I believe I have BPD

[AnthonyZ]

Hey everyone, I don’t really know where to start but I’ll keep it as brief as I can.

I had a mental breakdown early May 2023 my partner of 6 years was telling me shortly before that I needed therapy to determine why I have always been so angry & destructive towards my loved ones.

I recently completely admitted to the problems my BPD has caused throughout many relationships I’ve had with family, friend.

I have put my partner through hell, she’s at the end of her rope with me but I’d like to fix the pain & trauma I have caused her.

I purchased the Dialectical behaviour therapy skills workbook last week, I’m only 25 pages in, it has helped a little but I still have suicidal thoughts, low spells & haven’t started managing my outbursts yet.

I haven’t been diagnosed yet but have always since my partner mentioned BPD, known I display 9/10 of the symptoms.

I feel like this workbook is my last ditch effort to save my relationship, I’m obviously doing this more for me this point in time as I don’t think I’ll survive the other side of Christmas if I don’t.

I can’t afford private healthcare & am having to make do with the NHS in the uk, they’ve had me jumping through hoops and feeling helpless at times since my breakdown.

I’ve not worked full time since my breakdown, everything has become gradually worse in all honesty


Does anybody have any words of wisdom or words of advice for a newby BPD sufferer who is just starting the journey of wanting to feel normal for the first time in his life.

Thank you everyone in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alcmene]

Hello, I'm new here too. But I just wanted to say how refreshing your post is to hear. I really wish my SO was as self-aware and anxious to work on his problems as you are. I don't really know anything about the healthcare system in the UK, but if you aren't able to find a therapist, you might try a support group. There are various support groups like CODA or Emotions Anonymous, etc that you might find helpful (and they're free). Good luck. I hope everything works out for you and your partner.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Anthony-

Welcome. 

First I want to say that what you’ve written and your acknowledgment of your issues, imo, places you miles ahead of the several people I’ve been most closely associated with who displayed very disordered behaviors.  Your honesty, self-awareness and desire to heal, in and of themselves,  (at least to me) provide so much hope for you. 

The people I’ve been close to never owned up to or took accountability for any of their hurtful behaviors.  Therefore, you are so far ahead of where so many others who have these traits will ever be.  Please don’t give up on yourself.  You have just begun your healing journey and you are so worth each step you take.  In addition, I don’t believe that receiving a diagnosis is all that crucial for you to embrace your healing.  If you’re aware of your feelings and behaviors, you can begin to tackle them.  Being “labeled” or diagnosed won’t really lead you on a different path, will it…. You KNOW you want to feel better and that’s enough. 

I believe if you give yourself patience, grace and a bit of love you WILL see way beyond Christmas.  Way beyond.  Because you deserve that.

I do need to point out that this site is designed for people who are in relationships WITH or have family members who either have traits of or who have been diagnosed with BPD.  So with that in mind, please use care NOT to get discouraged or hurt by certain things you may read here.  I know, easier said than done.

Personally, I believe I have (more like “had” at this point in my long life) some BPD traits due to some trauma earlier in my life, as well as some things that took place more recently.  Through some therapy, lots of reading, learning to do things to self-soothe and understanding that just because I FEEL something does NOT mean it is a FACT… have all combined to help me so so much.

I believe there are things you can do for yourself, small yet meaningful things, that will noticeably reduce your anxiety and depression.  The first is to recognize that you are worthy of this healing journey.  You are worthy of love, both from yourself and from others.  And that whatever traits of BPD you have, they do NOT define you as a human being.

I hope I’m not going on too much, but I have a few suggestions for you.

First - journal… write when you feel good and bad.  Figure out the things that set you off; and maybe, just maybe instead of taking your anger out on anyone, keep a pen and notebook handy and begin to write the moment you want to scream.

Second - if you drink or engage in any substance use, try your best to minimize that use.  If you need to go to meetings, do that.  If there are any, say men’s mental health group meetings in your area, join one.  Step outside your comfort zone.

Third - if you enjoy music or art, let yourself become absorbed in those things for a certain period of time each day.  Find things that are just for you and immerse yourself in the beauty of music or art.  Nothing loud or unsettling.  You have to find what soothes you.

Move your body - walk.  Be quiet and move slowly.  Breathe.  Find a park.  Close your eyes and breathe.  Just look at something that isn’t your phone or a screen.  And also please look up Progressive Muscle Relaxation.  I use the one on Therapy in a Nutshell.  It takes 9 minutes, I believe.

Anthony - I believe there are so many ways to retrain your mind and emotions.  In the tools and workshops at the top of the page, please look at the section on Mindfulness.  There is also good information online about mindfulness techniques.

