What would you do in my situation?

[bolling]

After being together with my girlfreind for 3,5 years ive finally had enough after our last fight in mid october, and told her it was over and that i would move out. Here is the thing: we bought a puppy in august and payed ca 700 dollars each. This was more her project than mine, so i asked her to buy "my part of the dog" so it didnt have to spend 50-50 every 14 days. First she said yes, but then she told me that i owed her rent,(as i was living in her apartment). I knew this wasnt true, and when i asked for evidence of unpaid rent, she changed it to being about fees because i havent moved my stuff out yet. Im living with my dad 30 minutes away, and have three exams coming up late Nov, so cant pick up my stuff right now. Shes using my washer,dryer, tv and kitchenwear so got really nothing to compain about. I feel she is actually scaming me out of 700 dollars, as now im not seeing my dog, nor im i getting the money for it. What would you guys do? 

[kells76]

This may be one of those situations where you can achieve one of your goals, but not all, and it's up to you to rank your priorities.

I think I'm seeing a few goals here:

-see and spend time with the dog
-break up
-she reimburses you for your half of the dog payment
-finances, costs, and fees are split fairly
(-anything else I missed?)

How would you rank those goals?

I think we can come up with a plan for moving forward and achieving a goal, though it may be important to accept that getting your top priority might require giving up fully achieving other priorities.

Doing some strategic thinking "behind the scenes" here can help you act from a wise and balanced headspace for better long-term outcomes. Emotions might be running high all around right now (it's understandable: you have the pressure of three exams coming up, the breakup is fresh, and there are a lot of logistical things to iron out) -- let's get you grounded and centered and strategic 

[CC43]

Hi there Bolling,

You seem to be focused on your schoolwork right now, and that sounds fantastic to me.  I can't help but wonder if you left some of your things at your ex's because you were just having a "trial" breakup, or maybe you thought you might get back together?

Alternatively, if you're certain about the breakup and want to move on, then my advice would be to get your stuff right away, and settle the finances while you are at it.  That way, you get closure, and you can move forward with confidence, freeing up all your mindspace for your upcoming exams.  For as long as you have belongings at her place, she has some leverage over you, and you'll continue to think about her and communicate with her at some level.  In an ideal world, you'll agree to split expenses fairly.  In a BPD world, if she's triggered, she might invent all sorts of convoluted logic about why you owe her.  People with BPD often see themselves as victims, and they often want to punish others, or get some sort of retribution.  This mindset is especially predominant in periods of stress, such as a break-up.  So I'd say, maybe you prepare yourself to forgo the money you paid for the puppy.  It was her initiative in the first place, and maybe you can walk away and be grateful for the time you already had with the puppy.  You can also walk away an important life lesson--don't share expenses (or co-sign loans) with someone who isn't family, unless you're willing to part with the money, the friendship, or both.  Learning this lesson for price of $700 is an absolute bargain in my opinion.  And if you really want a puppy of your own, then go ahead and get one yourself, as long as you're ready for the commitment to take care of it.  My general opinion is that students don't typically have the space, time, stable living situation or budget for a puppy, and that is perfectly fine.  If you like to play with puppies but don't want the responsibility of owning one, then you could always volunteer at an animal shelter or walk dogs as a side gig.

Just my two cents.  Good luck.

[PeteWitsend]

After being together with my girlfreind for 3,5 years ive finally had enough after our last fight in mid october, and told her it was over and that i would move out. Here is the thing: we bought a puppy in august and payed ca 700 dollars each. This was more her project than mine, so i asked her to buy "my part of the dog" so it didnt have to spend 50-50 every 14 days. First she said yes, but then she told me that i owed her rent,(as i was living in her apartment). I knew this wasnt true, and when i asked for evidence of unpaid rent, she changed it to being about fees because i havent moved my stuff out yet. Im living with my dad 30 minutes away, and have three exams coming up late Nov, so cant pick up my stuff right now. Shes using my washer,dryer, tv and kitchenwear so got really nothing to compain about. I feel she is actually scaming me out of 700 dollars, as now im not seeing my dog, nor im i getting the money for it. What would you guys do? 

If the washer/dryer/kitchen stuff have any value to you, I would try to get those back ASAP, before she claims they're abandoned or tries to take them with her to another place if she moves.  Can you take an afternoon off with your dad to go get that stuff?  Make sure you have contingencies planned in case she tries to screw with your efforts to get them back.  Don't risk being alone with her, lest she claims you hit her or something.

Consider the dog a lost cause if she insists on keeping it.  it's not worth fighting over.  The issue here is that pwBPD LOVE to fight... they like to argue and go back and forth, and have an endless capacity for it... lying, denying what they said, taking unfair positions, making up meaningless reasons why you need to pay more or do something extra (as in her trying to get more rent or "fee" money from you).  End it and move on.  Trying to split custody of a dog is just an invitation to continued conflict and fighting with her.  Chalk it up to learning a lesson.  If you want a dog, go get one from the pound.

I get that you're a student, and all this seems like a lot of money to lose and also very unfair, but take it from those of us who got married and had a kid or kids with a pwBPD, and think about how much that cost us to end it and get out... you're getting out and learning a lesson for cheap. 

And regarding the dog, one more thought: you might even get it for nothing in the end... pwBPD are notoriously unreliable and lazy, and taking care of a dog is a lot of work, especially a puppy.  She might get tired of it in a month, and offer it to you, just to get rid of it.  Don't pay her anything for it, and get it in writing (like an email) that she's giving you the dog.

