Has Anyone Ever Done This?

[SnailShell]

I was in a relationship for a few months with a girl who told me she has CPTSD.
She probably does, but I think I spotted a number of BPD traits, and she followed a couple of BPD social media pages.

In our relationship:

- She came on incredibly strongly (which surprised me - I thought she'd be avoidant)
- She led with some really graphic trauma stories
- She sorta seemed like she was instantly in love with me, and flattered me beyond belief
- We sent around 100 texts a day to each other for a number of months (it shocked me when I deleted my messages and realised that); spoke for four hours a week by video call (at least); emailed each other's work emails; and flew to see each other twice a month.

- I moved over for a few weeks to see if we could take things further.

She:

- Regularly got mad at me and swore at me for random things (even if I complimented her, she'd sometimes say things like "I don't give a sh** what you think).
- Told me she could "manipulate the sh** out of you; but I wont." (She did.)
- Drove me off in her car around 11pm, drove me into an abandoned gas station and berated me for an extended period
- Pushed against our agreed sexual boundaries, so that I had to physically push her off me a couple of times (when I asked her to stop, she once said 'no' and carried on).

- She eventually broke up with me because I wanted to spend Christmas with my family rather than her's; and broke up with me again when I couldn't move to her city until a month after she wanted.

It's more complicated than I just described, because she could be really nice; and the trauma stories sorta... left me trying to figure out who she actually was, and what I could/couldn't accommodate.

I did set boundaries, but was always super upset/sometimes angry when I did.

But I definitely could've set better ones.

Eventually, we said "I love you" to each other, and she wanted to get back together.

I told her I thought we should stay friends and try to navigate the toxic patterns in a healthy way; starting slowly then building from there.

She disappeared on me. Then came back. Then disappeared. Then came back.

Then; when I was over in her city for work, I saw her with a new guy that she hadn't told me about.

I messaged her to say that I needed to cut contact, to give myself proper time to heal.

The next day, her boyfriend called and threatened me.

-----

It's been a few months since all of that, and I have the opportunity to move to her city for nine months for work.

I find her city triggering, but have to commute once a month for the next nine months anyway, or else move there.

I'm considering moving there, because everyone there has a different accent to mine, the culture is different, and everything about it reminds me of her.

But my family also live sort of close to it, and I want to be able to visit without it triggering me.

I think if I move there, I might make new friends and see that people in this city aren't all like her.

Has anyone ever made a move of this sort, and if so, did you find it healing; or did you feel that it prolonged the pain?

I'm also open to comments from anyone who has an opinion, even if you haven't been in exactly the same situation!

Thanks everyone!

[HoratioX]

I was in a relationship for a few months with a girl who told me she has CPTSD.
She probably does, but I think I spotted a number of BPD traits, and she followed a couple of BPD social media pages.

In our relationship:

- She came on incredibly strongly (which surprised me - I thought she'd be avoidant)
- She led with some really graphic trauma stories
- She sorta seemed like she was instantly in love with me, and flattered me beyond belief
- We sent around 100 texts a day to each other for a number of months (it shocked me when I deleted my messages and realised that); spoke for four hours a week by video call (at least); emailed each other's work emails; and flew to see each other twice a month.

- I moved over for a few weeks to see if we could take things further.

She:

- Regularly got mad at me and swore at me for random things (even if I complimented her, she'd sometimes say things like "I don't give a sh** what you think).
- Told me she could "manipulate the sh** out of you; but I wont." (She did.)
- Drove me off in her car around 11pm, drove me into an abandoned gas station and berated me for an extended period
- Pushed against our agreed sexual boundaries, so that I had to physically push her off me a couple of times (when I asked her to stop, she once said 'no' and carried on).

- She eventually broke up with me because I wanted to spend Christmas with my family rather than her's; and broke up with me again when I couldn't move to her city until a month after she wanted.

It's more complicated than I just described, because she could be really nice; and the trauma stories sorta... left me trying to figure out who she actually was, and what I could/couldn't accommodate.

I did set boundaries, but was always super upset/sometimes angry when I did.

But I definitely could've set better ones.

Eventually, we said "I love you" to each other, and she wanted to get back together.

I told her I thought we should stay friends and try to navigate the toxic patterns in a healthy way; starting slowly then building from there.

She disappeared on me. Then came back. Then disappeared. Then came back.

Then; when I was over in her city for work, I saw her with a new guy that she hadn't told me about.

I messaged her to say that I needed to cut contact, to give myself proper time to heal.

The next day, her boyfriend called and threatened me.

-----

It's been a few months since all of that, and I have the opportunity to move to her city for nine months for work.

I find her city triggering, but have to commute once a month for the next nine months anyway, or else move there.

I'm considering moving there, because everyone there has a different accent to mine, the culture is different, and everything about it reminds me of her.

But my family also live sort of close to it, and I want to be able to visit without it triggering me.

I think if I move there, I might make new friends and see that people in this city aren't all like her.

Has anyone ever made a move of this sort, and if so, did you find it healing; or did you feel that it prolonged the pain?

I'm also open to comments from anyone who has an opinion, even if you haven't been in exactly the same situation!

Thanks everyone!

A lot of what you describe mirrors my experience with an ex with anxiety/CPTSD/borderline (depending on which therapist was diagnosing and how much I believe what she told me). The patterns, especially at the beginning, are remarkably similar.

But, no, I never moved in with her nor changed locations. I did at one point say she could move in with me, but she had seemingly legitimate reasons not to.

I would highly caution anyone from upending or changing their life significantly to be with anyone they might even suspect as these illnesses. Their chaotic behavior combined with their often self-centered and destructive behavior makes for a very bad combination, and because they are driven to make their situation as good as possible -- even if their warped version of what that means is chaos and instability -- it will be the other person who suffers the most. 

The reason I offered to move my ex in is because I cared about and wanted to move the relationship forward. But, at the same time, instinct told me that I had to own the space, and if anyone was going to make such life changes, it would have to be her. If we could get through that, I would be willing to explore the next level. I knew if it blew up, though -- which it did -- I had to at the very least return to where I'd started, which is to say, with my own place, my own stuff, my own identity, and so on. I would have felt differently if I wasn't already picking up vibes from her. I made the right decision.

[SnailShell]

Sounds like you were very wise about it, to be fair!

I’m struggling at the moment - mostly, I think, because that new bf called me and accused me of harassing and stalking her.

The few messages I sent before I cut contact with her were a bit intense - not angry, no swearing, no threats… just trying to explain how her behaviour had impacted me and why I had to cut her off.

And she was replying, but so blankly… like she didn’t care at all…

I came away from it questioning myself though.

