Not adding up

[Bowman]

Unsure what to do, as things seem to be deteriorating, and there is nothing I can do at the distances I have been kept physically and emotionally.


My wife has still not filed for a divorce. She demanded that I file it, but I told her that I refuse to do so, as it is not what I want and it breaks me to contemplate it, despite our five months of separation. Truly I still wish to be with her and be her husband, despite everything which has happened.


I am writing again as things have devolved for my wife while she had been living with her mother and brother. To recap, my wife got into a physical fight with her brother within weeks of having come home, and now that I have been in contact with her brother, it appears that trend has continued.


After my wife received all her things that I had packed and shipped with the help of her mother, the cyber stalking and harassment I was experiencing diminished, but did not cease. Shortly after that my wife’s brother contacted me, and our dialogue regarding my wife having left and her mental state began. He had contacted me as he was now the focus of my wife’s cyberstalking and harassment. My wife’s brother likely became the target as he was calling out her more destructive and incoherent behaviors, generally doing so in a kind and constructive manner as well. His concern grew as her responses became more unhinged, eventually reaching the fever pitch of my wife stalking her brother across the internet and invading his spaces there, and from what we can surmise, through their home router, messing with his devices which connect to the internet.


These actions came to a head with my wife’s mother having a conversation with both her and her brother to settle the contention. My wife’s brother had been collecting evidence with respect to the harassment and hacking and had been planning on filing a indictment and police report, but had refrained. The conversation went poorly, my wife did not acknowledge or admit to having done anything or the other man having done any thing (who has claimed to be a hacker and dangerous). To my knowledge things boiled over, my wife’s brother left for a matter of weeks. And, my wife was asked to move out of her mother’s place if she could not resolve the issues at hand with her brother. My wife has moved in with her grandmother, and her brother has filed an indictment and a restraining order.


I am fearful of my wife’s actions destroying her last safety net. Her relationship with her mother and brother are clearly strained. And, I know that her uncle who lives with her grandmother, who she now lives with too, is a very combative person—my wife and him had got into a physical fight before we had met. I’m not sure who to talk to in her family, despite my wife’s lies about me, I am still relatively certain that her grandmother’s opinion of me hasn’t changed and likely her mother’s hasn’t either. That opinion being, that I am a good man, and have been a good partner to my wife. My last communication with her grandmother was in August talking to her about the events transpiring where my wife abandoned me prior to having to put my family dog down and leave for my sister’s wedding, and my last communication with my wife’s mother was late December providing a warning that my harassment has continued but that all of the automated calls were addressed to her name and not mine.


Also, to add, my wife’s brother has informed me of the other man’s details, and it really appears to be cat-fishing on some level. To his knowledge the other man does not hold a job, lives with his parents, demonstrates physical violence when frustrated or angry, claims to have hacked ‘the government’ and is ‘wanted’, is working on certifications to make more money (despite not being employed, and being in his presumably late 20’s). I’m concerned that my wife is being manipulated and being lied to, as the only real thing I know about the other man is he is a liar and a scammer. I do expect this ‘relationship’ to fizzle, as it appears to only exist in an online capacity and the other man doesn’t appear to have the means or motivation to make things more than that. But, he serves as another voice I her head, feeding into the antagonism she acts on towards her family. My wife’s brother states he has expressed hate towards my wife’s family, despite not having met any of them, or my wife for that matter—so I am certain he drives her negative emotions towards her family, and he was likely the primary driver for how things got explosive between my wife and I in August.


What caused me to come back to here for advice, is my wife recently sent me a text message. And to note, this is after many attempts on my behalf to communicate with her, from how she would want her things packed and shipped to attempts at expressing how concerned I am for her safety and future—I was only met with unhinged vitriol. She texted me in a relatively cordial tone, stating she has now unpacked all of her things and noticed a few posters being missing. I did not respond which precipitated more texts stating that she expects and answer and can tell that I opened the first message.


I don’t know how to respond, and I have more or less stuck to no contact. I did break down and send her a birthday gift, to which she stated via email she appreciated, but that she moved and would not receive anything sent to her mothers house (which was what initially informed me to the situation). And, I did send an email on our anniversary a month after sending the gift—it was a hard day and I suppose that was ill advised, she responded stating she did not appreciate that as we are separated.


