Confused, how to maintain such a marriage, is it worth maintaining

[ingitch]

       I am from China and my English is not good. I can only communicate through Google Translate. I hope you can understand.
       My wife meets all the characteristics of BP high energy type. Because she thinks she is not sick, she refuses to see a doctor and even a psychologist. I am not sure if she also has bipolar disorder. She has 5 dogs and 18 cats. Because she has no job, the main thing every day is to take care of the cats and dogs. Because the cats urinate everywhere, she spends most of her time cleaning the room. Her sleep is completely disordered. She sleeps very little a day, and her sleep quality is not good because of the noise of cats and dogs. I tried to ask if I could reduce the number of cats and dogs. She was very excited. She said that she would rather give up me than give up her cats and dogs. She thinks cats and dogs are her beliefs. In order to raise cats and dogs, she can even make money by prostitution. At present, I am the only one who earns money. The expenses of these cats and dogs are a huge expense for our family. 98% of the total salary income is used for cats and dogs and her consumption. I don’t know how to talk to her about reducing the number of cats and dogs, and I don’t know how to get her to see a doctor. If she doesn’t see a psychologist again, I will have to see one.
      This kind of life has made me lose myself. I no longer know what the meaning of this marriage is. I am busy making money every day. As long as I fail to meet her financial needs, she will go crazy, verbally insulting me and hitting me, asking me to get out of the house and stay away from her. She said that if the money I earn cannot satisfy her, then I should not delay her from finding another man (making money by prostitution). I don't know whether her words are true or false and what the underlying logic is, and how should I deal with it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ingitch]

I still have no clue. The more books and materials I read, the more confused I am. I don’t know what to do.
Yesterday, she contacted me with another WeChat account (not the one she often uses). I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with her doing this (there was someone I was worried about on that WeChat account, so I didn’t want her to use it). The purpose was also to try to establish boundaries (I might have been too impatient and didn’t communicate about establishing boundaries in advance). Her reply was to ask me to pay her money in exchange for talking to me on the WeChat account I often chat with. This happened yesterday afternoon. I didn’t send her any messages until this afternoon (I’m currently on a business trip). This afternoon, she took the initiative to contact me and told me that she wanted to end this relationship and move away with the cats and dogs. I explained my original intention to her, emphasized that this was to make our life and relationship better, and reiterated that I would not leave her, but she did not accept it, and after I expressed my unwillingness to use that WeChat chat, she deleted all our contact information (during this period we have been on the phone). She said that since she did not want to chat on WeChat, she was going to leave her. It didn’t matter what I thought or how I did it. She didn’t care. As long as I gave her money and material things and obeyed all her will, including accepting her insults and mental abuse, this was the real love for her. She also said that I thought establishing boundaries would make us better, but we ended up arguing, which made her very angry. She didn’t care whether it would be better in the future, at least it was not good at the moment. I told her that I established boundaries to give myself self-esteem and to make her respect my feelings a little. I never said that she had a problem, but just said that I had a problem and needed to improve and change. Establishing boundaries was an attempt to change. She said that she understood everything I said, but she just didn’t accept it. She didn’t care about my feelings. In her opinion, I was not as important as her dog. She said that she knew I loved her, but she didn’t love me, because she couldn’t live without the dog, but she could leave me. During the 2-hour phone call, I could talk at my own pace except for the first 20 minutes. After that, I had to follow her pace. She kept interrupting me when I was talking, and then she asked me to answer. She kept interrupting me during the answering process. One question diverged into many questions. My mind was completely confused. There was no logic or thinking at all.
In her opinion, the reason why I wanted to make my life better was completely unnecessary. She thought that as long as I met her material needs and obeyed her will, she could do whatever she wanted and abuse me if she wanted. She said she wanted to be a god and asked me to worship her like a god and lick her like a dog. As for my feelings, my pain, and everything about me, she didn't care about it (excluding money).
I don't know whether what she said was true or not, but it sounded too hurtful. When I was angry, I was hesitating whether to continue to save the relationship or just let it go and let her go.
I was anxious to establish boundaries and improve relationships because I found that my mental state was not right. I had insomnia, anorexia, and no interest in anything (including the games I usually played). I began to have trouble distinguishing between dreams and reality. I thought that things in dreams were real. Many times I woke up and confirmed that it was a dream. I was worried that if I didn't make changes, the problem would get worse.
What should I do?

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to consider what boundaries are. Boundaries are not something we impose on another person. Boundaries reflect our own values. They may be different for different people. Boundaries aren't to tell someone else not to do something. They are for us to decide what to do if someone breaks our own boundaries.

For example, a boundary might be to keep our house safe. To tell a robber "don't come in my house" isn't a boundary. The boundary is on us - what we do. It's to keep the door locked and if someone breaks in- call the police.

In your marriage, there's a disagreement on what each of you want. Your wife has stated she wants the dogs and cats and needs you to finance this. You don't want to support all the dogs and cats.

Saying to your wife "I don't want you to keep these dogs and cats" isn't a boundary. It's like telling the robber to not go into your house. If a robber wants to go into your house, they will. Your boundary is your own actions- what do you want and what will you do?

Sometimes disagreements can be worked out and sometimes they are "deal breakers" - situations that can not be resolved between two people. You brought this up with your wife in your discussion and she stated her position: the dogs and cats stay, you need to support them.

What are your choices? One is to accept her terms and go along with it. The other is to decide this is incompatible. These are not easy choices. But back to boundaries- they are your actions. We can not control another person- only our own choices.

[Notwendy]

It's a complicated situation because the animals are dependent on you at the moment. It would be cruel to not provide for them and let them suffer. However, as long as you support this situation it will not change. Your part in this- the part you control- is your financing the situation. For this to change, you need to change your part in it.

Your wife also needs to have some investment in the marriage. If you don't support the animals, will she still choose the marriage or not? She has choices as well, but she is also financially dependent on you.

I don't know what resources are available in China. In the US, there are animal shelters but a pet owner would not want to do this to their pets. If they absolutely can not keep them, they'd look for a good home for them. I think it's undstandable that your wife wouldn't want to just leave them.

On the other hand, it's also understandable that you don't want to live in a house with all these pets or keep supporting them.

This is affecting your mental health. Perhaps the best first step is to seek out a counselor for yourself. Counseling will help you to work out your own feelings and be a support for you in your choices.

[ingitch]

Thank you for your reply, it is very helpful to me, thank you.