Like - DID I harass and stalk her? I didn’t.
But I’m not proud of how I behaved… usually I’m very ‘easy come, easy go’ with girls - the right ones stay, and the ones who don’t shouldn’t be pushed into anything.

But with her, it brought out this kind of… desperate part of me which couldn’t live with being misunderstood - I felt like I needed some kind of nice resolution, even as I was cutting contact.

I didn’t recognise myself there exactly…

—— —

But anyway, the wider question in my post, is - has anyone moved to their city AFTER the breakup and discard etc?

I won’t be going to talk to her - far, far from it.

But I’m commuting there every few weeks for the next nine months, and I wondered if renting a place in her city would - in a funny way - help me to get over it.

To meet nice people in that city who aren’t her… it might help me to see that it really was just a crazy situation, and not something which should define how I see other things/people in life.

[PeteWitsend]

How big of a city are we talking about? 

If it's like NYC, LA, Chicago, Houston, Dallas, etc. the idea you wouldn't have a legit reason to move there and must be stalking her is laughable. 

I wouldn't let the fear of this person (or their boyfriend), or their disordered perception dictate your own actions.  If moving to that city for a job is the best decision for you - financially, career -wise, or to be closer to family, whatever - do it. 

You may want to avoid the neighborhood this BPD-ex lives in, but again, if it's a big enough place, maybe you won't run into them at all?  And if you do?  So what?  You have as much of a right to be there as they do.  Just tell them your in town for business or moved there for a work assignment, or whatever, and keep it short and professional.

I would also block them on social media, their phone number, etc. Cut contact completely, and you can't be accused of stalking, no matter what she claims. 

I read stories on here about people who break up with their BPD-ex, but try to maintain a normal friendship, or at least extend the pwBPD normal courtesies and it's like NO... NO NO... they're not going to respond to those messages like you expect, and any contact whatsoever with a pwBPD is just an invitation to more of the same patterns of drama.  If you keep lines of communication open, you really have your own self to blame for continuing to experience the roller coaster ride.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi.

A move, any move… is a pretty big deal.  At least I believe it is.

Maybe ask yourself if you would be considering relocating to this city for this job if you had never met her.  Maybe THAT is where your answer, and your motivation sits….?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[tina7868]

Has anyone ever made a move of this sort, and if so, did you find it healing; or did you feel that it prolonged the pain?

But anyway, the wider question in my post, is - has anyone moved to their city AFTER the breakup and discard etc?

I did  . It initially prolonged the pain, and ultimately ended up being healing. It wasn`t an easy journey to get there though. 

I`m on my lunch break, and so I will be able to answer properly at another time about my experience.

There are already many responses for you to ponder. It`s good that you are putting thought into this impactful decision. You`ve got this!

[SnailShell]

How big of a city are we talking about? 

If it's like NYC, LA, Chicago, Houston, Dallas, etc. the idea you wouldn't have a legit reason to move there and must be stalking her is laughable. 

I wouldn't let the fear of this person (or their boyfriend), or their disordered perception dictate your own actions.  If moving to that city for a job is the best decision for you - financially, career -wise, or to be closer to family, whatever - do it. 

You may want to avoid the neighborhood this BPD-ex lives in, but again, if it's a big enough place, maybe you won't run into them at all?  And if you do?  So what?  You have as much of a right to be there as they do.  Just tell them your in town for business or moved there for a work assignment, or whatever, and keep it short and professional.

I would also block them on social media, their phone number, etc. Cut contact completely, and you can't be accused of stalking, no matter what she claims. 

I read stories on here about people who break up with their BPD-ex, but try to maintain a normal friendship, or at least extend the pwBPD normal courtesies and it's like NO... NO NO... they're not going to respond to those messages like you expect, and any contact whatsoever with a pwBPD is just an invitation to more of the same patterns of drama.  If you keep lines of communication open, you really have your own self to blame for continuing to experience the roller coaster ride.

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah - I’d be moving from a NYC sized city to a city more like… I don’t know… Portland, Or?

I’m based in Europe though.

There’s also a tight faith based community in that city, which we’d both be a part of (but she seems to avoid a lot of events related to that).

I do feel a bit of concern about her spreading rumours about me, but I trust that people would see my good character and that the mud wouldn’t stick too much.

You are right though - I’ve blocked her on everything now.

I tried to stay friends with her… I think it took me a while to realise that she wasn’t… ‘normal’ in her reactions.

I still feel bad actually, because I don’t hate her or whatever…

But for now, she’s staying blocked (and I think she’s probably blocked me in retaliation now, too)!

[SnailShell]

Hi.

A move, any move… is a pretty big deal.  At least I believe it is.

Maybe ask yourself if you would be considering relocating to this city for this job if you had never met her.  Maybe THAT is where your answer, and your motivation sits….?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Good thinking!

I actually thought of moving there before this girl and I met.

Her living there puts me off… but… I am kind of interested in whether I’d like the city she wasn’t part of my life there…

[SnailShell]

I did  . It initially prolonged the pain, and ultimately ended up being healing. It wasn`t an easy journey to get there though. 

I`m on my lunch break, and so I will be able to answer properly at another time about my experience.

There are already many responses for you to ponder. It`s good that you are putting thought into this impactful decision. You`ve got this!

Thank you!

I’d love to hear more about your experience some time, if you’d like to share it!

[HoratioX]

Sounds like you were very wise about it, to be fair!

I’m struggling at the moment - mostly, I think, because that new bf called me and accused me of harassing and stalking her.

The few messages I sent before I cut contact with her were a bit intense - not angry, no swearing, no threats… just trying to explain how her behaviour had impacted me and why I had to cut her off.

And she was replying, but so blankly… like she didn’t care at all…

I came away from it questioning myself though.

Like - DID I harass and stalk her? I didn’t.
But I’m not proud of how I behaved… usually I’m very ‘easy come, easy go’ with girls - the right ones stay, and the ones who don’t shouldn’t be pushed into anything.

But with her, it brought out this kind of… desperate part of me which couldn’t live with being misunderstood - I felt like I needed some kind of nice resolution, even as I was cutting contact.

I didn’t recognise myself there exactly…

—— —

But anyway, the wider question in my post, is - has anyone moved to their city AFTER the breakup and discard etc?

I won’t be going to talk to her - far, far from it.

But I’m commuting there every few weeks for the next nine months, and I wondered if renting a place in her city would - in a funny way - help me to get over it.

To meet nice people in that city who aren’t her… it might help me to see that it really was just a crazy situation, and not something which should define how I see other things/people in life.

