I Feel the Inevitability of Divorce

[CC43]

Hi there,

Would it work better if you put a bed in your son’s room and slept there with him when your wife is raging?  Or maybe you fetch your son when you go to bed, so that he sleeps with you in your guest room?  That way you wouldn’t expose him as much when she rages. Just a thought.

My sister suffered domestic violence, and her ex beat her when she went to fetch her young son out of the room where her ex was experiencing a drunken rage. When she went to court to get a protective order, the uNPD husband accused my sister of hitting him first!  His lying and blame shifting is constant. Fortunately the court didn’t believe him, as my sister had evidence:  a doctor’s visit, pictures of bruises, and leaving the home with the kids immediately after the altercation. But even after years of legal work and significant non-compliance with the parenting plan, the uNPD ex still has unsupervised visitation rights, and he won’t agree to a divorce. The legal battle has been very difficult on the kids, because their visitations with dad are stressful and chaotic (lack of food, dirty home, skipping scheduled activities, dad sleeping all day, many visits to the health clinic/emergency room during visitation, kids staying up all night with screens, etc.). He is a no-show for about half of his parenting days, which distresses the kids, too, as they have to wait around for dad until they figure out he’s simply not coming.

[ForeverDad]

Please call. I hope that more men in this situation are calling. They won't judge you. First of all- call for yourself and then also... Call for your son, because you are his primary role model for how to be a man and you don't want to normalize seeing you be abused. You'd want him to also know it's OK for men to reach out for help and support  too.

You're an adult, you have had years to mature but your child is so young, he doesn't know what is normal and what is not.  He's senses a lot but not nearly with the ability of an adult.

Also, what is considered as "legally actionable" misbehavior for him to witness or experience is at a different level from what is considered actionable for you.  You would need local input to determine precisely how behaviors and actions are viewed in your area.

[HurtAndTired]

Hello all,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update this thread. I struggled to call the DV hotline. If I am being honest, I procrastinated doing it because I was dreading that as a man I would not be listened to or helped. I am currently on spring break as a teacher and ran out of excuses this week. I called yesterday and spoke to an advocate. I was pleasantly surprised at how well she listened and how reassuring she was. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour.

This was also not just a DV hotline, but a local resource center. I have a follow-up appointment with her tomorrow. She has agreed to be my advocate going forward. She is going to help me get my son into play therapy. She is also helping me strategize about how to document the abuse going on in my home. She has worked with many people in my position and wants to help me protect my son from being exposed to the chaos that all too often exists in my home. She asked me about my relationship with my SS26. I told her that I helped raise him from the age of 12, that I was there for him more than his bio-dad was, and that was why it cut me so deeply when my wife triangulated him against me when he came into our home and physically threatened me last year. The advocate said that we would work to make sure that my wife was never able to do that with S3, which is one of my greatest fears.

As a trained social worker, this advocate is an incredibly powerful resource who has promised to help me prepare for leaving this abusive marriage...for free! My lawyer is great, but she costs $375 an hour. During the 12 months that I am preparing for my divorce, I can't afford to use the lawyer's services to strategize these things except in an emergency. For day to day concerns, this free advocate can help me navigate this long and difficult pre-divorce period in a way that will be admissible in court. I now can see myself walking into my attorney's office when I am ready to pull the trigger on legal action with a thick dossier of ammunition to use in court. Could I have done this on my own? Yes. Would it have been a lot harder and would I constantly be in doubt about whether I was doing things the right way or not? Absolutely!

I will touch back tomorrow after my meeting with the advocate if there is any pertinent new information, but for now I am just super relieved to know that someone will be helping to guide me through the process of leaving before I am ready to file for divorce. I am already looking at spending $15-$20K in legal fees once I file. I am beyond ecstatic that I don't have to dig any deeper into my pockets for guidance right now, especially when the whole point of this pre-divorce period is to get my finances in order.

Thanks to all who encouraged me to call!

HurtAndTired

[Notwendy]

This is wonderful news and I am glad you called- for yourself and for your son!

