felt like they were feeding off of me and enjoying it.  I remember their superior smiles when abusing me.  It is like it joined them together and they liked that.  I think maybe dad is a narcissist and mother a covert narcissist.  It fits.  Well, I've been trying to do what I believe God would want me to do in terms of honoring thy parents.  It took quite a while for me to understand that meant make sure they have what they need physically.  It does not mean being their sounding board as one talks bad about the other.  Well, I just realized how deeply and horrifically I had been and continue to be parentalized.  Yep.  With all the other wisdom I have gained about these mental illnesses I never saw that until just now.  Most of my life I thought it was my job to make them happy if I could because I ruined their lives by simply being alive.  Payback.  I can think back on depressive episodes of mine and now see why.  Honest to God, I felt such tremendous guilt for ruining their lives by being born.  Now, I am angry at my dad for being a lazy parent.  Anyway, mother is elderly now and may or may not be showing signs of dementia.  I'm not so sure about that.  I think as she has aged she just isn't as good at pretending to be interested in anyone other than herself.  It is showing and the rest of the family is calling it just plain old dementia.  Maybe it is both.  Dad, who usually remains quiet until thoroughly provoked by her, has taken to calling and emailing me and my sister and saying how mean mother is being to him and he just needs a little peace and quiet and how he isn't sure he can hang on and how awful all this is and he thinks he is having a heart attack, etc.  I was sympathetic and reminded him that I grew up with it so I understood what he was going through.  He glossed over my childhood abuse.  He knew exactly which child was mostly like to come to his aid but do you know how hard it is to have a dad email or call sobbing?  It triggered the rescuer in me regardless of what I have learned here. I figured he was getting old and maybe he has softened up a little and is sorry for the past and his role in it.  See how fast I already forgot that he glossed over my own abuse? Anyway, he has sounded much softer and kinder these last couple of years so I told myself I think he is really trying to repent.  I can forgive if they repent.  Anyway, he fairly well begged me and my sister to call mother more often because it seems to distract her and that helps.  Girl to the rescue!  I received so much praise and love from him because I stepped in.  I want you to know that I almost sold my business and my home to move back to a town I hate so I could help my elderly parents out. Heck.  They didn't even ask me to do that.  Don't worry.  I am not moving.  Not a chance.  When I mentioned maybe that I might move back Dad seemed delighted.  When mother went back home from hiding out at my sister's house for two days and found out that I might come back she had a fit.  I think she had a fit.  I wasn't there but dad wasted no time in emailing me saying "This is the hardest email I have ever had to write... .but it probably isn't a good idea for you to come home."  I know it was because my mother knows I know what she is and she doesn't like the image she sees in the mirror when she looks at me.  Plus, she doesn't get the sympathy from me that years ago she might have.  I am of no use to her.  Now, things have quieted down at their home again and I have not heard from either in three days when we have always talked daily.  I now see that is best for me.   Mother is nearing the end of her life and is furious that nature has control and not her.  She is furious deep down inside I suspect at her rotten childhood which it was.  She is taking it out on dad because no one else is really around.  She would take it out on me if I was there.  You can bet your bottom dollar on that and dad would be okay with it as long as it isn't him.  You know?  I kind of get that.  It is awful to be on the receiving end of her constant wrath and nagging but  he is an adult.  I was a child.  I am sure he is at his wit's end but asking the kids to step in and entertain her in order to get her off his back is especially wrong since he not only didn't do the same for his forming children but joined in when he felt like it.  He shirked his responsibilities to his kid's emotional health and is willing to do so now for nothing more than his own benefit. 

Well, I feel better.  I don't think I will ever be depressed again simply because by existing I robbed them of happiness.  I look at him differently suddenly.  He didn't really care.  Hey!  I think that is why I have always picked emotionally unavailable and/or abusive men and then worked to change them.  There is a place in the Bible and maybe someone here knows of it where it says something like when you know someone that is sinning it is your duty to point it out to them.  He says something like do it once, then twice, then no more because it should be turned over to God at that point.  I think it implied that continuing to try to "help" we are actually interfering.  I feel a little better now letting go and letting God.

I rambled.  I know I did but I would surely like to hear if you can relate.  I'm probably going to post a lot because I feel the need to spit out some anger that should have been directed at my dad.

 

[Mutt]

Hi GirlWithCurl, 



I'd like welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm glad that you had the courage to join us after lurking the boards. I'm sorry that you went through that as child, nobody should have to go through emotional incest

I don't have a parent with BPD, my dad does display traits of an anxiety disorder and ADHD, I'm sure that someone else will share with a similar experience as yours. My ex wife displays traits of BPD and I didn't want the kids to have to go through the emotional abuse with dad not being present. I can understand some of the anger that you have towards your dad for not sticking up for you with your mom.

I'm probably going to post a lot because I feel the need to spit out some anger that should have been directed at my dad.

