Radical action needed

[Tiller]

Sorry in advance if this is a bit long and rambling. My partner has more or less self-diagnosed Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, however she displays literally all traits of BPD. She has been in and out of the mental health system since she was 16 and is really staunchly against considering anti-depressants and generally does not believe in the efficacy of the DSM or mental health professionals and pretty much refuses to engage with anything that is part of this system.

She has spend the majority of the last 4 years of so in bed with almost daily bouts of rage, depression, suicidality and general hopelessness.

For context, we have two daughters, 6 and 8 and they have been profoundly affected by what they have witnessed at home. Constant triggering, rages at them and me (more often me) being bed bound for weeks at a time, inappropriate sharing in front of the girls (about why everything is so bad).

My pwuBPD point to her family as being the cause for all the trauma in her life. There has been no history of any family violence or any other capital T trauma, but instead more attachment trauma. This has resulted in much violent communication being sent to her parents and siblings to the point that they are all now estranged and she sees herself as being abandoned by them. Our kids have suffered the most from this estrangement. It all came to a head when her mother was diagnosed with late stage brain cancer a bit over a year ago. She made some efforts to reconnect, but they generally ended up with her flying into a rage at them and then spiralling into depression. Her mother passed away earlier this year and I think that was the final straw for her siblings, they are all really angry with her and probably blame their mother's death on her to some degree.

I find myself completely alone now dealing with her uBPD. She now blames me all the time for not standing up for her in all the situations where family and friends have 'abandoned' her (of which there have been many). She blames me for not being willing to change anything. I recently took 6 weeks off work to travel as a family to try to get some space from life and hopefully make some changes for the better, but as I guess I expected it was pretty awfull. With her depressed and ragefull for a lot of the time, and having serious psychotic episodes in the car in from of our children who were both crying and confused and scared.

Now that we are home she has sunk back down into deep depression and tells me all the time that I am not safe and that she doesn't trust me. In the meantime I have basically been her carer for the past 4 years. I cook all meals, I do all the housework, I manage our finances, I parent our kids 90% of the time and I work fulltime.

I've just had enough, but I seem to be so stuck in hoping that she'll get help, hoping that things will get better, hoping that she'll be a better mother and partner, hoping that she'll reconnect with her family. But there is no evidence to suggest that she is going to change anything. So now I do accept (I think) that it is up to me to change things, but I am so scarred to because she is truly terrifying. I find myself constantly trying to protect the kids from her rage by placating her and apologising to her (she never apologises to me for anything).

I want to leave, but just don't know how to. Our kids are so scared of us breaking up, my 8 year old said to me recently that she could survive us separating. Plus I don't know how to do it financially because she is completely dependent on me. She sees herself as disabled and can never really work again. So I feel like if I leave her she will be destitute and at worst will take her own life.

Sorry about the ramble....

[ForeverDad]

Welcome though of course the circumstances make it tough.

Sadly, Hopium is not a strategy.  I was married over a decade and noticed that over the years her rants and rages became more and more frequent.  I hoped, appeased, used logic, tried to be positive.  It still worsened over time, especially after we had a child.  Finally, I realized there was no alternative but to start getting my ducks in a row.  I barely got started when I had called the police and my marriage imploded.  Until then she would often barricade herself in bed, she totally changed and only then stopped wallowing in moans, groans and "get out".

Some steps to get your ducks in a row... All this must be on a confidential and private basis.  Sharing your preparations in any way will almost certainly invite obstruction and sabotage.  Sorry.  We've been there, experienced that.

• Priority is yourself and your children.  I know you're worried about your partner but this is basically triage in a near emergency situation.
• You and your children would benefit immensely from counseling.
• You should interview or consult with experienced and proactive local lawyers.  What legal strategies and cautions would they advise?
• Determine who are your local supporters - trusted family, trusted friends (not mutual friends who may side against you)

[Tiller]

Thanks for your reply FD! It’s now a pattern of me going into her bedroom and offering to talk/listen and very soon after she tells me to leave, saying she doesn’t like the tone of my voice/im being aggressive/passive aggressive. It’s so irrational and leaves no room for discussion. This pattern of her attacking and then accusing me of attacking her. There have been some significant psychological breaks in front of the children and I’m really worried about the bong term impact.

I have made an appointment with a family case worker as a first step, and will look into legal avenues. Part of me feels really guilty not care taking her, but this is no way to live. It’s setting an awful example of a relationship to myD6 & D8. I know at some deep level that I’m in a toxic abusive relationship and the best thing to do would be to leave. But it’s going to be very tough emotionally and financially.its also going to feel like the end of the world for my girls, but I has to be better than this right?

At the moment I’m leaving her in her room and not care taking her, not taking her food etc. but I have said that I’m available to talk and listen if she likes, but that I don’t want to do this in her bedroom. Does that sound reasonable?

I am concerned about how much action I am taking behind the scenes in terms of contacting support network to discuss options etc without speaking to her about it. But as you say, it would just inflame the situation. So getting ducks in a row before talking about leaving is probably best.

[Notwendy]

As a an adult child of a widowed BPD mother who seems to be about as affected as your wife, I understand your feeling uncomfortable about not sharing your plans or inquiries with your wife. However, I believe that if discussion with her was effective, you'd be doing it.

For my BPD mother, any sort of conversation that may be uncomfortable for her results in her dissociating- and she doesn't process it. Or she will obsess over it or bring it up in a different context repeatedly again. I think it would help for you to look at the Karpman triangle dynamics. I believe pwBPD take victim perspective.

I don't condone being dishonest or hiding things but when dealing with my BPD mother, not disclosing things to her is a form of self protection from her reactions. I wish our relationship could be different but she is mentally ill and it is what it is.

