Best way to reconnect with her

[Notwendy]

The suggestion to ask to meet in person is only my opinion. For you, it may be too difficult to wait. Personally, I think too many attempts may be too much, but on your part- it's your situation to manage.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

That makes sense. The therapist is going to focus on you- because you are the client. He wouldn't be able to make an assessment of her as he hasn't seen or met her.

So perhaps he can't assume she has BPD but I think/hope he'd be able to help you with your side of things.

As to what to do next to attempt to reach out- I don't think there's a "BPD approach"- they are still individuals. I think you have sent messages/gifts already and she hasn't responded. Of the ideas you mentioned- if you are already in town, you could ask her to meet you for coffee just to talk- if she doesn't want to do that, then you have tried.

If you communicate with her, I wouldn't tell her how miserable you are or that you disagree with how she's going about this- this is putting your feelings out there for her and pwBPD have difficulty with their own feelings, and so it's not likely to get you the response you would wish for.

See? It was not so complicated to give me a good advice, as you did and many others did previously.
Even tho you were discouraging me to reach out or something, your advice were valuable and on point.

My therapist was just trying to dismantle the BPD thing entirely, even tho my ex mentioned the issue, saying that another therapist told her she might have it. And that's the only reason why I started digging into this matter and everything magically made finally sense. So I don't think he is doing a great job for his client, by invalidating entirely my hypothesis, which is based on two facts and many elements that concour in the BPD behavior and my ex behavior. Even tho you won't accept that we can assume she has BPD, which is fine, he should just listen and take into consideration her behavior which is factual, and not dismissing what I'm saying.

Anyway thanks again, I'll follow your advice actually I'm just gonna wait till next month and cross my fingers!
If she doesn't reply or react well, I might just send her stuff back for Christmas with a gift I wanted to give her and a letter and I will never text her anymore if she don't wan't to communicate with me.

What do you think?

[Notwendy]

What I think may not be what she thinks as I don't have BPD.

Personally, I think a Christmas gift would feel intrusive and unwanted.  I can't speak for your ex but I think if she won't communicate with you in November, I think a gift and letter would be excessive.

On your part, I don't know how many times you feel you need to try before you decide it's enough. If you feel you need to do it this way- the gift, the letter- that may be what you have to do for you.

None of us here can speak for how your ex will feel. PwBPD can still make their own decisions. Understandable that this is hurtful but she is going to choose what she wants to do.

[ForeverDad]

You may feel a gift of course will be appreciated.  When BPD dysfunction is involved, how she responds is unpredictable.  We can't predict her expectations since we don't know what they would be even if she were in a receptive mood.

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

[Notwendy]

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

This was an appropriate gift for the relationship- flowers for an anniversary. The response wasn't appropriate.

If someone asks to not be contacted, doesn't respond to attempts to contact, and also declines a request to meet in November, then sending a Christmas gift is an intrusion. It isn't appreciated because the person has made it clear that they don't want to be contacted. The expected reaction to an intrusion and violation of their boundaries is to not appreciate it.

Just because someone has BPD, it doesn't take away their free will to make choices and decisions, even if we disagree with those decisions. If she's stated several times to not contact her and also doesn't respond to attempts to contact her- it's quite possible she means what she says.

I think it's clear you are open to reconciliation if she wants it- but if she continues to decline contact attempts- a gift may not be appreciated. In this case, to send a Christmas gift is not appropriate for the context of the relationship and it won't be appreciated.

See what happens in November if you ask her to meet.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Dear friends,
I was silent for a while as I tried to live my life without thinking too much about her.

A few days ago I tried to reach out through her secondary Instagram account by sending her 2 reels about things she might like.

The plan was to start with a casual thing and then ask her out when I was passing by.

But he's er answer came back today and was quite harsh. She wrote me this and then she blocked me:

"Can you please please please leave me alone? Months and months and months have passed, life has moved on and so should you. I've been with (the new guy) for a few months, I've never been so in love with a person and at the same time I've never felt so loved; for no reason in the world would I go back or give up what I have now. I'm not the right person for you and you're not the right person for me, try to find your happiness with someone else, and above all stop trying to get in touch with me in any way: if I block you everywhere, it seems clear to me the message is that I don't want to hear or know anything about you."


As usual her reality is quite distorted.

