GF with BPD: New Journey to Strengthen Relationship

[gfwbpd]

Hello and I’m so glad I found this forum!  As a romantic partner to someone with BPD, I’ve found there to be limited resources for family either online or local and I appreciate everyone who participates here!

As the title suggests, I’m embarking on my journey to strengthen our relationship with my girlfriend who has been diagnosed with BPD (and other disorders) and my goal is to create a stable, supportive environment where we can grow as a couple, repair some of the damage that we’ve experienced, and move forward together.  Typically, once I uncover what I believe to be a root cause for a situation, I’m a fixer and look for results and answers rather quickly, but I know some changes will happen over the next several months, others could take years, and still others could require a lifelong commitment.

I’ve had the opportunity to really dig into BPD and have learned quite a bit since last Friday and I’m looking to share and learn from this community.  I welcome any feedback, advice and questions, and realize that along with support and insight, I will be asked very difficult questions here and that’s okay!  I just expect patience and respect from others, and I will return the same.
 
Next post will likely be wordy (I can explain a lot) but I need guidance, resources and insight into navigating  her behavior of hiding relationships with other men.  Namely a platonic friend (now out of the picture (her choice)) who was inappropriate but filled her dopamine bucket, and the father of her child who she won’t set boundaries with.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gfwbpd]

I’ll start by sharing a little about us, what we’ve been through, some generalities of her diagnosis, what I want to accomplish and a burning question that I have.  I mentioned I’ve had a lot of time to research since last Friday and that’s due to her being committed to in-patient at a local behavioral center on Friday with a release scheduled for tomorrow.

First, there is an age difference between us and I’m 23 years older.  I have two children with my ex-wife (teens) and she has two children with different fathers, one is a teen and one is a toddler.

I had a fairly normal life, product of divorced parents, both parents and brother were college graduates, and I have a Bachelors (that I earned later in life). Other than my father being an alcoholic, there was no drug abuse in my family, no criminal records, and I have a well paying job with great benefits and retirement accounts.

She was born into a family where both parents struggled, mother had PTSD and father had anger issues (she believes he may have had behavioral issues like BPD).  She wasn’t cared for as a child and was pulled from school around 11 for homeschooling that wasn’t maintained. Her parents didn’t seem to value her or her opinions, she wasn’t allowed to have feelings or talk back, and often went to bed hungry.  She lived near her grandmother and whenever her parents were fighting or wouldn’t let her do what she wanted, she went to her grandmother’s who took care of her and let her do whatever she wanted.  She didn’t have a stable/structured upbringing and never finished school. She got caught up with the wrong people, was first raped by 13 and got involved in sex trafficking (she didn’t realize that until we discussed it about a year ago). She transitioned into several unhealthy relationships, and it wasn’t until we were dating that she realized that being around people who cheated, abused alcohol and drugs, and were addicted to pornography wasn’t normal – but this is what she was exposed to through most of her life.   Everyone from her father (didn’t drink) to every man she’s ever been with were gamers, openly addicted to porn, and none of them seemed to have direction in life.  She was constantly in sexually/emotionally abusive relationships and only one was physically abusive – we’ll call him M.

I believe she was born with ADHD and a propensity for BPD that was likely triggered through her long-term trauma that also created PTSD.

[gfwbpd]

I’ve learned quite a bit about her and her life over the past 2.5 years and will share here – this is turning into a long post but I’m finding it therapeutic.

We met online in May 2022 and started dating immediately.  As I’ve learned about the relationship stages with BPD, in hindsight much of it falls into place – I was immediately “the one” for her, the person she’s been searching for, and I evoked feelings from her that she hadn’t previously experienced.  Soul mate was a word she used within a month along with being in love with me.  I know this immediate idolization isn’t uncommon with BPD, but I will say that when things are going well she still feels this way, so I don’t know how much is BPD idolization (devaluation does occur) and how much is real – with our true common interests (different from what may have been fabricated by her initially) and connection I lean towards her feelings being authentic.

