Is she really gone?

[AndrewPC]

I have been in a relationship with a girl who exhibits many traits of BPD.  She would all of a sudden with no perceivable warning go from being absolutely fine and having fin enjoying my company to a strange silent treatment where if you ask her if everything is ok she would answer cryptically like “it’s all manipulation,” or “you don’t listen to me anyway so why should I tell you?”

Sometimes she can be rational and we are ok for weeks on end with only minor incidents, but recently after a very nice week she started ghosting me out of the blue when we would usually check in once or twice a day on days we were apart. This lasted about 4 days and I texted 2-3 times a day with posts just sort of ignoring the ghosting just telling her about my day and wishing her a good night or whatever and just a hint of “I see you’re not replying, are you upset with me about something?”  Finally I sent a longer gentle note explaining that I was confused about her lack of response… did she need time? Was she upset with me? Did she not want to see me anymore?  And I got a very angry answer telling me I have to stop, that we are not married, we have no kids, my wanting her attention was codependent, and she wasn’t going to reward my trying to get her attention, that I was insecure and didn’t trust her.

I certainly wasn’t not trusting her. i just wanted to know what was going on and why she started not replying for days on end which wasn’t our usual routine. She had been spending 3-4 days a week over at my place and we were very close and now all of a sudden she was acting like she hated me with no perceptible fight or incident or reason. She wouldn’t communicate or talk about it. Her words were suddenly very unkind after not saying anything.

I explained to her that I was on her side and not against her and I simply wanted to know what she wanted. If she needed some space that was fine, but to just communicate that so I wasn’t in limbo. We had holidays coming up and she was incommunicado.  I told her I would wait to hear from her which she put a like on.

Four days went by and I tried texting again just to check in lightly and realized I was blocked. I tried texting on instagram and shortly after she blocked me there too.

I am still in love with her. She can truly be amazing when things are good, and I don’t want to lose her. But ai fear she may be done with me. Which I would respect if she would just tell me. She has a lot of her things still at my place and I am in limbo. It has been a torturous 10 days.

Any insight would be helpful on strategies to get her back and to explain what exactly is happening.

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[SinisterComplex]

I have been in a relationship with a girl who exhibits many traits of BPD.  She would all of a sudden with no perceivable warning go from being absolutely fine and having fin enjoying my company to a strange silent treatment where if you ask her if everything is ok she would answer cryptically like “it’s all manipulation,” or “you don’t listen to me anyway so why should I tell you?”

Sometimes she can be rational and we are ok for weeks on end with only minor incidents, but recently after a very nice week she started ghosting me out of the blue when we would usually check in once or twice a day on days we were apart. This lasted about 4 days and I texted 2-3 times a day with posts just sort of ignoring the ghosting just telling her about my day and wishing her a good night or whatever and just a hint of “I see you’re not replying, are you upset with me about something?”  Finally I sent a longer gentle note explaining that I was confused about her lack of response… did she need time? Was she upset with me? Did she not want to see me anymore?  And I got a very angry answer telling me I have to stop, that we are not married, we have no kids, my wanting her attention was codependent, and she wasn’t going to reward my trying to get her attention, that I was insecure and didn’t trust her.

I certainly wasn’t not trusting her. i just wanted to know what was going on and why she started not replying for days on end which wasn’t our usual routine. She had been spending 3-4 days a week over at my place and we were very close and now all of a sudden she was acting like she hated me with no perceptible fight or incident or reason. She wouldn’t communicate or talk about it. Her words were suddenly very unkind after not saying anything.

I explained to her that I was on her side and not against her and I simply wanted to know what she wanted. If she needed some space that was fine, but to just communicate that so I wasn’t in limbo. We had holidays coming up and she was incommunicado.  I told her I would wait to hear from her which she put a like on.

Four days went by and I tried texting again just to check in lightly and realized I was blocked. I tried texting on instagram and shortly after she blocked me there too.

I am still in love with her. She can truly be amazing when things are good, and I don’t want to lose her. But ai fear she may be done with me. Which I would respect if she would just tell me. She has a lot of her things still at my place and I am in limbo. It has been a torturous 10 days.

Any insight would be helpful on strategies to get her back and to explain what exactly is happening.

First, welcome to the fam.  

Second, so no this is not easy and I certainly can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. The good news is that at least here you will converse with many who can relate and do understand you.

You may not like my take here, but hear me out...

You have to focus on you and you alone right now. Take care of yourself. Go to work. Workout. Focus on your personal health. She may reach out to you and she may not. Do not sit there waiting for it to happen, but instead let things play out as they are meant to. You cannot control another person, only yourself.

You may be in love, but the ball is in her court. Nothing you do is going to change that. So let her come back to you. She will do it on her own if she wants. Do not worry about being limbo, but instead place the focus on what you can control right now...YOU, your situation, your response to the situation, and whatever else is in your control.

Also, just because you focus on yourself or choose to put yourself first does not mean you love her any less or that you do not want to be with her. The truth is you may lose her, but it won't be your fault, it will be her choice. So focus on being okay with yourself regardless of the outcome here.