If I read what you wrote correctly, the relationship was "on" again when you texted her to say no contact. If that's the case, then you certainly weren't stalking her. If she'd told you stay away and/or it was over, though, you might well have been seen that way.

This is an important distinction because people with borderline often make up or exaggerate abuse and trauma stories, especially if they're seeing more than one person at the same time or in rapid succession. Sometimes it's just delusional on their part, but more often, it's an attempt to either gaslight someone into thinking they're not cheating or it's an attempt to gain favor with one person over the other. So, for instance, they will run down their ex to their new significant other. This will paint them as the victim, encouraging sympathy and solidarity with their new relationship.

If they're bouncing back and forth between people, or cheating, they will also try to cover their tracks by claiming to each that anyone who calls or they're seen with is an ex stalking them. That makes each more protective of them while also concealing their cheating. The scary thing is not only does that potentially set up conflict or even violence between those significant others, it can destroy their reputations.

Of course, not everyone with anxiety/CPTSD/borderline behaves like this. Many are just people struggling to live with mental illness. But in more extreme cases, particularly of borderline, they can be incredibly destructive to people. Just tour the Web on the subject and you'll see a pattern of stories that probably mirror yours.

[seekingtheway]

My situation is not exactly the same, but I had the opportunity to move away from where my ex lives not that long after we broke up the final time (I've lived here on and off for 20 years, he's been here for the last 6ish). I thought it would be the clean break I needed, and would help with my healing, but I didn't actually want to leave my area. I love where I live, I just felt anxious about being in his vicinity and thought this was a nudge from the universe to leave.

In the end, I got offered a place in the same area and I took it. It's the right thing for my children and I... it wasn't the right time for me to isolate us from people we know and love - we needed community and friends as I healed from the chaos of the last few years, so I'm glad I made the decision, but being in the same vicinity as my ex is less than ideal. I have noticed I am hyper-aware of my surroundings, often scanning around, not entirely comfortable anywhere, a pit of anxiety in my gut. I noticed I was going out less and avoiding my favourite spots... I'm working on it. Working on owning my energy, owning my right to be in my community with my head held high. The anxiety will eventually fade and disappear, but I think my healing would have been softer and faster without the worry of him popping into view every five minutes. I did bump into him and his ex before me... on my birthday... that was painful, and, again, something I could have done without. It would have been better to have a longer period of healing before I had to deal with things like that.

It is something to consider, that moving to her city will potentially trigger you and set you back, at least for a short while. But either way you go, you have the option of making it work for you, by establishing healthy boundaries and using the triggers to grow and move forwards.

[SnailShell]

If I read what you wrote correctly, the relationship was "on" again when you texted her to say no contact. If that's the case, then you certainly weren't stalking her. If she'd told you stay away and/or it was over, though, you might well have been seen that way.

This is an important distinction because people with borderline often make up or exaggerate abuse and trauma stories, especially if they're seeing more than one person at the same time or in rapid succession. Sometimes it's just delusional on their part, but more often, it's an attempt to either gaslight someone into thinking they're not cheating or it's an attempt to gain favor with one person over the other. So, for instance, they will run down their ex to their new significant other. This will paint them as the victim, encouraging sympathy and solidarity with their new relationship.

If they're bouncing back and forth between people, or cheating, they will also try to cover their tracks by claiming to each that anyone who calls or they're seen with is an ex stalking them. That makes each more protective of them while also concealing their cheating. The scary thing is not only does that potentially set up conflict or even violence between those significant others, it can destroy their reputations.

Of course, not everyone with anxiety/CPTSD/borderline behaves like this. Many are just people struggling to live with mental illness. But in more extreme cases, particularly of borderline, they can be incredibly destructive to people. Just tour the Web on the subject and you'll see a pattern of stories that probably mirror yours.

We weren’t ‘on’ exactly, but we were (as far as I knew) on good terms.

She was taking about flying over to see me just three or four weeks before I saw them.

Then she dropped off the radar without explanation - but was still liking my social media posts etc just a few days before I saw them together.

When I was with her, I found a really great, cheap hairdresser in her area, and she lives near a big grocery store.

So when I flew into the city once a month, my routine usually went:

Coffee in central > go to get hair cut > buy food > go to air bnb (which is way outside her area).

I actually asked her a couple of months prior if she was happy for me to keep doing that, because if she wasn’t I’d change my routine, and she said it was fine.

I don’t know the city very well, and I guess it’s nice to have a routine which puts you on ‘autopilot’ when you arrive, and gives you another purpose for being there.

It was such a significant, strange relationship to me (significant in terms of its raw impact), that I guess there was an emotional component to being temporarily in her area; but I guess I figured that it’d maybe help me to desensitise myself somehow.

And I didn’t - even then - realise where the situation would spiral too, and I basically thought her and I were on perfectly good terms - even friendship terms.

A couple of months before, she’d told me that she loved me - and we’d agreed to be friends for a time to see if we could build something healthier in the long run.

She agreed to this, but dropped completely off the radar for a few weeks, and spent the next few messaging very intimately - but then disappearing again.

Each time felt a bit painful and confusing for me.

Sooo… this time when I was in her city, I decided not to ask her if she’d like to meet up - I figured some space would maybe do us both good.

But I did my usual routine, that’s when I saw them, and that’s when the ‘staking’ accusation occurred.

I wasn’t angry with her for having a boyfriend - we’d broken up; I was just hurt because the whole few weeks before had been so confusing.

Suddenly all of her abusive behaviour hit me, her confusing behaviour hit me, the fact that she hadn’t told me even though I felt like I was still being kind of ‘kept on the fishing line’ with periodic lovely messages etc…

That’s when I told her that I’d need to cut contact so I could heal - she seemed really unbothered (though I suspect she was maybe triggered and therefore struggling to emote), but that only hurt more…

I told her I’d found it hurtful, because… I felt I needed to say something to share my side of things.

I didn’t message for a few days, then sent one more message to apologise for being intense the few days before (I didn’t shout, swear or get aggressive, I was just hurt); I let her know that I still needed to cut contact but that I wished her all the best.

The next day her bf called.

He kept telling me that she had anxiety, that I was risking her life(??), that I was stalking and harassing etc… there was a confused pause when I told him I’d only messaged her to cut contact (I don’t think he knew that), then he threatened violence if he saw me again.

I told him I’d call the police if he called again, and he said “I’ll call the police if you text my girlfriend again!”

It was a weird conversation, which ended with him hanging up on me, and me wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into…!

[SnailShell]

My situation is not exactly the same, but I had the opportunity to move away from where my ex lives not that long after we broke up the final time (I've lived here on and off for 20 years, he's been here for the last 6ish). I thought it would be the clean break I needed, and would help with my healing, but I didn't actually want to leave my area. I love where I live, I just felt anxious about being in his vicinity and thought this was a nudge from the universe to leave.

