I’m separated from my husband and ready to file for divorce but struggling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband of 26 years has BPD which is recent knowledge to me. We were high school sweethearts who married at 18, had a son at 18, and as you can imagine had many of the usual struggles of being kids ourselves and raising a kid. On top of that, his BPD amplified each struggle making it worse. Since then we’ve had a daughter as well and have supported each other through college and lived a seemingly perfect life but with a grey cloud hovering over our lives that only until now makes sense. Long story short, his diagnosis has put everything into perspective and during a recent argument, I chose to end our relationship to save what is left of my mental health. I am struggling now with feelings of guilt for giving up on him even though he is in denial about his BPD and insists he doesn’t need to continue therapy. I have days where I feel empowered and others where I feel I betrayed him. Please help me understand this.

[H-town 1998]

My husband of 26 years has BPD which is recent knowledge to me. We were high school sweethearts who married at 18, had a son at 18, and as you can imagine had many of the usual struggles of being kids ourselves and raising a kid. On top of that, his BPD amplified each struggle making it worse. Since then we’ve had a daughter as well and have supported each other through college and lived a seemingly perfect life but with a grey cloud hovering over our lives that only until now makes sense. Long story short, his diagnosis has put everything into perspective and during a recent argument, I chose to end our relationship to save what is left of my mental health. I am struggling now with feelings of guilt for giving up on him even though he is in denial about his BPD and insists he doesn’t need to continue therapy. I have days where I feel empowered and others where I feel I betrayed him. Please help me understand this.

[SnailShell]

Hi, and welcome!

I won't say much just now (just making dinner!), and others here are probably better qualified to comment than me because I never married my BPD ex.

You didn't say too much about your relationship, but just so you know - it seems like a really normal experience to feel that sense of betraying the person.

It sounds as though you've lived with the belief that you need to be there for him, and that way of thinking is hard to break.

But relationships are just that - relationships. Partnerships. Friendships.

If it was sucking you dry, I don't see that as a partnership anymore.

BPD is SO hard. So so hard.

Well done for putting yourself in a position to heal.

Stay grounded, stay safe, and take time to rest before you try to process it all at once.

[Mutt]

But relationships are just that - relationships. Partnerships. Friendships.

If it was sucking you dry, I don't see that as a partnership anymore.

BPD is SO hard. So so hard.

Hi H-town 1998,

I’d like to join SnailShell and welcome you to BPDFamily!

I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our forums..

I’d like to top up with what SnailShell said about r/s’s. We may have family members that don’t have a personality disorder but they have insecurities and are also not very self aware or have the motivation to self reflect and do the work.

How long have you been separated?

[H-town 1998]

Our separation is recent, only 2 weeks now, so it is very fresh on my mind and probably the reason I can’t stop crying. He moved out of the house and went back to our home state to “give me a break” after asking for a divorce (again) because he says his needs aren’t being met and no one takes the time to understand him.

I say “again” because divorce is his recent go-to when he is testing us on just how much we care or love him. Before leaving, he had what I consider a complete meltdown, using every tactic to get the “right” reaction out of his kids and I. He professed his love for me which sounded like an unhealthy obsession. He then turned to saying that we all emotionally abused him for the 26 years. He then tried to convince us that the problem was miscommunication all along because we didn’t understand him and how special, unique, and closer to being “Jesus-like” than anyone we would ever meet. He then stated he felt bad for us because we were cruel and didn’t know how to fend for ourselves.

When packing up to leave, he asked my kids to help him load his vehicle and I recently learned that he told each of them individually to do him a favor which was to NOT help me when I had a problem because I needed to figure everything out in my own. Who says that? What person who loves another wants them to struggle or have no support? The only thing that comes to mind is that he wants me to need him. That, coupled by the feeling that when he saw me cry in pain from the situation almost seemed to make him happy…..makes me wonder why I having such a hard time letting it all go.