Please continue to engage with the community at large here. Ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want to.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Under The Bridge]

Hello and may I extend my welcome too.

I can only concur with everything Sinister Complex says. From your post it seems obvious that you're a caring person and you've done everything that you can to be inderstanding and supportive - as we all have done in our own cases - - and all you can do now is to take care of your own well-being and let things proceed as they will.

The non-BDP partner always thinks 'is there something I haven't done yet which will magically make all the difference and cure the problem?' but there isn't. In a logical world 2+2 always equals 4 but there's little logic in BPD, only intense emotions which leave the non-BDP partner confused and unable to understand why they aren't getting the results they want even though they're doing everything right.

There are no concrete strategies to win back someone with BPD - they themselves don't know how they'll act from day to day so how can we ever know and plan accordingly?  From my own experience, I'd now give your g/f space and let her approach you in her own time - if she ever does. Constantly remind yourself that you've done all you can and the problem isn't yours nor was it caused by you. You're there for her, she knows that and you can do no more.

My ex would cut off contact for months sometimes but would then eventually start coming into the places we used to go and it was obvious she was looking for me. I would talk to her again and then we ended up back together.. until the next time it happened. There's simply no predictable pattern to their actions, which is all the more frustrating.

Best wishes whatever happens.

[AndrewPC]

So an update…

I took a chance today to go to a dance night she likes to go to sometimes. I went with a buddy, and let her know I was there. She decided to come just as we were leaving. She areived in a super sexy and somewhat inappropriate Sequin Santa outfit complete with a very revealing mini skirt. She looked super sexy. It was like she was trying to show me what I would be missing. I mean she would be preaching to the choir about that. She did dance with me once but instead of following my leads like she usually does she was critical of my moves. When she was dancing with other people there (for far lobger than she did with me) she was super sensual with them as if to rub it in. Not her usual behavior.

We went back toher car to talk when she wanted to leave and she was saying that my texting her a lot wheb she wasn’t texting back was conteolling and jealous behavior. I don’t know where she got the jealousy thing from because I wasn’t feeling that at all regarding her lack of reply all those days. I explained that my concern came from the fact that there was a sudden lack of communicatoon and my fear was not that she was with someone else, but that she was upset with me for sometning.


We talked for awhile and whole at first she seemed to be wavering slightly, being on the side of devaluing me on the solit, she finally said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

Well at least she said what she wanted and I will have to give power to her words.

My feeling is that she is at a stage of life where she wants to feel validated and she can only get that from new people and external sources. So she views normal etiquette ina healthy traditional relationship as “controlling” or a “loss of freedom”.

And to a degree she is right about a loss of freedom. When we willingly go into a relationship we all know that with committing to it comes the favt thatbsomeone else is in your life who you are accountable to, and it is by choice to reap the benefits of a committed relationship.

So ly conclusion is that if she looks at it as a loss of freedom and loss of control, she probably isn’tvready for a comityedbrelationship even though we talked about moving in together and marriage and kids. She also has a bit of a double standard. She can donthings thatbif I did she would throw a fit.

It was painful hearing she wanted to break up and considered us already broken up.

However her saying that at least allows me to treat it like anbreakup. This is what she wants, then I have to treat it accordingly.

I did tell her that ghis is nit what I wanted. I would rather work on our communication.

For me with all the bad it is hard to say goodby to such mind blowing sex on a regular basis.  And to the amazing connection when it is there.

I have a bunch of Christmas gifts for her, and I offered for her to come over zsaturday and give them to her. She said she wasn’t sure if she should accept them because she didn’t want to lead me on. I told her that I understand how she feels and I would like her to have them since I did put a lot of thought into them and bought them for her. So we will see what she decides to do.

In my experience with her I was in a similar status a few months ago where we had a breakup after I took her on a trip to Hawaii and she took a hit of LSD and had an episode later that day that continued for most ofnthe teip. I was the biggest villain in her life despite being nothing but kind to her. And we got back together a few weeks later like nothing happened. She never took any accountability for anything she did wrong and I ended up telling her I should have handled things differently which may be true but still doesn’t excuse her irrational and dangerous behavior.

But we did get back together and had an amazing three months with few incidents until this.
I am hoping we can recover and she sees me on the good side of the split again. .

I do love her very much and I want to have a chance..

I am going to take some time for me and be at a distance for awhile and give her a little time to miss me. I will treat it like a breakup and act accordingly.

Very sad though.

[Under The Bridge]

I am going to take some time for me and be at a distance for awhile and give her a little time to miss me. I will treat it like a breakup and act accordingly.

This is the best way to go for now I think - though it's not necessarily the total end as from what you've written there still seems to be something there from her as she hasn't given you the definitive 'I never want to see or hear from you again' speech (and even if she had she can change her mind at anytime).

She danced with you and even though she complained about you being 'jealous', she danced with others in a way to purposely make you jealous. She also discussed things with you and didn't ignore you and hopefully she will accept the presents you bought her, so these are a few indicators - even if tiny ones - that she is not 100% sure of what she truly wants.

Only time will tell now so live your life for yourself and see how things go. Things can change and if she does want to get back with you she will certainly let you know.

Best wishes