Since we broke up during the past months my only attempt to contact her was when I sent her that letter and never did anything else.

She also left me while telling me how much she loved me like no one else.l ever in her life.

And a few weeks before broking up with me another ex bf texted her and she replied that she was happy with me and she didn't want to talk to him anymore.

So it's the same pattern, except the fact that she has never been for years with anyone else except me.

Please I need your help.

I just want to answer some how for the last time (via email? Letter?) and never contact her again anymore.

The problem is that at this point I'm super confused and I don't know what to do/say as nothing seems to work.

How would you do this?

I also still have at my place her stuff and I don't want to throw anything but I don't want to keep it with me either.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

It's so devastating I just want to talk with her

[Notwendy]

Can you please please please leave me alone?

I think this says it all.

BPD or not, she is is capable of making choices. She knows how to make contact with you if she wants to. She hasn't done that. She's asked you to leave her alone.

IMHO, if you contact her, you are crossing her boundaries. Please respect her boundaries.

I think if she wanted the items she left, she'd have made some arrangements to get them. If it's something valuable or something you think she needs to keep- send them to her family or to her- but not with a note, just the items in the box. Or to a mutual friend to give back to her. If not, then donate them.

[Notwendy]

I understand that this is very hurtful to you, but looking to her as the solution to your hurt feelings is not likely to help you. PwBPD have difficulty with their own feelings.

I hope for your own sake that you can focus on your own self care and healing. Hurting like you are is not going to have any affect on her. I hope you can believe that you are worth turning your focus off her and on to you.

There's no predicting what she's going to do but gaining your emotional stregnth back is your best way to be a part of any relationship- with her or anyone else- some day.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

I'm trying to do that but it so damn hard. I invested so much on this relationship. Trying to understand her erratic behavior. Forgave her a million times. Cheered her when we made peace after all these arguments. Celebrated her achievements. Trusted her like no one else. Made plans for the future together. Dreaming about things together. And the list goes on and on and on...

I tried many times to go out with other girls but every single time depression hit me hard again. I can't date anymore. It's just so depressing and nonsense.

I gave her all the space she asked for, hoping she would have come back. But she didn't. Just made two attempts to reconnect nothing more. I don't want to chase her anymore.

Just tell her something before I cut completely contacts. I want to leave a different memory in her mind before disappearing. That's it

[Notwendy]

Understood but a concern is that if you can’t at her after she has asked you not to - it may not leave the kind of memory you hope. She might be angry because you did what she asked you not to.

It may be that you need some help for the depression- even short term. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help if you feel really down.

If it makes you feel better to contact her - that’s your choice. One idea is to send her things back to her. But I wouldn’t say too much about your feelings. Something like wishing you the best - and your name.

I hope that you can turn your focus to your emotional healing.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Yes I might do that but there so many things I would tell her that I will still feel empty. What if I publish my thoughts, like poems, letters I would send her, etc... on a website I own and we were working on it together? She might check it or not one day, I'll never know. Cuz she abandoned the project, but still keep the Instagram account with the same name, and I still manage the related website. It's cool or a stupid idea?

[Notwendy]

It's cool or a stupid idea?

Your ex seems to be clear about what she wants. She's asked you to leave her alone.

On your part, anything you do is your wishes, not hers.

In general, I would caution anyone to not post things on a website as you described when in emotional discomfort. You may not feel this way in the future but the website remains.

I hope for your sake that you can turn the focus on to your own emotional healing. It's ok to reach out for help with a therapist during this time- it can be a big support. I think it would be helpful to you.

[try2heal]

Hi everyone and thanks for your advice.

I just went through our last conversation.
We were supposed to meet and she told me not to go, then she blocked me on WA and I reached out via email.
We had an exchange of like 20 emails, where I was saying I was going to see her, no matter what.

And she replied not to go like 10 times, threatening twice to call the cops, but in the end, we met each other and had dinner together. She was really mad at me and at the end left my car while we were still talking. I never seen her again since then.

Okay, I've read everything a few times. I've got to jump in from my perspective, irrespective of whether anyone is a pwBPD. Please don't take this as me knocking you as a person or a partner, but my response is STOP. If I had an ex who said he was going to see me "no matter what" I would consider calling the police. I would be terrified. If I gave in and met up with him, I would feel like a hostage.

