Feeling lost and hurt need some help

[LittleBroken]

My wife has BPD and she has been having a lot “melt downs” for lack of a better word. She has isolted me a lot from my friends and family. In fact she has pushed my family ao far that they dont really want anything to do with her. Then when i go spend time with them and come home she has a huge blowout about it .
Lately whenever she has a breakdown she says we need a divorce and dat she is done with me.i mostly remain calm and try talking to her but nothing i say matters it makea her scream and really loose it.we havr been together for 13 years and i kive her endlessly but i just dont know what to do anymore.
She refuses to go for therapy and when i bring it up it causes a huge fight and she says i think she is crazy and i am trying to control her.
I am so lost and hurt, i feel like i always need to choose bwtween my family and her and when i choose to see my damily it causes a huge thing. Worst is she keeps telling me She is not keeping me from my family and i can see them and stay as long as i need or want but then when i get home all hell breaks looseZ she knows where I am who i am with amd what i am doing bit this seems to not make any difference at all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi LittleBroken and

Glad you found us and felt ready to share what's going on in your life. Isolation from family relationships can happen when your partner struggles with BPD. Often people think if they just give in, that will "finally make the pwBPD happy" when instead, as you're experiencing, no amount of you giving up your family will "make" the pwBPD feel better or different.

What do you think her grievance is about your family? Is it about a specific person ("you know I hate your dad"), about spending time with them in general ("you always spend more time with them than with me"), about jealousy/comparison ("you'll just think I'm horrible after you visit your perfect family" or "you always take their side instead of mine"), or something else?

I'm not saying she's right or accurate about if any of those are going on... I'm more trying to get a sense of how she sees things. It sounds like it's been a long-time pain point between you two, so understanding everyone's perspectives/complaints is important for the two of you to break this cycle of repetitive argument.

I think I'm tracking with you that you do go see your family anyway? That can be a good thing. It sounds like the bigger issue is how she responds when you get back?

And one last question -- do the two of you have any kids, and if so, how old are they?

Thirteen years is a long relationship; you two definitely didn't get here overnight, so while positive change is very possible, just know it can take a bit of time. There is hope, though, as you learn the new (and often unintuitive) tools and skills here. You can have a more livable relationship 

Fill us in on the details, whenever works best for you;

kells76