Seeking help and perspective on maintaining new boundaries

[quiethorizon]

Hello. First, thank you to those volunteering and providing this forum. It seems like a wonderful place of support. Really grateful.

One year ago I was told by my therapist after they had a consult with my wife's therapist that I need to start reading books on BPD. My wife is not in acceptance of the diagnosis, and I've been informed it obviously isn't my place to label her as that but instead to educate myself on the condition because I was going to need it considering her resistance to the diagnosis and irregular attendance of therapy.

Perhaps once every 2 to 4 weeks some kind of incident will come up where she's triggered. Earlier this week such a thing occurred. Long story short, she told me some news I wasn't excited to hear, I said "ok, that's fine, thanks" in a calm voice, but I guess she could see I was affected and this made her upset. She went to sleep right away, canceling the time we had intended to spend together that night, then the next morning I awoke to her just bristling for a fight but asking to talk. I joined her for the talk, but it didn't last long. All the stops came out. "We've never done anything together where you haven't criticized me", "Name one time you've actually had a good time with me", "You're uninvited to our son and I's (both performing) music recital tonight, it's only for people who support me", and when I didn't shout along with her and just calmly answered that I do have great times with her, provided examples, etc she finally started laughing at me and stormed away calling all of what I was saying ridiculous. I was pretty stunned, considering none of this was even really about what she had told me the night before?

This not at all being my first rodeo, and having already been employing the skills I've been taught by my BPD aware therapist, I didn't argue further and just let her leave the house. I waited a few hours and then sent her a gentle message to say that that I love her, I am here for her, that I will not be missing her or our son's recital that evening, that I feel hurt by what she had said earlier, but that regardless I'd be home on time to get ready and would see her tonight. I said I understood she was upset, told her I forgive her for anything she said, and asked her forgiveness for anything she feels I did to upset her.

She responded with a huge wall of rage saying she could "go through every negative thing I've said to her in that message" (but then didn't??), that I've "really pushed her over the edge this time", that she just couldn't believe after "all she's done for me" and after she has catered to me "every hour, even every minute, of every day", she "couldn't believe I would write with such a fake apology and expect she would apologize too", couldn't believe that I would treat her this way, and that she fears if "you don't get it now, you never will"...you get the picture.

Well that really made my day. I was at this point emotionally affected. Indeed, despite years of this kind of abuse, I felt truly afraid she would do something actually rash like leave me or do something else rash and impulsive. But I waited half an hour, took a breath, and responded (exact copy/paste) "That's pretty hostile, love. It hurts my heart, and I can tell your heart is hurting too. I'm really sad and sorry about that. I'm not gonna argue with you on text. I don't ever really wanna argue with you at all. I love you. I care for you. I will see you at the show."

She responded "I cannot take any more criticism from you. Please do not speak to me if you have more negative things to say."

So there's the backstory. If you're with me so far, you get a gold star. That all happened Monday.

I meet regularly with my therapist anyway, who has helped me deal with this for over a year, and whom I've seen for many years and is just a positive contribution to my life and general self improvement. I called up the therapist and got a session for the next day.

My therapist praised my response for being calm/balanced, but said I was honestly a bit too nice. That I probably in my fear of her leaving or doing something rash had given too much reassurance in the form of "i'm still here for you", "I love you and I'll be there" and worried I was sending the message that regardless of how I'm treated that I won't be affected or that there won't be consequences. That my proactive reassurance was actually a form of enabling.

She asked if my wife had apologized yet. I said nope, total silent treatment. Even when I went to her show and praised her performance. Even when I was home that night for her like I said I'd be. Even when I tried to talk to her. Just total stonewall.

My therapist said I need to try a new direction. That while I of course can maintain not getting mad, raising my voice, etc like I always do, that I should layer on NOT providing reassurances of how here I am and how much I love her in the face of abuse. That instead I need to actually have one of the consequences of her treating me like that be that maybe I am not just still dying to be right next to her the very next moment. She advised I not be vindictive, that I respond cordially or give help if my wife speaks to me or asks for help, but that I otherwise am not actually going out of my way to fix the problem. Therapist has known me a while, and knows my heart eats at me after my wife throws a fit and I tend to go to her and grovel to fix problems I didn't solve, beg for forgiveness for things I didn't do, and generally be the fixer.

Therapist told me to quit doing those things. That if it takes the wife two days or twenty days I need to not actually go fix this one. That I need to use the time to re-calibrate myself, to not be rude but not provide reassurance that it's ok until wife actually comes to make right by what she did here.

This leads up to the present. It's been 4 days now and I hate it. Wife and I living here at home, her acting like I don't exist/giving me dirty looks. Me giving a gentle look or even a smile as I walk through the room, but not saying "oh my gosh I need to apologize and make it right". Though I'm keeping my external composure I hate it, and am going through a lot of fear that this will somehow make it worse instead of better. Wife has acted out a few times during this, as therapist told me she might. One was a super brief conversation telling me she might go to europe..and then when I just said "that sounds nice" instead of acting all surprised at such a thing out of the blue she dropped the topic. The other was saying she was buying our kids christmas gifts without me, which we've for 5 years done together. That was honestly pretty hurtful, but I know she was fishing for another fight so I just said "sounds good, thank you" and didn't show it. But god that made me feel sad. We've always taken such joy in crafting christmas together.