In the end, I got offered a place in the same area and I took it. It's the right thing for my children and I... it wasn't the right time for me to isolate us from people we know and love - we needed community and friends as I healed from the chaos of the last few years, so I'm glad I made the decision, but being in the same vicinity as my ex is less than ideal. I have noticed I am hyper-aware of my surroundings, often scanning around, not entirely comfortable anywhere, a pit of anxiety in my gut. I noticed I was going out less and avoiding my favourite spots... I'm working on it. Working on owning my energy, owning my right to be in my community with my head held high. The anxiety will eventually fade and disappear, but I think my healing would have been softer and faster without the worry of him popping into view every five minutes. I did bump into him and his ex before me... on my birthday... that was painful, and, again, something I could have done without. It would have been better to have a longer period of healing before I had to deal with things like that.

It is something to consider, that moving to her city will potentially trigger you and set you back, at least for a short while. But either way you go, you have the option of making it work for you, by establishing healthy boundaries and using the triggers to grow and move forwards.

This is helpful, thank you!

I get it though - when I’m in her city for work, I find myself scanning the crowd to see if she’s there.

I wouldn’t want to see her now - not in a million years - but there’s always that kinda… hyper vigilant feeling.

Luckily she doesn’t leave her area much, so I don’t think I will see her, but I understand that sense of “Are they round here… will I bump into them…?”

It isn’t fair really - they’re the ones who’ve been confusing… continuing to live under the shadow of it… it isn’t right.

But it is totally understandable, and probably natural to an extent.

[seekingtheway]

I get that it doesn't always make sense, and is highly frustrating and upsetting that you get to a point where you're being threatened to stay away when surely you'd think it would be the other way around, but that's the complicated way that break-ups go sometimes... perceptions are so, so different on either side of the fence – even more so when there is BPD involved.

I'm sure that my ex thinks that I stalked and harassed him as well, but the irony is he used to do some actual stalking in some of the (many) make-up/break-up cycles, and he was the one to approach me every time... but similar to you, I felt the need to set the record straight about where we stood and say how I felt at the very end. That stuff doesn't tend to go well... which I think is just a reflection of the complex dynamics of these relationships. It sounds like, for now, you both know where you stand, which is that neither of you wants any contact. And whatever story she's told herself and her new partner is kind of secondary to that – that is where she stands, and that is where you stand.

Yeah, I think it would be normal for your hypervigilance to be turned on if you end up making the move there - and I guess that's something to weigh up carefully - do the benefits of moving there outweigh the disadvantages to your nervous system/healing?

[SnailShell]

I get that it doesn't always make sense, and is highly frustrating and upsetting that you get to a point where you're being threatened to stay away when surely you'd think it would be the other way around, but that's the complicated way that break-ups go sometimes... perceptions are so, so different on either side of the fence – even more so when there is BPD involved.

I'm sure that my ex thinks that I stalked and harassed him as well, but the irony is he used to do some actual stalking in some of the (many) make-up/break-up cycles, and he was the one to approach me every time... but similar to you, I felt the need to set the record straight about where we stood and say how I felt at the very end. That stuff doesn't tend to go well... which I think is just a reflection of the complex dynamics of these relationships. It sounds like, for now, you both know where you stand, which is that neither of you wants any contact. And whatever story she's told herself and her new partner is kind of secondary to that – that is where she stands, and that is where you stand.

Yeah, I think it would be normal for your hypervigilance to be turned on if you end up making the move there - and I guess that's something to weigh up carefully - do the benefits of moving there outweigh the disadvantages to your nervous system/healing?

Sorry to hear you went through that - jeez!

My ex never stalked me, but she did look up a lot of personal info online (she found family information etc, before I'd told her). And boundaries just kinda... didn't exist for her.

It hurts to be accused of that - not least because I really *really* tried to be safe for her. Which sometimes resulted in me biting my tongue when I really should've spoken up.

At the time, I thought "If I create a safe space here, she'll flourish."

I heard all of her past horror stories, and the person in front of me didn't seem to match the person who'd apparently been so unfairly rejected  by other people.

I do kind of regret 'telling her some home truths' when I cut contact, but also... I'd totally sidelined myself by the end.

People kept telling me she was being abusive, and eventually I realised they were right...

And I think it was me  kinda... 'reclaiming my voice' or whatever.

The end result is that... I don't really hate her, I actually think she's alright really.

But I didn't feel safe, and I felt I'd regret I if I didn't tell her how I felt about things.

Buy you're right - I need to weigh things up.

I'm just a little tired of my NYC size city - I'm ready for a change, I think. I just wish that her city wasn't the main option!!

[tina7868]

It's been a few months since all of that, and I have the opportunity to move to her city for nine months for work.

I find her city triggering, but have to commute once a month for the next nine months anyway, or else move there.

I'm considering moving there, because everyone there has a different accent to mine, the culture is different, and everything about it reminds me of her.

But my family also live sort of close to it, and I want to be able to visit without it triggering me.

I think if I move there, I might make new friends and see that people in this city aren't all like her.

Has anyone ever made a move of this sort, and if so, did you find it healing; or did you feel that it prolonged the pain?

It`s a good excercise for me to summarize my story, hopefully it helps in some way!

First off, it sounds like you experienced an emotional rollercoaster! I`m sorry that you went through all of that - as you can tell, a lot of us here can relate.

I knew my ex for 8 years. We started dating when we were in university, and he was my first relationship (and only serious one in my life to date). We both brought emotional baggage and immaturity to the relationship, and there was conflict between him and my family due to cultural differences. Throw in his BPD and my (not so long ago diagnosed) OCD, which was triggered and made worse by the toxicity of the relationship, and you have a recipe for a bad time to say the least. I loved him very much, in the best way I could. I think he loved me too, for a while. We broke up after a short lived engagement, because the demands my family placed on him seemed unfair even to me. I wasn`t ready to stand up to my family about what I wanted, and I was afraid that they`d cut me off.

He then moved to the other side of the country.

This is when things took both a worse, and ultimately better, turn for me. I believed that the reason we broke up was my family, but that the love between us was real and special. So, I felt incredibly motivated to pursue a career that gave me both financial stability and the flexibility to find work anywhere. I wanted to be independent. I moved out (still in my own city), studied. I started living the life I wanted without cultural restrictions. On the other hand, I stayed in contact with my ex, who would block me on and off for a variety of reasons. These cycles drained me. He would reinitiate contact with me. We acted in many ways as a couple, but there was no commitment. He said just enough to lead me on, but to be completely transparent, I let myself believe him and ignored a lot of warning signs. It was my dream to move out and be with him when I finished my degree. He shared this dream with me for a time, or at least it seemed like it. I couldn`t visit because I was still living with my parents.

