I've become do negative

[Jester20]

Finding this place was wonderful.
But I've allowed my husbands BPD to effect me so much that I am depressed and negative. All I want to do is feel angry and let that be known. I'm trying my best to read some of the tools and I have this new book and I will be going to a support group in 3 days for families of pwBPD but I just don't know where to start helping myself to not feel like this. All I want to do is say when I read posts on here is say " why do we stay with these people" why do we let them treat us like this" isn't there something better out there that will be less than half the heartache of this"

I imagine the answer will be " because we love them?"
I don't know if I actually love my husband anymore.

And I know the point of this board is to find support and help and it mainly focuses on us non BPD learning to 'live' with it and setting healthy boundaries and learning new tools to deal with it and not to be negative with people in this wonderful supported forum ... .etc, but I'm just not there yet... .and what does that mean for me? That I shouldn't come here? Until I'm ready to accept and learn and be more positive?
And I know that everyone here at some point in their journey with this has been angry and that they know how others feel... .but I just feel so angry, I can't accept it and I feel like no one knows how I feel.
That I cry every night, that my chances of having children are slipping away and that I fear I will never have a half decent relationship with my husband. And that even if I leave it would all take so long to heal from ... .I'm sorry.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

You are not alone. I became so negative that I hardly recognized myself. Counselling helped me. So did journal keeping. I also started a gratitude list. Sorry thats all I can think of. Its been almost 3 years and I sometimes still feel that way. Mostly I am back to being far more positive so it does get better once you recognize it. Don't give up. Hugs

[Lugnut]

Hi Hulu,
You certainly are not alone.
I too right now am very angry and depressed. I have done a lot of reading since discovering this site this past Friday and am having a hard time accepting that I have to make all these changes in myself to as I feel "coddle" my wife's illness. Its especially hard for me to try and do this since she is so perfect and doesn't need to change anything about herself. It's very overwhelming. I am a very strong person, secure and confident and while reading things here I find myself with tears running like a river down my face. The thought of just giving into her demands for a divorce are very appealing to me because the thought of finding someone else who will appreciate and love me with no drama sounds so nice. But also next week she will be back in love with me and all will be good until the next trigger.
We also have a daughter together. And I am scared to death for her so I feel like I have to try and do what ever it takes to keep her safe. Although now after reading here I can put a label on her actions. She is love bombing her right now because she is threatening divorce for the twentieth time.
You are not alone. I too don't feel like I love my wife any more. I also do not enjoy the good times with her anymore.
I am so confused as of now.