That is why we're here, this is a platform where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated or judged. It helps to validate that anger, many of us can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. The best combo is going to a T ( Therapist ) concurrently with a support group, do you have a T? I'm looking forward to heard more of your story. You're not alone

Lessons for Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse

[Fie]

I can relate.
My parents oftentimes were not nice to me, too. My mum is BPD, my dad enabled massively and sometimes I wonder if he has narcissist traits.
It took me a BPD relationship to have a wake up call on the dysfunction of my FOO. Once I realized (and remembered) that my FOO was not normal, I started to feel angry with my mum, and after that also with my enabling dad. I recall I sometimes was quite furious. I never did something destructive with my anger, I didn't act it out, but boy I sometimes felt overwhelmed by it.

Now I'm not angry anymore. I have come to accept and understand the reasons why my parents did what they did. I do not approve though, and sometimes also the old anger kicks in, but never for a long time. Short flashes  :-)

Personally I think it's ok to feel anger, and also it's just natural. It's one of the stages of grieving that we have to go through. You and I are no different from others, so it counts for us as well. We cannot escape it or decide to skip that stage.

I am happy that you realize that you are angry. I think realizing it is a very healthy sign.

I'm probably going to post a lot because I feel the need to spit out some anger that should have been directed at my dad.

Please do so. I will be here to listen.

[Harri]

Hi GirlWithCurl and welcome.  I'm glad you made the choice to start posting.  The support and input from others on this board are invaluable and just the act of posting can be very healing.

I can't say that I blamed one parent more than the other, but I can say that I was much more aware of my uBPDs mother's behaviors at first.  It took a bit more time for me to break through the numbness / fogginess that surrounded my father.  It was much harder to identify the depth of his abuse and betryal as the 'Non' parent or supposedly healthier parent.  I am currently at the point now where I can feel more compassion for my mother than I do for my father.  I am not sure if those feelings will evolve or not as I heal more, but I do know that I still have a lot of anger (rage?) towards my father.  He used me as a shield.  I never really saw him as a victim of my mother like a few talk about here. 

Like you, after my father was left alone to deal with my mother, he used to call me looking for me to intervene and support him.  He also wanted someone to listen.  Unlike you, I did not do anything to support him and never really considered it.  I told him straight out that he had left me to deal with my mother alone and sat back and watched (and occassionally participated) in her overt abuse.  I told him he made his bed and he gets to deal with it.

I know he was hurt very badly by my words.  Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder what happened to my compassion bucket and regret saying what I did.  For the most part though, I am okay with the way things happened.  In many ways, saying no was freeing and healing for me regardless of what my father did, or did not, do with my words to him.

Anyway, enough of me letting you know I can relate.  Keep posting.  Keep digging.  It sounds like you gain insight through writing as you had a couple of important insights while writing your post so keep it up.  Write as much as you can.  Having a Non parent who stands by and does nothing is a complicated mess of emotions to deal with.  It was not your job as a child to fix them or support them and it is not your job now that you are an adult.

Your parents were supposed to cherish, protect, support, love and guide you.  Not the other way around.

Be well.

[GirlWithCurl]

Mutt?  Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.  It gives me comfort knowing that there are men out there that didn’t want the kids to have to go through the emotional abuse with dad not being present.  We all know there are times in a parent’s life when maybe they say something that causes harm.  Maybe they didn’t know better at the time or just lost their patience for a bit. That will happen but I know everyone here knows that is not what I am talking about.  I’m glad you not only knew to make the distinction but acted upon it to keep the kids safe.

As for the anger, oddly enough I feel it but this feeling of freedom that is seeping in kind of quickly around my edges is often over-riding it.  Yippee, for me.  That said, I intend to spend some time with my anger when I feel it.  I intend to examine it as honestly as I can.  I wonder how it will be different from the intense anger I felt towards my mother.  I remember reading a line in a book somewhere.  It read “anger has a flavor”.  I didn’t understand that at the time.  I do now. 

Fie?  I think I am finding some good ways to take care of my anger.  I’ve learned a few self soothing tactics.  But, I am quite glad that a few months ago, in some moment of strange clarity, I told my dad that I thought mother had her fingers far up his snout and was leading him about.  He said I assure you that is not the case.  Maybe he doesn’t know what the word assure means.  Know what is so strange to me?  I start to think about this situation and I get so mad sometimes I want to shout at the one who hurt me.  So, I think what I would say if I could or would and somewhere along the way I get bored with it and think oh who the heck cares anymore.  That is probably a good sign, too.  I mean becoming bored with my own anger.  Know what I mean? 

Harri?  Wow.  Just wow.  Every word you wrote.  Thank you.  After this last fight my mother and dad had with each other and really upsetting us all I don’t think I will feel bad for not being there the old unhealthy way.  Next time dad calls and says mom is so angry he fears for his safety I am going to suggest that he call the police or I will offer to do it for him.  Next time I talk to mother and she starts telling me how my 85 year old father never does anything around the house except all the grocery shopping, car maintenance, bill paying, health care planning, and lawn work I am going to tell her once again that talking behind his back is gossip and that is sinful and harmful.  Last time I told her that she said “Fine.  I don’t have anything else to talk about.” and she went no contact with me for a couple of months.  She probably thinks she is punishing me but I feel like the dog that got out of the yard and usually do my best healing when she isn’t around.