Not sure what to do, very worried for my wife’s future, and her ability to take care of herself…

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bowman]

For reference, this was the first part of the saga:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059079.0

[ForeverDad]

I understand your reluctance to divorce as she demanded.  I never imagined that divorce would ever be in my future, yet when all other alternatives were gone, I did file.  My situation was different, I had a young child and my being able to parent was threatened.  Your situation seems to be discord between adults without custody or parenting issues.

That said, we often write here that we can't fix - or even save - the other person.  We have to deal with What Is, not what we wish.  (That too is the perspective of divorce/family court.  It also deals with people as they are, it doesn't even try to remedy things or fix people.  At best it is a supposedly neutral referee to the unwinding of the marriage.)

That said, you ought to consider what are wise steps for you to take.  Besides the emotional toll you're paying, look at the big picture.  For example, is anything she is doing going to impact you financially?  Debts?

Do you have a therapist or counselor that can help guide you so your actions and reactions are appropriate for the circumstances?  It is so easy to lose yourself going down rabbit holes.

While we can't tell you which are the best - or least bad - choices before you, take a look at these perspectives.  Ask yourself, where am I on the timelines in these scenarios?

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole

[Bowman]

That said, you ought to consider what are wise steps for you to take.  Besides the emotional toll you're paying, look at the big picture.  For example, is anything she is doing going to impact you financially?  Debts?

Do you have a therapist or counselor that can help guide you so your actions and reactions are appropriate for the circumstances?  It is so easy to lose yourself going down rabbit holes.

We both carry medical debt, and I have credit card debt from a decade or more ago. But, no I do not think she is capable of incurring damage financially. Ironic considering she has gloated the ability to steal (via hacking) credit cards, but so far the only evidence of that is her mother finding fraudulent charges on her card after she began living with her. From what I can tell she is arrested by depression, and from what her brother has relayed to me, she isn't doing much of anything aside from waiting for her internet tough guy to get back online each day.

Unless some one is facilitating, she doesn't seem to get much done. It is difficult to contemplate, her having chosen a much worse path to travel.

I am not currently seeing a therapist or counselor, but I have. And, I keep in contact with close friends who know the story well, in addition to my wife's brother and mother. I certainly did go through at least two manic episodes lasting a week or less in November around her birthday and in December as our anniversary approached, but I know my triggers and behaviors well enough to not imperil my life or livelihood, I simply spent too much money for the month on frivolous things. And, I would say I have some OCD rituals that emerged in her absence, but nothing i'm losing any serious time to. Also to note, I see my brother almost daily, and he is keen on my emotional state enough to speak plainly to me and have me reflect accurately.

While we can't tell you which are the best - or least bad - choices before you, take a look at these perspectives.  Ask yourself, where am I on the timelines in these scenarios?

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole

With respect to the bridge analogy;
Prior to her losing her job she was absolutely climbing the rope to meet me back on the bridge. She was in therapy, titrated off the meds she did not want, working regularly, socializing regularly, eating and showering regularly, setting goals, and generally optimistic and in a stable frame of mind. When she lost her job, she didn't let go of the rope immediately, but after a couple months she did, and the slack whipped me to the railing, and had me fighting to maintain stability. After assaulting me and stressing me to the point where i caught shingles, and she got chickenpox, she appeared to let go. She became extremely distant, and eventually got really wrapped up in selling me the story of her friends internet romance, which turned out to be her own that she was lying to me about, which is how the other man enters the story. As far as I know she used him to validate her story of me being the sole source of all of her life's problems, and at that point she took put a knife to the rope. I would say she did indeed slash the rope when she abandoned me days before we were set to go on vacation and attend my sisters wedding, but I had already lassoed her and kept a lifeline in place by coordinating with her mother, her safe return home.

I do feel like i'm still on the bridge, holding a rope i threw to her, that she is unaware of. And, I know quite well I cannot live in a reality where I don't keep struggling. I'm patient and analytic, and my well of love is deep. I have all intention to stand by and pray for resolution.

With respect to the black hole analogy;
I have cast many things into that void, trifling things. But, what I never cast down were my relationships with friends and family, which of course was a point of contention. I would say after a few years I realized I was feeding an insatiable maw, and I found ways to pay tribute without sacrifice to that void. My hobbies and interests were actually what assisted in creating a barrier over that void, I was able to plug things up with my joy for life. We really had a glorious run of things when she was working and engaged with people socially along the lines of our hobbies and her employment. But, it would appear that my joy was dependent on her joy, and her depression engulfed my attempts to stabilize our life after her loss of job.