A Little Backwards Step Today?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had a therapy session yesterday, which have up to now been really helpful.

Yesterday we were speaking about a key moment towards the end of the relationship, and we kind of ran out of time for me to more slowly unpack the high tide of emotions which ran through the moment that I was describing.

I came away feeling as though I'd stirred some feelings up again, without really channeling them anywhere.

I dreamed about my ex last night.

Today, I just kinda miss her.

I know this sort of makes sense, but it also doesn't - she was a nightmare to be honest, and the relationship was kind of farcical (it was based on her idealisation and my willingness to perpetuate the myth; more than a super deep knowledge of each other).

I moved over to be with her around this time last year, so that may play a role...

But it's frustrating, because I've felt totally clear headed about it for the last few weeks - and I largely feel like I'm over it.

I suppose the occasional set back is inevitable, but it's annoying that my feelings are telling me that she's this 'all good person who I miss'; and that 'she and her fiancé are really happy right now, because she's actually a really amazing person and the only reason she was abusive towards me is because she felt unsafe'.

When I'm not in this place, the shades of grey are all there, I feel balanced, calm... and I don't *reeaally* care very much - I just feel ready to start dating again, and meeting new people.

So yeah - bit frustrating today.

Perhaps I'll tell the therapist about this next week, and process the way the open-ended nature of the end of the session kinda... stirred a few things up for me.

[SnailShell]

I had a therapy session yesterday, which have up to now been really helpful.

Yesterday we were speaking about a key moment towards the end of the relationship, and we kind of ran out of time for me to more slowly unpack the high tide of emotions which ran through the moment that I was describing.

I came away feeling as though I'd stirred some feelings up again, without really channeling them anywhere.

I dreamed about my ex last night.

Today, I just kinda miss her.

I know this sort of makes sense, but it also doesn't - she was a nightmare to be honest, and the relationship was kind of farcical (it was based on her idealisation and my willingness to perpetuate the myth; more than a super deep knowledge of each other).

I moved over to be with her around this time last year, so that may play a role...

But it's frustrating, because I've felt totally clear headed about it for the last few weeks - and I largely feel like I'm over it.

I suppose the occasional set back is inevitable, but it's annoying that my feelings are telling me that she's this 'all good person who I miss'; and that 'she and her fiancé are really happy right now, because she's actually a really amazing person and the only reason she was abusive towards me is because she felt unsafe'.

When I'm not in this place, the shades of grey are all there, I feel balanced, calm... and I don't *reeaally* care very much - I just feel ready to start dating again, and meeting new people.

So yeah - bit frustrating today.

Perhaps I'll tell the therapist about this next week, and process the way the open-ended nature of the end of the session kinda... stirred a few things up for me.

[PeteWitsend]

I don't know if this would help, but sometimes I have to remind myself that feelings are just feelings, and they'll pass over time.  They're not who we are.

Our feelings are a mix of emotions, memories, and whatever our dopamine levels are at the moment.  They aren't who we are; feeling sad or nostalgic, or warm, or whatever.

Sometimes it helps to talk it out (even with yourself if no one is around), or write it down.  Seeing the feeling represented in another medium outside your head helps get some perspective on it. 

[SnailShell]

I don't know if this would help, but sometimes I have to remind myself that feelings are just feelings, and they'll pass over time.  They're not who we are.

Our feelings are a mix of emotions, memories, and whatever our dopamine levels are at the moment.  They aren't who we are; feeling sad or nostalgic, or warm, or whatever.

Sometimes it helps to talk it out (even with yourself if no one is around), or write it down.  Seeing the feeling represented in another medium outside your head helps get some perspective on it. 

Thank you - this does help!

I often struggle with this, because I tend to feel quite deeply.

Sometimes I feel like I AM my emotions - on a good day, I’m amazing and so is everything in the world.

On a bad day, I’m a total failure and the world is awful.

I’m getting better at not doing that - partly because of what I’m learning about BPD, somewhat ironically!

But yeah - that’s a helpful reflection.

[once removed]

youre grieving. to grieve is to take a step forward.

i know no one wants to be in the position of missing their ex, or, for that matter, feeling worse than they did yesterday.

but the truth is, the only way out of these things is through them. in that regard, it is all progress.