I'm so tired of my sister with bpd

[cupcake679]

  She's been diagnosed with bpd at 14 after a suicide attempt and life has not been the same. Since young she was always favoured and all that and I was the little sister that had no one to reach out to etc. After she was diagnosed with bpd the whole family has been walking on eggshells because she may say manipulative stuff like "i'm going to kill myself etc and whatnot" its tiring, and my parents let her get away with it to not deal with her attitude and tantrums. It sucks that she was diagnosed because shes always using it as reason to act extremely irritating and to justify her toxic actions. She never thinks she's in the wrong and will only blame everyone but herself and think she's better than others. Other days she'll be like "oh my God living with bpd is so hard etc" and make it everyone's problem but if we are in a bad mood and show it she'll act like we committed a crime. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of her thinking that because she has BPD she has it harder than anyone.

Anyone dealing with the shame issues? This is just a glimpse of the past few years in a summary. I'm at breaking point.

[CC43]

Hi Cupcake,

I totally understand how living with a loved one with BPD can feel all-consuming, disruptive and very tiring indeed.  I find that perhaps the worst part is the victim attitude.  People with BPD typically feel that they are always the victim--they are never accountable for their feelings or actions.  They blame everyone else for their problems, while at the same time, they feel powerless, as if they have no control or agency in their life.  They use it as an excuse for acting out, throwing tantrums and treating other people badly.  Does that sound familiar?  You and your parents might feel you have to bend over backwards to manage your sister and avoid a meltdown.  Over time, you might come to resent your sister, and your parents as well, for coddling her too much, or for doing things for her that she's capable of doing for herself.  If you feel resentment, that's a sure sign that your sister is taking advantage, even if she has a mental illness.  What she's learning is that having a tantrum is very effective, because she gets her way.  My opinion is that even though she has a mental illness, that's no excuse for being disrespectful or treating you badly all the time.

You didn't mention your age, or if you are still living with your sister.  Maybe the bright side is, once you're 18, you can venture out on your own--you could attend college, and maybe get a place of your own with some roommates.  I confess that by age 16, I was counting down the days to go off to college.  Once I got there, I felt so free.  I was highly motivated to study hard, and then to get a good job where I could support myself, without moving back in with my parents or relying on them for any money.  I did exactly that, and I felt so liberated, as I had the ability to choose what I wanted to do, with whom I lived and where and when I worked.  It wasn't easy, but it was extremely freeing because the choices were all mine.  When you're on your own, you can decide how much contact you have with your sister.  If she's a negative influence on you, you might decide to keep your distance, and maybe only text her on occasion and visit on holidays, for example.  In the meantime, I'd say that you try to focus on you as much as possible, and let your parents worry about your sister.  If your home life is too chaotic, maybe you spend a lot of time studying at the library.  Maybe you become active with school clubs, or get a part-time job, or volunteer after school.  The more you develop outside activities and friend groups, the less influence your sister will seem to have in your life.

When living with a loved one with BPD, one thing that helped me was to think in terms of emotional age.  I thought that my loved one's emotional age was only 70% of her chronological age; she was basically just a little behind most of her peers in the emotion control and executive function department.  So when she was 16, she was only as emotionally mature as an 11-year-old, acting extremely self-centered and throwing tantrums.  At 18, she was acting like she was 13; she wasn't really able to handle disappointments, or social pressures, or look after herself or her belongings, or make plans by herself, or consider other people's feelings.  At 21, she was functionally 15, and not ready yet to live semi-autonomously or handle daily stresses and responsibilities, and many social interactions seemed to generate over-the-top drama.  At 25, she was basically 18, as in just starting to be able to handle complex social relationships and some adult responsibilities, like making healthy meals and handling coursework on her own, but she still can't manage to juggle full-time commitments or a budget.  And maybe at age 30, she'll be emotionally an adult.  I haven't told her I think this way, but by doing so it helps me adjust my expectations for how she can handle issues that are common for each age group.

[pumpkin2020]

Hi cupcake,

I do understand what you mean about the attention getting focused on your sister, to avoid the meltdowns and tantrums.  My parents - who did their best but were overwhelmed by the situation - often used to tell me to "just do what your sister wants!" So I became the peacemaker and - as adults - it has felt like the family revolves mostly around her, her drama, her stories, partly because gossiping in this way is probably entertaining. 

But the bottom line is that all of us - my parents and myself and some extended family like aunts - are basically just very afraid of my sister and her extreme moods.  We never know when she'll fly into a rage, so we are very careful with what we say.

One psychiatrist encouraged me to "call her out" on her bad behavior, but that has not worked well for me.  It's only made her more defensive and irate. She's turned the comment back at me, blaming ME for the behavior and saying that I'm hurting her feelings.

This mental illness is hard!
-Pumpkin