I know how deep and addictive a relationship with a pwBPD can be. I truly understand some of what you're going through. But if she calls the cops at this point, they may arrest you.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Have you considered the situation?
I travelled 2500 km just to meet with her and she blocked me when I was taking my car to drive to her place and pick her up.
We agreed to meet and we were okay meeting since she started and escalated this argument out of nowhere just hours before we had to meet. Do you think it's unreasonable to drive to your girlfriend and try to reason with her? I took her for dinner, I paid for it. I tried to talk. That's it.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

That happened when we were still together. After that I never showed up or insisted. I just sent her a letter with the flowers after 3 months or so. And never texted, called, or contacted her in any other ways since then. Do you think my behavior is unreasonable? After all I went through? Days before she broke up with me out of a rage outburst she asked me to move together. We were looking for a place. She asked me to marry her. She told me she never loved anybody else like me, etc...
After we broke up. I contacted her just once and not in a direct way.  Then I sent her 2 reels on instagram two days ago. That's it.

[Notwendy]

Understood, but even in context of what happened, which is hurtful to you and you have been invested in this relationship, and even if you have acted reasobably or not- or if she's been unreasonable- it actually is about the two of you each wanting something different.

She has asked you to please leave her alone and not contact her.

You want to contact her - one more time (what she's asked for is not at all).

This is a conflict of who wants what. Do you go along with her request or decide to attempt to communcate in some way with her?

Really it's up to you now to decide what you are going to do. People can only offer their advice here- but everyone can decide if the advice fits them or not. Nobody here can possibly know all that goes into a relationship and so it's really your choice.

[ForeverDad]

Let me be frank here.  If she has clearly stated for you not to contact her again, then listen and obey.  Do you want to get surprised one day with her possibly filing an Harassment petition?  Legally speaking, Harassment complaints are a very serious matter.

People with disorders such as Borderline, are not just quick to change perceptions, they can easily overreact too.  View further communication with her like trying to hold a hot potato in your hands.  How badly do you want to get burned?

You are seeking Closure, answers to your questions or your own concerns. Let Go.  Closure will have to be something you Gift Yourself.

I tried many times to go out with other girls but every single time depression hit me hard again. I can't date anymore. It's just so depressing and nonsense.

Evidently you're not recovered enough to start a new relationship.  These attempts were indications of "rebound" relationships which typically fail.  Have you sought a local counselor who can assist you in examining yourself, resolve whatever is troubling you and help you to Move On?

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Understood, but even in context of what happened, which is hurtful to you and you have been invested in this relationship, and even if you have acted reasobably or not- or if she's been unreasonable- it actually is about the two of you each wanting something different.

She has asked you to please leave her alone and not contact her.

You want to contact her - one more time (what she's asked for is not at all).

This is a conflict of who wants what. Do you go along with her request or decide to attempt to communcate in some way with her?

Really it's up to you now to decide what you are going to do. People can only offer their advice here- but everyone can decide if the advice fits them or not. Nobody here can possibly know all that goes into a relationship and so it's really your choice.

You are absolutely right and I did my best to respect her will for months. I would be super happy if she could do the same with my feelings at least once. That's it

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Let me be frank here.  If she has clearly stated for you not to contact her again, then listen and obey.  Do you want to get surprised one day with her possibly filing an Harassment petition?  Legally speaking, Harassment complaints are a very serious matter.

People with disorders such as Borderline, are not just quick to change perceptions, they can easily overreact too.  View further communication with her like trying to hold a hot potato in your hands.  How badly do you want to get burned?

You are seeking Closure, answers to your questions or your own concerns. Let Go.  Closure will have to be something you Gift Yourself.

Evidently you're not recovered enough to start a new relationship.  These attempts were indications of "rebound" relationships which typically fail.  Have you sought a local counselor who can assist you in examining yourself, resolve whatever is troubling you and help you to Move On?

Hi Foreverdad. Yes I do understand that. But I'm not sure if my behavior can be considered harassment. I mean I sent her 1 letter + 2 reels on Instagram in over 6 months and nothing else. It seems pretty much far from harrassing someone to me. Anyway I do understand that it can perceived like this by someone else. Believe me the last thing I want to do is to harass her. That's why I'm seeking help here about what to do. I would just talk to her once and then I'm okay letting go. Why is it so hard to talk with someone you were so close with?