Meanwhile, he had been dating, and ultimately had a girlfriend. I had just graduated, and was deciding where to apply for my first job. I could go anywhere. Despite him being in a relationship, I also moved to the other side of the country. I am not in his city. I live in the `bigger` city, and he is about a 2 hour plane ride away, in more of a town. But, I`m certainly closer than I was before. There were other things about this city that I liked: more activities in alignment with my interests like hiking, good training in my profession. I would have wanted to move anyways, to experience life away from my family. But, deep down, I believed that the physical distance between us was the biggest reason that we couldn`t make it work, and if I was closer, then things would fall into place, or at least there would be a better chance at it.

I was wrong. He did seek me out many times for comfort. When his relationship ended, he visited me. This was about 9 months after I had moved. I was so excited, but I ended up kicking him out  . There was such a big contrast between the dream that I had build up in my head, and the person who was in front of me. I felt like he was wasting my time. It has taken me a while to grieve the end of my dream, and I`m not fully there yet, but I can confidently say that I am in a much better place.

I am happy with my choice to move. That being said, there is very little chance of me running into him here. I do hear the name of his city often, because it`s close, and I used to feel triggered, until I decided to plan a roadtrip there with some friends to make new, better associations with the place. I enjoy my work, I am learning about who I am, I am trying new things. I am independent, and I chose who I let into my life. I don`t think that this was the only path forward in my healing, but it ended up working out in ways that I couldn`t have thought of. I learned what my boundaries were.

Your story will be different. It seems like you`d be in closer proximity to your ex than I was.

Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself on what your motivations are. Put all the odds in your favour to come out with good results. Consider a variety of factors. Whatever choice you make, you`ll learn. That`s what life is about.

[SnailShell]

It`s a good excercise for me to summarize my story, hopefully it helps in some way!

First off, it sounds like you experienced an emotional rollercoaster! I`m sorry that you went through all of that - as you can tell, a lot of us here can relate.

I knew my ex for 8 years. We started dating when we were in university, and he was my first relationship (and only serious one in my life to date). We both brought emotional baggage and immaturity to the relationship, and there was conflict between him and my family due to cultural differences. Throw in his BPD and my (not so long ago diagnosed) OCD, which was triggered and made worse by the toxicity of the relationship, and you have a recipe for a bad time to say the least. I loved him very much, in the best way I could. I think he loved me too, for a while. We broke up after a short lived engagement, because the demands my family placed on him seemed unfair even to me. I wasn`t ready to stand up to my family about what I wanted, and I was afraid that they`d cut me off.

He then moved to the other side of the country.

This is when things took both a worse, and ultimately better, turn for me. I believed that the reason we broke up was my family, but that the love between us was real and special. So, I felt incredibly motivated to pursue a career that gave me both financial stability and the flexibility to find work anywhere. I wanted to be independent. I moved out (still in my own city), studied. I started living the life I wanted without cultural restrictions. On the other hand, I stayed in contact with my ex, who would block me on and off for a variety of reasons. These cycles drained me. He would reinitiate contact with me. We acted in many ways as a couple, but there was no commitment. He said just enough to lead me on, but to be completely transparent, I let myself believe him and ignored a lot of warning signs. It was my dream to move out and be with him when I finished my degree. He shared this dream with me for a time, or at least it seemed like it. I couldn`t visit because I was still living with my parents.

Meanwhile, he had been dating, and ultimately had a girlfriend. I had just graduated, and was deciding where to apply for my first job. I could go anywhere. Despite him being in a relationship, I also moved to the other side of the country. I am not in his city. I live in the `bigger` city, and he is about a 2 hour plane ride away, in more of a town. But, I`m certainly closer than I was before. There were other things about this city that I liked: more activities in alignment with my interests like hiking, good training in my profession. I would have wanted to move anyways, to experience life away from my family. But, deep down, I believed that the physical distance between us was the biggest reason that we couldn`t make it work, and if I was closer, then things would fall into place, or at least there would be a better chance at it.

I was wrong. He did seek me out many times for comfort. When his relationship ended, he visited me. This was about 9 months after I had moved. I was so excited, but I ended up kicking him out  . There was such a big contrast between the dream that I had build up in my head, and the person who was in front of me. I felt like he was wasting my time. It has taken me a while to grieve the end of my dream, and I`m not fully there yet, but I can confidently say that I am in a much better place.

I am happy with my choice to move. That being said, there is very little chance of me running into him here. I do hear the name of his city often, because it`s close, and I used to feel triggered, until I decided to plan a roadtrip there with some friends to make new, better associations with the place. I enjoy my work, I am learning about who I am, I am trying new things. I am independent, and I chose who I let into my life. I don`t think that this was the only path forward in my healing, but it ended up working out in ways that I couldn`t have thought of. I learned what my boundaries were.

Your story will be different. It seems like you`d be in closer proximity to your ex than I was.

Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself on what your motivations are. Put all the odds in your favour to come out with good results. Consider a variety of factors. Whatever choice you make, you`ll learn. That`s what life is about.

Thanks for sharing this, and like everyone else, your experience sure sounds like a rollercoaster!

The blocking/unblocking thing is horrible... it can really put a person on edge.

I'm glad to hear that you've been healing nicely though - that's great!

I feel like I have been healing too over the last few weeks.

I've been speaking with a great therapist, and although I've had some ups and downs, I've generally been really good - over the last few days especially.

Although I have to admit - I had a phone call from the area code of her city earlier. It was just a spam call, but I thought it might be her bf calling again.

I was ready to talk to him and call the police after, but for sure it put me on edge for a moment.

So it's obviously still in my system; but I can honestly say - right now - that I don't want her back.

I want to be with someone I enjoy talking to.

I don't think I even enjoyed talking to her most of the time... it's not like we had a ton to say... she was always on edge, always hyper vigilant, always serious looking... when she did laugh and gossip, it wasn't long before she'd start being quite mean and petty about people...

She is a nice person at heart, but... all of the intense emotions, physical stuff, and extreme swings intoxicated me more than it actually provoked any kind of love - if you know what I mean!

[tina7868]

It sounds like you are on the path forward towards growth and progress. You are putting in the effort, through therapy and reflection, and it shows! Don`t be put off if it isn`t a linear path - that`s part of the process!

Where are your thoughts at presently regarding the situation?

[SnailShell]

It sounds like you are on the path forward towards growth and progress. You are putting in the effort, through therapy and reflection, and it shows! Don`t be put off if it isn`t a linear path - that`s part of the process!

