Best way to reconnect with her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,
I've been trying to follow your advice for a while but ended up buying her a gift for her birthday/Christmas, and I wrote her a letter but I didn't sent it.
Instead I sent her an email the day of her birthday (which is also the day we met the first time), saying that I had this gift for her and I wish we could meet, otherwise I would have ship it to her if she wouldn't want to meet. She didn't reply and I sent another very short email after 3 weeks just asking if we could talk.
I ended up with her new boyfriend threatening me again via phone. I feel so stupid that I didn't follow your advice.

But at least now one thing is very clear to me: most of their reality is not real. In fact is pretty much twisted.

This guy keep saying that we were not together last year while he was trying to slip in her bed.
He is keep saying that I'm harassing her everywhere and every now, while I wrote her just 4 times in 9 months after we broke up.
He also admitted that he told her to break up with me multiple times, so he was one of the (if not the main) reasons why she broke up with me.
Last year while we were still together she told me multiple times this guy was insisting to see her and she was pissed and anxious about that, and she even wanted to stop their friendship at one point. He even invited her at home the valentine's day and she told me that. I was so blind and overwhelmed by my health issues to not see this coming (
So I think he is the enabler of her twisted perception of myself, if not even the one who painted me black in her mind himself.
What should I do now in your opinion?
Should I tell him that what is saying is basically defamation and he is just doing something bad to her?
If I do it I'm afraid he could get mad and she could get even more furious if he break up with her for this reason (I don't want that).
On the other hand I feel that if I'm not replying they will keep living in this twisted reality where I'm the bad person and believing that I was harassing her while we were actually engaged and planning to move in together in a few weeks.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi everyone,
I've been trying to follow your advice for a while but ended up buying her a gift for her birthday/Christmas, and I wrote her a letter but I didn't sent it.
Instead I sent her an email the day of her birthday (which is also the day we met the first time), saying that I had this gift for her and I wish we could meet, otherwise I would have ship it to her if she wouldn't want to meet. She didn't reply and I sent another very short email after 3 weeks just asking if we could talk.
I ended up with her new boyfriend threatening me again via phone. I feel so stupid that I didn't follow your advice.

But at least now one thing is very clear to me: most of their reality is not real. In fact is pretty much twisted.

This guy keep saying that we were not together last year while he was trying to slip in her bed.
He is keep saying that I'm harassing her everywhere and every now, while I wrote her just 4 times in 9 months after we broke up.
He also admitted that he told her to break up with me multiple times, so he was one of the (if not the main) reasons why she broke up with me.
Last year while we were still together she told me multiple times this guy was insisting to see her and she was pissed and anxious about that, and she even wanted to stop their friendship at one point. He even invited her at home the valentine's day and she told me that. I was so blind and overwhelmed by my health issues to not see this coming (
So I think he is the enabler of her twisted perception of myself, if not even the one who painted me black in her mind himself.
What should I do now in your opinion?
Should I tell him that what is saying is basically defamation and he is just doing something bad to her?
If I do it I'm afraid he could get mad and she could get even more furious if he break up with her for this reason (I don't want that).
On the other hand I feel that if I'm not replying they will keep living in this twisted reality where I'm the bad person and believing that I was harassing her while we were actually engaged and planning to move in together in a few weeks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

I am assuming both he and she are adults, right?  And you contacted her, not him?  Yet he was the one to contact you, so clearly she informed him, or allows him to monitor her?  The reality is that adults can choose how they want to live their lives.  Yes, the choices these others have made may be unwise or even unhealthy, but it is their right as adults to do as they choose.

Frankly, anything more you do can just get you into more intense conflict, either with the guy or with legal complaints.  Right now you have the appearance of an "ex".  Rather, to be frank, from their perspective you are the ex.  Not your choice of course, but that's reality.  Your feelings for her need to be put in the past.  Have you heard of the stages of Grieving a Loss?  (Perhaps explore this with your therapist?)  There are some identifiable stages but I want to focus on the most important one... Acceptance.  Can you Accept that things have changed, that she is no longer in a relationship with you and that you need to Let Go your feelings and Move On?

