Was anyone able to become friends with your ex in the end? What was your secret?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Rayban-

I agree about the 'just friends"comment... .it's not possible for pwBPD to just be friends with ex-lovers. This should be a red flag to the non--they are still sexually and/emotionally involved with this "friend." And my feeling is that those friends have come to recognize the  sexual impulsivity/craziness of their exes and just use them and manipulate them for sex. I'm sure the exes were cheated on as well, but they crave the kinky full out sex... .so they continue the cycle. They totally objectify the pwBPD and sexually punish and victimize them for being worthless sex whores... it's really sick to witness esp when you are in love with your borderline.

My exBPDgf had a BFF ex who she dated for about 2 years and has been her BFF for 3. She moved to my town because of him. According to my ex they just became friends because she kept screwing around on him... .go figure. But he was there for her when she attempted suicide in college... .so she behaves like she somehow owes him... .and she had told me that when she stops screwing around on him eventually (which is impossible since she has no desire to get into therapy) that he is the guy that she will marry one day. She would visit him weekly to have dinner with him and his roommates... .

He got layed off from his job as an engineer and planned on moving back to his hometown... .which was across the country. I was glad because he really manipulated her mercilessly to the point that she was spending most nights with him while drinking heavily... .of course she told me that she slept on the couch out of respect for our relationship... .this went on for about 2 weeks as he kept moving his leave date back... .she was an emotional mess... .and my question to her was, if this guy knows you so well and is well-versed in BPD, why is he screwing with your emotions?

After me rescuing her, again, she two weeks later left me to go on a ski trip with this same guy... .

So it's impossible to remain friends... .unless you are codependent and enjoy being in a manipulative relationship

[AustenJ]

Rayban-

I agree about the 'just friends"comment... .it's not possible for pwBPD to just be friends with ex-lovers. This should be a red flag to the non--they are still sexually and/emotionally involved with this "friend." And my feeling is that those friends have come to recognize the  sexual impulsivity/craziness of their exes and just use them and manipulate them for sex. I'm sure the exes were cheated on as well, but they crave the kinky full out sex... .so they continue the cycle. They totally objectify the pwBPD and sexually punish and victimize them for being worthless sex whores... it's really sick to witness esp when you are in love with your borderline.

My exBPDgf had a BFF ex who she dated for about 2 years and has been her BFF for 3. She moved to my town because of him. According to my ex they just became friends because she kept screwing around on him... .go figure. But he was there for her when she attempted suicide in college... .so she behaves like she somehow owes him... .and she had told me that when she stops screwing around on him eventually (which is impossible since she has no desire to get into therapy) that he is the guy that she will marry one day. She would visit him weekly to have dinner with him and his roommates... .

He got layed off from his job as an engineer and planned on moving back to his hometown... .which was across the country. I was glad because he really manipulated her mercilessly to the point that she was spending most nights with him while drinking heavily... .of course she told me that she slept on the couch out of respect for our relationship... .this went on for about 2 weeks as he kept moving his leave date back... .she was an emotional mess... .and my question to her was, if this guy knows you so well and is well-versed in BPD, why is he screwing with your emotions?

After me rescuing her, again, she two weeks later left me to go on a ski trip with this same guy... .

So it's impossible to remain friends... .unless you are codependent and enjoy being in a manipulative relationship

[pgri8684]

6) As much as I love him I don't really like him (or his social circle) so if it wasn't for the aching heart and the loss of the dream there really isn't much to lose.

Well said, thank you... .

[once removed]

bearing in mind this thread is about becoming friends with your ex in the end:

im friends on some level with all of my exes except for my uBPDex. not great or close friends, but friends to the point that my life is enriched as a result. i do not desire more or less.

truth be told, i can say a lot of the things about my exes that i would about my uBPDex. i was dumped, hurt, had feelings of injustice, etc. friendship on any level probably wouldnt be possible without coming to terms and working through those feelings, and i think that is true in most cases. this isnt about BPD. i would be fully capable of being friends/friendly with my uBPDex but there are a few reasons that i choose not to be.

whats the secret? like any friendship, its about balance, expectations, and boundaries. i wouldnt go to any of my exes as say, a shoulder to cry on, but i have close friends i wouldnt do that with either. if any of them were to idealize/devalue/discard me, they are free to, without it affecting me. if they ask something of me i am not prepared to give, i will tell them no.

if you are going to be friends, treat it as a new relationship and stay away from the drama/dysfunction you engaged in before.