I'm conflicted

[endersgame]

Within this past week I made the decision to separate from my wife who has BPD. We have been married for 22 years and our relationship and home have been an emotional and sometimes physically abusive place that entire time. Our two children have been effected from this as well. It's unfortunate that I have waited this long to separate from her with all that has happened over the years, but it's only been within the past 7 years that we had a diagnosis and I thought therapy and medicine would help. I'm conflicted in wanting to save our marriage and also wanting to be free from the emotional stress. Right now my son (22) and I have moved out of our home into an apartment. My daughter (16) is still at home with her mom who has been showing improvement over the past couple of months after some medicines where changed.

What's happening now is that my wife feels rejected and abandoned and also a failure for our relationship getting to this point. I want to be able to stay at the apartment and just visit and date again to rebuild our relationship, but she only wants to hear that I am coming home permanently. I do not feel comfortable with that but would like to return home if we can get our relationship working again. I am really lost in how to communicate what I want, I am not sure I even know what I really want other than I want all the misery to end.  My wife has never handled any of the financial issues and when I try and discuss how we will live separated the discussion always leads back to are you not moving back soon. I honestly have no idea when it would be ok to move back but she wants an absolute answer. I have a plan for trying to make this work but every conversation ends in her being hurt and me being frustrated and hurt and angry. I just not sure how to proceed with this separation. I am thinking I should tell her I can not come home and that I would like to meet with a marriage councilor once a week. I wish I could come visit and that we could go out on dates just to create some positive moments for our relationship.

Hope this makes some sense

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi endersgame,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time.

Hope this makes some sense

It makes sense, I think that there's a lot of ambiguity with separation, it's not easy to make choices because of how they impact you and others, you have to make careful choices.

That being said, have there been improvements with your w in the last 7 years with therapy? I think that asking to see a marriage counselor is not a bad idea.

Are you worried about her reaction if you ask for counseling?

[endersgame]

Update:

After some emotional issues this weekend my daughter could not stay at the home with my wife. The result of everyone leaving pushed her to attempt suicide. She had told me that she was going to when I left with our daughters stuff for apartment. After I got daughter settled in, I decided to go check on my wife. When I got home she was a sleep in bed and very sedated. She told me what she had done with some pills and agreed to go to hospital.  She is now in the mental health part of the hospital for the next few days. After talking with the social worker on her case I have decided to tell her tonight that we will not be able to live together until she works through her mental health issues. This is not going to be easy on any of us and I hope she chooses to take advantage of the opportunity that I am providing to get the help she needs. I fear that this is not going to end well for her though. I really hate that our family is so broken because of this mental condition.  I am fairly certain her dad had it as well, all of her siblings have lots of emotional issues. Her older sister died from an overdose just a few years ago. It's all extremely sad. I know that if she can get some emotional independence through this that our relationship can be restored.

I realize now that her goal is to only get me back. She's not focusing on how everyone needs a break from all the emotional drama that is wrapped up in our relationship. I only wish I would have done this sooner for everyone's sake to have spared us all the emotional damage that has been done.  I can not believe I allowed myself and my kids to live in this environment for so long.