Where are your thoughts at presently regarding the situation?

Thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement!

I for sure feel a lot better about things in general, though I do still have off days now and then.

I'm back in her city in about a week, so that'll be a test of where I'm at in my process, I guess...

I had an interesting therapy session on Thursday, where the therapist made a throwaway comment about feeling safe and steady - coming back to a place of solid ground to build from.

And that seemed pertinent to this decision (though we were actually speaking in a more general sense at that point).

I don't really have a solid place to stay in her city, although I have had some online viewings.

I also don't have solid work or much in the way of a network etc.

So I figured that... although I feel really ready to leave my current city, and although I'd like to spend more time in her city (for reasons outside of her); I figured... maybe waiting a couple more months might give things a further opportunity to settle, for me to heal, and for me to line things up a bit better.

I don't know if I'm making excuses, or kinda... being a wimp or whatever, but I *think* it's about right.

Once I've left my current city, I may not be back for a time; so I can spend a bit more time enjoying time there before rushing on.

The only thing I would say, is that I'm currently flatmates with someone who has quite severe ADHD.

None of the flatmates knew that when she moved in, we've asked her to leave after some really erratic behaviour, and now we've heard reports on the grapevine that she might be tempted to harm herself etc.

SOOO... I'm spending more time than I'd like at my mum's house right now, because all the other options feel chaotic, and not very restful.

Unfortunately, this flat mate happens to be female also; and I am kinda trying to surround myself with safe girls/women at the moment as I rebuild my confidence again - but I guess life rarely works exactly as you want it to...!!

Life feels like a big old grey area/transitional phase for me at the moment...

[tina7868]

I'm back in her city in about a week, so that'll be a test of where I'm at in my process, I guess...

For sure, it`ll be an opportunity to pay attention to your feelings, without judgement, to gauge where you stand.

I had an interesting therapy session on Thursday, where the therapist made a throwaway comment about feeling safe and steady - coming back to a place of solid ground to build from.

And that seemed pertinent to this decision (though we were actually speaking in a more general sense at that point).

I don't really have a solid place to stay in her city, although I have had some online viewings.

I also don't have solid work or much in the way of a network etc.

So I figured that... although I feel really ready to leave my current city, and although I'd like to spend more time in her city (for reasons outside of her); I figured... maybe waiting a couple more months might give things a further opportunity to settle, for me to heal, and for me to line things up a bit better.

I don't know if I'm making excuses, or kinda... being a wimp or whatever, but I *think* it's about right.

Trust how you feel. It isn`t a matter of making excuses. You will learn regardless of what path you choose to take. What`s important is shifting the perspective more and more towards yourself and what your needs and desires are.

SOOO... I'm spending more time than I'd like at my mum's house right now, because all the other options feel chaotic, and not very restful.

Unfortunately, this flat mate happens to be female also; and I am kinda trying to surround myself with safe girls/women at the moment as I rebuild my confidence again - but I guess life rarely works exactly as you want it to...!!

Life feels like a big old grey area/transitional phase for me at the moment...

It can be hard not to have a restful space to call your own where you can find peace. I`m sorry.

Hopefully your flat mate finds the help she needs! Mental ill health affects people of all ages and genders. I`d say to focus on creating that sense of safety within yourself, as you seem to be doing through therapy and posting here.

You make a good point - life doesn`t work out exactly as you want it to. And yet, looking back, sometimes it turns out that what we really wanted wasn`t at all what we needed. In fact, sometimes everything comes together better than we could have imagined if we had to opportunity to plot it all out. We only want what we know, and life still has a lot of good things to show you I bet. It`s normal to feel lost, uncomfortable during a transitional phase in life. That`s when the power of perspective comes into play. You`ll learn and grow. Trust that things will work out and keep your head up. You`ve got this!

[SnailShell]

For sure, it`ll be an opportunity to pay attention to your feelings, without judgement, to gauge where you stand.

Trust how you feel. It isn`t a matter of making excuses. You will learn regardless of what path you choose to take. What`s important is shifting the perspective more and more towards yourself and what your needs and desires are.

It can be hard not to have a restful space to call your own where you can find peace. I`m sorry.

Hopefully your flat mate finds the help she needs! Mental ill health affects people of all ages and genders. I`d say to focus on creating that sense of safety within yourself, as you seem to be doing through therapy and posting here.

You make a good point - life doesn`t work out exactly as you want it to. And yet, looking back, sometimes it turns out that what we really wanted wasn`t at all what we needed. In fact, sometimes everything comes together better than we could have imagined if we had to opportunity to plot it all out. We only want what we know, and life still has a lot of good things to show you I bet. It`s normal to feel lost, uncomfortable during a transitional phase in life. That`s when the power of perspective comes into play. You`ll learn and grow. Trust that things will work out and keep your head up. You`ve got this!

Yeah, thank you - I need to get better at not judging my feelings.

It’s too easy for me to enter into wrestling matches with myself, which I don’t think helps, but it seems to happen before I’ve even noticed that it’s happening!

I appreciate your message - I guess things will just take a little time to straighten out.

I have a few difficult decisions to make in the coming weeks too, but I trust things will come together before too long (hopefully)!

[PeteWitsend]

Yeah, thank you - I need to get better at not judging my feelings.

It’s too easy for me to enter into wrestling matches with myself, which I don’t think helps, but it seems to happen before I’ve even noticed that it’s happening!

I appreciate your message - I guess things will just take a little time to straighten out.

I have a few difficult decisions to make in the coming weeks too, but I trust things will come together before too long (hopefully)!

On the issue of "wrestling matches" with oneself, I feel like I had to learn not to do that as well.  I spent a lot of time grappling over whether I was doing the right thing, or was being fair.  I realized that my partner at the time was NOT doing this herself... quite the contrary.  She never considered how her behavior appeared to me, or whether it was fair to me or not (or to any of my extended family she picked fights with, or our daughter...) 

I also realized this was an issue I had in general: I would feel guilty about expressing my own needs, or taking what I needed.  I felt like I needed a reason to justify my behavior.  Sometimes it's okay to just eat because you're hungry, you know?  It's fine to say, "I don't like how you behaved" or "I don't like what you said to me" and end it.  Sure, a pwBPD won't like that, and will have 1,000 reasons why it's selfish when you look after your needs, but not when they do... but THAT'S really the crux of the matter.  A non-disordered partner will apologize and back down, and you'll get the result you want.  A pwBPD will not, and this gets you to where you need to be to end the relationship over a personal boundary, and avoid the extended entanglement and wasted time with a pwBPD. 