I think since she texted me something and she blocked me after that, I can send her a last email to reply what she wrote me on Instagram and then just wait and hope she will change her mind one day.

I tried talking with a therapist but it didn't help. I'm really suffering and I feel suicidal again now. I would probably overcome this much easier if I could just talk to her once. I mean if she is happy like this I'm okay with that, I'll try to move on. I would just be treated like a human, you know? Anyway I'm doing my best not to think about that but it's really hard. These thoughts pops up especially at night when Im sleepless in my bed. They started the first time she broke up with me two years ago. Went away immediately when we got back together. And then I had the same pattern the other two times she left me. No sleep. No interest in doing anything. Just thinking about how it ended and what could I've done differently to not lose her. I'm really having hard time again now. Hope it will pass soon.

[Skip]

One of the hardest things for any of us to understand...

There's always one to turn and walk away
and one who just wants to stay

There is nothing logical or fair about this. No kindness. No justification required. No obligation to do more. This is a cold hard truth of life.

When someone who is important to us turns and walks away it shatters our world. It's distorts our perceptions. Our memory of them becomes skewed. It changes our self worth and confidence. It alters our biology and drives us toward or into depression.

We can only deal with this incredible overload on our psyche by purging it through grief. And from there, grief recovery. It takes months - longer depending on the extent of the wound to our soul.

When someone leaves us through death, its final. We experience deep loss. But we don't also feel at fault. When someone leaves us by choice, we experiences that deep loss but its feels like it is all about us. And we struggle to know when it is actually final. It's very hard.

It's time to let go, friend. You're fighting with all your might to control / avoid the pain of this loss - but you can't beat this. You're defeated.

The minute you just sit down and accept the loss, realize that all that could be said has been, and all options exhausted, the anxiety you've battled will be replaced by a dead quiet, and your muscles will relax. You will feel completely empty.

That will be the start of your healing.

Work with us here on that. We're all here for you.

Here is the song from where the lyric came...


Date: 2014Minutes: 3:49
Diana Krall - Why should iIcare with lyrics

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hey Skip, thank you so much for your message!
It really helps a lot. You are right but the point is that I have so many things to tell her that I never done.
I was supposed to do so when we were gonna meet but then we ended up in this spiral to the hell and she left me while we were talking and I never seen her again.

That's the point of my desperation
Maybe it won't change anything
But I feel I have to tell her all these things I have in my heart
Cuz it is just all she ever wanted

[Skip]

It really helps a lot.

How?

What resonates with you from my note?

[DeeplyLovingHer]

I felt understood. I felt empathy. I felt you really wanted to help me. I agree with everything you said, except that phrase "all the things has being said" because I didn't share with her all these things that I have in my heart.

When I sent her the letter I was mostly apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

I didn't tell her the important things I feel could make the difference because I wanted to tell her whenever we were gonna meet.

Ofc I was too naive to think about that and I didn't expect she would never reply to me

[Skip]

The minute you just sit down and accept the loss, realize that all that could be said has been, and all options exhausted...

There is an 80's song by the Cure, Pictures of You. I'm sure you know it. It's an epic rendering of lost love and limitless regret.

I have always been taken by these  words of futility in the song.

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart

Why am I hitting you with song lyrics today? Because I am trying to show you the universality of what you are thinking/feeling. I am trying to show you the universality of its futility. As men, sometimes we just don't get it.

I remember carrying the very same thoughts you are having. That I had something important to say that might change things. I had regrets that I hadn't said the words before. I wrote them out, just the same. To look at them every time I had the urge to send them. Every time I looked, it was clearer to me that they were not going to change anything. Thnkfully, I never sent them.

Here is hard truth - timing is everything. When a relationship is on the precipice and everyone has mixed emotions and feelings of uncertainly, words can make a huge difference. However, once things have gone over the precipice and the partner has grieved the relationship and started building a new life... those same words have no play. And in fact, unless the recipient is open to your words, the words can have the opposite affect of being destructive.

Before you sent the flowers we said don't do it. At most, just put a feeler out to see if she is receptive. If she is not open, you will surely aggravate. That happened.

