Best way to reconnect with her

[Notwendy]

The suggestion to ask to meet in person is only my opinion. For you, it may be too difficult to wait. Personally, I think too many attempts may be too much, but on your part- it's your situation to manage.

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[DeeplyLovingHer]

That makes sense. The therapist is going to focus on you- because you are the client. He wouldn't be able to make an assessment of her as he hasn't seen or met her.

So perhaps he can't assume she has BPD but I think/hope he'd be able to help you with your side of things.

As to what to do next to attempt to reach out- I don't think there's a "BPD approach"- they are still individuals. I think you have sent messages/gifts already and she hasn't responded. Of the ideas you mentioned- if you are already in town, you could ask her to meet you for coffee just to talk- if she doesn't want to do that, then you have tried.

If you communicate with her, I wouldn't tell her how miserable you are or that you disagree with how she's going about this- this is putting your feelings out there for her and pwBPD have difficulty with their own feelings, and so it's not likely to get you the response you would wish for.

See? It was not so complicated to give me a good advice, as you did and many others did previously.
Even tho you were discouraging me to reach out or something, your advice were valuable and on point.

My therapist was just trying to dismantle the BPD thing entirely, even tho my ex mentioned the issue, saying that another therapist told her she might have it. And that's the only reason why I started digging into this matter and everything magically made finally sense. So I don't think he is doing a great job for his client, by invalidating entirely my hypothesis, which is based on two facts and many elements that concour in the BPD behavior and my ex behavior. Even tho you won't accept that we can assume she has BPD, which is fine, he should just listen and take into consideration her behavior which is factual, and not dismissing what I'm saying.

Anyway thanks again, I'll follow your advice actually I'm just gonna wait till next month and cross my fingers!
If she doesn't reply or react well, I might just send her stuff back for Christmas with a gift I wanted to give her and a letter and I will never text her anymore if she don't wan't to communicate with me.

What do you think?

[Notwendy]

What I think may not be what she thinks as I don't have BPD.

Personally, I think a Christmas gift would feel intrusive and unwanted.  I can't speak for your ex but I think if she won't communicate with you in November, I think a gift and letter would be excessive.

On your part, I don't know how many times you feel you need to try before you decide it's enough. If you feel you need to do it this way- the gift, the letter- that may be what you have to do for you.

None of us here can speak for how your ex will feel. PwBPD can still make their own decisions. Understandable that this is hurtful but she is going to choose what she wants to do.

[ForeverDad]

You may feel a gift of course will be appreciated.  When BPD dysfunction is involved, how she responds is unpredictable.  We can't predict her expectations since we don't know what they would be even if she were in a receptive mood.

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

[Notwendy]

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

This was an appropriate gift for the relationship- flowers for an anniversary. The response wasn't appropriate.

If someone asks to not be contacted, doesn't respond to attempts to contact, and also declines a request to meet in November, then sending a Christmas gift is an intrusion. It isn't appreciated because the person has made it clear that they don't want to be contacted. The expected reaction to an intrusion and violation of their boundaries is to not appreciate it.

Just because someone has BPD, it doesn't take away their free will to make choices and decisions, even if we disagree with those decisions. If she's stated several times to not contact her and also doesn't respond to attempts to contact her- it's quite possible she means what she says.

I think it's clear you are open to reconciliation if she wants it- but if she continues to decline contact attempts- a gift may not be appreciated. In this case, to send a Christmas gift is not appropriate for the context of the relationship and it won't be appreciated.

See what happens in November if you ask her to meet.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Dear friends,
I was silent for a while as I tried to live my life without thinking too much about her.

A few days ago I tried to reach out through her secondary Instagram account by sending her 2 reels about things she might like.

The plan was to start with a casual thing and then ask her out when I was passing by.

But he's er answer came back today and was quite harsh. She wrote me this and then she blocked me:

"Can you please please please leave me alone? Months and months and months have passed, life has moved on and so should you. I've been with (the new guy) for a few months, I've never been so in love with a person and at the same time I've never felt so loved; for no reason in the world would I go back or give up what I have now. I'm not the right person for you and you're not the right person for me, try to find your happiness with someone else, and above all stop trying to get in touch with me in any way: if I block you everywhere, it seems clear to me the message is that I don't want to hear or know anything about you."


As usual her reality is quite distorted.

Since we broke up during the past months my only attempt to contact her was when I sent her that letter and never did anything else.

She also left me while telling me how much she loved me like no one else.l ever in her life.

And a few weeks before broking up with me another ex bf texted her and she replied that she was happy with me and she didn't want to talk to him anymore.

So it's the same pattern, except the fact that she has never been for years with anyone else except me.

Please I need your help.

I just want to answer some how for the last time (via email? Letter?) and never contact her again anymore.

The problem is that at this point I'm super confused and I don't know what to do/say as nothing seems to work.

How would you do this?

I also still have at my place her stuff and I don't want to throw anything but I don't want to keep it with me either.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

It's so devastating I just want to talk with her

[Notwendy]

Can you please please please leave me alone?

I think this says it all.

BPD or not, she is is capable of making choices. She knows how to make contact with you if she wants to. She hasn't done that. She's asked you to leave her alone.

IMHO, if you contact her, you are crossing her boundaries. Please respect her boundaries.

I think if she wanted the items she left, she'd have made some arrangements to get them. If it's something valuable or something you think she needs to keep- send them to her family or to her- but not with a note, just the items in the box. Or to a mutual friend to give back to her. If not, then donate them.

[Notwendy]

I understand that this is very hurtful to you, but looking to her as the solution to your hurt feelings is not likely to help you. PwBPD have difficulty with their own feelings.

I hope for your own sake that you can focus on your own self care and healing. Hurting like you are is not going to have any affect on her. I hope you can believe that you are worth turning your focus off her and on to you.

There's no predicting what she's going to do but gaining your emotional stregnth back is your best way to be a part of any relationship- with her or anyone else- some day.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

I'm trying to do that but it so damn hard. I invested so much on this relationship. Trying to understand her erratic behavior. Forgave her a million times. Cheered her when we made peace after all these arguments. Celebrated her achievements. Trusted her like no one else. Made plans for the future together. Dreaming about things together. And the list goes on and on and on...

I tried many times to go out with other girls but every single time depression hit me hard again. I can't date anymore. It's just so depressing and nonsense.

I gave her all the space she asked for, hoping she would have come back. But she didn't. Just made two attempts to reconnect nothing more. I don't want to chase her anymore.

Just tell her something before I cut completely contacts. I want to leave a different memory in her mind before disappearing. That's it

[Notwendy]

Understood but a concern is that if you can’t at her after she has asked you not to - it may not leave the kind of memory you hope. She might be angry because you did what she asked you not to.

It may be that you need some help for the depression- even short term. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help if you feel really down.

If it makes you feel better to contact her - that’s your choice. One idea is to send her things back to her. But I wouldn’t say too much about your feelings. Something like wishing you the best - and your name.

I hope that you can turn your focus to your emotional healing.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Yes I might do that but there so many things I would tell her that I will still feel empty. What if I publish my thoughts, like poems, letters I would send her, etc... on a website I own and we were working on it together? She might check it or not one day, I'll never know. Cuz she abandoned the project, but still keep the Instagram account with the same name, and I still manage the related website. It's cool or a stupid idea?