I don't think I can do it again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For such a long time I loved and was loyal to one person. I was repaid by being vilified and abused. The wounds are still very fresh but... .The thought of starting over again with someone else is just daunting. My screwed up self esteem and the fear of revisiting my ex's issues frighten me. I just don't want to deal with any mess. I have  never been a really out going person so I think that this part of my life is over.

I... .lost.

[Aesir]

For such a long time I loved and was loyal to one person. I was repaid by being vilified and abused. The wounds are still very fresh but... .The thought of starting over again with someone else is just daunting. My screwed up self esteem and the fear of revisiting my ex's issues frighten me. I just don't want to deal with any mess. I have  never been a really out going person so I think that this part of my life is over.

I... .lost.

[Soulcrushed4]

Could it be perhaps that you just aren't ready yet?

I was pretty down on myself and in a really low place for a while.
I am not very outgoing either.

Strangely enough I have found as I have focused massively on self care and compassion for myself and just allowing my authentic emotions things seem to be shifting.

I have even been asked on a few dates of late. I've also established quite a few new interesting and unexpected friendships. It's almost like remembering myself and who I am by introducing myself to new people.

What do you enjoy doing? 

I find I am much more aware of red flags... .heck even yellow flags now and I will be applying a lot of what I have learned from this experience to make much different choices in the future.

[Aesir]

Could it be perhaps that you just aren't ready yet?

I was pretty down on myself and in a really low place for a while.
I am not very outgoing either.

Strangely enough I have found as I have focused massively on self care and compassion for myself and just allowing my authentic emotions things seem to be shifting.

I have even been asked on a few dates of late. I've also established quite a few new interesting and unexpected friendships. It's almost like remembering myself and who I am by introducing myself to new people.

What do you enjoy doing?  

I find I am much more aware of red flags... .heck even yellow flags now and I will be applying a lot of what I have learned from this experience to make much different choices in the future.

What do I enjoying doing? I'm a book worm and sci fi fan. I have a deep interest in history also. I  love working out too.  I think I have to reconnect to the person I used to be or remember who I am. I live in a small town so there is not that much to do.

[ynwa]

Hey Aesir,

I know you feel weighted down and feel like love is crap.  Right?  But going through what you have and still are, coming out the other side is going to be someone better. Cautious maybe, but aware of your needs and wants.

You work out. Maybe at one point you couldn't get that third rep, or even finish one rep when you added weight. But in time you did.  This is hard. No bones about it.  It's on us entirely to stand up and move through the feelings and distractions of our own self doubt.

If you take the emotion out of your first post. Apply a positive light to it.  You are not willing to to accept less than what you want and need, not just in a relationship but in life. You will know when you are ready.  I too wonder just how my next relationship or even dating will be.

it's easy to be hard on ourselves after seeing something we went through "fail".  perhaps you are being just a little too hard on yourself. You share here, and that means you do have a voice, I've read your posts and you make yourself heard and understood.  So that little bit about "not being outgoing".  It's kinda in your head right?  You go out in the world everyday, work, the store, with friends, family, and people hear and see you.  I see you.  I hear you. 

It's going to take time, you won't just "bounce back". But little by little, things will fall into place.  The hard memories will become softer, and you will find out it's easier than you thought.

[lovenature]

Hi Aiser, I can relate to how you feel as I spent most of my life as an introvert, putting others ahead of myself. I don't feel ready to have another relationship either, but we need to give ourselves the time required to heal, and remember that we never could have imagined a BPD relationship and it's effects on us if we didn't live it. I try to live one day at a time now and be open to whatever happens; if an opportunity arises for a potential relationship I will evaluate things at that time.

Keep going one day at a time my friend!

[Aesir]

Thanks to all of you.

[supernurse]

I feel the very same way.  I have been married to my stbxBPDh for over 22 years.  While it seems to be no issue for him to move on (several different times with several different people, actually), to me, it feels impossible.  I take the commitment and vows I made very seriously.  Also, since I met him at 18, he's the only person I've ever been with.  I didn't even date anyone else before him.  The thought of moving on with someone else seems wrong.  I think those are the reasons I have held on for so long with him while people kept urging me to leave.  My husband also tells me to just go find someone else.  It's just not that simple for me.     

[Duped 1]

I sometimes feel the same but I think it will change in time.

[infjEpic]

I just don't want to deal with any mess. I have  never been a really out going person so I think that this part of my life is over.

Many, if not the majority of people who seem to get involved with BPDs would rank high on the introvert scale (including me).
Many, many of those people had healthy relationships prior to their BPDex and have gone on to have healthy relationships after it (including me).

So I would actually agree with you that there is a very high probability that, 'that part of your life is over'.
Just not in the way you are suggesting.

Allow yourself time to heal. Take time for you.
When you'll be ready, you'll be ready.
Don't worry about that now.
Later, it will be clearer... .but these painful feelings are going to actually help you to find a much healthier relationship in the future.

Right now - focus on feeling & healing. Recovery is a struggle and it takes time - but you will make it.