Sending the IG reals after not getting a response to the flowers, etc. went on to infuriate her. To her credit, you got an very measured and respectful response. But the message is unambiguous.

Clearly she knows you are looking at her social media and she feels like she is being stalked.

She is begging you to let her go (please please please).

"Can you please please please leave me alone? Months and months and months have passed, life has moved on and so should you. I've been with (the new guy) for a few months, I've never been so in love with a person and at the same time I've never felt so loved; for no reason in the world would I go back or give up what I have now. I'm not the right person for you and you're not the right person for me, try to find your happiness with someone else, and above all stop trying to get in touch with me in any way: if I block you everywhere, it seems clear to me the message is that I don't want to hear or know anything about you."

How does a man respond to this?

If it was me, I might send a very brief note to a friend of hers. Let her fried know that it is over. That _______ can live her life and post on social media without you watching her. This is the best gift you can give her now and one that will earn back some respect in her eyes and some dignity in yours.

Dear __________

_______ recently sent me this note. <insert copy>. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't get it before. I clearly get it now. Can you please pass on to ______ my sincerest apologies and my promise that I will fully respect her request for privacy in every way.

DeeplyLovingHer

What do you think?

[ForeverDad]

I will explain to you my experience.  I was hit with an Harassment petition.  My lawyer was serious, he warned that I, by then the father of our preschooler, could be handed a 5 year stay-away order, even if not deserved.  As well, when it expired she could file for a renewal.  He explained that no judge wants to wake up one morning and hear one of his cases in the news, so judges might err on the side of caution.

What did I do?  We had married and were religious volunteers together for the first 8 years of our marriage.  She gradually became unhappy, I did not realize some personality disorder was developing.  We left and within a few years had a child.  As I look back I conclude she no longer saw me as a husband, but a father.  Sadly, her stepfather was a pretty bad guy and she somehow connected the dots between him and me.  So once we separated she was clear she wanted nothing to do with me.  I ended up filing for divorce.  About that time came the most important annual celebration of our congregation.  Of course I attended the services.  She happened to be seated on the left, I sat on the right.  I did nothing but be present.  When she noticed me she rushed out and departed.

A few days later the court mailed her Harassment papers to me.  At the hearing my lawyer and her lawyer worked out a deal where she would get her order for several months and then it would end, did not impact my parenting, and was recorded as a type of settlement that could not be renewed.

That is why I wrote that post above.  It doesn't often go to that extreme, but it can and unwanted contact carries that potential overreaction risk.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi everyone and thank you for your support and patience with me. I made a lot of mistakes. Unfortunately due to my health condition my mind was not clear and this is the main reason why she wanted to end the relationship. I tried to explain myself many times but she was putting all the blame on me. It was very sad and painful to see your love suffering from having a malfunctioning boyfriend and at the same time struggling with my health and not being understood and appreciated for my efforts to keep it up as much as I could in this situation.

I totally agree with you guys. I want to move on and give her space. I just would tell her I'm doing that. Honestly last time I contacted a friend of her (during our previous break up, not this one) she was super upset (I just wrote that friend which I met personally: "Hi how are you?" Waiting for her reply just to explain the situation, but instead I've got a mail from my ex saying she would go to the police if I ever contact a friend of her again. I was shocked. After a few weeks she unblocked me and sent me on Instagram a random reel and we got back together. This was last year. So I've tried the same approach this very last time but it didn't work.

So I'm already on my way to try to move on. I just want to let her know I respect her, I love her and I'm moving on. That's it.

What's the best way to do this in your opinion considering the situation?

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Maybe I can try with another friend or idk an email, a video message, a letter? I just want to tell her I'm respecting her and I'll not chase her.

[Skip]

Don't tell her you love her. You have conveyed that. It is inappropriate at this point. Maybe... snail mail, blank white card (no photo, picture, drawing).

I will respect your request for privacy in every way.

And then stay off her social media.

[ForeverDad]

About the input here, it has been insightful and mostly cautioning.  Yes, you want to express yourself one more time.  But you've already tried multiples times already.  One more time is unlikely to succeed and you still won't have satisfactory Closure from your ex.  Please, gift yourself closure and move forward into your future.

Most of us here have had counseling during our times of stress and distress.  While the peer support here is excellent, it is still remote and limited, so experienced local resources are invaluable.  What does your counselor advise?