Pardon me if I've been a bit too blunt but she left you many months ago.  Better to Accept that than continue in an uphill struggle with little likelihood of a happy outcome.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi Foreverdad,
Yes you are absolutely right.
It's really hard for me. So I've been trying to move on, but she is still in my heart and mind.

When we broke up last time, it didn't make sense at all. It was just out of rage.
So I was just hoping that at some point we could have talk calmly again and this could help us at least to have some sort of communication.

Yes I wrote her and he wrote me.
I think he asked my number, it wasn't her, but maybe I'm wrong.
When he reached out last week I finally understood why she didn't came back and why she broke up with me in the first place.

I believe their relationship is founded on the hate towards me.

She was referring as this guy as "one who hates me" (we have never met), because she was probably turning to him every time we had an argument or she was sad about something. So he inevitably started to be the enabler of her black thinking on me, enabling it and pushing it to the roof.

She seemed not to follow this in the beginning as she referred to him with kind of pity most of the time. I think the guy changed when he decided to break up with his ex gf and trying to make us breaking up to get with my ex. This is what happened.

We had an argument and he did all he can to convince her that I'm a bad person and she should leave me, so he could leave his gf and be with mine. 100% this is how things went. My ex told me many things about him, and he admitted he was pushing her to break up with me.

She had legitimate reasons to be upset with me, but everything else is a false narrative fueled by the BPD thinking and this guy sneaky attitude.

What I see here is just a manipulator who did everything he could just to destroy our relationship and fuel her bad thoughts for his own sake.
But you are right, now I just need to focus on my self. If she will ever want to talk with me, she knows where she can find me.

What I was asking here is that: should I tell the guy the truth/facts?
Maybe it will break the circle of picturing me like a devil, when he was the one not being "a good person" while he was trying hard with my ex while he was still with his own girlfriend for months!

[ForeverDad]

Theirs is a dysfunctional relationship, as I think you have to admit yours was too.  And you can't even be sure who is saying what to whom since you're not there when they're communicating.  Likely (1) they're feeding off each other * or (2) he believes her perceptions and is trying to protect her.  Doesn't matter which, you're still the odd man out.

* Karpman Triangle ... she's the Victim, you're the Persecutor, he's the Rescuer.

What I was asking here is that: should I tell the guy the truth/facts?

If it doesn't change that you're still an ex, what would be the benefit, the relationship would still be over ... while you could risk antagonizing the overall situation, making it much worse.

People with BPD traits often view all their past relationships as bad ones.  You're now painted as evil.  For all you know, this guy will too be painted evil, eventually.  And the next ones too.  You can't fix what's broken.  Best to walk away, lick your wounds metaphorically and Move On with your life.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Yes this is exactly the Karpman triangle.
I think she was asking him advice when we were having an argument and this guy took everything she said and made it much worse.
He just wanted to have her so badly, she told me many times about this but she was naive and was saying that he was just a friend.
The fact that she is being manipulated and pushed to not talk with me, isn't manipulation or an illegal behavior?

[SnailShell]

Yes this is exactly the Karpman triangle.
I think she was asking him advice when we were having an argument and this guy took everything she said and made it much worse.
He just wanted to have her so badly, she told me many times about this but she was naive and was saying that he was just a friend.
The fact that she is being manipulated and pushed to not talk with me, isn't manipulation or an illegal behavior?

Not sure what your ideal outcome is in this situation, but just a quick comment -

There’s a lot (*a lot*)of freedom in allowing people to think what they want about you (good or bad).

There’s *a lot* of freedom in not having to fix anyone else or ‘make them see the truth’.

Trying to share your point of view, or prove your perspective will keep YOU trapped.

And there’s only one loser in that situation - and that’s you.

