Who does the borderline think is doing the abandoning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have a friend/co-worker who I suspect has BPD and has painted me black and refusing to talk to me despite telling me that she had "problems" but I had nothing to do with it.  I'm really not sure what to believe at the moment but things are awkward at work to say the least but I can see she seems to be acting normally to other people.  I may post separately the whole saga and why I think she has BPD.

My question is if the borderline does the abandoning, do they somehow think as part of their irrational thought process that it is the other person doing the abandoning?

[tigertwin]

I have a friend/co-worker who I suspect has BPD and has painted me black and refusing to talk to me despite telling me that she had "problems" but I had nothing to do with it.  I'm really not sure what to believe at the moment but things are awkward at work to say the least but I can see she seems to be acting normally to other people.  I may post separately the whole saga and why I think she has BPD.

My question is if the borderline does the abandoning, do they somehow think as part of their irrational thought process that it is the other person doing the abandoning?

[ynwa]

Hello tigertwin,  It seems you care about this friend and the situation is causing you concern?  It would be great if you could share the details, just to give some persepective.  But as to your question about abandonment. Someone with even just traits of BPD, emotions run high, and out of control often. But they handle them internally, so we don't see much if the inner turmoil.  They as a result don't handle logical interactions and situations as rationally as some people. What they see as an insult or judgement could "feel" like the worst possible outcome while we thought we were having a playful joke. Being left out of an important decision or their own perceived failure can make them FEEL abandoned, so they pull away first.

One thing to keep in mind, is that often their reactions and comments have nothing to do with you, which sounds strange. They are perceiving or feeling things in a different and clumsy way.  How they deal with it outwardly is just as clumsy.mit is often unwarranted, such as painting younblack without much explanation or reasons.  Makes you feel so confused and wondering what the heck just happnened right?

This board is geared more towards family and romantic relationships and BPD. But I've give you a link to read a little bit an might help in talking to your friend.  Let us know what you think ok?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[infjEpic]

My question is if the borderline does the abandoning, do they somehow think as part of their irrational thought process that it is the other person doing the abandoning?

With BPD, generally the most selfish explanation is usually the correct one.

So typically, yes, it always comes back to the Non doing the abandoning.

[Soulcrushed4]

With my dBPDex he would state I was "quitting" or "running" or " not wanting to heal" or not "trying to trust him" if I attempted to end things after each new lie or affair or betrayal.
So I take from that it was him feeling I was the one doing the abandoning not that he had already checked output abandoned me in a sense with his affairs and behaviours.

[steelwork]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you that my ex--after taking up with someone else and then lying about it and then admitting it and then lashing out at me and then blocking me everywhere and freezing me out for a month--decided he'd talk to me on the phone. His words: "I have abandonment issues." Never spoke to me again.

[Aesir]

In my experience my ex would usually blame me no matter what. I left myself but from her point of view I just skipped out of couldn't handle the truth. It's was never her behavior.

[tigertwin]

Hello tigertwin,  It seems you care about this friend and the situation is causing you concern?  It would be great if you could share the details, just to give some persepective. 

Hi ynwa, thanks for the reply.  I do intend to provide more details.  Just trying to decide how I tell my story... .

[woundedPhoenix]

pwBPD and i split after months of intense devaluation and tension. It was in hindsight pretty clear she was setting up our split months before that, and then promotly pushed me out of our house. It was her agenda totally, i had no decision in it at any time.

Yet she communicated to everyone that we decided it "together", and she maintained to me that we really took that decision together.

I think it was just her fear of me abandonning her that she took as reality, but then again, fear of engulfment was also playing at the same time, i think that was the stronger factor really.

[Hisaccount]

Same here, mine took off and filed for divorce said I was the one that abandoned her.