My wife constantly berates me as a covert narcissist (but I'm not!)

[GrayJay]

My first post. My wife of 32 years has been angrily calling me a covert narcissist for the past several years. She is undiagnosed BPD, but has 5 of the 9 traits strongly and a couple more traits partially. She stopped therapy about a year ago after a couple of years of EMDR which did not heal her childhood or early adult trauma, but in my opinion made it worse, leaving her easily triggered. She has reinterpreted our marriage, which I thought was a very happy one until 5 or so years ago, and says that I have been emotionally abusive and neglectful. Our adult children do not agree, but try not to confront her because of her ever-increasing emotional volatility.
What used to be one or two outbursts a year in the first 20 years of our marriage has slowly increased to once or twice a week now. We retired about 8 years ago. I have read several books on BPD and extensively discussed her behavior with my past two therapists and a good friend, in an effort to be a better husband, to help calm her, and also attend to my own mental health. The rages are really wearing me down and it would take a really long post to explain. I have tried very hard, not always successfully, to not JADE, to be empathetic and validating, etc.
I'd like advice on just one topic. She has been accusing me of NPD, specifically covert narcissism, and sends me articles, blogs, and videos via email. She reads articles to me aloud and lectures and scolds me on an almost daily basis. She has literally sent me hundreds of these over the years. She even chose my last therapist for me because he is a specialist in covert narcissism. I like him, and have had about 30 sessions with him, and he says I am not a narcissist of any kind. My wife accuses me of lying and making nice to the therapist, misleading him. He laughs when I tell him this. He has invited her to speak to him privately but she refuses.
So how do I respond to these accusations? Gray rock? Don't JADE? Just listen without disagreeing? Unless I get engaged in some sort of emotional discussion, she gets even angrier, saying that I am stonewalling or I'm emotionally dead, lacking any empathy. I think I'm pretty empathetic, but all the various types of criticism are wearing me down. I spend at least an hour or two each day with honest reflection on what she says, but also having mindful self-compassion and doing some calming meditation. Most of my therapy deals with the problems of this relationship.

So: do you have any ideas how to respond (or not) to endless blame and accusations that I'm a covert narcissist? Thank you!

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[EyesUp]

@GrayJay, you've arrived here with understanding of BPD and skills that can help manage a relationship with a pwBPD. 

You've endured many years of escalating rages, which is a testament to your resilience, commitment, and possibly (likely?) a trauma bond.  You'd like to improve the situation. 

I don't have a simple answer, but I do have an anecdote and some questions - food for thought - which may help the community best respond to your questions...

First, an anecdote:  Before my marriage ended, my uBPDxw accused me of financial infidelity/abuse.  Her accusation was based on the fact that we were stretched financially and I tried to discuss spending limits. She didn't accept limits and expressed that she felt that I was trying to control her.  Yes, I proposed a family budget and mutual spending limits.  However, she had quit her job 3 years earlier.  She originally intended to get another job, but didn't truly pursue it for various reasons. 

After the fact, I learned that she likely quit her job because of an attempted and/or failed affair, and I imagine that her inability to process shame/guilt/remorse for the affair or quitting the job led her to blame me for our financial situation - largely created by her choices...

As the saying goes with BPD (and NPD):  Accusations are often  confessions. 

Although I never felt that I was financially abusive, and I accepted my role as primary earner in our family, I eventually came to understand that perhaps the person who was being abused was me... 

You have some 3rd party / objective validation that you're not a covert narcissist from your therapist and family.  Yet you continue to spend hours everyday considering if your wife's accusations are valid.  Why?

You stated that the repeated accusations - that you're holding on to - are wearing you down.  Why?

While I appreciate that the ongoing conflict is distressing - Why continue to take these accusations so seriously? 

I'm sure you recognize that situation you describe fits patterns of BPD behavior.  e.g., projecting and externalizing distorted feelings about herself?  Villainizing those who are actually most supportive?  Playing the victim?   
 
Here's the twist: 

You can try to avoid triggering your wife.  You can learn communication skills that reduce ways in which your wife may feel criticized or invalidated (of course it will remain perfectly acceptable to her to criticize you). 

However, reading closely - these actions are really about what you can do to change how you behave.  The desired outcome is to change how she perceives and responds to you, but the primary change starts with you.

So - what would it take to change how you feel about the same old accusation?  Have you given any thought to why it might be difficult to get past this particular aspect of the dynamic? 

Stepping way back:  If you're intentionally trying to reduce reactivity and your wife perceives that you're non-reactive or impervious - she might perceive your behavior as indifference...  "he doesn't care about me" > "he only cares about himself" > "he's a covert narcissist" :: distorted thinking...

Considering that pwBPD are often concerned about criticism/rejection/abandonment - perhaps your wife is triggered by what she perceives as your withdrawal?

It's a catch-22 for sure. 

While I don't recommend unloading whatever emotions you're holding back - at least not with your wife, I do recommend a parallel strategy: 

1) take care of yourself.  Find at least a few minutes day to do whatever makes you feel good - work out, go for a hike, read a book, watch a show.  Find the time and space to make yourself a priority

2) explore your motivations with your therapist (or here!), i.e., take some time to focus on yourself - not your wife.  introspection and self-reflection can help you connect with what you can change in yourself - and possibly why your wife's CN accusation is troubling

fwiw, my uBPDxw continues to accuse me of financial abuse, frequently stating that I pay the minimum in child support (I actually pay well above the minimum) - and she's also added narcissism to her list of complaints/accusations...  similar to your situation, my therapist doesn't see it.  Here's the good news - I'm here to tell you:  It will take some work, but you don't need to lose sleep over these accusations.