Being a stoic in a relationship with a pwBPD doesn't get you any rewards, philosophical or moral, it just gets you an endless stream of grief! 

[SnailShell]

On the issue of "wrestling matches" with oneself, I feel like I had to learn not to do that as well.  I spent a lot of time grappling over whether I was doing the right thing, or was being fair.  I realized that my partner at the time was NOT doing this herself... quite the contrary.  She never considered how her behavior appeared to me, or whether it was fair to me or not (or to any of my extended family she picked fights with, or our daughter...) 

I also realized this was an issue I had in general: I would feel guilty about expressing my own needs, or taking what I needed.  I felt like I needed a reason to justify my behavior.  Sometimes it's okay to just eat because you're hungry, you know?  It's fine to say, "I don't like how you behaved" or "I don't like what you said to me" and end it.  Sure, a pwBPD won't like that, and will have 1,000 reasons why it's selfish when you look after your needs, but not when they do... but THAT'S really the crux of the matter.  A non-disordered partner will apologize and back down, and you'll get the result you want.  A pwBPD will not, and this gets you to where you need to be to end the relationship over a personal boundary, and avoid the extended entanglement and wasted time with a pwBPD. 

Being a stoic in a relationship with a pwBPD doesn't get you any rewards, philosophical or moral, it just gets you an endless stream of grief! 

Yeah, I totally get this!

One of the reasons I blocked her on everything in the end, is because… I’d just heard so many stories from her about how:

‘This person did this to me; this person did that. I cut my family off, and demanded that they go to counselling before I’d talk to them again.

I know we never fully know the truth of these situations, but my friend knew her sister (which is random, because they both live in the same town about five hundred miles from where I am).
My ex didn’t know that, and the stories that I heard about her sister didn’t match up with what my friend said.

I dunno… my ex had been through a heck of a lot of trauma - some of it extreme and severe.

So I really empathise… but man… I eventually had this feeling like -

“Who is this girl who demands so *so* much from everyone in her life, but who always has a reason why the rules don’t apply to her”

She’d joke to me about manipulation, or having people wrapped around her little finger; and she’d joke about her things were unfair between us - how it was one rule for her and another for me.

^ She’d make these jokes about trivial things, and they COULD pass for a joke… but eventually… I started to feel like

“No… something isnt right here, and I don’t think I’m imagining it.”

My therapist suggested that there was a lot of gaslighting in our relationship - some of it I missed completely.

Eventually, after all that, I just thought…

“No - I don’t want to cut her off, I don’t want to let her down… but she’s left me feeling cold and lonely one too many times. My heart has broken over this once too often… and here she is cutting people off, blaming people, and acting completely oblivious to the way she treats people. I need to draw a line here.”

I wanted to show her that I wasn’t going to be messed around - even if she’d done it to other people.

It was too little, too late really - she’d already messed me around and dropped me by then, but at least I stood up for myself somehow - even if it I was a bit late in the day.

I told her it was because I felt she’d kept dropping me and picking me up again whenever it was convenient for her; I gave her two days to apologise, and when I didn’t hear from her again, I wished her all the best and left.

Who knows, maybe she’ll think back it it one day, and it’ll be a wake up call.

I doubt it though - three months after that happened, she was already engaged to someone else!

[SnailShell]

Just journalling an update here.

I’m in her city for three days for work.

It’s okay - it’s been worse!

It’s still a bit hard though.

I get some kinda amnesia when I’m here… suddenly everyone has her accent, people dress like her… people have her mannerisms…

And i start to wonder… I remember the idealised version of her, and I wish I could have her here to hold me again.

Logic tells me that I don’t really miss her, but my feelings say different.

I forget things like her dumping me, saying she needs space, and then texting me every day the following week when I was on holiday; saying things like

‘If you don’t text me first, I’m just going to emotionally shut down.’

Only to tell me that she’d actually dated two other guys in the time she I was telling me I had to text her to keep her around… a week after she dumped me saying she needed space…

Ach… it was vile… so so painful… and it all comes back when I’m here.

Hope I can work through it!

[PeteWitsend]

pwBPD test the non-disordered partner constantly to see how much they can get away with.

And if you've been "rasied right," taught to see the good in people, and accept people's faults, well, it's like unknowingly walking into a spider web... you're going right into a trap of sorts.

One thing I've learned is that people who've suffered a lot of childhood trauma aren't automatically deserving of any sympathy... or help.  or concern.  sometimes it makes them into monsters, inflicting that same degree of trauma on everyone that gets close to them. 

Stop looking for the good in them... it's a fool's errand.  Accept how they've treated you and behaved.  They already showed you who they are.

It's sad, but life's really too short to do anything about it.  Just avoid them as best you can and help others you meet out of similar jams.

[SnailShell]

pwBPD test the non-disordered partner constantly to see how much they can get away with.

And if you've been "rasied right," taught to see the good in people, and accept people's faults, well, it's like unknowingly walking into a spider web... you're going right into a trap of sorts.

One thing I've learned is that people who've suffered a lot of childhood trauma aren't automatically deserving of any sympathy... or help.  or concern.  sometimes it makes them into monsters, inflicting that same degree of trauma on everyone that gets close to them. 

Stop looking for the good in them... it's a fool's errand.  Accept how they've treated you and behaved.  They already showed you who they are.

It's sad, but life's really too short to do anything about it.  Just avoid them as best you can and help others you meet out of similar jams.

Yeah, y’know - a very distant friend of mine has a Bpd diagnosis.

After this other girl and I broke up, I tentatively asked my friend if she’d mind talking about it.

This friend has a fiancé, with a kid on the way and is in a really stable place.

Their attitude to their challenges is *totally* different to my ex’s - it’s night and day.

They’re completely transparent, totally challengeable, they work on DBT workbooks every day, their fiancé’s family can challenge her behaviour any time they like and she won’t argue with them.

She wants to be a coach/mentor to other girls with a BPD diagnosis.

I’ve learned to see it a bit like addiction - someone can make all sorts of excuses, justifications and obfuscations for their behaviour. They can have blind spots and distorted thought patterns.

And they *have* to show that they’re really, seriously serious about getting well - and they have to have been in a good place for some time. And even then, it takes a lot of caution and care.

If they’re rushing the relationship, or being otherwise slippery or difficult, they’re not taking it seriously enough and it won’t work.

There’s a certain harshness required, and a healthy caution and distance needed - rather than some kind of love drunk romance.

I suppose I’m trying to focus on being that way myself too - taking responsibility for my own crap and working on myself - I don’t want to accidentally be a hypocrite.

But yeah - you’re right.

