exhausted

[April19]

I love my partner, and have educated myself on BPD. And yet... .I find my partner's neediness and overpowering insecurities to be exhausting. I yearn for a relationship with communication rather than avoidance or demands, and mutual support rather than dependence or dimissiveness.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

Yes, the neediness and insecurities can be exhausting. People with BPD (pwBPD) have been likened to a bottomless well that the non tries to fill. In the end, the non is completely drained and the well is still empty. The only answer is to not try to fill the well. It's one of those counter-intuitive things that give a relationship with a pwBPD the best shot at success.

Please tell us more about yourself, and your situation, as you get comfortable here. What makes you think that your partner suffers from BPD? What happened recently to bring your here?

You said that you've started to educate yourself on BPD. That's a great place to start! There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and these have proven successful for some of the members here. I suggest you read the boards and the articles.  You will get a wealth of information, advice and support.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Your post struck a chord with me, as I imagine it will with many people here. I, too, yearn for a real relationship - i.e. a genuine partnership, which is by definition a pairing of two people who are both capable of open, non-violent communication and providing appropriate mutual support. One of the first places many Nons go is here:

The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

This thread does a good job of reminding Nons about "realistic expectations". In sum, we can't have the expectations we might usually have of what constitutes a relationship:

A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills ... .if you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior. 

So we really can't expect any of the things we've come to think of as constituting the basic premise of relationships (respect, trust, fairness, etc). If we decide to remain with the pwBPD, we have to accept that the only kind of relationship possible with them might be radically different from the kind of relationship we're used to, or want for ourselves. (This has been the most difficult part of my own journey. I still haven't accepted it/figured out if I can or want to accept it, so I'm in the 'on the fence' crowd here.) If we keep hoping or having expectations that are inherently incompatible with what a pwBPD can/is willing to provide, only suffering can result. If I like weather that's warm and sunny, I will not be happy if I move to Siberia; I have to either change my expectations and accept Siberia as it is, or choose a different location (even if I really like other things about Siberia).

"Borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  Essentially, to remain in this type of relationship, we must accept the role as emotional caretaker. We also have to be willing to "take it on the chin", and do a lot of 'turning the other cheek':

Realistic Expectations: Maybe stress even more how dealing with a person with BPD is not a fair fight between equals, but rather a contest of wills where the SO may likely have a zero-sum mentality rather than a true desire to compromise and come to agreement (i.e., a win-win situation). People with BPD often feel attacked in any sort of argument - no matter how mundane - and thus will react defensively to most issues ... .The non basically has to be the adult and expect, especially pre-recovery, to be the "bigger person" most times. This entails taking it on the chin, so to speak. You have to willingly accept an unfair fight most times, because of the SO's tendency to be hyper-defensive and to see any criticism as a threat to their very core self.

I personally don't want spend the rest of my life being an emotional caretaker to a six foot tall tantruming toddler, and I don't want to live without all the things that make a partnership/marriage such a positive component of one's life. Many of Nons I've talked to noted that they've ended up feeling very alone in their relationship - when an ostensible "partner" can provide none of the things most of us expect of adult intersubjectivity, it's not really 2 people in the relationship -- it's an emotional caretaker and the emotional invalid they have to modify their own behavior and selves, and set aside their own needs - sometimes completely - in order to accommodate

Of course everyone's experience is different, and pwBPD can vary widely in their levels of dysfunctionality/aggression/instability/egosyntonia/etc. But if you read through the boards, you'll find many other Nons who, like you, are frustrated by the primitive, solipsistic avoidance/demands rather than communication, and dependence/enmeshment/dismissiveness rather than mutual support. In my own personal experience, everything about the relationship with my BPD husband is exhausting - having to suppress my own reactions to the daily attacks, having to calmly enforce boundaries in the face of disconcertingly aggressive behavior, trying to find ways to say things in ways that won't trigger him, trying to get him to do things for himself rather than giving in to his demands that I do for him; the list is endless. But, lest I sound too pessimistic, there are people here who have improved their relationships with their disordered SO to varying degrees, so know that change is possible for some.

It's hard to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, especially if they refuse meaningful therapy. I hope this site will be helpful to you. You're definitely not alone.