CC43
Online
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 384
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« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2024, 09:39:35 AM » |
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Hi Cupcake,
I totally understand how living with a loved one with BPD can feel all-consuming, disruptive and very tiring indeed. I find that perhaps the worst part is the victim attitude. People with BPD typically feel that they are always the victim--they are never accountable for their feelings or actions. They blame everyone else for their problems, while at the same time, they feel powerless, as if they have no control or agency in their life. They use it as an excuse for acting out, throwing tantrums and treating other people badly. Does that sound familiar? You and your parents might feel you have to bend over backwards to manage your sister and avoid a meltdown. Over time, you might come to resent your sister, and your parents as well, for coddling her too much, or for doing things for her that she's capable of doing for herself. If you feel resentment, that's a sure sign that your sister is taking advantage, even if she has a mental illness. What she's learning is that having a tantrum is very effective, because she gets her way. My opinion is that even though she has a mental illness, that's no excuse for being disrespectful or treating you badly all the time.
You didn't mention your age, or if you are still living with your sister. Maybe the bright side is, once you're 18, you can venture out on your own--you could attend college, and maybe get a place of your own with some roommates. I confess that by age 16, I was counting down the days to go off to college. Once I got there, I felt so free. I was highly motivated to study hard, and then to get a good job where I could support myself, without moving back in with my parents or relying on them for any money. I did exactly that, and I felt so liberated, as I had the ability to choose what I wanted to do, with whom I lived and where and when I worked. It wasn't easy, but it was extremely freeing because the choices were all mine. When you're on your own, you can decide how much contact you have with your sister. If she's a negative influence on you, you might decide to keep your distance, and maybe only text her on occasion and visit on holidays, for example. In the meantime, I'd say that you try to focus on you as much as possible, and let your parents worry about your sister. If your home life is too chaotic, maybe you spend a lot of time studying at the library. Maybe you become active with school clubs, or get a part-time job, or volunteer after school. The more you develop outside activities and friend groups, the less influence your sister will seem to have in your life.
When living with a loved one with BPD, one thing that helped me was to think in terms of emotional age. I thought that my loved one's emotional age was only 70% of her chronological age; she was basically just a little behind most of her peers in the emotion control and executive function department. So when she was 16, she was only as emotionally mature as an 11-year-old, acting extremely self-centered and throwing tantrums. At 18, she was acting like she was 13; she wasn't really able to handle disappointments, or social pressures, or look after herself or her belongings, or make plans by herself, or consider other people's feelings. At 21, she was functionally 15, and not ready yet to live semi-autonomously or handle daily stresses and responsibilities, and many social interactions seemed to generate over-the-top drama. At 25, she was basically 18, as in just starting to be able to handle complex social relationships and some adult responsibilities, like making healthy meals and handling coursework on her own, but she still can't manage to juggle full-time commitments or a budget. And maybe at age 30, she'll be emotionally an adult. I haven't told her I think this way, but by doing so it helps me adjust my expectations for how she can handle issues that are common for each age group.
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