Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:14:34 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My girlfriend rage outburst during phone calling  (Read 355 times)
VernonR

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: February 02, 2017, 04:24:25 AM »

Dear BPD Family members!

Last days I faced the hardest challenge in my relationship. My GF called me few days ago (Friday, 27th January) and after declarations of love and longing she dramatically changed herself. The reason could be the temporary lack of money because of loss of social scholarship. She told me, that she can't meet with me (I came back to my home due to my mother's returning from working abroad; now we are at the distance from each other about 400 kilometers until March) because she hasn't money. I replied that there is no problem for me to borrow her some money. And my word - "borrow" was the trigger... .My intention was obviously to help her. I didn't even think something bad.

It superficially looks like that she only offended. But when I came back to my home she was blackmailing me at Messenger with words "Goodbye"... .And as usual - "it was your fault!... .". I asked for her health due to very low blood pressure, but she blamed me instead. It wasn't for the first time. Last moths I often felt hopeless and lonely. She makes me emotionally exhausted.

But this time it was enough. I have chosen the strategy of distance and calm, instead of apologizing for the fact that I did not do anything wrong. She occasionally writes to me, I answered with calm and health distance. Because again - it would be my fault in her eyes. My GF has BPD symptoms as her father and siblings. It is a long story, but now I realize sad truth about her and that family. My friends and other people told me that I am "just a nice guy", and she looks like be not okay for me.

I need go to my work so I will end this message. Apologies for poor language - I am not native speaker. I came from Poland.

I hope that I am not alone. Randi Kregger book "Stop walking on eggshells" brings me here.

Regards
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

heartandwhole
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2017, 06:18:11 AM »

Hi VernonR,

I'm sorry to hear about this latest challenge in your relationship. Raging and threats from a loved one is so upsetting. I commend you for reaching out for support and remaining calm.

You are definitely not alone. So many members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. And you'll find lots of tools and resources here that can help make things better in your relationship. I encourage you to look around and explore the articles and lessons on the site.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

So, what is the status of your relationship at the moment? Are you taking a break to cool things off?

Keep writing. We're here to support you.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

heartandwhole
Logged


When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
VernonR

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2017, 04:57:31 PM »

Dear heartandwhole,

Thank you for your reply Smiling (click to insert in post) Tomorrow it will be a whole week after argue. She didn't call me, and I also didn't. Only texting (very few), like with a buddy, not a partner. The most important thing is that this time I don't take a victim role. I try to stand firmly on the ground and do not blame myself. Also, rather than rage i have compassion with her broken emotional life  It is very sad. But I know, that I can't do anything with it - it's her own business.

I focused on my passions, friends and my mom Smiling (click to insert in post) I think it's healthy. As you mentioned, I made "a break" and not force her to any kind of interaction, also due to risk of regarding bad behaviour. But when I text with her I try to be distanced and pleasant. There is only way I think - to wait and to be patient.

Thank you very much!
VernonR
Logged
VernonR

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2017, 09:02:55 AM »

News from battlefield Smiling (click to insert in post)

I was after few phone callings with her. I feel angry and weak. We are after one week of break with any kind of contact from me - only she was texting and I answered but that's all. I decided to set this kind of boundary due to her behavior. It was enough for me.

Yesterday she decided to call me. During the phone call I explained her why I was angry at her. First - she tried to deny everything. I quoted her words. She says "I was only joking!". Then she blamed me: "You behaved just like my ex-boyfriend! He also did not speak to me for weeks! Well you know what they were boyfriend for me was!". There also was full list of my sins, slander my mother about things she did not do. And also "I don't trust you and I don't believe you!". I gently ended this calling, it looks like never-ending cycle. Also, I stated that the reason of our problems could be her emotional instability.

Then she wanted to speak second time. She was calm and pleasant. Instead of blaming she tried to apologize and explain. It was long and exhausting calling.

Today we talked third time. The current state is to take a break "like a dudes" and wait until end of February to make definite decision about us.

I think she provoked me to take offense, then blamed me and compare to ex-boyfriend. In opinion of my friends my reaction was appropriate. I tried to present situation as objectively as I can. Also, during callings I established that she cannot trust anyone and told it to her. She replied that I am right, but "maybe if someone make things that I want I can trust then". I don't believe and don't trust her.

I am afraid that she is immature or even toxic girl. I'd like to make my emotional life better. My plan is to set boundaries and prepare to definite break-up. I am looking for advice from my friends.

Now I am thinking that second chance is not possible - there is a lot bad behaviors and it looks like I just can't stand anymore.

Do you have similar experience?

Thank you, BPD Family Smiling (click to insert in post) You give me a hope in these black days Smiling (click to insert in post)

VernonR
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2017, 09:38:40 AM »

it looks like never-ending cycle

Well, yes, it will be a never ending cycle unless you break it. She isn't going to do it, so you'll have to.

Breaking the cycle does not mean that you have to end the relationship if you decide that you want to keep trying. It simply means that you have to change your behaviors, and it sounds like you've already started doing that.

The really good news is that the very same things that you need to do for yourself are the very things that will give you and your relationship the best chance at success if you decide to continue.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!