He has called me every day since he left and in every conversation he only talks about him, his needs, his feelings and how he feels used and discarded now that we have squeezed everything we could from him. He lists everything he has done for the kids as if any caring father wouldn’t do the same. A constant pattern in our marriage is him expressing himself as a victim. He can’t seem to acknowledge anyone else’s pain for longer than a minute and when he does, it’s only to validate how much he can understand us and yet we don’t understand him. As he would put it, he can see his side of the coin and acknowledge my side of the coin because two things can be true.

One thing his therapist was dead on about was saying that we (my kids and I) all had build a wall from all of the trauma his presence has caused and no matter how much he tried, there was not penetrating it. I’m seeing it with my son who
at the moment wants nothing to do with his dad until he acknowledges how he has hurt us and my daughter who is full of anxiety when answering his calls. I’m trying to keep myself and kids sane as we go through this.

[ForeverDad]

He has a therapist, which is good, he needs one though the typical BPD Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting will make it hard for him to sincerely apply the therapy in his perceptions and life.

What about you and your children?  Do all of you have experienced counselors to aid in your recovery and management of your changed situations?  The peer support here is excellent (we've "been there, done that") but local resources are oh so helpful.

[SinisterComplex]

Our separation is recent, only 2 weeks now, so it is very fresh on my mind and probably the reason I can’t stop crying. He moved out of the house and went back to our home state to “give me a break” after asking for a divorce (again) because he says his needs aren’t being met and no one takes the time to understand him.

I say “again” because divorce is his recent go-to when he is testing us on just how much we care or love him. Before leaving, he had what I consider a complete meltdown, using every tactic to get the “right” reaction out of his kids and I. He professed his love for me which sounded like an unhealthy obsession. He then turned to saying that we all emotionally abused him for the 26 years. He then tried to convince us that the problem was miscommunication all along because we didn’t understand him and how special, unique, and closer to being “Jesus-like” than anyone we would ever meet. He then stated he felt bad for us because we were cruel and didn’t know how to fend for ourselves.

When packing up to leave, he asked my kids to help him load his vehicle and I recently learned that he told each of them individually to do him a favor which was to NOT help me when I had a problem because I needed to figure everything out in my own. Who says that? What person who loves another wants them to struggle or have no support? The only thing that comes to mind is that he wants me to need him. That, coupled by the feeling that when he saw me cry in pain from the situation almost seemed to make him happy…..makes me wonder why I having such a hard time letting it all go.

He has called me every day since he left and in every conversation he only talks about him, his needs, his feelings and how he feels used and discarded now that we have squeezed everything we could from him. He lists everything he has done for the kids as if any caring father wouldn’t do the same. A constant pattern in our marriage is him expressing himself as a victim. He can’t seem to acknowledge anyone else’s pain for longer than a minute and when he does, it’s only to validate how much he can understand us and yet we don’t understand him. As he would put it, he can see his side of the coin and acknowledge my side of the coin because two things can be true.

One thing his therapist was dead on about was saying that we (my kids and I) all had build a wall from all of the trauma his presence has caused and no matter how much he tried, there was not penetrating it. I’m seeing it with my son who
at the moment wants nothing to do with his dad until he acknowledges how he has hurt us and my daughter who is full of anxiety when answering his calls. I’m trying to keep myself and kids sane as we go through this.

To say I am not shocked or surprised by the behaviors would an understatement. This sounds more spot on and typical. I mean no offense when I say that. There is this element of narcissism mixed in because a lot of this comes back to wanting and need complete control. Any deviation from having dominant control leads to temper tantrums. It is very child like because emotionally that is essentially what you are dealing with.

Does that help you feel better? Probably not. All I can do is provide perspective so you can in your mind prevent yourself from wanting to engage in an emotionally charged manner. That is what the goal is...to get you to lose your composure and lose your cool so he can gain some kind of control again. Remember...chaos for him is control.

So try to approach with an indifference. I know there are kids involved. A lot of this you will not have control over either. All you can do is focus on you and your kids and you cannot focus on him. If he is to get better he has to do it on his own for himself. There is no other way.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-