If your ex has bpd, you cannot - CANNOT - set her perception straight. It’ll always be ‘off’ until she heals.

The new guy? Who knows.

Maybe he’s unwell too, or maybe he’s just naive to buy into the situation.

Whatever the truth is, you can only control your own thoughts and behaviours.

That’s where all of your freedom lies, and it’s where all of your self-confidence and power lies too.

Look after yourself, and good luck

(And finally - it sounds to me as though you’d really benefit from putting this situation down now. Electric fences can kill - and they can also be very hard to let go of. This sounds like an electric fence. Hard to let go of, but hope, healing and freedom lies in *letting go*. Sounds to me as though you ought to do that! )

[DeeplyLovingHer]

The new guy has many advantages over me:
- he is about her age
- they knew each other already since long time
- she was complaining about me the whole time, so he knows what bother her
- they live very close and we were living far away and this was probably our major problem
- he is not sick like me (this was the second major problem)
- he knows her family and they also have friends in common
- he gets a more mature girl that now has already experienced a long term relationship
- he is now in charge of being the caregiver and he was able to cut me off the game

Anyway now it seems there is literally nothing I can do.
I'm trying to move on since back then, but I'm having very hard time.
I'm living my life, trying to fix stuff and get better.
But I'm quite isolated. I avoid dating other girls. I just don't feel I want to be with someone else.
I think about her every single day, many times per day.
I'm even talking to her like I'm talking to a ghost in my head.
Like you know when someone you care passed away from a day to another and you can't literally get over it.
I think I've been almost like this only once in my life. When my grandma died many years ago.
She was everything to me and her passing away was an absolute shock, just my ex gf leaving me and cancelling me from her life this way.
Sometimes I loose focus and I'm looking nowhere while someone is talking to me.
I keep remembering the beautiful moments and I keep thinking about what has gone wrong and what I could have done differently.
And I blame myself even if I know it wasn't totally my fault, but due to my chronic illness I failed.
Sometimes I start crying out of nowhere while I'm walking on the street.
I do this over and over and I can't stop.

Anyway thanks guys!
I really appreciate your help.
I'll try harder.

[Skip]

There’s a lot (*a lot*)of freedom in allowing people to think what they want about you (good or bad).

There’s *a lot* of freedom in not having to fix anyone else or ‘make them see the truth’.

A lot ( *a lot* ) of wisdom in SnailShell's words... for everyone reading.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

I'm sorry I'm missing the point here...
What is the benefit to let them think I'm a evil abusive ex boyfriend when it's absolutely not true?

[ForeverDad]

Because you can't control what other people think.  Perhaps with a relatively normal person you can inform and influence the other person.  But with BPD traits of unpredictable actions, feelings and emotions overruling facts and reasons, blaming and blame shifting, there's little you can do when the other refuses to listen.

You know the old story, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  More specifically, you can't even lead her to the truth much less make her accept it.

You've done what you can.  You tried.  Anything more and you risk antagonizing them even more.  Let Go, lick your wounds, work toward recovery for yourself and Move On.

Accept that you're unlikely to get closure from them.  In my case, my marriage imploded soon after we had a child.  That was some 20 years ago.  Child is grown now, the conflict from back then has subsided but... to this day she insists I was the one causing her problems.  After two decades I still can't reason with her.  Yet we share a child and so I don't walk away from being a parent.

[seekingtheway]

It hurts a lot and it doesn’t feel fair… but finding peace with someone’s misrepresentation of you is an act of self love.

Taking yourself out of drama triangle will eventually stop the drama between the three of you… then it will just be the two of them - and their ability to sustain a relationship without the aid of the additional drama will remain to be seen…

Also agree there’s a lot of juice for you in Snailshells post - you may find the act of letting go is the path to reclaiming your power and confidence. And see where it takes you. It doesn’t all have to be figured out right now.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Got it! Yes I think it's the only thing I can do right now.
Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts with me