I’m sorry I’ve been so wordy.  I truly have so much hope for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[kells76]

Hi AnthonyZ, glad you felt like you could share your thoughts. You're going through a lot right now, so it makes sense that you're reaching for support. The world becomes a better place when all of us recognize that we need help, and take action to get it!

Something important for you to know is that this site is designed for people who have a person with BPD (pwBPD) in their lives -- not for pwBPD themselves. Each group tends to need its own approach and tools and environment, and it can be triggering and disruptive to healing for a pwBPD to participate here (just like if a person without BPD joined a group for BPD). Neither group is "right" or "wrong" -- just different focuses. The last thing we want is to derail your healing journey.

I want to encourage you to find a group for yourself that will best fit your needs. One good place to start could be a NAMI group. Another helpful resources is the Psychology Today "Find a Therapist" search bar (at the top of the page). Just enter your city and state and search; then, when the list generates, click on "all filters" and you can filter by specialty (BPD) and/or type of therapy (DBT).

We wish you all the best as you take the truly courageous steps to turn your life around 

[CC43]

Hi there AZ,

It's commendable that you're taking proactive steps to work on your mental health and improve your situation.  Deciding to work on yourself to get to a better place is a critical first step, even if you might feel vulnerable in the process.

Kells is right, most people on this site don't have BPD, though they do have loved ones with BPD behaviors of varying severity.  I have a stepdaughter who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  She was very depressed and anxious, had volatile relationships with her family and friends, and felt so terrible that continuing with school and work became impossible for her.  But like you, eventually she decided that she wanted to feel better.  She found a therapist whom she trusts, and she participated in programs which focus on DBT and mindfulness approaches.  Over the course of several months, she gradually started feeling better, and she achieved many meaningful milestones, including moving in with roommates, attending school again and working part-time.  Her living quarters are tidy now, and she looks clean and healthy, not bedraggled and a mess.  She's repaired the relationship with a few of her family members, too.  I know it hasn't been easy for her, and she still feels down and/or upset sometimes, but the severity, frequency and duration of such episodes have diminished significantly, from what I've seen.  She seems better able to handle stress and "get over" disappointments much faster these days.  One of the marvelous changes I've noticed is that she talks about the future now.  Before she was diagnosed, she was obsessing over past slights and grievances, so much that it was preventing her from sleeping properly and engaging with daily activities.  I imagine that she's learned better how to avoid going down a negative thinking spiral.

I would echo the comments of Gemsforeyes, based on many of the lifestyle changes my stepdaughter made while on her journey to a happier life:

*Avoiding self-medicating with marijuana was critical.  Marijuana sapped her motivation and made her very paranoid.
*Taking medications as prescribed (she took medicine to help with her moods).
*Prioritizing therapy until she got on the right track.
*Eating right--three meals a day including fresh fruits, vegetables and protein to help keep her energy levels up.  A recommendation was that if meal preparation seemed too difficult, then try protein drinks.  (By the way, eating an apple, banana or grapes doesn't require any cooking, plates or utensils.)
*Getting regular sleep, including going to bed and waking up at consistent times, even on weekends; avoiding screens in bed.
*Engaging in regular exercise, ideally daily and outside.  Walking counts; the most important thing is regularity and consistency.
*Doing activities to help distract you when you have intrusive thoughts or overwhelming emotions.  Examples might be listening to music, petting a pet, creating art, going for a walk, practicing yoga, talking to a trusted friend, looking at a magazine, smelling a scented candle, taking a shower, making bread, or a mindless/physical task like folding laundry.  These simple activities might help you handle temporarily intense emotions and get you to a calmer state, before you act out impulsively and do something you might later regret.
*Engaging your five senses in 5-4-3-2-1 ways.  When you feel overwhelming tension or intrusive thoughts, you might try to engage all your senses to feel more centered and calm.  Look for 5 things of a certain color, Listen for 4 different sounds, Feel 3 different things touching you, Smell 2 different scents, Taste 1 flavor.

Anthony, life is precious, and you deserve to be happy.  You are not alone!  You are courageous in seeking out help.  I truly hope you find the support you need and the strength to overcome difficulties.  Dropping the victim attitude, taking charge and seeing that you have accountability and agency in your life are critical for recovery in my opinion, and so very rare among people with BPD traits--your post really stands out to me that way.  Though every person's journey is different, my stepdaughter surely thought her life was over, and that it just wasn't worth living anymore.  But she decided to get help, and she worked very hard to turn her life around, and get back on track.  I'm so proud of her for that.  It's never too late to try.  You're worth it.