Within the first few months of dating her, I learned more about her situation with her husband and started to notice inconsistencies in her story which is likely due to her wanting to build create a façade so I wouldn’t abandon her.  I’m realizing that now and had trouble processing it back then.  My ex and I were openly working on our divorce, our children were aware, and we were both dating others while I remained in the house.  My gf told a similar story about her situation, he was aware and she was staying to work out details, and they had both agreed to date others – this wasn’t true and I don’t believe he had any idea she was leaving until late September.  I had moved out in June 2022, and she moved in with me that October.
Things went okay until the following Spring, but the person she portrayed herself as started to crumble as we lived together.  I knew her as someone with functioning depression, a hard worker, helpful around the house, and active in school (but temporarily out for the summer/fall).  Within 2 months the truth came out as she was constantly depressed, lacked motivation, lost her job, and struggled with helping me on a daily basis (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.).  When we discussed she stated that after being in relationships for so long where she was unable to relax, she was enjoying the ability to have someone else (me) take care of her.  It was interesting for me, at my age, to be living with some who didn’t know how to cook, clean, do laundry, or most things I take for granted.  And, she was disorganized, messy, and spent her time drawing, writing or on social media while I took care of most everything else.   Further discussions led me to believe that in general, she’d always had someone to take care of her and lacked the basic skills (and drive) to do anything – this started at a young age and continued through most of her relationships.

April 2023 was the first event in our relationship that I was aware of, however there was one in February that I learned about a few months later.  She had always claimed to be an empath, I believe that has more to do with her BPD and PTSD (more on that later), but I’ve been able to read people’s true intentions (more good vs. bad person when we meet) since I was a child and I also get a “vibe” when something isn’t right (which she hates as I’ve caught her many times). To be honest, I had a weird vibe and looked through her phone – I know this is an invasion of her privacy and out of character for me, to the extent that I never snooped in 20 years of my previous marriage, but I had this feeling that something was off that I couldn’t shake. I found two things – she had recently met her ex-husband (M.) for coffee (previous ex, not who she was with when we met), and she was allowing in questionable text messages with another man – we’ll call him C..  For her ex, this shook me as it was secretive and he was incredibly abusive to her (physical, sexual and emotional) and she had discussed him, their marriage, and what it took to get away from him with me in previous conversations.  As it took them a bit to coordinate their meeting (she was back in school) it stuck me a purposeful, pre-meditated and lacking in moral/ethical boundaries.  For the inappropriate messages with the other man, it was one-sided as he would send suggestive messages that she didn’t respond to and would continue communicating as if he never said anything inappropriate – more on him later as this continued for quite a while. 

Her meeting her ex for coffee was the first time my trust was broken with her, and I seriously considered ending the relationship.  I don’t believe anything else happened when they met as there was nothing to indicate it in the few days of messages that followed.  Of course we discussed what happened, and she said that he had always viewed and treated her as a POS and she wanted to meet with him to prove that she was capable of being more that what he thought of her, and that was the extent of it.  She also shared that he always seemed to reach out to her when she was down and vulnerable, and in the past this is when she would cheat (on him, while feeling down) which raised a red flag with me creating doubt.  I believe this meeting gave her some type of closure as she was finally able to permanently devalue him and blocked him on all social media, in her phone, etc.  As of now the only contact he’s had with her is through a fake FB account in December – she openly shared his message with me and blocked that account as well.

