When I listen to the words in that video, I wonder whether it applies to all the people who have an avoidant attachment style, which is triggered by the treat of being engulfed within the relationship. And many times, the nervous system will be activated in such a way that makes them want to shut down or leave the relationship.
Those who tend to fight for a relationship will sit in the anxious attachment side. It's wired into us anxious attachers to do whatever it takes to fight for a relationship, as that's what we were shown in childhood we had to do in order to keep love and connection, and we are terrified by the idea of being abandoned, so we will do anything to avoid that.
Whereas someone who is secure is more likely to make effort, but not at the risk of losing themselves.
There was an Instagram post by the Holistic Psychologist recently that said something along the lines of 'it's false to assume that 'if someone wanted to, they would'. She says we overestimate people's capacity for emotional regulation, conflict resolution and self-reflection. Many people want to, but can't. These are simply their limits, and they are nothing to do with us.
I think there's wisdom in what he says about letting go of someone who clearly doesn't want to be there, but I wonder if it might be more accurate to realise there is a whole lifetime of conditioning, trauma, genetics and attachment systems behind someone's ability to be in a relationship, particularly a healthy one.
I saw that holistic psychologist post.
But… I don’t know!
I agree with it, I think…ish…
But… I think there’s a real helpful clarity in saying
“At the end of the day, if ‘x’ hasn’t done something, and they’re an adult, they don’t want it enough. Even if they sort of want to, there are other forces inside them stopping it from happening, and that’s all I need to know to move forward myself.”
I see the helpfulness though, because I’m prone to overwhelm and sometimes I wish one or two friends understood that better (no one pushes me really, I just wish I could show that I care, even when I withdraw for a short time).
Perhaps one solution is to say -
“If they wanted to, they would - in the long term. In the short term, things can get in the way sometimes. Watch the pattern over a period of time, and the sustained behaviour tells you enough to know broadly where they’re at.”
I think it’s a call to stop excusing dismissive behaviour, or ignoring things which clearly give you enough information to make a decision.
I get that it’s not very nuanced though…