Let us know if any of this resonates.  Hang in there.

[PearlsBefore]

Over the years my dBPD told people that I am schizophrenic, that I am bipolar, even that I have Borderline Personality Disorder - it's meaningless deflection hoping (and sometimes successfully) distracting from her own very serious and largely untreated BPD.

But because there is literature that says narcissists and BPDs often pair up together, it then becomes the refuge of every BPD to claim that truly they are the victim of a terrible narcissist.

Like you, I was subjected to about thirty sessions with a psychiatrist of my wife's choosing to try and calm the flames - while she kept telling him that he needed to find I was a narcissist...needless to say he very firmly ruled it out, even in writing for her, noting I have very low self-esteem (likely what led me to continue with her) and most importantly that I have an absolute lack of concern about anybody's opinion of me thoroughly counterindicating any potential of narcissism. (Likely because as a child I grew up with a similarly off-kilter and invalidating mother whose opinions of me were not based in reality, then I married someone similar,  but yeah I truly do not care about any employer, friend or relative's opinion of me)

It doesn't matter, she's still convinced that if I tell her not to scream at the children or otherwise abuse them, or if I say I'm correct about how to perform long division and the answer is we need a 31 inche panel not 134 inches as she claims, or I say I'll do the grocery shopping but only if she does dishes while I'm gone...that's all "proof" of "narcissism" to her.

The things people say of a man do not alter a man. He is what he is. Public opinion is of no value whatsoever; I strongly suggest reading https://www.wilde-online.info/the-soul-of-man-under-socialism-page7.html - or if you prefer the Briton's stiff upper lip, try Burton.

Do what thy manhood bids thee do,
 from none but self expect applause;
He noblest lives and noblest dies
 who makes and keeps his self-made laws.

All other Life is living Death,
 a world where none but Phantoms dwell,
A breath, a wind, a sound, a voice,
 a tinkling of the camel-bell.

[GrayJay]

EyesUp, thank you for your thoughtful and wise response. You obviously have experienced many of the same things as me.
I liked your phrase "accusations are often confessions," and I feel it has a lot of validity. So often her most intense criticisms of me are projections of behaviors which she has more obviously than I do. I won't go into examples now, but there are plenty.
Your questions for me are very thought-provoking. Why do I continue to consider if her accusations are valid when I am quite sure they are not? Partly because the long-term criticism is wearing down my sense of self, who I really think I am. If a lie is repeated often enough, many people will tend to believe it. I'm not sure if I would consider it gaslighting because she is (I believe) not intentionally deceiving me in order to get me to question my sanity, but it is having the same effect. As you suggested, I need to work with my therapist on this, and have an unshakeable understanding of who I really am. The accusations are wearing me down because they have been repeated so many times (hundreds over the last few years) and are so time-consuming and always lead to her interrogating me, reading articles aloud to me, asking me what I think of this podcast ... all in an emotionally charged atmosphere. But I've seen progress because in recent months I have been less shaken by these accusations and less reactive, but I still get annoyed at being falsely accused and getting dragged into her emotional depths. I'm working on boundaries (leaving the conversation firmly <yet with some semblance of love> for awhile until she/we can cool down) and emotional detachment. Listen, but don't get drawn into the pit.
You are so correct that I can only change myself, and I thought I learned that in Al-Anon, but it is something that I need to keep reminding myself. Often when I read about the importance of that, there is the follow-on that perhaps the significant other will change in response to changes I make in myself, but there are not guarantees. I really need to give up on hoping she will change, and just take care of myself.  I just need to practice not taking her seriously with some of her false accusations, yet it is difficult to sit there and take it. But I will continue to try to avoid JADEing, something which I first read about on this site and which is very helpful.
I will continue to work with my therapist to not let false accusations get under my skin or wear me down. No guarantees, but over time if she doesn't get the response (guilt, shame) she wants from me, she may drop this particular line of attack.
Again, thank you for your input!

[GrayJay]

PearlsBefore, thank you for your comments and insights. I once read somewhere that a pwBPD often accuses their partner or SO of narcissism because they have such a bottomless need for recognition and security due to their fear of abandonment, that anything less than constant reassurance and complete devotion strikes them as selfishness, lack of empathy, and narcissism in the other person. So, that is possibly a major contributor to their use of the label in criticizing others.

Your words “The things people say of a man do not alter a man. He is what he is. Public opinion is of no value whatsoever” are what I really need to take to heart. I wish I was as disinterested in others’ opinions of me as you are. It is something I really need to work on. The poem stated it well.

So how did/do you deal with the crazy accusations? Laughing is not a healthy option. Do you pretend to listen, then eventually change the subject or walk away? I guess the trick is not to escalate emotionally, and if that angers her as narcissism, lack of love, or lack of empathy, let her stew in her own emotions which may then lead her to therapy or some other change. I suppose it may have to get worse before it gets better, and there’s no guarantee it’ll get better!