The situation with the other man who messaged her, C., might be a little different from a BPD perspective. Everything with him came to a head last November when she was finally able to realize their relationship was one sided, with him pushing sex and her looking for validation, and she also blocked all access from him.  This story is slightly different as they were never involved.  He’s someone involved with one of the local media stations and a station her family preferred when she was growing up, so she may have idolized his relation to the station.  She met him several years ago when he filmed her during the holidays (she worked at a mall) and put her on the air which I assume was flattering. Part of her closure with him was finally realizing that whenever they were in public on a professional level, he really acted like they were barely friends, but he was different in his personal messages to him.  She shared that whenever they communicated in private, he completely gushed over her on how beautiful she was, how great of a person she was, and how she only wants the best for others in life.  What she realized was that he may have been grooming her for something, and that she was able to always count on him whenever she needed validation or a dopamine hit – I believe this is related to her identity issues with BPD.  When I finally learned that she was still communicating with him (after telling me she wasn’t), I learned she had setup an IG account in the summer, both of them had blocked me, and they were using it to communicate.  She’s also devalued him and as of today I’m not aware of any contact with him.  Another factor with C. is that I’d asked her to stop communicating with him previously, and she shared that one of her behaviors is that any time she’s been asked to stop doing something, all she can do is think about how to get away with it (since childhood).

[gfwbpd]

On to her most recent ex, we’ll call him J. This is the father of her toddler so someone she will need to have contact with long-term.  This is who she left for me in Sept. 2022, likely without his knowledge, and someone she says she’s never cared for.  She was making plans to leave him before getting pregnant with her daughter, and thought that having a child and a house would make everything better in life.  This was another person that she had a dysfunctional relationship with who was demeaning and a sex addict, openly addicted to porn, which he used when she couldn’t satisfy him so certainly an emotional toll on her.  Their relationship started in an unconventional way – he was friends with her previous ex, M., and the three of them lived together for a time.  M. had some perversions, and ultimately came out as bi, convincing the three of them to have relations.  She said she didn’t like it, they used a lot of drugs and alcohol with her, but in a way it was nice to have someone attracted to her that wasn’t abusive like M.   After a few months J. kicked M. out and I believe my gf viewed J. as her savior (idolization?).  She did ultimately leave J., but I don’t believe she’s ever had closure on their relationship due to guilt, remorse, leaving her daughter, etc.

J. has been the greatest challenge in our relationship.  I mentioned earlier that there was an incident in Feb  2023 that I learned about later – she was having me transfer photos to a new phone and there were pictures of the two of them with their daughter on Valentine’s Day.  Initially she told me he found out where she was with her daughter (I knew she was having her) and just “showed up”, but over time the story has evolved into them meeting.  That’s the thing with lies – the more you tell them the more you slip up and I didn’t know she purposely met him until earlier this year.

In July 2023 I found out she had visited his house twice where their daughter lives.  On the second Saturday, I got my weird vibe and called her a few times which she pushed to VM.  Then a video call with the same.  Shortly afterwards, she video called me and I could tell she was in his driveway in her vehicle – this was the same place she used to video call me before she left so it was obvious.  I asked if she was at his house and she said no and looked down – classic behavior when lying.  When she got home I asked her again and she denied being there, so I asked her to show me her Google Maps timeline – I could tell by the expression on her face she knew she was caught.  The conversation escalated into me asking her to move out, and in the 2 minutes it took for me to get her a glass of water she self-harmed on her leg needing 28 stiches over multiple incisions. To this day she claims nothing happened intimately, and I don’t have proof one way or another, but yeah I have my doubts.

Over the course of the next week recovering at our place, for some reason they didn’t admit her, she was able to convince me of her remorse and desire to change her behavior (that happens every time).  There are other instances where she’s wanted to meet with him, but I’m not aware of any.  Through our relationship, she’s been very secretive with their messages, even though I’ve told her and shown her that I want transparency.  My ex and I use a parenting app and text more recently, and for the longest time I’ve shared our messages with my gf (even having her respond when we’re in the car) and whenever my ex calls I put her on speakerphone – my gf has done none of this.

We’ve had quite a few conversations around J. in the last few months, getting to the point where I told her that I felt she had unresolved emotional issues with him and she needed to return to sort things out to see if they could make their marriage work (neither have filed for divorce, but I don’t read into that based on their personalities).

