silent treatment from BPD ex

[scotch_tape387]

Dated this girl for about a month. Constant contact. She trauma dumped immediately (childhood abuse), but I had been there before so that part didn't phase me, really. She hit all the checkboxes: self harm, said every relationship she's been in has been abusive, checkered past, etc. Love-bombed me very hard. Gave all sorts of gifts. Never seemed to really listen to me when I spoke or ask much about my life, though. It was always about her. I bet if someone quizzed her about basic details about me, she'd fail. She seemed to retain nothing I told her.

Questionable decision making, past drug use, arrests, etc. I was listening to all of the stories but somehow stupidly thought maybe she was turning a new leaf and deciding to move past everything and start anew. I never took her very very seriously as a potential romantic partner, moreso enjoyed her company as a companion and kinda seeing where things go type of thing. We got along really well and enjoyed being together. Plus she was really cute, decent sense of humor, I actually liked her personality a lot.

After almost exactly a month, things going well between us. We go out like 4-5 times, we're constantly hanging out, which I thought was fine. Everyone is different, some people do this who aren't struggling with any potential mental disorders, etc.

Definitely noticed she was much more shy than the average girl when it came to putting my arm around her, and in some moments that could've been an exchange of intimacy, she balked. Which I had never really experienced before, either. However, there were also moments of emotional exchange that were very much real and potent. Like when we hugged each other a few times it felt really good, almost too good.

Then suddenly, almost exactly one month in, she went cold/distant. On a dime. For no reason? (Maybe because she rejecting intimacy, or because she realized I was interested and finally got me on the hook? I don't really know). 

First hot and cold for 2-3 days, then really cold for about a week. I mirrored and went NC for that week. But I observed her actions vs words and I found it eyebrow raising that she was still interacting with everyone else at work, just not me. Then she'd text at night or find me outside but always kind of blowing me off/making excuses. Saying she'd call but not. Stopped replying to all texts. So by the end of the NC week, I got the hint. By the way... this is like any normal relationship. The same stuff happens, more or less... I treated her no differently than I would anyone else.

So I told her "probably best we just go back to coworkers" (we work at the same place) and that seemed to trigger her. And over time I realized she's probably BPD.

She responded by taking part of my message out of context (in a funny/cute way, actually), but also insulting me and upping the ante by saying not only are we not going back to coworkers, pretend like you never met me. The next day she told me "I blocked you."

But the part that's been enlightening is her behavior since then, which definitely tipped me off to the fact she is likely BPD (and probably has some other issues, as well). Since then she's been giving me the in-person silent treatment, in an abusive way. Like greeting/talking to everyone, but making it a point to ignore me. First week or two I politely waved and smiled and after like 2-3 weeks I walked near her to kind of see if maybe she'd lighten up a bit and say hi... but nope!! Instead she started telling people I was "stalking her" ...so now I just totally ignore as well, but it's becoming awkward, a bit. I definitely was hurt by it at first, but now that an entire month has gone by I'm feeling sort of like can't we just get past this? sort of thing. Very bizarre. I feel like she almost wants to say hi but can't bring herself to do it for some reason. I don't know.

I also want to say that even despite the fact she's been incredibly disrespectful (for no reason), and abusive, what hurts is the fact that at one point she was so comforting and warm towards me. It's been one of the most confusing dating experiences I've ever had, because it's so similar to a regular dating experience, but if you step back (and over time you realize) that there's something slightly off, and then it starts to feel worse in a way. Like I'm over it, but I can't be because she refuses to let up the silent treatment. A normal person would've just owned up to the fact they weren't actually interested by now. The silent treatment has been going on for wayyy longer than we were even dating for at this point. Pretty sad. Just needed to vent.

[SinisterComplex]

Welcome. 

From the sounds of it you went through some pretty big peaks and valleys and at warp-like speed too. That is a lot for anyone to deal with. The good news though is that according to what you are saying you saved yourself serious harm by going any further. Additionally, going any further after all that you experienced in that short period of time it appears certain things would have gotten even worse and been more dramatic.

The question I do have to ask though...what is it about the silent treatment that is bugging you? Also, what are your goals here?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[scotch_tape387]

Is the silent treatment bothering me? Like I mentioned, at first I was hurt by it, but after 1-2 weeks I was truly able to "let go," and now I mirror her at work. No eye contact, no recognition of the other person's existence.

As time goes by (It's been over a month) I thought I cared less, but I think the whole dynamic is actually retaining intensity on some specific days. The emotions surrounding the silent treatment are not just fading away as fast as I thought they would.

The fact she's so dedicated to it does put me on edge whenever she's nearby/walking past me. Like I'm anticipating some sort of interaction, like in any normal situation (even the smallest, "hey"), but that never happens... which I understand and get. But it's not normal.

