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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I dream of a life without him.  (Read 457 times)
Dontknow88
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: February 02, 2017, 01:35:01 PM »

I've chosen to ignore him when  he's "out of it" sadly that's all the time.
He's only there financially and that's "great"  but I bream of a life without him. I sadly hope my friend are right when they say "he won't stick around, he will get bored and leave" I am tired of the pointless drama and want it to go elsewhere.


No we aren't togeather.
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SES
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« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2017, 03:45:10 PM »

It sounds like a tough time.

I too have a fantasy that she will leave me alone.  Unfortunately, I know that my ex spouse will be part of my life forever.  Only as the years go by, she will become less and less a part of my life. I hate the waiting for the next drama, false allegations and abuse.

Detachment, limited contact, and not engaging have helped me enormously... .along with recording everything, and having a new mobile number for friends and family (keeping the old number and phone exclusively for her). 
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2017, 08:36:33 PM »

It sounds like a tough time.

I too have a fantasy that she will leave me alone.  Unfortunately, I know that my ex spouse will be part of my life forever.  Only as the years go by, she will become less and less a part of my life. I hate the waiting for the next drama, false allegations and abuse.

Detachment, limited contact, and not engaging have helped me enormously... .along with recording everything, and having a new mobile number for friends and family (keeping the old number and phone exclusively for her). 

I really like the phone idea!
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SES
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« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2017, 12:26:13 PM »

She went through a phase of sending up to 100 texts a day, of the threatening kind.  I got a new phone and new number ... .and put the old number (her phone) on the cheapest monthly contract I could find.  It means that I can choose when to look at messages from her. 
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2017, 10:30:47 PM »

She went through a phase of sending up to 100 texts a day, of the threatening kind.  I got a new phone and new number ... .and put the old number (her phone) on the cheapest monthly contract I could find.  It means that I can choose when to look at messages from her. 

I may have to do that, what's your custody arrangement like?
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SES
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2017, 01:05:23 AM »

50:50. When kids aren't with me I look at the texts quickly to make sure there isn't information about kids I need to know.  When they are with me I look at them when I'm ready. I try not to engage in text debates with her, as it is easy for her texts to escalate.  I don't ever speak to her, and request communication is by text or email. 
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2017, 10:25:41 AM »

50:50. When kids aren't with me I look at the texts quickly to make sure there isn't information about kids I need to know.  When they are with me I look at them when I'm ready. I try not to engage in text debates with her, as it is easy for her texts to escalate.  I don't ever speak to her, and request communication is by text or email. 

Yes I've requested to only communicate by text only. I'm looking for full custody. I guess your ex is more stable
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SES
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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2017, 12:39:09 PM »

 She seems quite unstable.  But I think 50:50 bucks the trend here in the UK.
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2017, 01:59:36 PM »

She seems quite unstable.  But I think 50:50 bucks the trend here in the UK.

If you can change that I say go for it.   Your kids can pick up their trend.

For my ex my voice fair of him getting parent time is that it will turn into a murder suicide situation and if not I son will pick up his treats
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Soulcrushed4
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« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2017, 12:48:25 AM »

I too am looking forward to a day when a least a baseline court order pertaining to our child is in place.
I am trying not to get too overwhelmed with the fact that he will be a part of my life on some level for the rest of forever due to our child.

So many unknowns.

For now I see him in court maybe once a month, perhaps more if his criminal charges go to trial. His last stint in jail for breaching the protection order where he had to pay a deposit for bail rather than relying on his latest supply source that's "known" him 4 months vouching for him as surety seems to have quelled the storm of his lies about loving me. Finally some calm.

I too am sick at the thought of what will happen when/if he is ever granted unsupervised visits with our child as since his diagnosis in May things have gone downhill not up. And I didn't even think it was possible to go down from his two eeek suicide threat/attempts countdown.
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SES
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2017, 03:59:42 PM »

Soulcrushed4 -That sounds truly awful.  I am sorry you have been through such things.