Here’s what I’ve been able to ascertain from our recent conversations –
•   She’s never had any deep feeling for J. as she basically left twice, when we discussed her moving back she stated “I handled him before, I can handle him again”…that sounds healthy.
•   She sees him as her savior and might not remember the negative parts of their relationship
•   She has issues with relationship closure and boundaries
•   As she’s constantly afraid I’ll abandon her and ask her to move out, she sees him as her safety net.  If I kick her out, she has no money, no job, no friends/family here and no where to go, and keeping the door cracked with him retains the option to move back to him. 
•   She’s afraid that if she implements boundaries, he may prevent her from seeing her daughter
•   He’s very laid back (current or previous drug user) and never questioned where she goes, what she’s doing, or what she spends their money on (180 degree different from me) as I like to know what her plans are (don’t micro-manage) and what she’s spending money on).  She described this as him creating a sense of calm for her.
•   He validates her when I don’t.  For instance, she often spends large periods of time reposting videos on IG generating significant number of likes and views (sometime 1M) and when she shares with me I can downplay it as she’s been on the couch all day, whereas he’s impressed and gives her a dopamine hit.

[gfwbpd]

That’s quite a bit to take in and I apologize for the lengthy posts.

So where am I at with this and what do I need?

After much soul searching, I’m not ready to end the relationship.  I believe that had I known more about BPD we might be on a different trajectory.  She was initially mis-diagnosed as BP2 due to some manic episodes that I now believe we emotional deregulation (spending, cleaning, etc.).

I can’t fix her or take the blame for what she’s done – those were her decisions and she’s accountable, even if she tried to blame them on me and how I fail to hear/see her and the relationship issue were my fault.

We have a diagnosis, she’s aware she needs help and wants/needs to change.  She’ll be entering intensive out-patient therapy on Thursday which will be 20 hours/week (4 hours 5 days/week).  She has meds, which she takes, and with her stay they changed and added (kept 200mg sertraline, increased bupropion to 450mg XR (was 300mg XR), and added something new).
I believe, that if I was able to identify her triggers and mental state in the past, that we may have been able to talk things out (may have, that’s’ speculation).   We’ve had great conversations over the weekend (1 hr. visitation yesterday) and she’s aware and appreciative of all of the research I’ve done (found several great videos on YT and YT Music) and what my goals are to support her.

My goal, in combination with her therapy, is to provide a stable, structured environment where she can feel safe and work through this.  An environment where I learn triggers and respond or comfort/reassure as needed.  Example – I WFH with projects, and sometimes when I’m making a latte I’m processing and in task mode – my body language and facial expressions can trigger her.  I need to understand that’s happening, and purposely take a few minutes to sit with her, tell her what’s happening with work, and assure her I’m not upset with her or leaving.  This is something simple that I never understood previously.   Actually, there are a multitude of things I never understood previously…

[gfwbpd]

So what’s next?  I’ve created a 2025 goal plan related to our relationship that I will share with her, and I need to be diligent.  As Dr. Daniel Fox preaches – say what I mean and mean what I say, and stability, consistency and predictability should help.
As I dug into what’s important for her, I had a couple of realizations.  For one, I was talking with her this morning confirming her release, and accidentally over-talked her when she was sharing something.  I stopped and apologized to which she replied “that’s ok”.  I said that it wasn’t fair to her as her voice is important, and she replied “I don’t think it is and I’ve never been around anyone who thought it was”.  I analyze everything and my take away is that this is a reflection of her self-image, and I wasn’t excluded from the “never been around anyone” statement which means I’m included and that small changes in awareness will have a positive impact.

As she returns, we’re certainly going to be in somewhat of a honeymoon period so the next few weeks will be important.  We’ve typically been on a pattern of having an “event” every 3 months, and I believe awareness, planning and openness will help minimize struggles and our pattern.

I’ve already shared that my plan is to create an open, caring, supportive and predictable environment for her for stability.  I’m planning on multiple check-ins during the day (WFH) starting every morning.  Key items are identifying triggers, creating a safe word, create a stabilization plan when she’s feeling anxious/stressed/afraid, practice emotional intelligence, and ensure I’m validating her frequently.