I mirror her and block her out at work which is working well for me... however, it's basically forcing me to act a way I normally wouldn't not, so that's the struggle of it. Internally I want to be on good terms with those around me, especially when nothing that bad has gone on between us, but externally I can't do that because I have to mirror her and ignore. That's the struggle.

Also, being 100% honest, she's pretty attractive and this whole crazy game she's been playing has boosted my attraction to her, physically (as it does in a normal relationship, post-breakup your ex often comes across as more attractive, for some reason), so I'm a bit weary that if she tries to re-engage it could end up with me giving into my desires and sleeping with her. My best move is to find another girlfriend quickly so that I won't do that. I guess one positive is before the breakup I didn't realize she was probably BPD. Only afterwards was I able to put together the pieces. So although I had fairly low expectations before I didn't have expectations of a brutal 180 switch up, whereas now I'm aware of what she's up to, which is probably why she's so mad-- I figured her out and set the boundary early.

Another (discouraging) detail is I'm deep into the dating game, and since our breakup have been trying to get dates with various women and I've been blown off completely (stood up) by "normies" more than once. This girl clearly has issues but at one time went the extra mile for me. It's hard not to consider that. She also did a complete 180, so it's a weird thing to think about. How do you judge someone who goes to both extremes so quickly?

I think I'm here to share my story so someone else can read and go, "Same thing happened to me" and make sense of it. That's how I benefitted myself from reading posts and figuring out what had happened to me, i.e. dating a girl who is likely BPD.

[Under The Bridge]

'The fact she's so dedicated to it '

That line says a lot about BPD; even though they want nothing to do with you (at least on the surface) they can't just let it go and get on with their life, they have to make sure you're constantly reminded they want nothing to do with you and use every opportunity to ram it home, like deliberately saying 'Hi' to everyone else except you.

When my ex split me black she'd still come to the same bar we went into, just so she could ignore me.  I watched her as she walked in the door and could see her eyes scanning the room to see if I was in. I never played the game and always said 'Hello' and she'd usually just turn away.. but she continued to glance at me from time to time to make sure I was still there and continuing to 'suffer' from her ignoring me.

Often she'd make comments to her friends 'It's nice to be single again', always said just loud enough for me to hear at the other end of the bar. You could see the air of falseness as she pretended not to care.

In addition, she always dictated the moods of her friends too - if she was fine with me then it was okay for them to be too but if she'd split with me then she didn't want her friends to talk to me any more. Pretty childish but that's BPD for you. Her friends were easily influenced by her and went along with it and I just ignored them.

A week later and we were back together and she was slagging off those same friends she wanted on her side a week before

[scotch_tape387]

Well, the silent treatment finally ended after about 7 long weeks. So for anyone out there struggling... there is hope.  I honestly thought it may go on forever.

How it went-- I got the sense my sp was lightening up a bit after week 3-4 (instead of completely not looking at me at all, she seemed to at least "show face" a bit as she walked past me), so I finally, and very gently extended a simple "hello, how are you" sentiment around week 7 and was surprised when she returned my greeting and asked how I was doing. Same day I was able to briefly connect with her. Didn't say anything of substance but exchanged pleasant greetings, basically, which after 7 weeks of nothing felt pretty good to finally breathe a little bit.

For someone like me who didn't realize they were dating someone wBPD until after the breakup, this has been a complete learning process. I really don't think dating this woman long-term is the best life decision for me, based on everything that happened. And obviously there's some disappointment there. But.. it's just another part of the learning process.

"Getting over it" is part of it-- like any other relationship-- because as many people on here also explain, sometimes the pwBPD is actually well-suited to you specifically as a potential partner (aside from the shifts in behavior, etc. related to BPD). So you take a step back and it takes a lot of work to sort through your feelings and everything. Definitely need therapy and deep thought to process this and I'm typically someone who would not think of therapy as needed, but yeah... I'd do some form of it if possible, after a breakup with a BPD person, especially if you were mostly unaware the entire time like me. Even if it's just hiking, painting, or some sort of relaxing activity.

I essentially see how I was used as a "supply source" but then once the emotional intimacy ramped up (and it definitely did), she hit the eject button immediately, which was shocking to me because I hadn't considered she could actually be suffering from something like BPD. Even though she basically explained it all to me, I still didn't really "get it" until it was too late, unfortunately. But, good learning lesson.

Now that I realized what happened I can approach my relationship to her in a more level-headed way. Becoming romantically entangled is obviously a trigger so we'll have to remain at arms length, but again, for anyone out there who just wants that last bit of closure, I did benefit from learning about BPD on this site (and others) and used judgement to observe my sp was transitioning from a place where I was being completely ignored, to one where she felt a little more comfortable after a while, and I took it upon myself to attempt a check-in with her. It wasn't easy either, the whole situation had me a bit nervous. But that's how it happened.