If I think about it, it is a grim thought that I am forever connected to someone who means to do me as much harm as possible, without a care for our children.  It seems weird that she was such a large part of my life, but that she could do the things she has done.
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2017, 07:34:25 PM »

I too am looking forward to a day when a least a baseline court order pertaining to our child is in place.
I am trying not to get too overwhelmed with the fact that he will be a part of my life on some level for the rest of forever due to our child.

So many unknowns.

For now I see him in court maybe once a month, perhaps more if his criminal charges go to trial. His last stint in jail for breaching the protection order where he had to pay a deposit for bail rather than relying on his latest supply source that's "known" him 4 months vouching for him as surety seems to have quelled the storm of his lies about loving me. Finally some calm.

I too am sick at the thought of what will happen when/if he is ever granted unsupervised visits with our child as since his diagnosis in May things have gone downhill not up. And I didn't even think it was possible to go down from his two eeek suicide threat/attempts countdown.

We are in Similar boats and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this too. If you ever want to talk you can shoot me a private message. Till then positive thoughts your way
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Turkish
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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2017, 11:02:05 PM »

If you can change that I say go for it.   Your kids can pick up their trend.

For my ex my voice fair of him getting parent time is that it will turn into a murder suicide situation and if not I son will pick up his treats

Is this a valid fear? If so,  why?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Dontknow88
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« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2017, 10:27:29 AM »

Is this a valid fear? If so,  why?


Hello. Yes it is.

 On five different occasions he has told me bluntly that he regrets our planned child's existence. He's suicidal himself and often self harms. He cannot handle stress not even a little bit he will totally flake out. For example he was babysitting his mother's dog (I was there when he was babysitting) and he slap that dog like crazy I had to intervene to stop him and you won't even believe the reason why even though there's never a good reason to hit a dog that is an extremely violent. It's because he was most likely crying because his owner (mother) wasn't there, she just left and a little puppy started to cry it wasn't even three minutes till he lost it.  Besides working paying his bills and washing his clothes when he has the time he cannot handle anything else. He has no children and his family so he doesn't know how to take care of a child or is even interested on reading up on parenting books. Before I stop talking to his family members they would tell me that they would call him to check up on him they will talk about anything and he is completely into the conversation but as soon as they bring up our son they said he had a kind of a jealous vibe he would get mad and hang up the phone on them.

 Around the time that I gave birth and I was home with a newborn he threatened us he completely lost it he didn't use any words but he kept on making his fist exaggerate visible. And then he said I don't want to know what's going on in his head because I will call the cops. (luckily I had a hint that something was going to go on because he's been off for a very long time so when he comes around I purposely hide all the sharp objects in the kitchen coincidentally he was in the kitchen rummaging everything then I asked for him to leave.

He told me that he hears voices in his head that tells him to do really sinister things. He draws sinister things.


I've read some stories online with women and men that had the same or similar stories as me and that they are great pathological liars and somehow one in court to keep the agreement the way it is or 50-50. And as soon as they get the child alone it turns into a murder suicide situation. That is my biggest fear cause sadly I can say the potential for that is far too high and I'm terrified.

 He has told me on many occasions that he doesn't know how long he's going to love our child

I want him to be in our sons life but I'm only comfortable with supervised visitation giving everything that has happened. And his family are all enabler's or extremely afraid of him or a mixture of both.


Maybe this part isn't related to it but I remember just before he broke up with me he told me about "a great way" we can do a suicide pact, I was six months pregnant at the time.


The sad part of all these people that don't know him personally like acquaintances and new coworkers they all think that he is a perfect guy that deserves for custody. (he's even ask me if this goes to court he begged me not to mention his mental issues just in case his coworkers and whatever decides to come and support him) that's not a stable person that should have a child alone

There's a certain legal act that when you apply for a job you don't have to state your mental disabilities so he's afraid of that if it goes to court. He is only thinking about himself and I'm not shocked about that.


 I am sorry for the chapter
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