[WhatThe]

I'm in a similar situation.  I'm living in my house, but ex with BPD still has all his stuff here.  He attempted suicide after I broke up with him after finding out he'd been having an emotional affair with an ex of his for the past two years, and I would not let him return to my house when he was released from hospital.

Not sure where he is living now, but he's trying to find a place to rent and save up the removal costs.  It's a long story.

But the point is, it is still a form of control over my life.  I am navigating my way through never getting any resolution or closure.  Any communication just degenerates into, what I refer to as, his vortex of delusions.  I get sucked into that vortex proving that's not true, that's not what I said, here's the proof, here's the record, here's the receipt or transaction.  They don't care about the proof.  They believe their delusions over the proof.  It's pointless trying to introduce reality into the delusion.

As for your situation, I would walk away from the dog - even if she paid you half - that would still mean you would have to be in communication with her about sharing visits.  Go and collect your things.  You need her gone from your life because she is poisonous to your life, and to do that, you need to remove all reasons to be in contact.

[PeteWitsend]

I'm in a similar situation.  I'm living in my house, but ex with BPD still has all his stuff here.  He attempted suicide after I broke up with him after finding out he'd been having an emotional affair with an ex of his for the past two years, and I would not let him return to my house when he was released from hospital.

Not sure where he is living now, but he's trying to find a place to rent and save up the removal costs.  It's a long story.

But the point is, it is still a form of control over my life.  I am navigating my way through never getting any resolution or closure.  Any communication just degenerates into, what I refer to as, his vortex of delusions.  I get sucked into that vortex proving that's not true, that's not what I said, here's the proof, here's the record, here's the receipt or transaction.  They don't care about the proof.  They believe their delusions over the proof.  It's pointless trying to introduce reality into the delusion.

...

How much stuff does he have there?  You could move it to a storage unit, pay like 3 months of expenses (to be nice), and then send him an email "Here's where your stuff is.  I'll mail you the key" and let him go get it.

If it's a lot of heavy furniture, maybe you'd have to pay movers.

It might be worth it though.

I went through a similar situation early this year when my fiancee and I broke up.  She eventually came with movers of her own to get her stuff, but it was a nightmare dealing with her both before and during the move out.  She demanded lots of stuff either she bought or we bought together, and for which she'd have no use for in her apt. 

I also boxed up about 20-30 boxes of her stuff before the moving day, even though she told me not to, and I'm glad I did because they were there almost all day as it was. 

I almost would've been better off paying movers to put it in storage myself.

[WhatThe]

@PeteWitsend

It is half a houseful of big furniture in a 2-storey house (the other half being my furniture), so removalists would definitely need to be involved.  I'm not sure if I could rent a storage unit in somebody else's name, but can look into it.  I've been packing boxes periodically, moreso that I can take my space back and not be using any of his things.  Removing memories etc.

The cost for removalists would be a couple of thousand at least where I live, and then 3 months of storage probably be another $1200 for a single garage size unit.  Once his things are gone I would need to replace furniture.  So it's a big expense, not like $500 we're talking about.  I've had enough of second-hand furniture in my life - at the age where I want nice stuff without any bad juju in it .  The $$$ are winning over inconvenience at the moment.

[ForeverDad]

Assuming she can take reasonable care of the dog, I'd echo what the others have stated, better to gift her your investment in the purchase of the puppy and be thankful the issue isn't as distressing as sharing children.  In most cases, when you're ending a disordered relationship (as in possible Borderline traits) there is no hope of remaining friends over the years.  Sorry, most of us have had to Let Go and Move On with far more difficult issues looming over our heads.

Ponder the matter from an objective perspective.  Imagine you have a good friend who is in precisely your type of situation.  What thoughtful advice would you share?  Or imagine that 5 or 10 years have passed.  If the future you could travel back in time, with the angst of the current issues long past, what perspective would the future you have for you?

[PeteWitsend]

... I'm not sure if I could rent a storage unit in somebody else's name, but can look into it.  ...

You don't have to.  Just get things in your name, pay for a limited number of months, then give the other person access.  You can phone the storage location and give them permission, and the key to the lock.  Here (USA) storage facilities typically have a code for accessing the building or lot, and each individual locker/unit is locked with a padlock, so all you need to do is give them the code and key and the # of the unit, and they can go get their stuff. 

Just remember to cancel it when the term you paid for is over. 

[SinisterComplex]

After being together with my girlfreind for 3,5 years ive finally had enough after our last fight in mid october, and told her it was over and that i would move out. Here is the thing: we bought a puppy in august and payed ca 700 dollars each. This was more her project than mine, so i asked her to buy "my part of the dog" so it didnt have to spend 50-50 every 14 days. First she said yes, but then she told me that i owed her rent,(as i was living in her apartment). I knew this wasnt true, and when i asked for evidence of unpaid rent, she changed it to being about fees because i havent moved my stuff out yet. Im living with my dad 30 minutes away, and have three exams coming up late Nov, so cant pick up my stuff right now. Shes using my washer,dryer, tv and kitchenwear so got really nothing to compain about. I feel she is actually scaming me out of 700 dollars, as now im not seeing my dog, nor im i getting the money for it. What would you guys do? 

The money doesn't mean jack S:cursing:! Seriously that is a mere pittance to pay to be out of a disordered relationship and get to heal yourself and begin anew....that my friend is priceless. Forget the  scorecard stuff, cut your losses and move on so you get your head screwed on straight and focus on what matters and what is important.

If you use the money thing as a sticking point it is only going to hurt you in the long run and keep you tied to the situation.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-