Additionally, one of her deeper goals in life is to have a family environment.  I shared previously what her childhood looked like with her parents and grandmother.  I believe she rushed into marriage with her first, M., to create a family, and once she found our she was pregnant with J. she immediately wanted to get married, buy a house, and start a family (this was all her idea and he was even late to their wedding…).  This is important as I haven’t done a great job of creating that environment with her daughter and I’ll own that.  With her behavioral challenges, lack of self-esteem, anxiety and overwhelming fear of losing her daughter, she has a very loose parenting style that can create a lot of stress for me as her daughter frequently has outbursts and anger issues when she doesn’t get her way.  She doesn’t act this way when she’s with me or in school, so I assume it’s related to the dynamic my gf creates with her. During my conversation around the father, J., she did say that they were able to create a family dynamic that was important to her, and I believe that’s been a gap in our relationship that I need to address.

I’m a realist and understand that I can’t fix her or take accountability for what she’s done in the past.  My hope is that with a solid, committed plan to support her, minimize triggers, create a family environment and ensure she feels heard and validated, I will be providing everything that I can for her.

[kells76]

Hi gfwbpd and

Glad we can be a resource to you as you figure out navigating a challenging family system. Much of what's effective when dealing with BPD in a family system can be unintuitive, so education and peer support are good starting points 

It sounds like you're feeling hopeful and determined right now, and want to have a really good plan. It makes sense that you hope to translate what you've been learning into meaningful actions and structures.

...

Just a few questions for you (in no particular order), to understand your situation a little better...

Is your GF in BPD-specific treatment right now, or specific inpatient that's not for BPD (i.e. drug rehab), or general/nonspecific mental health inpatient?

I think I'm reading that there are 4 kids in the family (2 of yours, 2 of hers). How old are they, and what's the parenting schedule?

Are you in contact with the treatment team at the inpatient facility (has your GF signed disclosure forms authorizing her doctors to talk with you)? Do they offer any family support groups, and if so, do you attend?

Are you in touch with the day treatment team yet? Same question, do they offer family support groups, or family therapy, or couples therapy, etc?

Do you have a therapist or counselor for yourself? This can be critical when BPD is in a family system, regardless of who does or doesn't have BPD.

How did your GF respond to hearing that she was diagnosed with BPD?

Have you heard of the NEABPD Family Connections program?

...

There's a lot of positive happening (receiving treatment is big), and at the same time, there will be challenges in your journey forward.

While our article on Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder is written as if it's a child getting treatment, the principles and approaches generally remain the same when it's a spouse, partner, or other non-child loved one.

BPD recovery will be a marathon, not a sprint, and my gut feeling is it will have less to do with the specific details of any plan (what you do in the relationship), and much more to do with how you do the relationship -- with be-ing differently, vs do-ing or saying differently (though those are certainly part of it).

The whole article is really helpful and I'd excerpt the whole thing here if I could! Keeping it brief, the parts that stood out to me that might relate to your situation were on expectations and collaboration:

How Long Does It Take To Recover?
 
Change is difficult.
Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that "great" progress has been made or giving "You can do it" reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment. The families of people with Borderline Personality Disorder can tell countless stories of instances in which their son or daughter went into crisis just as that person was beginning to function better or to take on more responsibility.

...

Lower your expectations.
Set realistic goals that are attainable. Solve big problems in small steps. Work on one thing at a time.

Big long-term goals lead to discouragement and failure.

...

A major task for families is to slow down the pace at which they or the patient seeks to achieve goals. By slowing down, they prevent the sharp swings of the pendulum as described and prevent experiences of failure that are blows to the individual’s self-confidence. By lowering expectations and setting small goals to be achieved step by step, patients and families have greater chances of success without relapse. Goals must be realistic. For example, the person who left college mid-semester after becoming depressed and suicidal under the pressure most likely could not return to college full time a few months later and expect success.

How Do We Solve Problems?

Collaborate.
When solving a family member’s problems:

a) involve the family member in identifying what needs to be done

b) ask whether the person can "do" what’s needed in the solution

c) ask whether they want you to help them "do" what’s needed. Problems are best tackled through open discussion in the family. Everyone needs to be part of the discussion.

