About 10 days ago I finally understood why I was feeling like
PLEASE READ for the last 6-8 months. It was my ex`s traumas. I read up on bpd and a video from Sam Vaknin described my relationship to a T. Fortunately I was spared the more egregious behaviors that I read about here. I would be surprised if she qualified for a BPD diagnostic, but its severe childhood trauma that leads to symptoms similar to BPD.
So although I'll use the word BPD, keep in mind that she was amazing 90% of the time and that I am extremely hopeful about the outcome of therapy for her ; she starts today
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BUT she still had all the core symptoms that make a relationship toxic. Namely ; strong and irrational fear of abandonment(from me only), externalization of emotional regulation, splitting, inability to manage her work life when in a relationship, etc.
-Strong fear of abandonment, she would admit that small things would make her think that I would leave, she would say thing like ''I love you more than you do'', ''it was love at first sight for me and not for you''(implying there was something wrong with that), check my phone, be annoyed if I spoke about girls at work, especially if they were attractive in any way, etc.
-Externalization of emotional regulation: This one was the worst for me and I think it was the thing that eventually got me depressed and anxious. Having to always reassure her, walking on eggshell, hypervigilant of her state of mind so I don't start some
PLEASE READ, etc. I kinda knew but it was all instinct for me, over time I learned how to handle her. What I didn't notice was how it was affecting me, like taking a microscopic dose of poison every morning until it built up to intolerable levels.
-Splitting: which is linked to the last point ; when all the pent up emotions she had would reach a boiling point ; she would either be cold/detached and say things to the effect that I never care, that I am a bad boyfriend, etc. Or she would go berserk, yell, punch the wall, completely and totally lose her
PLEASE READ. The split from her everyday demeanor was mind shattering. She would go from the sweetest happiest woman to a crazed mob wife on a coke binge in a matter of seconds. Where she would have told me earlier that I was the best boyfriend ever, I would be devalued to an inconsiderate asshole few hours latter.
-Inability to manage her life: As the relationship progressed she became more and more dependent on me to regulate her. When we first met she had been employed at the same place for a whole year and doing fine. Because of some office drama she quit that job after 2-3 months of us being together and then she changed jobs 4 times. And it was always the same story; she would love the job at first but invariably after a while she would start hating her boss or some colleague and it would all end in an inferno when she reached her breaking point. She also has a 15 years old daughter and we're both 33. So yeah her life was instable and anxiogenic and would gradually make her symptoms worst. Which brings us back to anxiety, emotional build up, splitting and damage control on my part becoming increasingly more pronounced over time. And that is the saddest truth about a relationship where someone as out of control bpd/cptsd ; the more you help, the more they become vulnerable, they need your help, the more you sink.
Things were actually pretty good for the first year, her symptoms while present were somewhat under control and I could handle them without too much hardship on myself. It all went to
PLEASE READ starting in september 2023 when I realized that the man I had been idealizing for all my life, my father, was in fact a narcissist who gaslighted me into believing I was a loser. He treated me in ways that I had been raised to believe were okay, that it was my fault after all that I was disappointing him. Its only when my ex saw how he treated me and when I spoke to friends and a therapist that I finally accepted what I had sensed since I was a teenager. It shook my core and she felt my pain 10x and it destabilized her greatly, I could no longer be her rock ; she lost her job, etc. Then when things started to settle her father decided to kill himself.
This is were the difficulty went from very hard to nightmare. A parent killing themselves is an atrocious experience for anyone, but for someone who has a hard time managing strong emotions, it is cataclysmic. The splitting, the emotional dysregulation, everything went from kinda tolerable to completely soul draining. It was all way beyond what I could handle. I firmly believe that only a complete psychopath devoid of emotion could withstand her pain and stay the course. It was in the air, all encompassing, unbearably heavy, never relenting. And I believed it all to be normal, that I needed to be with her in her moment of need, that everything was normal considering the circumstances. Little did I know that I was working in Chernobyl right after the reactor meltdown, I was slowing getting irradiated from the inside.
After 4 months I had to check myself in the doctor office and get a sick leave for anxiety and depression, I have been off work for nearly 6 months now. This all started last January. Needless to say it was a wild ride. I am completely burnt out.
On the 19th of September, I had an appointment with my therapist. She had a meltdown right before my appointment, and my therapist finally saw what I looked like after one of her episode. He had a hard time figuring out why a 33 years old man with no prior issue of mental health was not getting better after 5 months of sick leave, but on that day he had a hunch, and he was right. We delved deeper in my relationship with her and he straight up told me to break it up. He told me I exhibited the same defense mechanism as a battered wife. I did my research, found out about BPD, and then everything was clear. I read up on the disorder and wrote down a bunch of stuff. Called her the next day and broke it off. I explained why, she understood, she wants to get better, we both cried about it. The tragedy of it all. How her monster of a mother destroyed her when she was a kid, a baby. Never loving her, beating her up, mean and miserable, without a shred of guilt for what she's done, even to this day. I have never felt such rage in my life. Knowing that this monster destroyed the most beautiful human being I have ever met. I fantasize about revenge and retribution, of savage consequences for the unspeakable act that were perpetrated on my beloved. But rest assured that this will all remain a fantasy.
She is seeing someone who specialize in BPD. She does well when on her own, she's got a new job and she is slowly learning to regulate herself without my help. She had moment of panic about the separation, but cognitively she understands and she is glad to finally understand why her life as been such a mess for such a long time.
We spoke on the phone last Saturday. I was so happy to hear she is doing okay. I have all the confidence in the world she will figure it out, she will fix herself. She is not far. It is my belief that a year of therapy will probably enough to bridge the gap. Maybe not to become completely normal, but just enough to stop suffering. I would not wish her to change too much, after all I have never met such a profound, luminous and beautiful human being. I regret nothing and I have grown by leaps and bounds as a result of having had the privilege of spending two years in her company.
So for now I am still depressed and anxious. I just started taking welbuttrin, not sure if I should stop and feel my emotion. The medication numbs me a little. Maybe being out of the relationship is good enough as a medication. What would you guys suggest?
Ho and thank you for listening, I greatly appreciate.