Thanks for the encouragement!
It means a lot, sitting here in a coffee shop in her home town…!!

[PeteWitsend]

..:
I suppose I’m trying to focus on being that way myself too - taking responsibility for my own crap and working on myself - I don’t want to accidentally be a hypocrite.

...

Well, looking out for yourself and drawing and enforcing personal boundaries is all well and good.  If your not used to doing them, sometimes it may seem selfish to you.  And a pwBPD will of course try to paint it that way. 

But something  someone more knowledgeable about BPD shared with me a long time ago was that we ALL may display BPD characteristics some times, especially when we're teenagers and more susceptible to mood swings.  That's why it isn't diagnosed - if it ever is - until adulthood.  And pwBPD display these traits persistently and more extreme  degrees than other people. 

I also have to remind myself not to "respond in kind" when BPDxw does or says something awful.  Sometimes it's a fine line between maintaining a boundary and being aggressive back. 

[SnailShell]

Well, looking out for yourself and drawing and enforcing personal boundaries is all well and good.  If your not used to doing them, sometimes it may seem selfish to you.  And a pwBPD will of course try to paint it that way. 

But something  someone more knowledgeable about BPD shared with me a long time ago was that we ALL may display BPD characteristics some times, especially when we're teenagers and more susceptible to mood swings.  That's why it isn't diagnosed - if it ever is - until adulthood.  And pwBPD display these traits persistently and more extreme  degrees than other people. 

I also have to remind myself not to "respond in kind" when BPDxw does or says something awful.  Sometimes it's a fine line between maintaining a boundary and being aggressive back. 

Yeah, that’s a helpful reminder!

D’ah, I dunno.

I don’t know the right answer to any of this stuff really.

I’ve been in her home city this weekend, and it’s actually been a lot easier than I was worried that it would be.

But man… I do question myself a bit more when I’m over here.

I remember the good over the bad, and I remember that I actually like her as a person - it’s just some of the behaviours that became too tough to handle.

Then I remember how ‘in the situation’ that I was… how it filled my head and my heart.

How I was carrying trauma stories that I wasn’t prepared, trained or even really consenting to carry.

How I’d cry on the bus when I thought of the things she’d told me about her history… and then I think:

“COULD I have dealt with it better? COULD I have been kinder? DID I have to cut her off, or could I have managed my emotions better, stayed friends from a distance and just had things ‘nice’ as acquaintances?”

I just felt consistently poorly treated… how she would text me when it seemed convenient for her after we broke up, but how she’d drop me when it didn’t.

How she said she was planning on flying to visit, and then how she changed her plans pretty last minute, not telling me that she’d found a new guy.

How she still stayed in touch a bit while that was going on, and how I found out because I saw them out together - and how unbothered she seemed that I’d found out that way.

And how when I told her I’d have to cut contact, I got a threatening call from her new bf - who didn’t even realise I was cutting contact, and who thought I was harassing her and being nasty (so who knows what she told him).

And I still don’t *really* blame her when I’m in this mood, because I see that she just struggles a lot.

So how do you hold all of this in tension?

I just don’t know the right answer, or if I even did the right thing in the end… it’s tough, having to cut someone off… it’s not really my usual style at all…

[tina7868]

I don’t know the right answer to any of this stuff really.

That`s understandable and completely okay. Be patient with yourself. Everyone has their own process. And part of that process is the very back and forth that you describe taking place in your head. Don`t add to your mental load by having the additional burden of being frustrated that the way you see the situation isn`t constant. It really hasn`t been that long, in the grand scheme of things, since all of this unfolded for you. Give yourself time.

Things are not black and white. She struggles a lot and she did not treat you well. You have good memories with her and she didn`t consider your feelings. You let go of the tension by realizing that different elements can coexist.

Ultimately, you took action because you had enough. The alternative might have been repeating the cycle over again - having some positive interactions that are outweighed by negative ones which leave you feeling disregarded and wanting to cut things off.

I can relate a lot to how you are feeling. I also dislike the idea of cutting someone off - it doesn`t sit well with me. But I reached the limit of what I could tolerate and had to take action to protect myself.  I got fed up. Still, I doubted myself later, and what someone told me was `don`t doubt what you did. you did it knowing something you`re only beginning to understand`. Things will unfold that will help with your perspective. The discomfort that you feel right now won`t last forever.

[SnailShell]

That`s understandable and completely okay. Be patient with yourself. Everyone has their own process. And part of that process is the very back and forth that you describe taking place in your head. Don`t add to your mental load by having the additional burden of being frustrated that the way you see the situation isn`t constant. It really hasn`t been that long, in the grand scheme of things, since all of this unfolded for you. Give yourself time.

Things are not black and white. She struggles a lot and she did not treat you well. You have good memories with her and she didn`t consider your feelings. You let go of the tension by realizing that different elements can coexist.

Ultimately, you took action because you had enough. The alternative might have been repeating the cycle over again - having some positive interactions that are outweighed by negative ones which leave you feeling disregarded and wanting to cut things off.

I can relate a lot to how you are feeling. I also dislike the idea of cutting someone off - it doesn`t sit well with me. But I reached the limit of what I could tolerate and had to take action to protect myself.  I got fed up. Still, I doubted myself later, and what someone told me was `don`t doubt what you did. you did it knowing something you`re only beginning to understand`. Things will unfold that will help with your perspective. The discomfort that you feel right now won`t last forever.

Thank you - this is really helpful!

Especially the last couple of paragraphs.

I guess you're right - if I hadn't, we might have been okay as acquaintances; but I had visions of her coming back after she'd broken up with the guy without even telling me the relationship had happened.

Or her getting in touch (or not), and her setting the tone for all of the interactions and be only being able to 'go with' whatever her mood was on the day.

Or me always trying to work out where she was at, and where we were at.

Because that had been happening for the couple of months up until I saw her with her new bf (she sent all kinds of messages, and told me she was going to fly over to see me just a few weeks before I saw them together).

Either that, or the best case scenario might only be as good as me feeling unseen, disrespected, and as though I'd completely neglected to speak up for myself while she took full advantage.

I guess... by that time, I just felt SO confused, so taken advantage of, and so... 'walked over'... I just HAD to show the impact it'd had on me, and I had to protect myself.

So yeah, perhaps your right.

Perhaps the alternatives would've been unhealthier (and maybe for both of us).

At the time, my brother said to me "You shouldn't try to force a good outcome here - sometimes a bad one is a much more honest reflection of what the relationship really was".

And maybe being as truthful as you can is the best opportunity to have some kind of good come out of things.

Hopefully for both people... hopefully she'll be okay too.

But here and now, I need to focus on myself and heal properly