[ForeverDad]

Great that you have local resources to help you, above and beyond the remote support here.

Keep in mind that your Plan A will certainly face some hurdles and turbulence in the months ahead.  It's almost as though our disordered ones, as messed up as they are in many things, can sense small changes in our behavior and decide to sabotage us before we're ready.  All it take is one incident to pop up and sabotage it.  So stay on your toes, prepared to implement Plan B or Plan C, etc if and as needed.

[HurtAndTired]

Thanks Notwendy and ForeverDad,

I appreciate both of you encouraging me to make the call. I was afraid to do it, but am sure glad that I did.

FD, I know how unpredictable my wife can be in the best of times, so I am prepared for her to become even more unpredictable as I get closer to "D" day. She is already responding to changes that I have been making.

I quit drinking altogether several months ago. I used to enjoy having a few beers on a Friday to relax after a long week, but I noticed that she was more likely to blow up on me if I have had a few drinks, so I just quit. It hasn't slowed down her drinking in the slightest, but she sure doesn't like me not drinking.

I also have stopped buying her alcohol. If I am headed to the store, I ask if there is any food that we need. If she says buy me a bottle of margaritas (the large bottle, golden style with extra liqueur...beyond just the tequila, which costs around $20) I just tell her that I am budgeting just for food due to increased grocery costs so she needs to make a stop at the liqueur store if she wants that. She doesn't like that either, but I am no longer paying for her habit.

I don't know how long I will be able to ride the "plan A train" but will continue as long as I can. My credit score is already up significantly and I am paying off debt faster than I thought I would be able to. I will shift to plan B, C, or whatever is necessary. If an emergency requires I bail early due to safety concerns, my advocate said she can help set up emergency housing with putting my S3 and I into a subsidized apartment.

No matter whether I ultimately can physically stay in this house or not, it is of utmost importance to me that I am in a strong financial position when I go in front of a judge. I am going to push for
primary physical custody. My wife has a weird work schedule where she works 7 AM to 7 PM M, T, F, Sat, Sun one week and 7 AM to 7 PM W, Th the following week. This rotation repeats over and over. She has had this schedule for over 2 decades. I don't see that changing anytime soon and she hates change.

This schedule makes it impossible for her to drop off and pick up S3 soon to be 4 from school either 2 or 3 days each week. I am planning to ask for her to have custody on her weekends off of work, which is every other weekend. Her schedule makes one week on, one week off impossible logistically. Shuttling a little one back and forth between houses multiple times per week, as I understand it, is highly uncommon for courts to grant given that young kids need a stable routine. As long as I am financially stable and can fend off false abuse claims, I don't see how she could reasonably go for primary (or even 50/50 custody) short of quitting her job and getting a M-F job with regular hours (she has longed to do this since I met her, but has too much fear of job interviews to follow through on changing jobs).

Basically, I want to make everything as much of a slam dunk as I can, and as seamless as possible for my son. Even if I have to shift plans, repairing my finances is a key part of making sure that a judge sees me as the most stable and safe parent between the two of us. If I have to move up my timeline, my parents have told me that they would loan me the remaining money I owe on CCs to get my accounts squared and my credit above the 750s to have the best chances of good interests rates and mortgage approvals.

Thank you for reminding me of the need to be flexible and roll with the punches though. It is something that I will go over with my advocate tomorrow and get her take on things. Maybe after giving her some more specifics about my plans, she can give me advice based on what she has seen in other cases. I will update you all as I get more info.

Thanks again,

HurtAndTired

[Notwendy]

With keeping in mind that we can only control ourselves - I think you have made some very positive changes (in addition to reaching out for help)

You stopped drinking-
You stopped buying her alcohol ( stopped enabling her to drink)- Great boundary because it doesn't address her drinking- it's your resolve to keep to a budget- so you aren't "blaming" her- you are  responding out of your own values.
You are getting a better handle on your finances.

These are actions you are taking for your own well being and values.

Your wife may vary on her behavior or agreements but your values don't waver. These are boundaries- actions we take that reflect our values.