People are most likely to do their part when they are asked for their participation, and their views about the solution are respected. It is important to ask each family member whether he or she feels able to do the steps called for in the planned solution. By asking, you show recognition of how difficult the task may be for the other person. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging the difficulty of changing. You may feel a powerful urge to step in and help another family member. Your help may be appreciated or may be an unwanted intrusion. By asking if your help is wanted before you step in, your assistance is much less likely to be resented.

I want to encourage you to check out the full article when you have a minute or two; I'd be interested to learn what resonated?

In the meantime, settle in, get comfortable, and we look forward to learning more of your story;

kells76

[gfwbpd]

Thank you @kells76!

Site seemed to be offline this weekend and I'll respond shortly.

[gfwbpd]

Hi gfwbpd and

Glad we can be a resource to you as you figure out navigating a challenging family system. Much of what's effective when dealing with BPD in a family system can be unintuitive, so education and peer support are good starting points  

It sounds like you're feeling hopeful and determined right now, and want to have a really good plan. It makes sense that you hope to translate what you've been learning into meaningful actions and structures.

...

Just a few questions for you (in no particular order), to understand your situation a little better...

Is your GF in BPD-specific treatment right now, or specific inpatient that's not for BPD (i.e. drug rehab), or general/nonspecific mental health inpatient?

-   She is in intensive outpatient therapy focusing on day to day life (structure, grounding, mindfulness) and going through her past trauma – this is about 4 weeks and she’s finishing week 1.  Her in-patient was for self-harm/ptsd. Once she completes out-patient, she’s looking for a therapist who specializes in BPD and DBT, not just “has experience”.

I think I'm reading that there are 4 kids in the family (2 of yours, 2 of hers). How old are they, and what's the parenting schedule?

-   Mine are 13 and 17, see them every Thursday and every other weekend.  With their ages, I communicate with them daily.

-   Hers are 4 and 17.  Sees 17 year old every other Sunday and talks weekly. Before this she had 4 year old Mon/Tues/Thurs/Friday and was in pre-school.

Are you in contact with the treatment team at the inpatient facility (has your GF signed disclosure forms authorizing her doctors to talk with you)? Do they offer any family support groups, and if so, do you attend?

-   I didn’t interact with her care team until they reached out for a safety call (firearms) on the day she was released as I spoke to her several times daily while she was in.  Their opinion is PTSD and they didn’t evaluate for BPD. They don’t have support groups.

Are you in touch with the day treatment team yet? Same question, do they offer family support groups, or family therapy, or couples therapy, etc?

-   I haven’t been in touch, they don’t offer family support and I’m shocked at the lack of resources for family support.

Do you have a therapist or counselor for yourself? This can be critical when BPD is in a family system, regardless of who does or doesn't have BPD.

-   No but I’m also searching.

How did your GF respond to hearing that she was diagnosed with BPD?

-   She was relieved to finally understand why she was different, the challenges she faced, how this started and the battle she has to stability. She knew something was different about her since she was very young, and as she shares her past with her parents the traits of a borderline or someone with borderline traits is starting to make sense.  

-   We watched an amazing video where BPD was openly discussed along with the relationship to dissociative identity disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and dementia.  She related to nearly everything that was shared, even the short psychosis events.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=DW8psgjZhLk&si=Sx-McoB9T6-bMqOh

Have you heard of the NEABPD Family Connections program?

-   I haven’t and am researching!

I want to encourage you to check out the full article when you have a minute or two; I'd be interested to learn what resonated?

-   Great article reinforcing much of what I’ve already learned. We’re openly discussing how we’re feeling, worked through several triggers (pet peeves) for both of us along with emotional buttons, and have worked through a grounding process for her that’s been working.  We’re in the very early stages and there will be bumps and setbacks, as mentioned in the article, but we’re organized, engaged and in a good place.

In the meantime, settle in, get comfortable, and we look forward to learning more of your story;

-   Thank you!