Hello PapaBear100 and
Really glad you reached out -- you're in good company here.
I'm having an issue with my wife who has BPD and I'm wondering if anyone else has similar experiences. This has happened several times, the latest being this morning. Sometimes when we have a disagreement, she will run away from home to a women's shelter despite the fact no abuse has occurred.
Oddly, while it hasn't happened to me, it has happened to at least one other member here. His advice was the following:
My wife's psychiatric issues (basically bipolar and BPD) didn't begin to become diagnosed until years after we started expanding our family.
In retrospect, my wife had her issues before, of course, but the added stress of parenting, and parenting a child with psychiatric issues of her own, resulted in her being less and less able to cope. Finally she totally "decompensated", ran off, ODed on prescription medications, went in and out of hospitals and shelters, wanted and didn't want divorce, etc. Crazy times.
Nothing got better for me until I stopped focusing so much on her, and started focusing on doing what made sense. I got a therapist for myself, to help me navigate things and cope. I sought legal advice for my situation. I learned to keep asking myself "what makes sense to do here?" instead of always trying to predict how to affect my wife's moods and behaviors.
I would suggest carefully reading our Lessons, possibly seeing a therapist for yourself, getting legal advice for your situation.
In terms of boundaries:
The last time this occurred, she lied to me and told me she was staying with a friend, only to admit to the truth later. Following the advice of my therapist, I have started setting firmer boundaries with her. In our disagreement this morning, I told her firmly but calmly that would not engage with her further if she continued to interrupt me and use a mocking, sarcastic tone. Yet she continued to badger me after I disengaged from the conversation and headed off to work.
What specific area does your therapist have you working on -- am I tracking with you that you're practicing not sticking around and listening when you hear sarcasm/mockery or are interrupted? Are there other areas where your T has you practicing boundaries, or just that for now?
In a way, in your example it actually sounds like your boundary "worked" -- because instead of you delaying/sticking around to hear negativity, you chose to leave for work.
Boundaries don't do anything to change the other person's behavior... boundaries are to protect ourselves. So, the success of a boundary doesn't depend on if she changes... it's all about you getting a break from hurtfulness.
I got a text from her this afternoon when I got home that she had gone to a shelter. She often seems to look for opportune times to push my buttons, such as when I'm getting ready for work (even when I'm brushing my teeth or shaving!), the moment I arrive home from work in the afternoon, or right before bed when I'm tired.
Have you heard of the concept of an
extinction burst? It's a common phenomenon that can be associated with you changing your behavior.
In the past, how would you typically respond (if at all) to the texts where she says "I've gone to a shelter"?
This behavior stresses me out on a couple of fronts. First, God only knows what lies she is telling these shelters to gain admission. But secondly, she's taking resources from legitimate domestic violence victims who really need them just to feed her own victim mentality and escape responsibility for her behavior. That's profoundly wrong and makes me angry. I love her dearly and I've seen how wonderful she can be when she is in a good space. But I've also seen her at her worst like this. And I don't know how much more I can take. I'm increasingly depressed and stressed out. My self-esteem is eroding by the day. Anyway, thanks for listening and for any advice or wisdom from your own experience.
That's intense stuff to deal with, for sure. pwBPD often make hurtful, odd, unhelpful choices when under stress. Long story, I had to call CPS last year due to some things my husband's kids told me about their mom's house. When Mom found out, instead of raging at me or H (which I expected), she blamed and raged at... her oldest child (my 18 year old stepdaughter). I didn't see that coming, and it really hurt SD18. I'm on the same page with you -- it was wrong and it made me angry.
When BPD is in a family system, it forces us to either get way more functional/healthy and way less controlling, or we will be totally stressed, overwhelmed, and hitched to the pwBPD's emotional roller coaster.
Right now, it sounds like your emotional experience is hitched behind your W's choices. She goes to the shelter; you get really stressed out.
I get it -- it's disturbing suspecting that the pwBPD is saying untrue things about you to others. We've lived that, too.
The "rubber meets the road" moment for us is -- we really cannot control that.
She shouldn't take up shelter resources... and she is... and it's not under your control.
She shouldn't say untrue things about you to others... and she might be... and it's not under your control. (I will say, if you know she is accusing you of something illegal such as DV/child abuse, you can privately consult/meet with a lawyer to understand how to protect yourself. That doesn't mean "you have to divorce" or not, it's just to get information so you can make wise decisions)
If BPD is indeed in the mix, then she has a serious and impactful mental illness and is making some choices out of that that aren't under your control. She may be attempting to regulate but in a less functional way, because again, if BPD is in play, then she may have a skills deficit and not have a lot of great tools for managing her wildly varying, harmfully intense emotions.
As strange as it sounds, I wonder if (a) she is doing the best she can to get space to regulate by exiting the home, and (b) you can treat those times not as times where you need to stress out, but as times of relief where you get a break to do your own thing, and get yourself in a better place emotionally.
Counterintuitive... but a lot of effective coping with BPD is just that.
Keep posting and reading here... we'll be here for you;
kells76