Therapist also discussed and helped me select some new boundaries to utilize calmly in the future, explaining how I could have drawn a boundary for my protection when the conversation turned to rage and accusations instead of continuing to try and just engage her as I did.

What am I asking for here from you on this forum? Some strength, maybe? Reassurance? Or gentle suggestions, if you have any. How do we end this without me fixing it. I've always been the fixer..which is both why its hard for me not to now and I presume why she thinks she doesn't have to because I will eventually come do so. I kindof hate this new strategy, although I also know that I also hate being treated like I was the other day...and soo, so many times before that. But god does it ache my heart to be so disconnected with her for days. It feels like a cold war. She refuses to fix it because..well..honestly I don't know if I've ever given her the chance so she probably doesn't know how. And I'm supposed to not fix it under advice of my therapist (a doctorate with 40 years in practice and a very solid understanding on my wife and I).

I want this to get better. I trust that my therapist understands that and is guiding me with wisdom and care. But god is it hard to just go 4 days with my wife hating my guts. It just feels like burning valuable time in our beautiful life. We have 3 awesome kids, a beautiful home, blessed with more money than we could ever need, a loving family pet, and I just praise and adore and dote on her...apparently even when she is verbally abusive.

This is all a mess. I don't actually know what I'm asking. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've read this far. What a wall of text! Any gentle anecdotes or advice you have to offer would be helpful. I love my wife, I want to make it better. I'm struggling with my prescription being to make it better by NOT making it better.

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[LittleRedBarn]

Hi quiethorizon

I wanted to respond immediately to say - wow - this is impressive. What you are doing is so hard. But you are showing huge insight, tenacity, courage and love.

I'm so glad that you have a well-qualified therapist supporting you in this. I think when we start to make changes in our own behavior (because, of course, we can only ever change ourselves, not the other person!) things often get worse before they start to get better.

This is definitely a time for self-care. Apart from seeing your therapist, and posting here, what other things can you do to support yourself through this?

There are lots of more experienced people than me here on this forum, who I'm sure can help you with some of the finer detail, but my big picture response is that you are doing the right thing, and it is so, so hard.

Stay strong.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi quiethorizon,

I will echo what LittleRedBarn said, it is very impressive how far you have come in a relatively short time with boundaries. That being said, boundaries are very hard for empathic people like many of us "nons" to set and maintain (I know that they have been for me). Let me recommend a book for you that was life-changing for me and really helped me learn how to set boundaries that work. The book is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad. This book helped me end the domestic violence, suicide threats, and divorce threats that had been going on for years. My wife is still not accepting of her diagnosis and is not getting help. Things are not wonderful, but at least my home is safe for the first time in years thanks to strong boundaries. Boundaries that this book showed me how to set and maintain. Good luck and keep up the good work!

HurtAndTired

[quiethorizon]

Wow. Thank you both. I can't believe how positive and supportive these responses both were. It's incredibly validating to me. Sometimes I feel in all this that I'm losing a grip or that I just sound like a babbling idiot when trying to describe it. I was not prepared for these wonderful responses. Thank you. I'll update the thread if I can at a later date, but regardless of how promptly I am able to do so around the holidays I just wanted to tell you both how moved I was by the support and kindness in your words and tell you that that alone really did lift my day.

[MindfulBreath]

I just wanted to say... congratulations on stepping out of the drama triangle! Sounds like you have repeatedly stepped into the role of the hero, always fixing things, and now you are stepping back and allowing her to take some responsibility for her actions.

I just wanted to say that I understand how hard it is to NOT engage, NOT be baited, and NOT do the thing that you do that perpetuates the negative pattern but would result in a swifter resolution. The bottom line is, this pattern hasn't worked well for you in the past and it keeps happening repeatedly (hence, a pattern). It's very difficult to break those, and it sounds like you are doing it. My BPDh will behave similarly - angry texts which get even angrier when I don't respond. However, when they start to get heated, I calmly tell him that it seems the conversation is not going to go anywhere positive and that I will not be reading or replying to any of his messages until he's returned to his baseline of calm. Initially, this really pisses him off. But later, he'll actually go through and delete the messages he sent (that I haven't read yet), because he ends up regretting what he said in anger.

All of this is to say that you can do this! Just keep maintaining your boundaries... and keep making sure that you've communicated to her what they are exactly. That is the one element that is different and difficult here. Perhaps she doesn't know what to do because you haven't told her what has changed. Just like we can't read their minds and truly understand where they are coming from (despite a lot of effort), they can't read ours either.

Good luck; you've got this!