I understand your girls are fearful of divorce. I think all kids are at that age. Kids can not possibly comprehend the complexity of relationships, marriage, or mental illness at their young ages and even as adults, it's very complex to understand.

I think there are pros and cons to both decisions. As to costs- it's costly to divorce but it was also expensive to stay. My parents stayed together- so I know that situation- I know it's been a difficult relationship but I also know it was my father's decision to make, and nobody else's. I say I wouldn't blame him if he left her either but I can't know the road not taken. I do believe that as long as you are present for your girls and are responsible to them- that the best decision for you is the one you make for your own stability and mental well being.

It's not an easy decision but I believe each person can make the best one for themselves and their family. You don't sound like someone who would abandon responsibilities to your kids or to your wife in either situation- and while you want to be fair to yourself if you do divorce, her mental health issues will be part of that consideration.

Just wanted to say I agree with you keeping your information gathering to yourself for now.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome 

CPTSD and BPD have a lot of overlapping tendencies.  The label is not important- the effect on you and your family is.  You are a good man, and you have honored your values and tried and encouraged- it is not your fault.  You can’t fix her - she has to want to fix herself.

My wife has CPTSD uBPD ADHD and has been in three years of weekly therapy and it was her choice after I said I couldn’t continue like this and she needed help and I wasn’t qualified to do it.  However - I was prepared to leave at its worst due to the emotional abuse happening to myself and my kids. 

Sounds like fear of the unknown (loneliness) and love of the “what if” (memory of the good times and hope for something that isn’t)  has you in its grips.  Don’t over think it.  Your life and your kids are your responsibility.  She is an adult and must be responsible for herself - you don’t need to caretake her.  That is a slippery slope.  When I stopped caretaking and started to make plans to leave - it was an absolute emotional explosion.  But…. It got her into therapy which my kids need whether I am married to her or not.  Explosion was going to happen either way.  I just needed the family and friend group and personal counselor to lean on when it happened.  Get them and get the courage to listen to your gut - it is never wrong.   Then go run, hit the gym, and start building your plan of how to provide the most stable and healthy nurturing environment for your kids. 

Put your oxygen mask on first though.  Do you have a counselor, friends, and family to support you as you walk though this storm?  What steps can you do now to put them in place - regardless of the path?

[Notwendy]

 Your life and your kids are your responsibility.  She is an adult and must be responsible for herself - you don’t need to caretake her.  That is a slippery slope.  When I stopped caretaking and started to make plans to leave - it was an absolute emotional explosion.  But…. It got her into therapy which my kids need whether I am married to her or not. 

Explosion was going to happen either way. 

Wise words here. Caretaking, appeasing, is a downward spiral. Emotional explosion happens and appeasing is a temporary bandaid but in the long run, it reinforces the behavior - doesn't reduce it.

[ForeverDad]

All throughout our lives every comment seems to pressure us to believe that remaining together is better and a better example for our children than separating.  However - and this is a huge however - that is when the two adults are reasonably normal adults.  Throw in acting-out (harming others more than acting inward onto self) disorders and that usual advice may need examination.

There is no single fix that resolves all the concerns.  However, there are partial solutions that can improve circumstances.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc... As the saying goes, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[Tiller]

Damn, just had an argument that didn't go very well, but maybe a good start. She messaged me at 2am "I'm still awake at 2:18. Why do you leave me alone for days on end stuck in this state? U can't actually move myself out of it along. You told me all the ways D8 is suffering because she's worried about me and then leave me to go to bed after 20 mins of me finally feeling safe enough to connect tonight (it was 11pm). Why am I so so discusting. My poor daughters. Having a mother that is so discusting and unworthy of love and care and attention-from anyone- must be distressing to watch. I wish freeze wan't my trauma response. The world hates that one just as much as the fight response. Life is invisible chamic pain with severe cptsd. I am so f&%ing alone"

I let her know I was tired as it was 11pm but connected again this morning. She just wrote again from the bedroom
"I'm desperate. I have no one. No other human to turn to in my life. I don't understand when you just leave me to descend steadily into hell-saying let me know if you me to do something? and don't say I have to work, the kids need me etc. don't. After all these years you still act as though you're a helpless victim of what I'm going through, rather than turning towards it and practically emotionally helping me coregulation get out. when I literally can't move my body. I feel like I'm dying-call it brain inflammation, call it what you want and I am -this stress and insomnia is going to kill me with something. It's real. My brain cant work times like this. I can't make plans. I can't brush my teeth or shower let along go out anywhere. I can't remember things 2 minutes later. My whole nervous system is shutdown/or in flight/fight. I need you help I need to feel there's no judgement, straight forward clear thinking help and hope in my midst.  I'm NOT being lazy as you have implied so many times. We've been here so many times yes. Spare me the shame. If I had an other kind of health flare up would you ignore me and imply it's a disaster and I'm traumatising my kids and being lazy/indolent?"

I then went down and expressed that if she had another health issue I would strongly advise her to get medical help as I'm not qualified. I told her that I am desperately unhappy in the relationship and I need her to get professional help. She blew up at this and told me all the ways she's getting help. I then pointed out that she's not had a psychological evaluation or seen a therapist for any consistent period of time. I told her that we have needed couples counselling for years and she has refused. I told her that I am doing everything that I can to support her by over acting. I do all the housework, do the majority of our parenting, work full time and care take her. She then told me that I'm kicking her while she's down and acted mock kicking. I told her I'm not willing to keep going like this. I need her to get professional help. She then told me to get out and has started writing more and more messages as per the above.