thinking about divorcing bpd husband, feeling guilty

[exploradora]

Hello, I’m a first poster, and was extremely happy for finding this site! I come back here from time to time, getting tips and know hows, but it is time now for my first post, as I feel helpless.

I am 30 yrs old with a 34yrs old husband diagnosed with bpd, married for 4 yrs and together for 6.
He was diagnosed before we met so I was aware of it, when he proposed and I said yes. I married him, even though my mother was really against it (not against him tho, they too have a very good relationship, but I guess she just saw signs I didn’t). 
The beginning was very good, but in the first year of marriage I moved to a neighbouring country for work (we agreed on it beforehand) and some big family issues happend and it went haywire since I moved back home. I moved back to him splitting for the first time in our relationship, went suicidal, blamed me for “not seeing his life fall apart”, demanding a divorce and for him to move away. I knew it was splitting, so I recommended moving to a new apartment together, and for both of us going to therapy. He started it, and started steadily becoming better, but then his therapist died suddenly.

Since then it is utter chaos. Haven't found a stable therapist, even though he is suicidal every few months, cutting his wrists and/or taking random sedatives but the eastern european health care system does not reply to it properly, and they just let him go even after we call the ambulance on him. He wants to divorce every few months and I am getting tired. He could get hospitalized if he chose to, but he is always finding excuses for it.
He also has a terrible relationship with his mother who has zero emotional intelligence, which pushes him back every time they interact. She keeps abandoning him over and over, and I understand his pain but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

My crohns disease is in a constant flare up since the past year, and my last drop was a week ago when I watched my grandfather die, have my other grandad in ICU and I couldn’t even have any grieving moments because he is in an episode. He is in it still, I don’t think he had a clear moment mentally for days now, or an uncut part of his skin on his wrist.
I feel for the first time that it is actually time for me to leave, for the sake of my own health but I just feel immensely guilty.
He is a wonderful person, and I still love him dearly, but it kills me to see him suffer, and I just don’t have anything left in me. Even though my support system (who love and support him too, despite everything) tells me that I am becoming a wreck, I’m just torn.
I planned my whole life with him, children and all but I just can’t imagine him getting good enough for that in the next decade.

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[kells76]

Hi exploradora and welcome back 

Oh wow... a therapist dying would be difficult for anyone, to say nothing of a pwBPD. I'm so sorry that happened to him (and you); it's a big loss.

How long ago did that happen?

And then for you to lose your grandfather, with everything else going on... that's so much to handle.

The two of you are under immense stress right now. It's no wonder that his needs (pumped up by BPD) are too much for you at the moment, and your very normal needs (grieving a family loss) are too much for him.

I think I am reading correctly that the two of you are living together in the new apartment? Is that right?

Do you have anyone you could stay with temporarily (family, friends, neighbors)? Trying to think of ways where you can get a break, without having to make a big "divorce or not" decision in the midst of other stresses.

I've heard it said that one shouldn't make big life decisions (divorce, etc) under stress.

I wonder if you can give yourself permission to postpone that decision for the moment -- gift yourself space to grieve your losses, maybe temporarily stay with family or a friend, and get back closer to an emotional baseline, then reassess.

It may be that when you're more grounded, you are OK with staying... or, you may have the insight that you need to separate. However, you'd be making that decision from a place of more calm and peace, instead of in the whirlwind of so much pain.

I really feel for you both, and I hope some of those ideas can be helpful for you.